Transcript / Lit – Episode 96, written by Vicki Solá.
All content © 2023 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.
Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki, and the gang….
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Sharp Eerie Logo]
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: In last week’s episode “What Horrors Lurk” ….
DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY: Bad night, Fleaglossitty. Bad night, Ig.
NICKI RODRIGUEZ & “FLEA” FLEAGLOSSITTY FLOPPINSPLODGE, AKA “SOOPERFLEA” [in unison]: Bad night.
SFX: [Toy Piano Rockabye] [Cartoon Snoring]
G: Yaaaaaaaaaah! Who turned on all the lights in here?
F: Nobody, Zig—nobody turned on no lights—holy Saint Bogelthorpe!
N: It’s you, Diroctor Gneeecey—lighting up this entire room! Your whole body—you’re all lit up—neon blue!
SFX: [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell] [Sharp Eerie Logo]
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: And so, stranded Earthling Nicki Rodriguez and her two canine-humanoid companions Perswayssick County bigshot Diroctor Bizzig “Zig” Gneeecey and his pal Flea “Fleaglossitty Floppinsplodge, also known as “Sooperflea,” are, well, understandably kind of freaked out….
F: Well, Zig, knowin’ how much ya love money, at least you’ll save on your electric bill. But only in rooms that light up.
G: Always lookin’ on the bright side, ain’cha, Fleaglossitty?
F: Yeah, Zig. You light up our lives.
G: Ain’t funny! I got me a huge probooblem! My whole lousy body is lit up blue! I’m a freak!
F: An’ I must say, you’re gettin’ bluer an’ brighter by the second!
G: Yooou an’ the Ig—
N: That would be Nicki—
G: That’s what I stinkin’ said! You an’ the Ig, youse guys did this to me! Youse two musta had somethin’ to do wit’ this!
N & F [in unison]: We did not!
G: A person—I mean, a superior canine-humanoid individual like meee, don’t all of a stinkin’ sudden light up blue—or any lousy color—in the middle of the night—
F: An’ wake everyone else up!
N: Yeah!
G: Oh, youse two are the ones that are incornvenienced? Y’know, Ig, that junk they’re teachin’ ya in that Superhero Academy—
N: Name’s Nicki, and I haven’t started classes yet—
G: That junk they’re teachin’ ya, I’m payin’ for—
N: You haven’t paid yet, so I haven’t been able to start classes yet—
G: Stop interrupticatin’ me! These classes like Makin’ Things Disappear an’ Reappear, 101, Turnin’ Some Things But Not Other Things Into Other Things, Part One, an’ Blockin’ Others From Knowin’ What You’re Thinkin’ At All Times, I think you’ve learned to do some weird magic, an’ you’ve used it on meee! I know you’re proboobably maaad at me for junk I done to ya in the past, but I nebberd-kinnezzard—an’ that means extra-never on my Planet Eccchs—did nuthin’ to deservicate this!
N: Doctor Gneeecey—
G: That’s Diroctor Gneeecey—how many times do I gotta tell ya, I’m director of this here Perswayssick County an’ I’m a dopey doctor?
N: Okay. Okay…sorry…. Diroctor Gneeecey, I would never do anything like this to you, even if I knew how. Now, we need to get you to the hospital.
F: That’s right, Zig. We gotta take ya to the emergency room. Right away. I’ll drive.
N: Yeah, Flea! Let’s go!
G: Jus’ a stinkin’ minute there. I certaintaneously ain’t goin’ to no hospoopital!
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking]
F: Zig! You come back here right now!
G: Nooooooo! Yaaaaaah!
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [BodyFallHuman] [Fabric Rip] [Cuckoo Clock] [Sneakers Squeaking]
F: I think he fell down the stairs—guess his light ain’t that good! Zig! Are you awright?
G: Does it look like I’m stinkin’ awright? I busted ’em! They’re busted!
N: You broke your legs?
