Transcript / Flight or Fright Mechanism – Episode 100, written by Vicki Solá.
All content © 2023 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.
Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki, and the gang….
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Airport Ambience]
“FLEA” FLEAGLOSSITTY FLOPPINSPLODGE, AKA “SOOPERFLEA”: Well, Zig, despite the horrible storm, all them bad traffic jams, an’ me missin’ the Bovine Boulevard exit ’cause ya wouldn’t stop runnin’ your big yapper, here we are at your terminal. Good ol’ Bimbus Air wit’ their catchy an’ reassurin’ slogan, “Got The Gas to Get’cha There!” An’ we’re real lucky ’cause even though we got here late, your flight was delayed by the bad weather.
DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY: You’re stinkin’ lucky, Fleaglossitty. Ya know how maaad I woulda been if I missed this here lousy flight ’cause of yooou? Awready told ya a zillion times, this is a secret do-or-die mission to delay the election ’cause they won’t let me run for another consekookutive term as Grate Gizzy, an’ the Ig ain’t recovered enough from her head injury to hit the lousy campaign trail in my place an’ win so’s I can still run things from behind the scenes! Absitively posilutely gotta make it to that remote island on the edge of our dimension, y’know, Guadalulu, an’ the General John J. Krapp Airfield! Can’t tell ya no more than that.
F: I understand, Zig, an’ I wish ya the very best. An’ before I leave ya here an’ head home, did ya really mean all them mean an’ rotten things ya said to me on the way here?
G: Nah, Fleaglossitty, not all of ’em. Jus’ most of ’em. Oh, stinkin’ no! Where’s my lousy ticket?
F: Right there in your shakin’ hands, Zig!
G: Must be nervous ’cause the plane gotta fly extra high jus’ to get there safe in one piece, y’know, all the way near the edge of our whole dimension. If they go too far, we could even fall off! But I’ll stay calm. Got my new copy of our spiritual leader, the Grand Oogitty-Boogitty’s “Grand Bookitty of Sayin’s,” right here in my shirt pocket. An’ I’m gonna kick the plane’s tires before I get on. Always do that when I fly.
F: Oh, looky, Zig, there goes your flight crew. SFX: [Scary Ambience] Look at your pilot an’ co-pilot. I don’t like the looks of either of ’em. An’ your fellow passengers—they give me the creeps, too. They look like, y’know, them gangster alien Markmen, wit’ their waxy amber-tinged skin an’ vividly colored eyeballs. Y’know, them floatin’ eyeball guys that cover themselves wit’ rubbery mierk to give form to their invisible bodies? Ain’t no one normal-lookin’ at this whole boarding gate.
G: Well, Fleaglossitty, even as Grate Gizzy of this here Perswayssick County, I can’t stop no one from travelin’.
PUBLIC ADDRESS SYSTEM: Bimbus Air Flight 333 boarding now at Gate Three.
G: Threee’s my lucky number! Gotta go, Fleaglossitty. Take care of my maaansion. An’ the Ig.
F: Okay, Zig. Be safe.
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Airplane-Jet-Stewardess-Cabin]
G: Aaaah—I don’t need to listen to all this junk. Ain’t never gonna need no flotation device. This is a stinkin’ plane, not the lousy Titanic…. Oh, looky, I’m in luck! I see a coupla them rollin’ trays loaded wit’ Freak O’Nature snacks! Rotzals, Rindom Doodles, Slug Nuts… Hope they got fermented Slog, too, to wash ’em all down….
MARKMAN: Heya Doc, you talkin’ to me?
G: Nah, heh, heh…. Always talk to myself…. Geewhizzickles, I wonder why all them passengers are lookin’ at me an’ smilin’…. Proboobably ’cause they reckookognize me an’ they’re real excited to be on the same plane as meee, their leader, the Grate Gizzy of this whole here Perswayssick County! Stinkin’ uh-oh…her!
NURSE MAUDLYN: Yes! Tis I, Nurse Maudlyn. Hello, Diroctor Gneeecey!
G: What are yooou doin’ here? Are you jus’ another gasbag balloon double of yourself? Another duplicate the original Nurse Maudlyn created usin’ that secret pharmaceutical Dimeosacion?
