Lame Duck

“Lame Duck” – Episode 112

The Perswayssick Superhero Academy’s sinister Professor Willard Wallbang comes calling on election winner Nicki Rodriguez. After making more than several disparaging remarks, he hands her a strange cane that had been left leaning against the bricks outside. A card is attached to the item.

Soon-to-be-former Grate Gizzy of Perswayssick County “Zig” Gneeecey is the intended recipient of the anonymously sent “gift.” Infuriated and profoundly insulted, he decides not to attend Nicki’s inauguration, where his presence is constitutionally required to ensure an orderly transfer of power. If the sulking canine-humanoid refuses to come out from under the couch, Nicki cannot be sworn in, and this may leave an opening for the bad guys to take control.

We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sandi Solá, Sal Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean and Sammie for being generous supporting members via BuyMeACoffee.com! We appreciate their sponsorship and support more than words can say! 

https://buymeacoffee.com/Perswayssick (Please support us with a one-time gift or monthly sponsorship amount—various levels available—to help keep us coming to you via BuyMeACoffee.com! We’ll shout you out during our podcast episodes and in our show notes here, plus supply you with more fun perks!)  

https://www.amazon.com/Vicki-Sola/e/B07J29RVMQ (Amazon Author Page, check out our Gneeecey/Nicki e-books and paperbacks!)

https://www.nfreads.com/interview-with-author-vicki-sola/ (Interview with Vicki Solá)

https://perswayssickradio.buzzsprout.com (right here, our Buzzsprout website w/episodes & transcripts!)   

And many thanks to disproportionately cool artist Jay Hudson for our podcast logo! https://yojayhudson.com/

This Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy podcast is made possible in part by a generous grant from The Ardelle Institute, providing Executive Coaching for aspiring and established professionals who want to develop their careers, including upwardly mobile executives, professionals who may be in between jobs and college graduates transitioning to the workforce. The Ardelle Institute helps with resumes, cover letters, LinkedIn profiles, interview skills, and effective job search strategies.  For more information, please call (201) 394-6939, that's (201) 394-6939, or visit them on the web at ardelle-institute.com, that's A-R-D-E-L-L-E dash institute dot com. Take it from me, Gneeecey!

Transcript

Transcript / Lame Duck – Episode 112, written by Vicki Solá. 

All content © 2023 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. 

Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki, and the gang….

NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: In our last episode, “Earned My Red High-Tops,” stranded earthling Nicki Rodriguez narrowly won a nail-biter of an election. She will succeed “Zig” Gneeecey as Grate Gizzygalumpaggis of Perswayssick County. 

SFX: [Magic Spell] [Helicopter] [Police Siren] 

TV ANNOUNCER: We have reports that crowds have gathered outside the soon-to-be-former Grate Gizzy Gneeecey’s Saint Bogelthorpe Parke mansion, where Nicki Rodriguez resides.

DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY:  I don’t like the sound of “soon-to-be-former Grate Gizzy”!

“FLEA” FLEAGLOSSITTY FLOPPINSPLODGE, AKA “SOOPERFLEA”:  Well, Zig, ya better start gettin’ used to it!

G: At least I’m still gonna be Perswayssick County Quality of Life Commissioner, an’ the Ig is really gonna be jus’ a figurehead. I’m still gonna run junk, but from behind the scenes. Why ya lookin’ at me like that, Ig? C’mon, we better go outside an’ greet our snitizens! But first, I gotta run upstairs an’ change into a new dirty T-shirt!

SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Bodyfall Human] [Cartoon Slip] [Slip and Fall] [Duck Horn]

G: Fleaglossitty! Stinkin’ help me up awready!

SFX: [Magic Spell] [Door Open] [Police Siren] [Helicopter] [Utter Astonish Shock] [Audience Applause]

G: Fiends, country peepooples an’ fine snitizens of this wonderfooful County of Perswayssick, we are all assemboobled here for a very momentical occasion, where me an’ the Ig will make our pollutical speech an’ tell youse all what we’re gonna accompooplish in my new term—I mean, her new term—as Grate Gizzygalumpaggis, hereby stinkin’ again shortened to Grate Gizzy, to conservate vowels an’ consonants! 

