Sick

“Sick” – Episode 97

 Turns out that conditions are better at Holy Krapp than at Florence Ferguson…until Nurse Maudlyn appears. She informs canine-humanoid Gneeecey that he will not be discharged until he produces a urine sample, but she denies him liquids. In fact, she imprisons Gneeecey, his canine-humanoid pal Sooperflea, and earthling Nicki, using restraints. Nurse Maudlyn’s mood worsens significantly after a highly unpleasant phone call with her unreciprocating, sadistic heartthrob Doctor Frombilagonga. 

Meanwhile, Dorothy, the strange girl who sold Gneeecey the tainted eat-now-pay-later goods that caused him to be hospitalized, shows up with a bouquet of weedy flowers. Sooperflea, whose bladder is bursting, asks Dorothy if she would mind freeing him, Nicki, and Gneeecey, but she declines and leaves.

Gneeecey and Sooperflea are allergic to Dorothy’s flowers and begin sneezing uncontrollably. Sooperflea sneezes so hard that he breaks out of his restraints. Freed, he heads straight for an empty urinal. A furious Nurse Maudlyn barges into the room demanding to know what’s going on, particularly, where the strange flowers came from. In the end, Sooperflea’s bladder and legendary clumsiness save the day. 

We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sandi Solá, Sal Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean and Sammie for being generous supporting members via BuyMeACoffee.com! We appreciate their sponsorship and support more than words can say! 

https://buymeacoffee.com/Perswayssick (Please support us with a one-time gift or monthly sponsorship amount—various levels available—to help keep us coming to you via BuyMeACoffee.com! We’ll shout you out during our podcast episodes and in our show notes here, plus supply you with more fun perks!)  

https://www.amazon.com/Vicki-Sola/e/B07J29RVMQ (Amazon Author Page, check out our Gneeecey/Nicki e-books and paperbacks!)

https://www.nfreads.com/interview-with-author-vicki-sola/ (Interview with Vicki Solá)

https://perswayssickradio.buzzsprout.com (right here, our Buzzsprout website w/episodes & transcripts!)   

And many thanks to disproportionately cool artist Jay Hudson for our podcast logo! https://yojayhudson.com/

This Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy podcast is made possible in part by a generous grant from The Ardelle Institute, providing Executive Coaching for aspiring and established professionals who want to develop their careers, including upwardly-mobile executives, professionals who may be in between jobs and college graduates transitioning to the workforce. The Ardelle Institute helps with resumes, cover letters, LinkedIn profiles, interview skills, and effective job search strategies.  For more information, please call (201) 394-6939, that's (201) 394-6939, or visit them on the web at ardelle-institute.com, that's A-R-D-E-L-L-E dash institute dot com. Take it from me, Gneeecey!

Transcript

Transcript / Sick – Episode 97, written by Vicki Solá. 

All content © 2023 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. 

Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki, and the gang….

SFX: [Magic Spell] [Hospital Room Ambience]

NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: In last week’s episode “Lit,” after ingesting the forty bags of Freak O’Nature snacks that stranded earthling Nicki Rodriguez and canine-humanoid Flea “Fleaglossitty Floppinsplodge, also known as “Sooperflea,” warned him not to eat, Perswayssick County leader “Zig” Gneeecey’s entire body lights up neon blue in the middle of the night. And before dawn, the strange girl with the raspy voice who sold him the tainted eat-now-pay-later goods comes knocking at his door—well, pounding on it—demanding payment. 

Meanwhile, stress causes the canine-humanoid county leader to regress and display doglike behavior, distressing his fellow canine-humanoid buddy Sooperflea. Gneeecey scoots along the carpet, chews on his arms and expensive couch, and even gobbles up an entire umbrella. 

Gneeecey finally agrees to be taken to the hospital after his personal physician Doctor Alexandra C. Idnas assures him that conditions at Holy Krapp Hospital are much better than those at Florence Ferguson Memorial. She also mentions lightheartedly that rotten Nurse Maudlyn won’t be at Holy Krapp unless she’s managed to create another double of herself. 

