“A Deadly Leak: Van Pooop Lane Chronicles, Pt. 3” – Episode 92
It’s a three-ring circus. Nicki and her canine-humanoid companion “Sooperflea” find themselves trapped in a strange laboratory several levels beneath Nurse Maudlyn’s manure-filled garden shed…where a simple action on Flea’s part leads to disaster.
Meanwhile, Gneeecey’s neurologist, Doctor Alexandra C. Idnas, and his therapist Ingabore Scriblig, AKA “Grandma,” are losing their minds as they attempt to cope with the two Gneeeceys smashing objects and each other in their office. Nicki and Sooperflea have not returned to pick up the incessantly fighting canine-humanoids. They’ve been missing for hours and not answering their phones, so the alarmed doctor and therapist have called the police.
And back at Florence Ferguson Memorial Hospital, the evil nurse’s heartthrob, roguish Doctor Frombilagonga, informs her that her lab has been compromised. His offhand manner causes her to take her frustrations out on patients before her shift ends. True to her word, she’s in a much worse mood after twelve hours on the job.
We thank Sam Leviatin for producing Zirbert Shriekensobb’s “Plight of the Goonafish,” which Dr. Idnas and Grandma had hoped would calm the two Gneeeceys. And we thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sandi Solá, Sal Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean and Sammie for being generous supporting members via BuyMeACoffee.com! We appreciate their sponsorship and support more than words can say!
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It's a one-woman show! Vicki does all the writing, character voices, and audio production!
Transcript / A Deadly Leak: Van Pooop Lane Chronicles, Pt. 3 – Episode 92, written by Vicki Solá.
All content © 2023 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.
Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki, and the gang….
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Laboratory Bubbles]
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: In our previous episode, “Hell’s Basement Has a Basement: Van Pooop Lane Chronicles, Part Two,” Nicki and her canine-humanoid companion “Sooperflea” find themselves trapped in a strange, percolating laboratory several levels beneath Nurse Maudlyn’s manure-filled garden shed.
SFX: [Passing Swoosh Exploding] [Super Power Fly By] [Supersonic Aerodynamic Whoosh]
N: Help! Help! Ow!
F: Help! Help!
N: We’re goin’ down another level!
F: Mayday! Mayday!
SFX: [Explosion]
F: Another basement!
SFX: [Laboratory Bubbles]
N: Hell’s basement has a basement!
N: And, we’re trapped—in some kind of laboratory!
SFX: [Terror Tension]
Meanwhile, Gneeecey’s neurologist, Doctor Alexandra C. Idnas, and his therapist Ingabore Scriblig, also known as “Grandma,” are losing their minds as they attempt to cope with the two “Zig” Gneeeceys smashing objects and each other in their office. It’s been hours since the usually reliable Nicki and Sooperflea were due to pick up the incessantly fighting canine-humanoids. And a couple of hours since Doctor Idnas had reached out to the police, worried about Nicki and Flea. SFX: [Two “ZIG” Gneeeceys fighting] [Hospital Room Ambience]
Back at Florence Ferguson Memorial Hospital, evil Nurse Maudlyn’s heartthrob, the roguish cryptocurrency-loving Doctor Frombilagonga’s offhand manner has angered her—especially after she gifted him with her precious homegrown dimeosacia herbs that they’re both processing to create a certain rare medication—one that’s proving very useful to them both.
SFX: NM: Why, hello, Doctor Frombilagona. How are we today?
DF: Vee are very busy, as you see. Don’t you have patients to attend to in ICU and ER?
NM: Why yes, but I’ve brought you something very special! I’ve brought you a giant basket of pharmaceutical gold.
DF: Oh, really?
NM: Yes! A large basket of my home-grown dimeosacia herbs so that we can replenish our very useful supply of dimeosacion.
DF: Tank you, Nurse Maudlyn.
NM: You can call me Maudlyn!
DF: Okay. Tank you, Nurse Maudlyn.
NM: Perhaps we could have dinner in the cafeteria later, Gongilafromba.
DF: Dat ees Doctor Frombilagonga to you, Nurse Maudlyn. Familiarity breeds contempt.