G: Noooo! I busted my paaaants! My good trousers!
F: You sleep in your trousers?
N: Uh, Flea, let’s just get him into the Grate Room and try to calm him down.
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking]
F: C’mon, Zig. Siddown here on the couch.
G: I awready told youse, I ain’t goin’ to no hospoopital! Ain’t goin’ back to that Florence Ferguson Memorial Hospital wit’ them horribooble people—that iggleheimer Doctor Frombilagonga an’ that rotten Nurse Maudlyn! They wanna poison us again! They wanna inject us wit’ that dopey an’ dangerousical medication Dimeosacion that made our doubles appear an’ attack us! Almost got us seriously kilt, remember? Remember? Remember?
F: Calm down, Zig! Take a deep breath!
G: Noooo! Noooo! Noooo! Noooo! Noooo! Noooo!
N: Flea, maybe some of that music he loves—y’know, that recording you both made where you play the piano and he plays violin—that might help calm him down.
F: It’s worth a try, Nicki. Zig—stop eatin’ a hole in the couch!
G: Nooooo!
F: You’re revertin’ back to doglike behavior! You an’ I are proud canine-humanoids, yes, descended from dogs back on our Planet Eccchs, like dogs descended from wolves. But weee have evolved into proud, upright-walking, productive citizens and distinguished individuals! Tryin’ to live our best lives while we’re stranded here in the dimension of Perswayssick County! Look at you! You’re our county leader! Leadin’ humans an’ canine-humanoids alike here! You’re Quality of Life Commissioner an’ Grate Gizzygalumpaggis of our county!
G: That’s Grate Gizzy! How many times do I gotta tell ya, we’re tryin’ to conservate vowels an’ consonants!
F: Okay, okay. Now, stop actin’ like a regular dog! Stop that!
G: Stop whaaat, Fleaglossitty?
F: Stop scootin’ your bimbus across the carpet like a regular dog!
G: I caaan’t! I can’t! I gotta worry ’bout the election where the Ig here—
N: Uh, that’s Nicki—
G: The Ig here will be runnin’ for Grate Gizzy in my place since they added that stooopoid amendment sayin’ I couldn’t run for another lousy consekookutive term!
F: We know, Zig, we know. But calm down! This behavior ain’t gonna help nuthin’!
G: An’ I gotta make sure the Ig wins so’s I can control everything behind the scenes! The election is almost here! It’s in a fartnight!
F: A fortnight.
G: That’s what I stinkin’ said! Are your dopey droopy ears’ hearin’ abilities gone, along wit’ all your other superhero powers?
F: No need to get personal, Zig. I’m quite aware of my present deficiencies.
N: Uh, Flea, let’s try putting that music on for him.
F: I’ll do that right now, Nicki.
SFX: [Metal Click 4] [Plight of the Goonafish]
G: Aaah! What priddy music! Ain’t that the recordin’ meee an’ yooou made, Fleaglossitty?
F: Yeah, Zig. Our recordin’ of Planet Eccchs composer Zirbert Shriekensobb’s “Plight of the Goonafish.” Radio stations are beginnin’ to pick it up.
G: Oh, them poor two-tailed, no-headed mutant luminous blue goonafish. Ain’t got no unsightly heads, so they can’t think. So then we fish ’em outta the Perswayssick River an’ eat ’em. Aaah, what beaudiful music!
SFX: [Door Bell Ring] [Door Pound]
G: Now, stinkin’ whaaat?
N: Who could be at our door at this hour? It’s the middle of the night. It’s still dark.
F: Not in here.
G: Shaaadup!
SFX: [Door Bell Ring] [Door Pound]
F: Ain’t openin’ the door, but I’ll go find out who it is.
G: Yeah. Way too dangerousical to open the door.
SFX: [Door Bell Ring] [Door Pound]
F: Awright! Awright. Talk to me through the door—ain’t openin’ it! Who’s there?
