Transcript / You’re Welcome – Episode 108, written by Vicki Solá.
All content © 2023 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.
Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki, and the gang….
SFX: [Magic Spell]
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: In last week’s episode, “Shared Dream,” our stranded earthling Nicki Rodriguez awakens from a nightmare shortly before she’s due to speak at her first campaign rally. She’s running, in Gneeecey’s place, for Perswayssick County’s highest office, that of Grate Gizzygalumpaggis.
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Door Open]
DOCTOR ALEXANDRA C. IDNAS: Nicki! Are you alright?
NICKI RODRIGUEZ: Yes, Doctor Idnas—I just had a nightmare—that’s all—about the time Gneeecey’s high-tech toilet—y’know, his Electronic Water Cyclone 3000 broke down? It actually happened? Back when I had shrunk due to dimension burn, and I was living in his T-shirt pocket!
DI: Dat vas a real nightmare, Nicki! Ingabore and I vere just about to vake you!
THERAPIST INGABORE SCRIBLIG, AKA “GRANDMA”: Yah, Nicki, vee have to get to Seemingvale Sqvare soon and make sure everyting ees set up properly for your rally today!
N: Yes, Grandma. I thank you both for sticking with me here! I did rewrite that speech of Gneeecey’s—y’know, the one where he mentions putting two pots in every garage an two garages in every pot? And giving chickens driver’s licenses? I mean, Gneeecey and I have different ideas, but I think he and I share the same dream. Y’know, of making our Perswayssick County a safe and fair place where citizens are free to follow their dreams. Let me go get a cup of coffee, and then the three of us can head out to Seemingwhale Square.
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Cuckoo Clock] [Doorbell Ring]
N: Now what? Never fails—someone’s always at the door when I’m in a hurry. Gotta get to Seemingwhale Square—can’t be late to my own rally!
SFX: [Doorbell Ring] [Door Open] [Sharp Eerie Scary Logo]
N: Why, uh, Professor Wallbang…I’m kind of in a hurry now…
PROFESSOR WILLARD WALLBANG: Ms. Rodriguez, I won’t keep you long—I assure you. And I must say, how rather unexpected to find you upright and ambulatory so soon after your, uh, little accident…
N: I really must be going now—
PWW: Hear me out, Ms. Rodriguez, hear me out. Your Diroctor Gneeecey, or the executors of his estate—
N: He is not dead! He is not dead—
PWW: Ms. Rodriguez, I doubt sincerely that your superhero ESP talents—if indeed you do possess any—are sufficiently developed to offer such a statement with such certainty. As I was attempting to say before you so rudely interrupted me—and we shall be working on that, too—your Diroctor Gneeecey, or the executors of his estate, no doubt shall be delighted that their financial liability has been limited as a result of your rather rapid recovery. However, that being said, in the unlikely event that your Diroctor Gneeecey has survived his little aviation mishap—which, I must say, becomes increasingly more doubtful by the day—he, and of course, if he has not survived, his estate, are still liable for damage to our school property.
N: Professor Wallbang, I no longer want to attend your Perswayssick Superhero Academy.
PWW: Ms. Rodriguez, I must remind you that you are signed up for an entire academic year.
N: What?
PWW: Perhaps neither you nor your Diroctor Gneeecey gave attention to the small print in the contract, which bears both of your signatures.
N: What?
PWW: If you elect to leave our esteemed institution prior to the stated terms of our agreement, you will both be subject to penalties and accrued interest, which actually outweigh the cost of a year’s tuition. Good day, Ms. Rodriguez.
SFX: [Sharp Eerie Scary Logo]
N: Why that—that—
DOCTOR ALEXANDRA C. IDNAS: Nicki! Are you alright?
N: Yes, kind of, Doctor Idnas…
DI: I’ve already brought dee car around to dee front here.
THERAPIST INGABORE SCRIBLIG, AKA “GRANDMA”: Yah, Nicki, vee have to get to Seemingvale Sqvare for your rally! Here’s your speech.
N: Thanks, Grandma. Okay, let’s go.
SFX: [Door Slam] [Car Engine] [Magic Spell] [Car Engine]
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: Meanwhile, canine-humanoid pals “Zig” Gneeecey, who has morphed into a lemon, and Flea, also known as “Sooperflea,” who has morphed into an orange, find themselves still in transit…
SFX: [Car Engine]
“FLEA” FLEAGLOSSITTY FLOPPINSPLODGE, AKA “SOOPERFLEA”: While we were asleep, the ship must’ve docked, an’ we been loaded onto some kinda vehicle—sounds like a truck!
DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY: Proboobably one of them Freak O’Nature Fruit trucks!