NM: None of your business! A girl can travel, can’t she? I’m headed for Hokuspokusville and the General John J. Krapp building. Far away on the island of Guadalulu. How romantic! A little birdie gave me the idea to travel there. Or should I say, a certain elbow-high white-and-black canine-humanoid gave me the idea? So, put a sock in it, Gneeecey!
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Airplane Jet] [Airplane Jet Continuous]
G: Suddenly, my awready pumped-up ego actually feels like it’s inflatin’ as we climb! We’re goin’ higher an’ higher to get to the edge of our dimension safe in one piece! SFX: [Snap Rubber] Stinkin’ ow! Somethin’ in my endless pit of a T-shirt pocket jus’ blew up—oh stinkin’ nooo—my tiny expensive blow-up duck, Bob! He jus’ exploded! I always keep him inflated in my pocket ’cause he’s my friend!
NM: Oh, dear… I…I… SFX: [TwistPopScrunchBalloon] I—I don’t feel… very…well! Yaaaaaah! SFX: [SnapRubber]
G: She stinkin’ blew up! Nurse Maudlyn jus’ exploded! Guess the ol’ gasbag couldn’t handle all the pressurization from the plane goin’ so high! But, wait a second, even meee, a brilliant scientist, knows that the higher ya go, the less stinkin’ pressure there is! Somethin’s fishy here!
SFX: [TwistPopScrunchBalloon] [Scream] [Male Screams 1,2,3,4,5, &6] [SnapRubber]
G: Holy Saint Bogelthorpe—looks like everyone on this stinkin’ plane ’cept meee jus’ blew up! An’ ow, one of their shoes jus’ hit me in my dopey noodle—felt like a size thirteen!
SFX: [Airplane Jet Continuous]
G: All these slimy busted-up pieces are so disgustipatin’! Glad I didn’t get to eat none of them Freak O’Nature snacks…. Now, I’d better stinkin’ collect myself an’ go up there an’ knock on the cockpit door to see if everything’s awright.
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Slip] [Slip and Fall] [Duck Horn]
G: Ow—jus’ stinkin’ slipped on some of them slimy busted-up pieces an’ fell on my lousy bimbus! Gotta get up an’ check out that cockpit!
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking]
G: Stinkin’ Holy Saint Bogelthorpe! Cockpit door’s open, an’ there ain’t no pilot or co-pilot in there! Only them gross busted-up slimy pieces! Ain’t no one flyin’ this lousy plane!
SFX: [Airplane Jet Continuous] [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger[Airplane Jet Continuous]
G: My oversized brain that’s almost too big to fit in my head which is almost too big to fit in a hat jus’ stinkin’ figured it all out! I ain’t a certifiable genius for nuthin’! The atmospherikookal pressure reduced an’ so the cabin pressure got more depressurized as we went up higher, an’ that difooference in the air pressure made all the inflatable junk onboard here expand an’ blow up! All them fully inflated baaad people—that rotten fake Nurse Maudlyn an’ all them lousy mierk-coated Markmen—they thought they were gonna come along on this flight an’ mess up my secret plans, but the last laugh was on… meeeeee! I’m the only lousy one left on this plane!
SFX: [Cartoon Character Annoyed Crying]
G: What’s that emergency distress signal again? I remember it has a month in it! Octvember? Nah… Junebug? Nah! March forth? Nah! Tax day? Nah! Payday? Nah… Sick day? Kinda, but nah… Apoopril showers? Wait, I remember now, it’s the month after—Mayday! Mayday! Mayday! Wait—before I figure out what else to do, I gotta go find one of them barf bags they’re supposed to supply on planes. Ain’t gonna make it to no bathroom. I don’t feel so good.
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Slip] [Slip and Fall] [Duck Horn]
G: Stinkin’ ow! The indignity! Insultipication upon injury! Oh, looky…here on the floor is a magazine… “How to Soothe a Queasy Stomach.” Blaaaaaugh! Too late! Didn’t even make it to them lousy barf bags…. Well, I better get back inside that cockpit an’ figure out what to stinkin’ do next…
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking]
G: Okay. Lemme siddown an’ put on this flyin’ hat. Ya should always wear a airline pilot’s hat when you’re flyin’ a plane. Someone gotta, an’ evoovidently the pilots ain’t got no heads to put ’em on no more, so they won’t mind. Aha, that in front of me looks like a steering wheel. Hmmm… perhaphoops that little button on it is some kinda radio thingie. I’ll press it. Ain’t got nuthin’ to lose…
SFX: [AirplaneAlarm]
G: Uh-oh—says, “autopilot disconnected”! Lemme press that thingie again! I’ll hafta look for a radio button later. Well, as long as this dopey plane’s flyin’ itself for the time bein’, I’m gonna go use the bathroom. Always need to when I’m in a nerve-racketin’ situational situation….