NM [mutters]: I was hoping contempt might breed familiarity.
DF: Vhat?
NM: Nothing, Doctor Frombilagonga.
DF: I am vary busy—I have much important vurk to do.
NM: Let me go down to ER now.
DF: Please be on your vay. Can you not see I am extremely preoccupied? And perhaps in dee future, you vill have better luck vit administering dat homecare to Diroctor Gneeecey.
NM: I did try! And I managed to steal his—
DF: Vell, try again, harder. And close dee door on your vay out.
SFX: [Door Slam] [Hospital Ambience]
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: And so, let’s check in and see how it’s all going….
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Ambience Hospital]
DOCTOR GONGILAFROMBA FROMBILAGONGA: Nurse Maudlyn, may I see you for a moment?
NURSE MAUDLYN: Oh, why, of course, Doctor Frombilagonga!
DG: Please, privately. Een my office here.
NM: Why, yes, certainly!
SFX: [Door Open]
NM: Aren’t you going to close the door?
DF: No. I have asked you here to inform you dat I have received an alert dat your “secure” laboratory has been compromised.
NM: You mean, our laboratory!
DF: Your laboratory. Somevun has gained entry, but luckily dey are unable to leave, tanks to dee multi-level safeguards een place.
NM: We’d better get down there!
DF: No, you’d better get down dere. But as you are nearing dee end of your shift, you vill complete eet and den investigate. Dee intruder or intruders cannot escape. Be on your vay, please—and be more careful next time.
SFX: [Door Slam] [Hospital Room Ambience]
NM: To think…I could’ve taken that supervisory position at Holy Krapp Hospital for more pay, but I stayed here in this lousy hospital for him.
SFX: [Door Open] [Sneakers Squeaking]
NM: Okay, patients! Time for your injections!
SFX: [Male Scream 3] [Male Scream 4]
NM: Didn’t hurt me! Now, put a sock in it. All of you! And you over there, ya can’t hide from me! Get over here! Now!
SFX: [Male Scream 1] [Male Scream 2]
NM: I said, put a sock in it! One more pain-in-the-bimbus patient, and I’m outta here!
SFX: [Door Slam] [Sneakers Squeaking] [Door Open] [Scream] [Door Slam]
NM: And wait till I get ahold of that other me. Incompetent idiot—letting someone compromise our lab! Good thing one of us has brains!
SFX: [Fail Horn] [Magic Spell] [Laboratory Bubbles]
FLEAGLOSSITTY “FLEA” FLOPPINSPLODGE, AKA “SOOPERFLEA”: Yep, Nicki, we sure are trapped in some weird laboratory! I wish it was a lavatory instead. I really gotta go. Don’t see no men’s rooms here!
NICKI RODRIGUEZ: We gotta get outta here!
F: I’ll try an’ hold it. Maybe it’ll help to talk ’bout other stuff…. I was thinkin’, wasn’t it weird when we first got here, how that rotten Nurse Maudlyn was on the phone talkin’, an’ she said, “Hello, my other me”?
N: Yeah. I remember that. Like there are two of her or something. And I remember her mentioning something about bringing home more of some stuff so they could keep working together.
F: This all confirms what Doctor Idnas an’ I are thinkin’.
N: Please share, Flea.
F: I guess Doctor Idnas wouldn’t mind. She and I are both thinkin’ that the medicine Doctor Frombilagonga prescribed you, me, an’ Zig during our horrible stay at Florence Ferguson Memorial—an’, y’know, administered by Nurse Maudlyn—we think that med caused our doubles, our shadow selves, to manifest physically.
N: Wow…. Dimeosacion was the name of that med…. And remember when Nurse Maudlyn was chasing Gneeecey down the corridor with that hypodermic filled with dimeosacion, and she ended up falling on her own needle and injecting herself?
F: Yupperooney! Right in the bimbus! Explains a lot, don’t it?
N: Yeah. I believe we’re trapped in a lab that processes these weird yellow weeds into dimeosacion. Nurse Maudlyn and that creepy Frombilagonga must be working together….
F: An’ we’re gonna be in some serious trouble when they find us here!
