Transcript / What Horrors Lurk – Episode 95, written by Vicki Solá.
All content © 2023 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.
Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki, and the gang….
SFX: [Magic Spell]
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: Last week’s episode, “Broken Dishes,” finds stranded Earthling Nicki Rodriguez and her canine-humanoid companions “Zig” Gneeecey and “Flea” Fleaglossitty Floppinsplodge, otherwise known as “Sooperflea” returning to what they hope will be some semblance of normalcy. Gneeecey informs Nicki and Flea that they will be living in his mansion for the foreseeable future, rent-free. He also demands that Flea enrolls Nicki in his old alma mater, the Perswayssick Superhero Academy. As he further details, he has plans for Nicki…
DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY: So, anyways, I found out that while we were away recently, y’know, stranded in them other dimensions, they passed a lousy amendment to our county constitution.
“FLEA” FLEAGLOSSITTY FLOPPINSPLODGE, AKA “SOOPERFLEA”: Who passed an amendment?
G: Vice Quality of Life Commissioner Jacob. J. Qwertyuiop, who was in charge when we wer3e gone, an’ them two twins, Verna Vlott an’ Vlotta Vern, an’ the rest of them sneaky, power-hungry polluticians.
NICKI RODRIGUEZ: And what does this new amendment change?
G: It says that a Grate Gizzy may not run for more than two consecutive terms! An’ I’ve awready served three stinkin’ consecutive terms.
N: So, this means—
G: This means, Ig, that yooou are gonna run for Grate Gizzy an’ win! An’ of course, yooou will always report to me ’cause I will actually still be runnin’ the county, behind the scenes, of course. Then, after your very successful term, I can run again. An’ by then, I can get rid of that lousy amendment. Election’s comin’ soon! I’ll help ya.
N: This is crazy—I can’t—
G: Ya wanna let this county get into the hands of all the baaad peopoople, Ig? May I remind ya ’bout them vicious Markmen an’ my hideous double from HyenaZitania, that Ebegneeezer Gesundheit Eeeeceygnay, an’ them evil clowns Three an’ his pal Sulak, the Demon Clown of Terlits? An’ now we got that lousy Doctor Frombilagonga, too, in cahoots wit’ them Markmen! Gimme an’ answer, Ig. Either ya will or ya won’t not!
N: I—I—
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: And so, the next day, to Gneeecey’s mansion we go….
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Sharp Eerie Scary Logo]
MALE VOICE: What horrors lurk in my world berserk….
SFX: [Screams] [Sharp Eerie Scary Logo]
G: Heh hah, heh haah, heh haaah!
SFX: [Screams]
N: Uh, Diroctor Gneeecey—
G: Whaaaaaaat? Ya jus’ interrupticated my program! My favorite show, “What Horrors Lurk”!
SFX: [Screams]
N: I’m—I’m sorry. I guess we can have that discussion you wanted to have about my future another time, then—
G: Nah, Ig. This program actually gave me a few ideas for your future.
SFX: [Scream]
N: Uh, the name is Nicki, and why don’t you go back to watching your show, then?
G: Noooo, Ig! Ya interrupticated me, so now I gotta watch it from the very beginnin’ later when it comes on again! SFX: [Metal Click 4] So, let’s stinkin’ go ahead an’ disgust whatever we gotta disgust right now! Did ya start auditin’ them classes at the Perswayssick Superhero Academy like I want ya to? Are they teachin’ ya to drive two cars at once so ya can get twice as much done twice as fast? Are they teachin’ ya how to use your powers propooperly? How many hours do ya gotta be in class every week?
N: Well, it’s like this—
G: Like whaaat? Spit it out, Ig, spit it out!
N: Well, stop interrupting me so I can freakin’ tell ya!
G: I’m interrupticatin’? Yooou interrupticated my program!
SFX: [DoorLockUnlock] [Door Open] [Squeaking Sneakers]
F: Hi, guys.
G: An’ now, Fleaglossitty’s interrupticatin’ me!
F: Nice to see you, too, Zig. I could leave if that would suit ya better.
G: Stop wit’ your snarkasm, Fleaglossitty. An’ besides, ya can’t leave. You’re my bodyguard. Remember? Your new job is to protect me from all the bad guys that are out to get me.
F: Yeah, yeah, yeah…. Any word from them structural engineers on when it’s safe for me to return to my very peaceful apartment on Veggie Burger Avenue, where I don’t have nobody to stress me out?
