“Free-Range But Not Cage-Free” – Episode 102
Gneeecey finds himself stranded on a hyena-infested “prehysterical” island after his plane plummets into the Stomachian Sea. The strange humanoid creatures there think he’s a god of some type, wearing his Bimbus Air pilot’s hat and red high-top sneakers, and they bow to him. He charges them with building him a crude boat so he can set sail for the island of Guadalulu and the General John J. Krapp Airfield. There, he believes, he can accomplish his goal of delaying Perswayssick County’s upcoming election. Disqualified from running for a third consecutive term as the county’s Grate Gizzygalumpaggis, he had persuaded Nicki to run in his place. But alas, due to a severe head injury, she’s unable to hit the campaign trail.
The spotted hyenas’ “soothing hammering” makes Gneeecey sleepy. He removes his waterlogged hat and sneakers and falls asleep. To his utter dismay, he awakens to find that the hyenas had built a cage around him as he slept. They were also bowing and worshipping the hyena, who was wearing his airline cap and sneakers.
Back home, in Gneeecey’s mansion, Dorothy visits again, demanding payment for the large quantity of eat-now-pay-later Freak O’Nature snacks Gneeecey gobbled up.
Dr. Idnas and Grandma continue caring for Nicki. As she recovers from her severe head injury, she seems improved, briefly, raising their hopes, but then floats in and out of consciousness, recounting more of the bizarre birthday party Gneeecey gave her.
Sooperflea, whose superhero ESP has been on the fritz, begins hearing chattering, in his head, of spotted hyenas.
Meanwhile, back on the “prehysterical” island, while the hyenas nap, Gneeecey, grasping the cage’s prison-like bars to hold it above his head, sneaks away, complaining about how heavy it is. Eventually, he realizes he can just step out of the floorless thing. As he does, he hears the hyenas coming. He climbs the nearest tree and is soon surrounded by the laughing beasts.
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Transcript / Free-Range But Not Cage-Free – Episode 102, written by Vicki Solá.
All content © 2023 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.
Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki, and the gang….
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Beach Surf Ambience]
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: In last week’s episode, “King of the Hyenas,” Perswayssick County’s leader, Jack Russell-type canine-humanoid “Zig” Gneeecey finds himself stranded on a hyena-infested “prehysterical” island after his plane plummets into the Stomachian Sea. The strange humanoid creatures there think Gneeecey’s a god of some type, wearing his Bimbus Air pilot’s hat and red high-top sneakers, and they bow to him. He charges them with building him a crude boat so he can set sail for the island of Guadalulu and the General John J. Krapp Airfield. There, he believes, he can accomplish his goal of delaying Perswayssick County’s upcoming election. Disqualified from running for a third consecutive term as the county’s Grate Gizzygalumpaggis, he had persuaded Nicki to run in his place. But alas, due to a severe head injury, she’s unable to hit the campaign trail.
The spotted hyenas’ “soothing hammering” makes Gneeecey sleepy. He removes his waterlogged hat and sneakers and falls asleep.
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Hyena Spotted Laugh] [Hyena Laugh] [Hammer Wood]
DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY: Ah, the soothin’ rhythm of them hammers bangin’ is puttin’ me to sleep….
SFX: [Hammer Wood] [Piano Rockabye] [Cartoon Snoring] [Magic Spell]
G: It’s mornin’ awready? I musta slept fast! Wait—somethin’ here ain’t right—yaaaaaah!
SFX: [Hyena Spotted Laugh] [Hyena Laugh]
G: Them lousy hyenas—while I was sleepin’, they built a stinkin’ cage around me, an’ now I’m trapped! An’ looky! One of ’em’s wearin’ my flyin’ hat an’ my red high-top sneakers—an’ they’re all bowing in his direction! Halp! Gimme back my stuff! Stinkin’ get me outta here! Maybe I do need one of them voice transplants, so people take me serious! Halp!
SFX: [Hyena Spotted Laugh] [Hyena Laugh] [Nasty Laugh] [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell] [Beach Surf Ambience]
G: Looky! All them stinkin’ hyenas appear to be napping! Now’s my chance to get away! It will be possibooble to run away ’cause them little beasts jus’ built this stooopid cage over me. They didn’t build no floor.