SFX: [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell] [Two “Zig” Gneeeceys Fighting]
INGABORE SCRIBLIG, AKA “GRANDMA”: Stop eet! Stop eet, you two! Immediately! You vill have to pay for all dee damage you are creating in dis office!
SFX: [Two “Zig” Gneeeceys Fighting] [Glass Shatter]
DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY & DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY 2 [in unison]: You’re payin’ for it! No, you’re payin’ for it! No, yooou are! No, yooou are!
IS: Oh, dear me….
DOCTOR ALEXANDRA C. IDNAS: Ingabore, maybe their favorite music, you know, Zirbert Shriekensobb’s “Plight of the Goonafish” vill calm dem down. I have a recording of that right here.
IS: Eeet’s vurt a try….
SFX: [Plight of the Goonafish] [Two “Zig” Gneeeceys Fighting] [Glass Shatter] [Crash Metal] [Bang]
DI: Vell, eet vas vurt a try….
SFX: [Two “Zig” Gneeeceys Fighting] [Phone Ringing]
IS: Alexandra, ees dat dee phone? I can just about hear it over all dis fighting!
DI: Yah, Ingabore. I vill get eet. I’m hoping eet’s dee police calling back, vit some information. Hallo? Ah, Officer Imbroglio…yah, no, nothing’s wrong here…just a couple of noisy patients. Have you found out anyting yet about vhere Nicki and Sooperflea might be? Yah…. Really? Oh my goodness! Tank you so much! Please keep us posted and let me know eef vee can halp een any vay!
IS: Vhat did he say, Alexandra?
DI: He said dat dey spotted Nicki and Flea’s purple and orange ’75 Blimmbutt parked on dee corner of Mayhem Terrace and Van Pooop Lane. But no sign of dem! And dat dere has been some kind of break-in at Six Six Six Van Pooop Lane!
G & G2: [in unison]: Whaaat?
SFX: [Door Open] [Sneakers Squeaking]
DI: Diroctor Gneeecey—and Diroctor Gneeecey! You two come back here right now!
IS: Yah! Immediately!
G & G2: [in unison]: Noooooo!
SFX: [Door Slam]
DI: Sometimes eet ees hard to believe dat Gneeecey, and uh, Gneeecey, are dee leaders of dis Persvayssick County.
IS: No, eet’s not….
SFX: [Cartoon 1] [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell] [Laboratory Bubbles]
F: Oh, Nicki…. I’m sorry for the indelicacy, but my bladder is so full…I can’t jus’ hold it no more….
N: Flea, maybe there’s a place around here that you can, uh, discreetly find somewhere to relieve yourself.
F: Yep…I’m gonna go over there to one of them weird potted yellow plants…. I’m sorry, Nicki….
N: No apologies needed, Flea, ever. I wish I could give you more privacy. I’ll turn around and, y’know, face the other way.
F: Thanks, Nicki.
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Explosion]
N: Flea! Are you all right?
F: Uh…too soon to tell….
N: Flea!
F: I don’t know how I missed seein’ that sign over there that says. “Danger: Ammonia Strictly Prohibited”!
SFX: [Barbecue Sizzle] [Fire Alarm]
N & F: [Coughing]
N: It’s set off some kind of chemical reaction!
F: We gotta get outta here while we still can!
N: Over there—by that door that wouldn’t open—there’s a small screen and a panel with buttons!
F: If we can figure out what to punch in, we can get that door to open—while we can still breathe!
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking]
N: Okay. It wants us to type in a username.
F: Let’s try “Nurse Maudlyn”! SFX: [Electronic Cash Register] Bingo! Now it’s asking for a password…hmmm…lessee…I’m sure she’s in love wit’ that Doctor Frombilagonga…let’s put in his name! SFX: [Electronic Cash Register] Nope…oh, boy….
N: Try his first name. Gongilafromba—that’s G-O-N-G-I-L-A-F-R-O-M-B-A!
SFX: [Electronic Cash Register] [Electronic Button]
N & F: [in unison]: Bingo!
SFX: [Closing] [Metal Door Opening]
NM: Bingo! Gotcha!
SFX: [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell]
We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com.
And thank you for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to tell a friend! And keep on laughing!
Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###