SFX: [Scary Ambience]
REDHEADED BROKEN-NOSED MARK: It’s me again—y’know, Dorothy from the Perswayssick Girls’ Club.
F: Ain’t it kinda early to be comin’ ’round? It’s the middle of the night!
M: Us girls’ club guys, we believe in gettin’ a early start. Y’know, the early girl eats them worms? We sell those snacks too.
F: Well, uh, Dorothy, what can we do for ya then? Why are ya here?
M: Remember, earlier yesterday, that little white-an-black guy bought them Freak O’Nature snacks from me? Them Slug Nuts, Rindom Doodles, Slogfloths, an’ Rotzels I sold youse cheap? Y’know, every purchase helps our club, y’know, wit’ them activities we do, y’know, to help dis here community? Remember I said, youse could eat now an’ pay later?
F: Yeah, uh, Dorothy. But like I said, it’s the middle of the night now.
M: Well, it’s payin’-up time, an’ I figured it would be easier for youse to pay up now before youse get busy wit’ your day, heh, heh…. An’ I got this blue light special jus’ for one hour here on these cross-eyed cheese-coated Rotzels before they go bad, an’—
F: We don’t need no more blue light here. Come back later, an’ we’ll pay ya. We promise.
M: Okay. But’cha better pay up. Jus’ remember, my organization here don’t like it when youse don’t pay up. Guh-bye…for now…heh, heh….
SFX: [Plight of the Goonafish]
G: Who was it, Fleaglossitty?
F: Uh, Dorothy.
G: Guess she wants to be paid for them forty bags of delicious eat-now-pay-later Freak O’Nature snacks that I ate most of?
F: Yeah, Zig. The ones we warned ya not to eat. Dorothy jus’ indicate that pay later has come earlier.
SFX: [Gigantic Belch]
G: ’Scuze me, heh, heh…. Can’t help it, Fleaglossitty. I’ve always been partial to the ladies.
F: Y’know, Zig, I don’t think Dorothy is really who she says she is. I don’t think she’s even a girl.
G: Well, Fleaglossitty, like I said, your superhero ESP has been defective lately, jus’ like the rest of your dopey powers.
F: I told ya not to get personal.
G: Maybe yooou should take some brush-up courses at your lousy ol’ Superhero Academy along wit’ the Ig here!
F: Come over here an’ say that!
G: I aaam over here!
N: Guys! Guys! Please!
SFX: [Slip] [Slip and Fall] {Duck Horn]
G: Ya jus’ made me fall on my bimbus!
F: Did not! Yooou lunged at meee, an’ ya fell backward—instant karma!
N: Guys! Guys! C’mon. Now, we have to take Diroctor Gneeecey here to the hospital. He’s lighting up bluer and brighter by the second!
G: Awready told youse, I ain’t goin’ to no lousy Florence Ferguson Memorial Hospoopital!
F: Lemme call Doctor Idnas an’ see what she advises.
SFX: [Phone] [Phone Ringing]
DOCTOR ALEXANDRA C. IDNAS: Hallo. Doctor Idnas speaking. Flea! Eees everyting all right?
F: No, Doctor Idnas. Our “Zig” Gneeecey ate some tainted Freak O’Nature snacks that some weird girl was sellin’ door-to-door—forty bags—
DI: Slow down, Flea, please. Dere ees a lot to unpack here.
F: Sorry, Doctor Idnas. So, Zig ate ’em all even though Nicki advised him not to—
DI: So, he has a belly ache?
F: Worse than that! In the middle of the night—
DI: Vhich eet still ees, but I answered because you, Nicki, and “Zig” Gneeecey are special to me—
F: Thanks. Anyways, Zig’s whole body’s lit up blue—neon blue! We want to take him to the ER, but he’s refusing to go!
G: Ain’t goin’! Ain’t goin’!