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [AirplaneCabinOpenBathroom]
G: Where’s that stooopid Fleaglossitty when I need him? Oh, I forgot—his dopey superhero ESP never works. If he was my real best friend, he’d be here whenever I need him! Perhaphoops as I sit here, I can comfort an’ inspire myself by readin’ a passage from my new copy of our spiritual leader, the Grand Oogitty-Boogitty’s “Grand Bookitty of Sayin’s” right here in my shirt pocket. He says, “For it is what it is, an’ not what it was, an’ certainly not what it might be if ever it wasn’t.” Aaaah—what’s a roasted potato know, anyways? SFX: [Splash Water] Now, how do ya flush this lousy thing? It’s stinkin’ easier to fly this plane than to flush this here terlit! Oh!
SFX: [JetAirplaneBathroomFlush] [AirplaneCabinLockedBathroom]
G: Hey—I’m stinkin’ locked in! Lousy door won’t open! SFX: [Bang] Halp! Lemme out! SFX: [Bang] Halp! Halp!
SFX: [AirplaneAlarm] [AirplaneTooLowGear]
G: Ooooh stinkin’ noooo! We’re all gonna die—well, make that, I’m gonna die! SFX: [Bang] Halp! SFX: [Cartoon Character Annoyed Crying] Lemme out! Halp! SFX: [Metal Click 4] Oh!
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Airplane Alarm] [AirplaneJet Terrain Pull Up Warning]
G: There! Now, I wanna know, how did that lousy audimadical pilot thingie disconnect all by its stinkin’ self? I think I got a lousy app for flyin’ a plane… here it is… aaaah—forgot my stinkin’ password! Oh, nice. They’ll e-mail me a reset link if I put in my old password that I don’t stinkin’ know… Let’s look for some kinda radio button… gotta talk to someone…anyone! This plane ain’t gonna land itself! Hmmm…this instrument panel looks rather sophistiphoosticated… y’know, kinda real compooplicated. This here might be a radio button. SFX: [Boing] Lousy knob jus’ popped off… an’ I don’t see it on the floor, nowhere’s… I certaintaincerely hope it wasn’t nuthin’ important…didn’t look real important… oh, looky, a headset. Shoulda thought of puttin’ that on before, but there’s so much junk in this here cockpit… An’ that there could be the radio button… Once I flew our GAS-TV Channel three-an’-a-half helicopter back in Epoopisode 38. “Flight of the Bumble Gneee.” Flew the copter real good after jus’ watchin’ a coupla YouTube videos on how to fly one. Landed that chopper right into my livin’ room window.
It’s still there, blockin’ out all the light. But this whole setup here don’t look the same…looks much more difooficult….