MAN: Okay, guys, let’s step on it! Ain’t got much time to get from Booolabeeezia to Perswayssick City! We’re due in Seemingwhale Square in an hour—boss says we gotta get this fruit to them vendors there. They’re havin’ some kinda special event!
SFX: [Car Engine]
G: Fleaglossitty, did ya hear that guy? He said somethin’ ’bout givin’ us to some vendors at somethin’ goin’ on in Seemingwhale Square.
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Parade Marching Band] [Police Siren]
F: Sounds like we stopped.
MAN: Okay, we gotta unload—let’s hurry up!
DI: Look at dis crowd! Een addition to Gneeecey putting een for dee permit for dis rally before he left, eet looks like he even arranged for a marching band!
N: Aww…Gneeecey…and Flea. I know they’re still alive! I know it! That Professor Willard Wallbang may be the owner and headmaster of that Perswayssick Superhero Academy, but he gives me the creeps! Trying to say that Gneeecey is dead. Why, I wish I could—
DI: Nicki, Nicki, vee too believe dat our Gneeecey ees still alive. But now, you must concentrate on your task at hand—making dee best campaign speech ever! Dat ees vhat Gneeecey vould vant.
N: Yes, Doctor Idnas. You’re right. I’ll give it my all. For Gneeecey and our Perswayssick County!
DI: Dat’s dee spirit, Nicki!
IS: Oh, look, dat looks like Doroty over dere. At a Persvayssick Girls Club booth, selling vhat looks like Freak O’Nature snacks.
DI: And vhat looks like a beeg pile of fruit as vell.
N: And she’s still wearing the shreds of that dress that was pretty much destroyed when the outhouse exploded.
DI: Yah, dat Doroty has a real sense of style!
IS: Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha!
N: Yeah, “fashion” should be Dorothy’s middle name! Well, I’d better get up there by the stage. It’s almost time…
SFX: [Parade Marching Band] [Police Siren]
F: Try not to talk, Zig! Remember, we gotta stick together, you an’ me!
G: Your lousy leakin’ orange juice is still stinkin’ stickin’ us together, Fleaglossitty. REDHEADED BROKEN-NOSED MARK (DOROTHY): Well, I’ll be! Talkin’ fruit! A lemon an’ a orange, wit’ arms an’ legs, an’ wearin’ clothes, too—nicer clothes than me! These two sound kinda familiar…. Ain’t gonna sell them here. I think I could make a bundle on the side wit’ these two!
SFX: [Fail Horn] {Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Parade Marching Band] [Police Siren]
EBEGNEEEZER GESUNDHEIT EEECEYGNAY (GNEEECEY’S EVIL LOOKALIKE FROM PLANET HYENAZITANIA): Ladies and gentlemen, before we commence this event, I would ask for a moment of silence for our county’s late, finally departed Grate Gizzygalumpaggis Diroctor, as he so arrogantly called himself, Bizzig “Zig” Gneeecey.
SFX: [Utter Astonish Shock]
G: I aaam not dead!
F: Quiet, Zig!
RBM(D): It is dem two. Hah, hah, hah….
N: Ebegneeezer Gesundheit Eeeceygnay, how dare you? Diroctor Gneeecey is not dead! He is alive!
SFX: [Utter Astonish Shock]
E: Well, Earth Girl, you have no proof, have you?
N: And this is my rally! What are you doing here?
E: And what are you doing here, you alien from Earth? I believe that your extraterrestrial status disqualifies you from running for office in this dimension!
N: And you—you’re from Planet HyenaZitania! I believe that your extraterrestrial status plus your dishonesty—trying to impersonate and sabotage our Diroctor Gneeecey—disqualifies you from having any say in this dimension!
SFX: [Utter Astonish Shock]
E: We shall see, Earth Girl, we shall see.
N: All I see is that no particular individual is running against me. The ballot only labels my opposition as being “The Surprise Party.” Well, I say, come out of the shadows and reveal yourself! Reveal yourself if you have any courage!
SFX: [Applause]
N: And that purple strobe-like left eye that pulsates when you get mad—that doesn’t scare me either!
SFX: [Utter Astonish Shock]
E: Very well, Earth Girl. Very well. I shall be more than honored to vacate this pathetic, rickety, hastily constructed so-called stage for now. But bear in mind, I could possibly be your surprise political adversary.