DI: Vell, dat ees totally understandable after dee experience he had at Florence Ferguson Memorial vit dose horrible people—Doctor Frombilagonga and Nurse Maudlyn. And also dee experience all of you just had vit dose two.
F: Zig! Stop chewing up and down your arm like that! Doctor Idnas, he’s reverting to doglike behavior!
DI: Oh, dear! You know, dere ees another hospital een Persvayssick County, not dat far avay. Eeet’s over een Plackettsville. Holy Krapp Hospital.
F: Oh yeah. I think I flew over it once or twice. It’s on Quackagoo Road.
DI: Yah, Flea. Take him dere. Eet vill be better. I don’t tink you vill see Nurse Maudlyn over dere—not unless she’s created anodder double of herself!
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Pouring Rain with a Thunderstorm]
F: Well, Zig, I’m glad ya agreed to go to Holy Krapp’s ER. An’ I’m glad I was able to call ahead so that medical personnel could meet us discreetly at the back entrance.
G: Hurry! This stinkin’ paper bag I insisted on wearin’ so no one can’t see me is meltin’ in the rain.
N: Well, while Flea was on the phone with Doctor Idnas, you chewed up every single umbrella in the house, and you even ate an umbrella.
G: An’ now my stomach hurts too—bumbershoot poisonin’ most likely. I got medical degrees, an’ I know a lot about all this junk. An’ all this rainwater fallin’ ontoppa me while I’m all lit up blue is proboobably priddy dangerousical. Y’know, water an’ ’lectricity ain’t supposed to go together!
F: Never thunk of that, Zig! Get in the car, quick!
SFX: [Car Engine] [Magic Spell] [Ambulance Siren] [Police Siren] [Ambience Hospital]
DOCTOR: Well, sir, we’re gonna have to admit you for observation.
G: Oh, stinkin’ no! Shouldn’t have ate that lousy umbrella. Couldn’t help it, though. My nerves were bad. Real, real baaad.
D: Sir, the umbrella doesn’t seem to be the problem. X-rays indicate that your digestive enzymes have pretty much dissolved that. Also, we’re relieved that you don’t have a nasty skin condition.
G: Yeah. That turned out to be the lousy paper bag that melted all over me an’ stuck to my fur in the rain. It did look kinda gross.
D: We’re most concerned about this piercing neon blue light emanating from your entire body.
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Hospital Room Ambience]
G: I’m sure glad they’re lettin’ you an’ the Ig stay here wit’ me.
N: Uh, that would be Nicki.
G: Yeah, Ig.
F: An’ Doctor Idnas was right. This hospital is better than Florence Ferguson Memorial. More normal. And cleaner, too.
G: Yeah, Fleaglossitty. This Holy Krapp Hospoopital here ain’t all dilapoopidated, an’ the ventilization seems more better, too.
F: And the food certainly is tastier.
G: The food ’round here stinks so swell. Can’t wait till I can eat solid food again. That umbrella I ate musta totally dissolved, an’ now I’m starvin’! SFX: [Rumbling Stomach]
N: Well, the orderly said a nurse should be in here soon.
SFX: [Screams] [Door Slam] [Sneakers Squeaking] [Door Open] [Screams] [Door Slam] [Sneakers Squeaking]
N: What on Earth—uh, what in the universe is going on out there in the hall?
F: Lemme take a walk out into the corridor an’ have a look.
SFX: [Screams] [Door Slam] [Sneakers Squeaking] [Door Open] [Screams] [Door Slam] [Sneakers Squeaking]
F: Uh-oh! Let go of me! Let go of me!
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking]
NURSE MAUDLYN: I should’ve known! You three again!
N: Hey! Put him down right now!
G: It’s that horribooble Nurse Maudlyn! She ain’t supposed to be workin’ here at this hospoopital! Doctor Idnas stinkin’ assured us—
NM: Put a sock in it! All of you!
SFX: [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell]
We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com.
And thank you for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to tell a friend! And keep on laughing!
Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###
