“When Life Gives You Lemons…” – Episode 105
Stranded on Itchy Zit Island, canine-humanoid pals “Zig” Gneeecey and “Flea” Fleaglossitty Floppinsplodge, AKA “Sooperflea” are starving. Gneeecey sneezes out several dollars’ worth of dimes, but alas, coins are not edible. Their latest predicament doesn’t keep them from arguing and assigning blame as they ponder whether to dare to ingest the gross fruit hanging from the strange bumpybutt trees.
Back in Perswayssick County, a guilt-ridden earthling Nicki Rodriguez decides to take action. Her head injury had prevented her from campaigning in Gneeecey’s place for Grate Gizzy and resulted in his taking that ill-fated flight to Guadalulu. Now, Flea, who went searching for Gneeecey, is also missing. Nicki can’t help but feel responsible.
Intending to hit the campaign trail with a vengeance, she finds notes Gneeecey had left for her containing a speech for use in her public appearances, should she ever wake up.
Meanwhile, back on Itchy Zit Island, the two famished canine-humanoids take matters into their own hands and mouths with astonishing consequences.
We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sandi Solá, Sal Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean and Sammie for being generous supporting members via BuyMeACoffee.com! We appreciate their sponsorship and support more than words can say!
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Transcript / When Life Gives You Lemons… – Episode 105, written by Vicki Solá.
All content © 2023 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.
Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki, and the gang….
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Beach Surf Ambience]
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: Last week’s episode, “Itchy Zit Island,” found canine-humanoid pals “Zig” Gneeecey and “Flea” Fleaglossitty Floppinsplodge,” also known as “Sooperflea,” stranded on a strange island in the middle of the Stomachian Sea, with nothing to eat….
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Beach Surf Ambience] [Crickets] [Insect Flies]
“FLEA” FLEAGLOSSITTY FLOPPINSPLODGE, AKA “SOOPERFLEA”: Looky, Zig, I tried to follow the guy, but that fog an’ rain made it impossible! At least we washed up on some land here!
DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY: Well, now what’re we gonna do? We ain’t got no food—I’m starvin’! SFX: [Rumbling Stomach] An’ all them creepy bugs makin’ all this noise are makin’ me real itchy!
SFX: [Crickets] [Insect Flies]
F: At least we ain’t seen no hyenas!
G: Yet! Y’know, I need to get back to Perswayssick County stinkin’ immediately! I’m gonna delay this lousy election myself!
F: An’ how ya gonna do that, Zig?
G: I’ll think of somethin’. Or make up somethin’. I wish I had a airplane to fly right now! Fleaglossitty, ya shoulda seen me fly that Bimbus Air jetliner all by myself after everyone else blew up! I put on that flyin’ hat, strapped myself in, grabbed control, an’ flew that big baby right into the water—
F: Right into the water!
G: Why ya sayin’ it so oogdimonious like thaaat?
F: Look, Zig, we gotta figure out what to do next. It’s gettin’ dark. We’re tired.
G: An’ starvin’—to death!
F: Accordin’ to the coordinates here on my Gnee-PS, an’ from what I read, we’re on Itchy Zit Island.
G: Itchy Zit Island?
F: Yeah. The largest of a chain of islands blemishing the Stomachian Sea. An’ see all them palm trees wit’ lumpy trunks?
F: These are, accordin’ to what I read, bumpybutt trees. Mosquitos an’ other pests are very attracted to ’em. SFX: [Crickets] [Insect Flies] When the sun comes up, we’ll set out for Perswayssick County’s mainland, Booolabeeezia. I hope….
G: Y’know, Fleaglossitty, ya know-it-all, for all your stinkin’ readin’ an’ researchin’, how come ya didn’t know that General John J. Krapp wasn’t real—that he was proboobably jus’ a stinkin’ figurehead lousy legend that never really lived?
SFX: [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell] [Beach Surf Ambience]
G: Fleaglossitty, I think I’m allergical to somethin’ here on this dopey Itchy Zit Island. Proboobably them weird, ugly fruits hangin’ from them bumpybutt trees—you know, that all them flies love? Ah, hah, hah, fiduciary! SFX: [Clinking Coins]
F: Geewhizzickles, Zig—ya musta sneezed out five bucks worth of dimes jus’ now!