SFX: [Leaves Crunching]
I’m really gettin’ tired holdin’ this lousy, heavy cage over my dopey noodle while I run. The wooden bars are all splintery an’ hurtin’ my haaands. An’ them flies are obnoxious, followin’ me wherever I go! SFX: [Insect Flies] They’re proboobably attracted to my stinkin’ socks. An’ it ain’t no fun runnin’ in jus’ my socks—hurts! Little creeps stole my beaudiful red high-top sneakers! I must’ve run sevooveral miles awready! I’m hot, tired, and hungry! SFX: [Rumbling Stomach] I dunno how I’m gonna get to Guadalulu an’ the General John J. Krapp Airfield an’ the Krapp Pavillion. Gettin’ there an’ pleadin’ my case to the general is the only stinkin’ chance I have to delay this lousy election till the Ig recovers from her head injury. The legend states that General Krapp is a actual legend who has aboobsolute authority, even over meee, the Grate Gizzy of this county an’ whole dimension. SFX: [Creature Shrill Scream] What in Bogelthorpe’s name was thaaat? Lemme pick up my pace here! SFX: [Leaves Crunching] Geewhizzickles, this lousy cage is so heavy! My haaands are killin’ me! Where’s that stinkin’ defective superhero Fleaglossitty when I need him? Some friend he is!
SFX: [Leaves Crunching] [Magic Spell]
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: Meanwhile, back home, in Gneeecey’s opulent four-story mansion, Gneeecey’s canine-humanoid superhero pal “Flea” Fleaglossitty Floppinsplodge, also known as “Sooperflea,” Doctor Alexandra C. Idnas and therapist Ingabore Scriblig, also known as “Grandma,” continue caring for Nicki.
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Cartoon Slow Sadness Stinger]
“FLEA” FLEAGLOSSITTY FLOPPINSPLODGE, AKA “SOOPERFLEA”: How is Nicki doing today?
DOCTOR ALEXANDRA C. IDNAS: Vee tink she ees coming around a bit, Flea, right, Ingabore?
THERAPIST INGABORE SCRIBLIG, AKA “GRANDMA”: Yah, Alexandra! She ees more alert and has begun speaking more normally. Dis ees wery encouraging!
NICKI RODRIGUEZ: Hi…Flea…Doctor Idnas…Grandma!
SFX: [Doorbell Ring] [Door Pound]
F: Oh, no—someone’s at the door again! I hope it’s not that Dorothy, demandin’ payment for them forty bags of eat-now-pay-later Freak O’Nature snacks again.
F: What, Nicki, what?
N: I—I really don’t think that Dorothy is who she says she is.
F: I been thinkin’ that all along, too.
N: I mean, she’s dressed exactly like that Dorothy character from The Wizard of Oz…
F: But she ain’t wearin’ no ruby slippers.
N: She’s wearing red high-top sneakers like most everyone else here in Perswayssick County. And I don’t even think she’s a girl. She has really hairy legs and looks like she needs a shave…
SFX: [Doorbell Ring] [Door Pound]
F: Well, lemme go down an’ see who’s there.
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Human Walk Downstairs] [Doorbell Ring] [Door Pound]
F: Comin’, for Bogelthorpe’s sake! Comin’!
SFX: [Doorbell Ring] [Door Pound] [Sneakers Squeaking] [Door Open] [Scary Ambience]
REDHEADED BROKEN-NOSED MARK: Hey, it’s me again, y’know, Dorothy, from the Perswayssick Girls Club. Ya know, sellin’ stuff to do good junk to the community? I hear they still ain’t found the doc or his plane, but I gotta get paid for them forty bags of them eat-now-pay-later Freak O’Nature snacks dat he ate but ain’t paid for yet.
F: Jus’ one minute, Dorothy…I’ll be right back….
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking]
M: What’s that gleamin’ pile of silver ya got in them furry black canine-humanoid hands?
F: A downpayment, okay? Here’s five bucks in dimes—dimes Zig Gneeecey sneezed outta his nose! Catch! SFX: [Clinking Coins]
M: Ya didn’t hafta throw ’em at me! Now, I gotta bend over an’ pick ’em all up! An’ what’s that all over ’em?
F: Told ya, Zig sneezed ’em out—
SFX: [Cartoon Slip] [Slip and Fall] [Fabric Tear] [Duck Horn]
M: Yaaaaah! Ya made me fall on my bimbus an’ bust my beaudiful dress!