G: Nope, an’ if there was, I certaintaneously wouldn’t tell ya. It’s still a ongoin’ situational situation wit’ situational requirements.
F: Huh?
G: Ya wanna stinkin’ wake up wearin’ a ceiling necklace an’ wit’ a hat made of bricks ontoppa your dopey noggin? Even poppin’ your lousy Murphy bed in an’ outta your wall could be dangerousical—y’know, ’cause your whole buildin’ to collapsicate. An’ besides, like I awready told ya, you’re my bodyguard. I need ya here for the forstinkable future.
F: Whatever, Zig….
G: Well, don’t say it like thaaat, so oogdimonious, Fleaglossitty. Now, I was tryin’ to find out ’bout the Ig’s schedule at your Superhero Academy so’s I can adjust her work schedule at my GAS Broadcastin’ Network an’ get her ready to campaign for Grate Gizzy ’cause the election is very soon. She aboobsolutely gotta win it so I can still control this county, y’know, behind the scenery, till I can run again.
F: Uh, that’s another thing, Zig….
G: Whaaat? Didn’t ya get her enrolled so she can audit classes like I demaaanded? Spit it out, Fleaglossitty, spit it out! Why’re ya hangin’ your dopey canine-humanoid head like that?
F: Well…turns out ya can no longer audit classes. Nicki’s application’s been accepted, but she gotta actually enroll as a matriculatin’ student. An’ pay tuition….
N: Which brings me to what I wanted to discuss with you, Diroctor Gneeecey. On what you pay me, even with that tiny raise you gave me—
G: Don’t brush a gift horse’s teeth, Ig—
N: That’s Nicki. And, if you want me to attend these classes, you’re gonna have to pay my tuition. And pay my expenses, like for textbooks and supplies.
SFX: [Barbecue Sizzle] [Fire Alarm]
N: Look—smoke’s pouring out of his ears! Real smoke!
F: An’ it’s jus’ set off the fire alarm! Quick—lemme go get some water!
SFX: [Squeaking Sneakers] [Splash Water 4]
G: What in stinkin’ Bogelthorpe’s lousy name did ya do thaaat for, ya Iggleheimer? Ya jus’ dumped a whole lousy bucket of water on my dopey noodle! How daaare yooou?
F: I hadda, Zig. Real smoke was pourin’ outta your ears!
G: Now there’s water all over my beaudiful floor, an’ I’m all wet! Gotta go get me a lousy towel!
SFX: [Squeaking Sneakers] [Slip] [Slip and Fall] {Duck Horn]
G: An’ ya jus’ made me fall on my bimbus!
SFX: [Door Bell Ring] [Door Pound]
G: Now, stinkin’ whaaat? Yooou go answer the door, Fleaglossitty. Proboobably too dangerousical for me to. Ya never know who it might be, y’know, out to get me.
SFX: [Door Bell Ring] [Door Pound]
G: Well, take your time an’ hurry up, why don’cha then, Fleaglossitty?
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking]
F: Awright, Zig. Awright….
SFX: [Door Bell Ring] [Door Pound] [Door Open] [Scary Ambience]
G: Well, who is it, Fleaglossitty?
F: It looks like a girl. A very tall one.
REDHEADED BROKEN-NOSED MARK: Hi there! My name is Dorothy, an’ I’m a member of the Perswayssick Girls’ Club, an’ we’re sellin’ these here Freak O’Nature Snacks, real cheap!
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Car Brakes]
G: You’re sellin’ Freak O’Nature Snacks? Cheap?
F: Zig, I’ll handle this.
G: It’s my house, Fleaglossitty. Outta my way. So, what did ya say your name is, young lady?
M: Dorothy. An’ I’m sellin’ Slug Nuts, Rindom Doodles, Slogfloths, an’ Rotzels, door-to-door. Every purchase helps our club, y’know, wit’ our activities to help dis here community. An’ also to buy more of these here priddy dresses like dis one I’m wearin’.
G: Those pink polkookadots are very priddy!
M: Tanks. Ya can eat now an’ pay later.
F: Zig—I don’t think—
G: Ya never do. Now, shaaadup, Fleaglossitty. Okay, Dorothy. I’ll take ten bags of each. I aboobsolutely love Slug Nuts, Rindom Doodles, Slogfloths, an’ Rotzels! I’m so hungry, my stomach’s rumblin’! SFX: [Rumbling in Stomach]
M: Here, Doc. Enjoy!