G: Yeah, Fleaglossitty. But mon-ney ain’t gonna help us now. We can’t eat mon-ney… Hear my lousy stomach rumblin’? SFX: [Rumbling in Stomach]
F: Ain’t nuthin’ we can do ’bout that now, Zig. Let’s jus’ try an’ think of other stuff till we can think of what to do next. Y’know, when life gives ya lemons—
G: Stinkin’ whatever. Y’know, through this whole ordeal, especially wit’ all them hyenas laughin’ at me an’ not takin’ me serious, I was thinkin’, maybe when we get back home—if we ever do—I should think of gettin’ myself one of them expensive voice transplants I heard about.
F: Good idea, Zig. Your voice always has been kinda high an’ nerdy. Y’know, kinda hard to take serious!
G: How dare ya! Why, yoooou—
F: Zig! Zig! Get your itchy four-fingered hands offa me!
G: I’m gonna squeeze your fat neck even tighter, ya lousy—
F: I’m a superhero—I could put a real hurtin’ on ya!
G: Okay…okay… Ain’t sorry, though. Jus’ don’t wanna get hurt.
F: Looky, Zig, we been best friends since childhood back on Planet Eccchs, before we got stranded in Perswayssick County. I like to think we’re still the best of friends.
G: Yeah, Fleaglossitty, we stinkin’ are.
F: We gotta remember that an’ stick together. I fully realize we’re real, real stressed now, stranded an’ starvin’ on this kinda disgustin’ island.
G: You’re right, Fleaglossitty. Like you said, let’s try an’ think of other junk now till we can come up wit’ some kinda plan of what to do next. Y’know, I still got the problem of our county election, wit’ me not bein’ able to run for a third consekookutive term as Grate Gizzy, an’ all them bad guys tryin’ to take over.
F: True, Zig. An’ we found out that General John J. Krapp can’t give ya permission to delay the election ’cause he probably ain’t real an’ if even if he ever was, he ain’t alive no more.
G: An’ then the lousy Ig—
F: Ya mean, Nicki.
G: Yeah, that’s what I said, Fleaglossitty. Don’t make me put my hands ’round your dopey neck again. Now, the lousy Ig was supposed to run in my place so I could run everything from behind the scenes, but then she had to go have that stupid accident at your stooopid superhero academy—
F: That you demanded she attend—
G: Yeah, so she could help me fight the bad guys better. An’ so she hadda be so incompoopetent as to fly right into that cinderblock wall instead of over it an’ so she gave herself that lousy discussion in her head.
F: That’s a concussion, not a discussion, Zig.
G: Stop always corrugatin’ me, Fleaglossitty.
F: An’ Nicki did her best—it was an accident. It was her first try at flyin’ over a six-foot-tall wall. An’ as I told ya, she has awakened an’ is very upset, thinkin’ you went down wit’ that Bimbus Air Flight 333. She don’t know you’re still alive, an’ she feels like it’s all her fault.
G: Well, it is kinda, ain’t it, Fleaglossitty? If she didn’t fly into that wall an’ get that discussion in her head, I wouldn’t have hadda fly to Guadalulu to try an’ see General Krapp. Anyways, I left the Ig a notebook filled wit’ all these compooprehensive notes ’bout campaignin’ in case she finally stinkin’ woke up while I was gone—y’know, bullet points wit’ all the junk to say, some sampoople speeches, an’ all the places she should hold rallies. She’s proboobably lookin’ at all this junk right now.
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Cartoon Slow Sadness Stinger] [Cuckoo Clock]
NICKI RODRIGUEZ: Grandma, I don’t know how I can ever thank you and Doctor Idnas for staying by my side and caring for me during my long recovery from this head injury.
THERAPIST INGABORE SCRIBLIG, AKA “GRANDMA”: Nicki, vee are vun big family, alvays here for each odder. Right, Alexandra?
DOCTOR ALEXANDRA C. IDNAS: Yah, Ingabore. And Nicki, Grandma and I fully support your decision to hit dee campaign trail een Gneeecey’s place. Vee must ensure dat dee bad guys do not take over our beloved Persvayssick County. Vee vill be vit’ you all dee vay.
IS: Yah! And vee vill continue to pray dat Gneeecey ees still somehow alive, and dat he and Sooperflea vill come home to us soon.
DI: Nicki, dat ees a radder large notebook you are holding dere.
N: Yes, Doctor Idnas. I found this in my room—a notebook filled with information outlining how to campaign. Gneeecey left it for me in the event that I woke up while he was away.
IS: Dat should be vary helpful, den.
N: A note he attached to it reads, “Heya Ig—” and I actually miss him calling me Ig, “this here is a book of bullet points an’ speeches to make from a great speech I once made, an’ places to hold rallies for our campaign in case ya wake up before I return from Guadalulu an’ in case General John J. Krapp don’t allow me to delay the lousy election. Love, Gneeecey.”