Gneeecey is admitted for observation, and Nicki and Sooperflea are allowed to stay with him. But the three have an unpleasant surprise coming their way….

SFX: [Screams] [Door Slam] [Sneakers Squeaking] [Door Open] [Screams] [Door Slam] [Sneakers Squeaking]

NICKI RODRIGUEZ: What on Earth—uh, what in the universe is going on out there in the hall?

“FLEA” FLEAGLOSSITTY FLOPPINSPLODGE, AKA “SOOPERFLEA”: Lemme take a walk out into the corridor an’ have a look. 

SFX: [Screams] [Door Slam] [Sneakers Squeaking] [Door Open] [Screams] [Door Slam] [Sneakers Squeaking]

F: Uh-oh! Let go of me! Let go of me!

SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking]

NURSE MAUDLYN: I should’ve known! You three again! 

N: Hey! Put him down right now!

DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY It’s that horribooble Nurse Maudlyn! She ain’t supposed to be workin’ here at this hospoopital! Doctor Idnas stinkin’ assured us—

NM: Put a sock in it! All of you!

SFX: [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell] [Hospital Room Ambience]

NM: I will be right back after I administer injections to a couple of lucky patients across the hall. And don’t any of you so much as dare to blink, or I’ll make sure you’re sorrier than sorry!

G: Oh, yeah?

NM: Whaaat?

F: Nuthin’…he didn’t say nuthin’….

NM: He better learn to shut that big fat piehole of his, or I’ll have to show him how.

SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Door Open] [Male Scream 3] [Male Scream 6]

NM: Didn’t hurt me! Now, put a sock in it!

F: Listen to her, inflictin’ pain wherever she goes!

N: Yeah!

G: I’m signin’ myself outta here. I’m Grate Gizzy of this here lousy county. I can do that if I stinkin’ want.

SFX: [Door Slam] [Sneakers Squeaking] [Door Open] [Scream] [Door Slam] [Sneakers Squeaking]

NM: Sorry to disappoint you three, but I’m back.

G: Well, I, Diroctor Bizzig “Zig” Gneeecey, leader of this here county, am signin’ myself outta this here dump. I can rekooopooperate at home!

NM: You will do no such thing! You’re still blue!

G: The lousy umbrella I ate has dissolvicated, thanks to my very strong, superior canine-humanoid stomach acids which I can feel burnin’ up my tonsils right now! An’ I can be blue at home!

NM: And furthermore, X-rays show that although the umbrella you ingested has dissolved, there is a large acoustic guitar trapped inside your abdomen. You are very, very sick! 

G: That is simpooply impossibooble! Yeah, I ate a whole guitar, years ago back in my collagical days, when I was real nervous, y’know, crammin’ for my gasology exam, but that was years ago, on Planet Eccchs. I remember it was a twelve-string guitar. Was priddy tasty, too. But like I said, that was years ago when I was experiencin’ sophoophomoronic stress.

F: Yeah! An’ besides, the ER doctor said there was nuthin’ in there but that umbrella! 

NM: Don’t you dare contradict me! I’ll say it again, Diroctor Gneeecey. You are very, very sick! 

G: Nah—yooou stinkin’ are!

F: The other nurse said since the umbrella is dissolved an’ he’s a little less blue, maybe he could be discharged to recover at home if he can, y’know, produce a urine sample!

NM: Noooo!

G: So, stop wit’holdin’ liquids from me!

NM: Noooo!

G: So then, how da ya expect me to pee? 

N, F, & G [in unison]: Hey! Whaddaya think you’re doing? Stop!

NM: I’m an expert at using restraints on uncooperative patients like you! These things have never failed me yet!

N: Hey! You can’t do this! Stop!

G: Stop!

F: Stop!

G: Do you know who I aaam? I demaaand to be untied! I am gonna stinkin’ report ya to the head of this county—an’ that’s meee!

NM: Oh, I am so scared. Not!

SFX: [Door Slam]

F: Holy Saint Bogelthorpe!