SFX: [Utter Astonish Shock]
N: Ladies and gentlemen, my fine citizens of Perswayssick County, I shall take this opportunity to introduce myself. I am Nicole Rodriguez, employee, tenant, and friend of our county’s Grate Gizzy, Diroctor Bizzig “Zig” Gneeecey. And yes, as Mister, uh, Eeeceygnay pointed out, I am from Planet Earth. I arrived in this dimension some time ago, quite accidentally, but have grown to love Perswayssick County and its citizens. In fact, very recently, I had the opportunity to return to my planet and my old life—everyone and everything I had known previously. But I chose to remain here, in Perswayssick County, because it feels more like home to me. I’ve built a life here and now have individuals I love and consider family here!
SFX: [Utter Astonish Shock]
N: Diroctor Gneeecey is unable to run for a third consecutive term as your Grate Gizzy because of a recent technical revision to our county’s constitution—
E: Because the daft bloke is dead!
SFX: [Utter Astonish Shock]
N: I repeat, our Diroctor Gneeecey is not dead! He is alive! And he has designated me to run in his place for the office of Grate Gizzy. And that I shall do, asking you, my dear citizens, to vote for me next WetNoodlesDay, pledging that I will give you my all! We must rebuild our Perswayssick City in the aftermath of the havoc and destruction caused by those monster Kanga-Dyna-Roos. I will, in full cooperation with County Quality of Life Commissioner Gneeecey and his Vice Commissioner Jacob J. Qwertyuiop, ensure that all of our affected downtown buildings are thoroughly inspected and repaired where possible or otherwise rebuilt, especially those high-rises on Veggie Burger Avenue!
SFX: [Applause]
N: And I assure you that if elected to this great office, I will not cut any corners when it comes to our citizens’ safety. Our electrical grid will be modernized and made safe!
SFX: [Applause]
N: I believe that equal opportunity must exist for all of us in this county—humans, canine-humanoids, mouse-humanoids, donkey-humanoids, and even Earth humans like me!
SFX: [Audience Laughing] [Applause]
N: In my Perswayssick County, no one will be left behind! I will designate funding to accelerate existing scientific research to enable our stranded Planet Eccchsers who wish to return to their beloved Planet Eccchs, to return!
SFX: [Applause]
N: And yes, I said that no one will be left behind! That also includes our growing homeless dog population who hide in those abandoned, condemned dog houses on the edge of town—on Boulevard Avenue! We will help them! I will allocate funds for them to live in decent housing and have healthy food and medical care. And we will also accelerate our efforts to clean the toxic, mucky mierk that coats our Perswayssick County’s riverbanks!
SFX: [Utter Astonish Shock]
N: Diroctor Gneeecey and I may come from different places, but he and I share the same vision, the same dream—that of making our Perswayssick County a safe and fair place where all can thrive! A safe and fair place—with a level playing field where all of us citizens have equal opportunity and are free to follow our dreams! So, again, I humbly ask for your vote next WetNoodlesday! Thank you!
SFX: [Applause]
N: Thank you! Thank you!
SFX: [Applause]
DI: Vhat a vunderful speech, Nicki! Superb!
IS: Yah! And vhat craziness—dee Surprise Party ees running against you!
DI: And speaking of surprises, vee have vun for you! Look in our tote bag here! Vee paid Doroty and her Freak O’Nature concession booth a leetle visit.
IS: And vee picked up two very interesting pieces of fruit! Take a look!
N: Why—an orange, with arms and legs, wearing a red cape, and a lemon, with arms and legs, wearing a blue T-shirt and a propeller beanie!
F: An’ stuck together! It’s us, Nicki, me an’ Zig! Doctor Idnas an’ Grandma saved us!
N: How’d you two do that?
DI: Vee offered Doroty more money den she could even believe!
IS: Yah, enough money to buy as many new dresses as she vants! Her vierd eyeballs almost popped out of her head!
N: Doctor Idnas, Grandma, how can we ever thank you?
DI: No tanks ever necessary! Vee are family!
IS: Yah! Dere for each odder, alvays! Vee told Flea and Gneeecey here how distraught you vere, but dat you never gave up hope dat dey vere alive! Vee didn’t eider!
N: Oh, Flea! Oh, Diroctor Gneeecey! I never ever did give up hope!
F: Oh, Nicki, we got some stories to tell you!
DI: Vee hope soon dat Flea and Gneeecey vill morph back into canine-humanoids. Eet may take some time, but dey are safe now and can recuperate at home.
G: Heya, Ig!
N: Oh, Diroctor Gneeecey, I even missed you calling me “Ig”!
F: An’ that was a great speech ya gave, Nicki! Right, Zig?
G: Well, I dunno. She changed my speech! It didn’t need no altercations! Ig, why did ya stinkin’ go an’ make unauthorizated changes to that beaudiful pollutical speech I left for ya?
N: You’re welcome!
SFX: [Rock Logo] [Magic Spell]
We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com
And thank you for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to tell a friend! And keep on laughing!
Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###