SFX: [Radio Static]
G: Who woulda thunk to look in the center here…hmm… Mayday! Mayday! Mayday! Hah? Oh, Air Trafoofic Control? Glad I gotcha! I’m in real big gigaaantical trouble! SFX: [Radio Static] Hah? Whaaaat? Oh, I gotta press the button each time I talk to youse? Okay. I’m settin’ them radio buttons to what youse guys are tellin’ me…emergency frequency on standby… it’s takin’ me a hot minute to find junk here. ATC button? Change transponder numbers to what so I’ll be seen as a emergency flight? Yeah, okay, think I got it… SFX: [Radio Static] Hah? Now, looky, this is Diroctor Bizzig “Zig” Gneeecey an’ I am havin’ to fly this whole lousy plane my stinkin’ self ’cause the pilots an’ whole crew an’ everyone else stinkin’ aboard, everyone that is but yours truly, blew up! SFX: [Radio Static] Yeah, youse heard me right the first time. Everyone on board blew up ’cept me. Now, I am very smart an' got lotsa degrees, but I ain’t never flown no plane before! Ain’t there some flight or fright mechanism on this here dashboard? Youse gotta help me find it—quick! SFX: [Radio Static] There ain’t one? That’s impossibooble! SFX: [Radio Static] Whaaat? Flight plan? Oh yeah, I planned to travel so I could go on this do-or-die secret mission to, y’know, try an’ delay the county’s upchuckin’ election. It’s in less than a fartnight an’ if youse don’t help me here, it might turn into a die-or-die mission an’ our whole county will go down the terlit an’ the baaad guys will take charge— SFX: [Radio Static] Whaaat? Well, what in Bogelthorpe’s name dooo youse mean? SFX: [Radio Static] Do youse know who I am? Awready stinkin’ told youse this is Diroctor Bizzig “Zig” Gneeecey, Grate Gizzy of this here lousy Perswayssick County. How many times do I gotta tell youse? SFX: [Radio Static] Oh, yeah? Youse got a special number for me to call when I’m ready? Well, guess what, I ain’t ready. Ain’t got no time for socializatin’—I’m tryin’ to fly this plane. An’ anyways, my smellphone is on airplane mode—should make youse people happy that I’m coopooperatin’ wit’ your rules…SFX: [Radio Static] Okay, I certaintaneously dooo want youse to help me. This is Bimbus Air, Flight 333, left Saint Bogelthorpe Airport in Perswayssick City stinkin’ late at six a.m., headed for Hokuspokusville’s General John J. Krapp Airfield on the remote island of Guadalulu.
SFX: [Radio Static] How many souls on board? Told youse, they’re all souls, now. Everyone else on board blew up ’cept for me or I wouldn’t be here talkin’ to youse. An’ how much fuel do I got? Dunno. Plane feels priddy heavy to me. After all, Bimbus Air’s slogan is “Got the Gas to Get’cha There.” SFX: [Radio Static] Oh, that screen in the middle there? Says somethin’ like four tons of fuel. An’ nope, no hazmat junk on board, not no more. Told youse awready, it all blew up. SFX: [Radio Static] Core selectors? Altitude window? I got a giant mouse named Altitude workin’ for me. Well, makin’ believe he’s workin’. He’s real lazy an’— SFX: [Radio Static] Hah? Can’t hardly hear youse! Put altitude window down to how many thousand feet? An’ stinkin’ don’t pay no attention if lights come on? Seriously? SFX: [Radio Static] LVL CHG? Hah? Means level change? If youse say so… An’ my name ain’t Roger, awready told youse, it’s Diroctor Bizzig “Zig” Gneeecey. I proboobably sign your paychecks! SFX: [Radio Static] Hah? Youse didn’t hear nuthin’ I jus’ said ’cause I proboobably didn’t press the button? ILS frequency an’ course selectors? What, slow down to how many knots? I got knots in my stomach ’cause I can’t find where to do that…You’re sure there ain’t no flight or fright mechanism on this lousy dashboard? I need the bathroom again, but I’m strapped tight in this lousy seat! An’ speakin’ of slowin’ down, slow down tellin’ me what to do! Indicated airspeed? Hah? Autoland ILS? Set up difooferent frequencies? I really don’t wanna mess with that an' lose youse guys! An' what about them flaps? You’re goin’ way too fast even though I’m a certifiable genius and now I can’t hardly hear youse—this is a stinkin’ nightmare! SFX: [Radio Static] An’ what? I’m still goin’ way too fast? What flaps? Auto brake an’ speed brake? I’m lookin’! I’m lookin’! Yeah, I stinkin’ know youse told me to turn ’round an’ go back to Perswayssick City, but I can’t do that. SFX: [Radio Static] I see that little window but the button that goes wit’ it is perhaphoops quite possiboobly the dopey button that popped off. Bimbus Air 333 to Air Trafoofic Control! Bimbus Air 333 to Air Trafoofic Control! Youse are breakin’ up on me, now! Are youse guys mad at me or somethin’? I proboobably didn’t really mean whatever I might’ve said that could’ve got youse so maaad! Hey, if the radio thing ain’t workin’ for us, perhaphoops mayboobee we could do a Zoom call? After all, me an’ this here plane are zoomin’ all over right about now! Holy Saint Bogelthorpe! All I see is water—an’ lots of it! Looks like H two O wit’ extra two! An’ it’s all comin’ up at me—right in my face—real, real faaast!
SFX: [Water Splash] [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell]
We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com.
And thank you for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to tell a friend! And keep on laughing!
Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###