G: Okay, Fleaglossitty, you’re a superhero. Break outta them lousy restraints an’ then stinkin’ come untie us! Ig ain’t taken no claaasses yet at the superhero academy, so sheee ain’t of no use here.

F: Ugh…ooof! Ow…ugh…ooof! Ain’t no use, Zig…I’m tryin’ as hard as I can, Zig, but I jus’ can’t seem to break free…. An’ pardon the indelicacy, but this is bad ’cause my bladder’s full again—I gotta pee!

G: I notice ya been havin’ that probooblem more an’ more, ain’cha, Fleaglossitty. Along wit’ your legendary clumsiness.

F: Yeah. I guess….

G: Well, ya can’t make fun of me for havin’ yellow sneaker laces no more, can ya?

NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: Note from the narrator here. Flea’s, uh, problem in Episode 92, “A Deadly Leak: Van Pooop Lane Chronicles, Pt. 3,” nearly got himself and Nicki killed….

SFX: [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell] [Hospital Room Ambience]

NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: Meanwhile, right outside the door, there’s a rather loud telephone conversation happening….

SFX: [Phone] [Phone Ringing]

NM: Hello, Gongilafromba?

DOCTOR GONGILAFROMBA FROMBILAGONGA: Who ees dis? I do not recognize dis number, but I am expecting a call regarding some cryptocurrency. And vhy are you addressing me vit’ such forbidden familiarity?

NM: Why, it’s me! Nurse Maudlyn!

DG: Dat ees impossible. Vhy, Nurse Maudlyn ees standing right next to me here in dee second-floor nurses’ station at Florence Ferguson Memorial Hospital. 

NM1: I am, standing right next to him!

DF: Qviet! No vun reqvested any eenput from you. 

NM: Well, Gongilafromba—

DF: Dat ees Doctor Frombilagonga to you. And don’t you ever forget dat. Now, I vill ask again. Who are you, and vhat do you vant?

NM: I told you. This is Nurse Maudlyn. And I’m calling from Holy Krapp Hospital. And I need your help.

G: Listen! We can hear every word through the door!

F: She must have him on speakerphone!

N: Ssssh, guys! Let’s listen!

DF: Vait a minute here. Something ees vary feeeshy. I vant to know, and I am addressing dee Nurse Maudlyn standing next to me—

NM1: [Laughing flirtatiously]

DF: Qviet—until I ask you to answer my qvestion! Nurse Maudlyn, deed you create anodder double of yourself? Using dee Dimeosacion pharmaceutical dat vee have invented dat enables us to create doubles? Dat I decreed dat vee do not use on ourselves? I vant dee troot. Right now!

NM1: Well…. Yes, I did create another double of myself, you know, to make up for that other me that exploded back on my property—the other me that was brutally murdered back on my property by that dastardly canine-humanoid Gneeecey and his double! They repeatedly bit my other self and caused her to explode!

DF: I had expressly forbidden dat you create anodder double of yourself. Vee are saving dis vary expenseeve and rare pharmaceutical for profit. Vee already have people in dis community villing to pay a substantial amount for just vun dose of Dimeosacion. Vee are no longer vasting any of our precious supply on experimentation! Vee have already documented dee results!

NM1: I know…I know…but…but….

DF: But notting!

NM1: Did anyone ever tell you, you’re so adorable when you’re angry?

DF: Qviet, voman! You disgust me—both of you Nurse Maudlyns!

NM1: Well! And my other self over there, you could have had the decency to let me know that you took a position over at Holy Krapp Hospital! In the future, we absolutely must coordinate our activities and keep each other in the loop!

DF: Now I am addressing dee Nurse Maudlyn phoning me from Holy Krapp vhere I do not have any authority and furdermore vould not become eenvolved even eef I did—

NM: I have a patient here who I think will really interest you, Doctor Frombilagonga!