NICKI RODRIGUEZ: Hey—Diroctor—I should be speaking!

SFX: [Helicopter] [Police Siren] 

G: Ig—

N: Uh, that would be Nicki—

G: It would be if I was gonna call ya that, but it won’t be cause I ain’t.

F: Zig, I think ya should be more respectful to Nicki now that she’s gonna be Grate Gizzy—

G: It’s jus’ a formal formality, Fleaglossitty. Ig will get her chance to speak tomorrow, at her inordination.

F: That’s inauguration. 

G: That’s what I stinkin’ said.

SFX: [Rock Logo] [Magic Spell] [Cuckoo Clock]

G: Youse guys almost stinkin’ ready? Can’t be late to the Ig’s lousy inordination. Ya ready, Ig? 

N: Yes, I am. And that’s Nicki. 

G: Geez, you sound a bit too sure of yourself. Wait till you’re in the job for a while. 

N: I actually can’t wait. And Grandma, Doctor Idnas, and I are just about ready to go. 

DOCTOR ALEXANDRA C. IDNAS & THERAPIST INGABORE SCRIBLIG, AKA “GRANDMA” [in unison]: Yah.

G: Well, jus’ about ain’t really good ’nough—

F: Zig, I realize you’re in a bad mood ’cause ya don’t like thinkin’ of yourself as the lame duck Grate Gizzy, y’know, a has been—

SFX: [Doorbell Ring] [Door Pound]

G: Will ya get the lousy door, Fleaglossity? I still gotta go upstairs an’ find another new dirty T-shirt to wear.

F: Okay, Zig….

SFX: [Doorbell Ring] [Door Pound]

G: Well, stinkin’ get it awready, Fleaglossitty, will ya?

F: Awright, awright, Zig, I’m gettin’ it awready….

SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Door Open]

F: Hey… This is weird, Zig. Ain’t nobody there. Zig—Zig? 

N: He’s already upstairs, Flea.

SFX: [Door Slam] [Sneakers Squeaking] [Bodyfall Human] [Cartoon Slip] [Slip and Fall] [Duck Horn]

G: Jus’ fell on my lousy bimbus again! It’s youse guys fault—ya makin’ me nervous! Fleaglossitty! Stinkin’ help me up awready!

SFX: [Doorbell Ring]

G: Fleaglossitty!

N: I’ll get it while Flea scrapes you off the floor.

G: No need to be snarkastical, Ig!

SFX: [Doorbell Ring]

G: Well, get it awready, Ig!

SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Door Open]

N: Why, Professor Wallbang….

PROFESSOR WILLARD WALLBANG: Ms. Rodriguez. I am calling upon you this somewhat overcast, gloomy morning to merely, on behalf of myself and the staff of our esteemed Perswayssick Superhero Academy, express our utter astonishment, not only at your unanticipated swift recovery from your rather severe head injury sustained due to your own sheer incompetence but in addition, your perilously narrow and unexpected victory over The Surprise Party. I do believe that congratulations, no matter how unenthusiastic, are in order.

N: Uh…thank you…I think.

PWW: And, Ms. Rodriguez, as you’ve just mentioned the concept of thinking, you would do rather well to begin thinking—that is, to employ your seemingly perpetually underutilized gray matter more than you previously have been doing. 

N: I—uh—resent—

PWW: Also, I must remind you that your so-called political triumph and new title, short-lived as they may prove to be, neither absolve you of financial responsibility for damages to our school property caused by your rather glaring ineptitude nor do your new circumstances allow you to dishonor the contract you signed quite willingly, legally committing yourself to attending and thereby financing a full load of classes for this entire academic year. Good day, Ms. Rodriguez.