G: Thanks, Dorothy!
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Dog Eating]
F: Zig, I’ll repeat, she did not look like a girl to me. An’ her voice was really low. An’ she had a five o’clock shadow. There’s somethin’ real fishy goin’ on here.
N: Yeah, Diroctor Gneeecey. I really wouldn’t eat those if I were you. They could be, y’know, tainted and—
G: Hold onto your skivvies, youse two. Ain’t nuthin’ wrong wit’ these here fine Freak O’Nature snacks. Even got the authentic three-headed hawk logo here on the package. I’m sure they ain’t poisoned or nuthin’. They taste fine. SFX: [Dog Eating] [Giant Burp] ’Scuze me, heh, heh….
SFX: [Cuckoo Clock]
G: Okay, youse two, now, let’s go into the kitchen an’ continue disgustin’ what we were disgustin’.
N: Okay, Diroctor Gneeecey. As Flea mentioned, you can no longer audit classes at the Perswayssick Superhero Academy.
G: I don’t wanna! I want yoooou to!
N: That’s not what I meant, Diroctor Gneeecey. I meant—
G: So, what do ya mean, Ig? Spit it out! Spit it out!
F: I got another bucket of water ready.
N: I mean that if you want me to attend these classes, you’re gonna have to pay my tuition. And my expenses, like for textbooks and supplies. I cannot afford it on what you pay me, even with that little raise you gave me. And the name is Nicki.
G: Fleaglossitty, do they got a financial aid office? Can they make an exception ’cause I’m Grate Gizzy? Can they give her a discount ’cause you’re a graduate? Can they let her work it off in their bookstore, maybe? Can they give her a loan an’ let her go into significant student debt that will take her years to pay off?
F: Nope, nope, nope, nope, an’ nope.
G: Very stinkin’ well, then…guess I’ll hafta pay…. I really need the Ig to go an’ devlop them importootant skills ’cause they’ll enabooble her to do what I need her to do to help me….
N: Uh, here’s all the paperwork, then…. SFX: [Rustling Papers]
G: The tuition’s baaad enough, but do ya really need all this other junk? All these gigaaantical textbooks like ESP 101, Learnin’ to Use Your Powers Propooperly, Volume One, Maximizatin’ Concentration, Principoooples of Flyin’ for Beginners, Makin’ Things Disappear an’ Reappear, 101, Turnin’ Some Things But Not Other Things Into Other Things, Part One, an’ Learnin’ to Not Hear Certain Noises? An’ The Philosophoophy of Not Bein’ Scared of Anything? An’ Blockin’ Others From Knowin’ What You’re Thinkin’ At All Times?
N: Textbooks are expensive, Diroctor Gneeecey.
F: There’s a whole lot to learn, Zig.
G: I stinkin’ seeeee that! An’ she needs all these overpriced materials? A red satin flyin’ cape? Special frequency earbuds? Telescopoopic binokookular eye glaaasses? Never seen ya wearin’ them, Fleaglossitty.
F: Busted ’em a long time ago. Can’t afford to replace ’em….
G: An’ it also says the Ig needs confidence boostin’ advanced power jumpin’ sneakers? Two pairs?
F: I’m surprised ya don’t got more smoke comin’ out your ears, Zig.
G: Them Freak O’Nature snacks musta calmed me down or somethin’….
SFX: [Cuckoo Clock] [Rustling Papers] [Blow on the Table]
G: I gotta stinkin’ sleep on all this an’ weigh the lousy pros against the cons… Let’s jus’ go upstairs to bed. An’ remember, we’re all sleepin’ up in my room for my protection.
SFX: [Magic Spell]
G: Bad night, Fleaglossitty. Bad night, Ig.
N & F [in unison]: Bad night.
SFX: [Toy Piano Rockabye] [Cartoon Snoring]
G: Yaaaaaaaaaah! Who turned on all the lights in here?
F: Nobody, Zig—nobody turned on no lights—holy Saint Bogelthorpe!
N: It’s you, Diroctor Gneeecey—lighting up this entire room! Your whole body—you’re all lit up—neon blue!
SFX: [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell]
We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com.
And thank you for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to tell a friend! And keep on laughing!
Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###