DF: Don’t interrupt me! Before you so rudely cut me off—

NM: Oh, I didn’t mean to—please, please forgive me—

DF: Dere you go again! You two Maudlyn’s never learn. Are you bot’ stooopeeed or someting? I vant to remind dee double phoning me from Holy Ktrapp dat as you are a Dimeosacion-induced double, you must stay avay from ammonia at all costs—or you vill explode! Vell, as I can barely tolerate vun Nurse Maudlyn, let alone two of you, perhaps you should go douse yourself een some ammonia. 

NM1 & NM [in unison]: Well!

DF: Have a nice day!

SFX: [Fail Horn] [Hospital Room Ambience]

NM: I refuse to take such emotional abuse from the man I love. Time to administer more injections on this floor!

SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Door Open] [Male Scream 3] [Male Scream 6] [Door Slam] [Sneakers Squeaking] [Door Open] [Scream] [Fail Horn] [Magic Spell] [Hospital Room Ambience]

G: That lousy Nurse Maudlyn did create another double of herself!

F: Y’know, that conversation them two Nurse Maudlyns an’ Doctor Frombilagonga had gave me an’ idea. Now, if only we could break outta these restraints!

N: What’s your idea, Flea?

F: Well, Nicki—

SFX: [Door Pounds]

G: Stinkin’ come in awready.

SFX: [Scary Ambience]

REDHEADED BROKEN-NOSED MARK: Heya, guys, it’s me, Dorothy, y’know, from the Perswayssick Girls Club…wow, looks like youse guys are kinda tied up…heh, heh….

F: Heya Dorothy, can ya do us a real favor here? Can ya please untie us? Ya can start wit’ me. I really, uh, need the bathroom. Pleeeeease!

M: Us guys from da Perswayssick Girls Club. Y’know, we’re always tryin’ to do junk to, y’know, help da community. An’ since yous ain’t paid up for dem eat-now-pay-later Freak O’Nature snacks I sold youse, I can’t really help youse. Besides, we wouldn’t wanna interfere wit’ hospital rules. But I brung ya deese here flowers. Get well soon, heh, heh! Guh-bye!

SFX: [Door Slam] Hospital Room Ambience]

F: Them flowers look familiar.

N: Yeah, Flea, they sure do. I think I remember them from—

G: Ah, hah, haah, fiduciary! SFX: [Clinking Coins] Ah, hah, haah, fiduciary! SFX: [Clinking Coins] Ah, hah, haah, fiduciary! SFX: [Clinking Coins]

N: Uh-oh—Diroctor Gneeecey’s sneezing out dimes all over the place! I think he’s allergic to these, uh, weeds! 

F: I think I am, too! Ah, hah, hah, hatchoo! SFX: [Snap Rubber] Ah, hah, hah, hatchoo! SFX: [Snap Rubber] Looky! All my sneezin’ busted me outta these restraints! Pardon the indelicacy here, but lemme use this urinal over here, an’ then I’ll free youse two! : Ah, hah, hah, hatchoo! I’ll turn my back to youse.

G: Ah, hah, haah, fiduciary! SFX: [Clinking Coins] Ah, hah, haah, fiduciary! SFX: [Clinking Coins] Ah, hah, haah, fiduciary! SFX: [Clinking Coins]

F: Here ya go, Nicki. SFX: [Snap Rubber] Here ya go, Zig. SFX: [Snap Rubber]

N & G [in unison]: Thanks!

SFX: [Door Open] [Sneakers Squeaking]

NM: What in Bogelthorpe’s name is going on in here? Where did you get those flowers? I demand answers right now!

F: Uh, Nurse Maudlyn, ya said all Zig hadda do was produce a urine sample, an’ he could be discharged! Got a full urinal for ya right here—

N: Flea—watch out—you’re gonna—

G: Fleaglossitty—you’re trippin’ right over your own clumsy big feet—

SFX: [Splash Water] [TwistPopScrunchBalloon]

NM: Help! Help!

SFX: [Explosion]

N, F & G [in unison]: We’re outta here!

SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Rock Logo] [Magic Spell]

We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com.  

And thank you for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to tell a friend! And keep on laughing! 

Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###