N: I really must go now—

PWW: Oh, and here. This item, an ornate cane of some sort, was propped up against the bricks out here. There appears to be a gift card attached. Good day.

N: Yeah. Thanks. Good day, yourself.

SFX: [Door Slam] [Sneakers Squeaking]

G: Who was thaaat, Ig?

N: Name’s Nicki—

G: You’re tellin’ me yooou were at the door? Don’t get intelligent wit’ meee!

N: Diroctor Gneeecey, that was Professor Wallbang. Y’know, from the Superhero Academy?

G: Oh, him.

N: And he handed me this, uh, fancy cane. There’s a gift card attached, addressed to you.

G: Gimme that!

F: A present! A present! How exciting!

G: The card says, “This will help ya limp through your new life as a lame duck! Enjoy!” An’ it ain’t signed!

F: An’ looky, Zig—there’s a button on the top! Press it!

SFX: [Quack Quack]

F: A lame duck quackin’ cane—what a novelty! Wonder where they found that?

SFX: [Barbecue Sizzle] 

N: There’s smoke coming out of his ears! Real smoke!

SFX: [Fire Alarm]

DI & IS [in unison]: Vhat’s going on?

F: Someone left this gift for Zig—a lame duck quackin’ cane—an’ he’s real mad!

N: Smoke’s coming out of his ears! Real smoke! And it’s set off the fire alarm!

F: I got me an idea—I’ll be right back!

SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Door Open] [Sneakers Squeaking] [Splash Water] [Barbecue Sizzle]

G: Stinkin’ how daaare yooou, Fleaglossitty? How daaaare ya dump a whole lousy bucket of ice-cold water on my noggin?

F: Smoke was comin’ out your ears, Zig—lots of it! Ya even set off the fire alarm!

G: That’s ’cause I was maaad! An’ now I’m even more maaad! At all of youse!

N: Diroctor Gneeecey, Flea was just trying to help you!

G: I’m worse than stinkin’ embarrassed by that—that stooopid cane!

N: You’d rather the fire department come and haul you out of here with smoke pouring out of your ears? That wouldn’t embarrass you?

G: Shaaadup, Ig! I got news for all of youse! I ain’t goin’ to your lousy inordination!

F: Zig! Ya gotta go!

G: No, I don’t!

N: But you’re supposed to swear me in! 

G: I’ll more likely swear at’cha!

N: But we’re supposed to have a smooth, orderly transition of power!

G: Stinkin’ says who?

N: Says our county’s constitution!

G: Since when did you become an expert on that junk?

N: Since I began running for office, that’s when!

G: Well, I don’t give a deck of vlecks! I ain’t goin’, an’ youse can’t make me!

DI: Diroctor Gneeecey, please reconsider dis. How can Nicki even try and change dee law so dat you could be permitted to run again eef you violate dis county’s constitution?

IS: Yah, Alexandra ees right! Nicki vill not even be svorn een. 

G: I don’t stinkin’ care what any of youse say. I’m goin’ under the couch, an’ youse can’t make me come out!

F: Oh, gee, he’s awready under the couch!

SFX: [Parade Marching Band] [Police Sirens]

F: Listen, Zig—the Perswayssick Marchin’ Band is awready marchin’ to Seemin’whale Square for Nicki’s inauguration! C’mon, Zig, please! We can’t do this wit’out ya! 

G: Told youse, I ain’t comin’ out!

F: I’m sure the bad guys sent ya that cane on purpose, to get ya so mad ya wouldn’t show up for the ceremony! Then they can try an’ take power! C’mon, Zig—don’cha care about the fate of our county?

G: I don’t care what’cha tell me, Fleaglossitty—I ain’t comin’ out. My mind’s made up. I ain’t goin’! An’ get off your hands an’ knees. What are ya, prayin’ to me? I’m flattered, but I ain’t changin’ my dopey mind!

F: C’mon, Zig—ow! He jus’ bit me!

SFX: [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger]

We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com

And thank you for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to tell a friend! And keep on laughing! 

Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###