DI: Hmm…he even signs it “love.” Vell, let’s see vhat Gneeecey advises here…
N: Let’s see…he starts off with a speech he wants me to make at these campaign rallies. He writes, “Fiends, country peepooples an’ fine snitizens of this wonderfooful County of Perswayssick, we are all assemboobled here for a very momentical occasion, where I, the Ig, will make my pollutical speech an’ tell youse all what I am gonna accompooplish in my new term as Grate Gizzygalumpaggis, hereby shortened to Grate Gizzy, to conservate vowels an’ consonants should youse decide to electrocute me on election day. Tally ho!”
Oh…geez…let’s see what he wants me to say next…
“Youse are all real lucky youse live here in this here Perswayssick County, where most stuff is not only legal, it’s illegal too!
“An’ wit’out gettin’ sentimentrental, I pledge to stinkronize our moolitary might wit’ everythin’ I can do to make yooou, my wonderfooful snitizens, hapoopy! I will still give youse the shirts offa your backs! An’ the pants offa your bimbus, too! Yolo, baby! Youse only live once! An’ we are certaintaneously gonna live that once, twice!
“An’ youse know what else? I’ve fixed it so youse can plug appliances an’ all other electrical junk into every tree trunk in this fair county! They’re all grounded now, wit’ them three-pronged adapters! Even the ones on Veggie Burger Avenue where Fleaglossitty lives, where we had sevooveral dangerousical incidents! An’ now they all got USB ports, too! The trees, not the incidents!
“Plus, now we’re addin’ yellow to them lousy blue laws to get green laws!
“An’ why should we be allowed to buy vanilla syrup every stinkin’ day but chokookolate syrup only on some days? That could stinkin’ cause anarkooky! Even among meee!
“An’ antidisestablishmentarianistically speakin’ concernin’ my following Grate Gizzy Gneeecey’s metaphorical rise to power, I’m hapoopy to serve now in his place, wit’ all due disrespect. So, I thereforthically pledge, yeah-an’-a-half, to continue to conservate vowels an’ consonants, in order to bring more eckookoonomical an’ alphoophabetical equality an’ justice to our fair county! It’s a new stinkin’ day! I promise youse two pots in every garage an’ two garages in every pot! An’ driver’s licenses for chickens!”
SFX: [Rustling Papers]
Oh, gee…I can’t go to rallies and say this…
SFX: [Fail Horn] [Magic Spell] [Beach Surf Ambience] [Crickets] [Insect Flies] [Rumbling in Stomach x 2]
G: Fleaglossitty, thinkin’ of other junk didn’t work. We’re gonna stinkin’ starve to death before we can even think of what to do next.
F: Zig, are you thinkin’ what I’m thinkin’?
G: Proboobably. But tell me so I’ll know if I aaam.
F: I’m thinkin’ we got no other choice but to reach up to them bumpybutt tree branches an’ ingest some of them gross lookin’ fruits hangin’ from ’em.
G: Yep, Fleaglossitty. I’m thinkin’ the same thing. I mean, how much more stinkin’ trouble can we get into?
F: Okiedokie, Zig. Here’s one for you, an’ here’s one for me. Hmmm…mine’s kinda sweet…
G: An’ mine’s kinda sour…
SFX: [Magic Glitter]
G: Fleaglossitty! Ya jus’ turned into an orange! Like ya buy in the store to eat! Ya still got arms an’ legs, an’ your red superhero cape too, but’cha jus’ turned into a lousy orange!
F: An’ yooou, Zig—ya jus’ turned into a lemon—wit’ arms an’ legs an’ covered by your blue T-shirt! An’ your propeller beanie’s still on toppa what used to be your head!
F & G [in unison]: Ooooh noooo! We’re fruit!
SFX: [Horn, Boat] [Ship Freighter]
G: What’s that sound?
F: It’s a cargo ship—a Freak O’Nature Fruit cargo ship! An’ it’s come real close to the shore here!
G: Some guys are gettin’ out!
F: An’ runnin’ straight toward us!
SFX: [Crunching Leaves]
GUY 1: Look at them two pieces of fruit on the ground!
GUY 2: Never seen nuthin’ like this! An orange an’ a lemon—wit’ arms an’ legs!
GUY 1: An’ wearin’ clothes! Pick ’em up, Bob! Throw ’em in the bag here!
F & G [in unison]: Halp! Halp!
GUY 1: They talk, too!
SFX: [Cartoon Character Annoyed Crying] [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell]
We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com
And thank you for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to tell a friend! And keep on laughing!
Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###