SFX: [Door Slam] [Sneakers Squeaking] [Human Walk Upstairs] [Sneakers Squeaking]
F: It was Dorothy. Got rid of her…for a while, anyway…. Now, Nicki, I wanna hear more—
DI: Oh, Flea, she’s een and out of consciousness again, babbling about dat radder bizarre birtday party Gneeecey had given her….
F: Oh, no….
N: And that walking talking numeral friend of Gneeecey’s named Nine places his top hat at his feet, upside-down. “Ya ready to perform?” Gneeecey asked him. “Yes, Diroctor,” he answered as he positioned his cane to his right with a flourish. “Here goes, all you non-numerals!” I remember Gneeecey’s mouth opened wide. “You’re a nineteen!” Nine laid down his stick and launched himself into an upward trajectory that culminated in a ceiling-grazing somersault. It deposited him headfirst into his hat. The clear headgear created the illusion that he floated a foot off the ground. “A six!” roared Gneeecey, pounding the tiles with his fists. “I caaan’t staaand it!” Nine picked up his cane and held it to his left. “A sixteen!” shrieked Stu. Flubbubb gasped. “Now he’s a sixty-one!” Nine flipped again and landed upright. He looked queasy. “A bit rough on a full stomach,” he said, patting his gold cummerbund. “But I’ll carry on—” “You integer,” barked Gneeecey. “Ya stinkin’ better not—” I remember Flea and Flubbubb gawking at Gneeecey.
“I am a whole number, factored by myself, plus a distinguished prime, and one, who humors me by standing in as my patient sidekick, enabling me to parody double-digits,” declared Nine, raising his walking stick. “And that he does faithfully, rather than exercising his more, I’m sure, preferable prerogative, that of recusing himself from these proceedings, hilariously colorful as they might be.” Gneeecey chucked a bucketful of styrofoam peanuts at the numeral. “Go home and square yourself!” Nine’s face glowed a deep orange. “I shall not discuss exponents— or any of my rather fascinating multiples.” Twirling his cane, the digit leaped into the air and hovered, for a split second, before executing a quadruple-flip and touching down lightly, as a ninety-one. Flea clung to me, doubled over. Flubbubb fell to his knees. “Be sixteen again!” “No!” yelled Gneeecey. “Not in my dinin’ room!” “That’s it, folks,” proclaimed Nine, dusting himself off. Everyone clapped. Knowing I hated eating noises, Gneeecey shoved a handful of packing peanuts into his yapper and smiling triumphantly, crunched them in my face. “You don’t eat that!” I exclaimed, aghast, as the others crammed fistfuls into their mouths. Flea tugged gently on my sleeve. “My good friend,” he said, chomping, “The questions are the answers.” Silly me….
F: Oh, Nicki….
IS: Oh, dear, she ees back in dat odder vurld again…. Flea, vhat ees dee matter? You’re holding your ears—
DI: Yah, and shaking your head!
F: Uh-oh…Now, I’m hearin’ these weird sounds—in my head! SFX: [Hyena Spotted Laugh] [Hyena Laugh] Don’t you all hear it? Sounds like spotted hyenas…I wonder if that’s my superhero ESP comin’ back or somethin’…. SFX: [Hyena Spotted Laugh] I’m priddy sure I didn’t suffer no head injury….
SFX: [Magic Spell] Beach Surf Ambience] [Leaves Crunching]
G: I stinkin’ swear, I’m gonna get one of them voice transplants so that I’m taken more serious. But first, I gotta figure out how I’m gonna get to Guadalulu. It’s too stinkin’ far to try an’ swim. An’ my arms are killin’ me! Holdin’ this lousy cage over my head as I run ain’t easy! Wait a stinkin’ minute… Meee, the certifiable genius jus’ realized somethin’…this stupid cage ain’t got no floor, so I can jus’ throw it over my head an’ run wit’out it! [SFX: Leaves Crunching] There! An’ lemme get my propeller beanie outta my pocket an’ put it on—it’ll help me run faster!
SFX: [Hyena Spotted Laugh] [Hyena Laugh]
G: Stinkin’ uh-oh—them hyenas are back—an’ they see me! Lemme climb up this here tree! Halp! I’m surrounded! Where’s that stinkin’ Fleaglossitty when I need him?
SFX: [Hyena Spotted Laugh] [Hyena Laugh] [Nasty Laugh] [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger]
We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com
And thank you for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to tell a friend! And keep on laughing!
Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###