“Hell’s Basement Has a Basement: Van Pooop Lane Chronicles, Pt. 2” – Episode 91
The evil Nurse Maudlyn catches earthling Nicki Rodriguez and her canine-humanoid companion “Sooperflea” Fleaglossitty Floppinsplodge hiding on her property, spying on her. Infuriated, she imprisons them in her garden shed and promises to deal with them later, when she warns she’ll be in an even worse mood after working her twelve-hour shift at Florence Ferguson Memorial.
Meanwhile, Gneeecey’s neurologist, Doctor Alexandra C. Idnas, and his therapist Ingabore Scriblig, AKA “Grandma,” struggle to retain their own sanity as they attempt to cope with two incessantly fighting Gneeeceys. Nicki and Sooperflea were supposed to return hours ago to pick up the battling canine-humanoids. But alas, they are not even answering their phones.
We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sandi Solá, Sal Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean and Sammie for being generous supporting members via BuyMeACoffee.com! We appreciate their sponsorship and support more than words can say!
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Transcript / Hell’s Basement Has a Basement: Van Pooop Lane Chronicles, Pt. 2 – Episode 91, written by Vicki Solá.
All content © 2023 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.
Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki, and the gang….
SFX: [Magic Spell]
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: In our previous episode, “Van Pooop Lane Chronicles” ….
SFX: [Car Engine] [Car Horns]
NICKI RODRIGUEZ: Flea, thank goodness, uh, thank Bogelthorpe, that Doctor Idnas suggested that you and I take a drive while she tries to have both Gneeeceys make peace with each other.
FLEAGLOSSITTY “FLEA’ FLOPPINSPLODGE, AKA “SOOPERFLEA”: I wish her good luck wit’ that.
N: Where are we going, Flea? I don’t think I’ve ever been to this part of town.
F: Doctor Idnas an’ I both think that nasty Nurse Maudlyn an’ that creepy Doctor Frombilagonga got somethin’ to do wit’ our shadow sides materializing. Well, guess what, Nicki?
N: What, Flea?
F: Through some amazin’ detective work, if I say so myself, I found out where Nurse Maudlyn lives!
N: You did?
F: Yeah. 666 Van Pooop Lane. An’ we’re jus’ about there! I’m gonna park up the block here. An’ speakin’ of shadows, we’ll walk in the shadows an’ hide in them hedges on the edge of her property. Lucky it’s gettin’ dark.
N: Are you sure we should even be doing this?
F: Yeah. Gotta get to the bottom of this. Now, let’s crouch down in these bushes here. There’s her house.
SFX: [Crunching Leaves]
N: Look over there. I see a yellow bicycle. Leaning against her wall there. Looks like its basket’s filled with some weird yellow vegetation.
F: Yeah. Mixed in wit’ some hand sanitizer. And I see some kinda jar there, too.
N: Look! She’s coming out of her house!
F: Walkin’ toward the bicycle! Can’t really picture her ridin’ one!
NURSE MAUDLYN: Hello? Nurse Maudlyn speaking. Oh, hello, my other me! Yes, I’m on my way to the hospital now. Perhaps if I take care of this, he’ll finally appreciate me and know how much I do care. And I’ll bring home some more of this stuff so you and I can keep working together!
N: Sounds like she’s talking to herself!
SFX: [Crunching Leaves]
NM: Wait—what’s that I hear in the bushes? Who’s there? Who’s there?
SFX: [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Crunching Leaves]
NM: Hold on a minute, my other me! SFX: [Crunching Leaves] Gotcha!
N & F [in unison]: Hey!
F: Put us down! Put us down!
N: Put us down!
NM: Spying on me, you two? Or perhaps planning to steal from my award-winning garden?
F: Let go of us! We can explain!
N: Where are you taking us?
F: She’s got hold of both of us like we’re jus’ a couple of grocery bags!
NM: Light ones, at that! Now, I am going to lock both of you up here in my fortified metal garden shed!
F: You’re quite a gardener, ain’cha?
NM: I am a horticulturist. Now, put a sock in it!
F: I told ya, we can explain!
NM: You can do all the explaining you want when I return from my twelve-hour shift at the hospital. I’ll be in an even worse mood, then!
SFX: [Metal Crash] [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell] [Bang]
SFX: [Metal Crash]
N: It smells really horrible—putrid—inside this shed!
F: It stinks, Nicki! Lemme unclip my superhero flashlight from my utility belt here so we can see.
SFX: [Metal Click 4]
F: Holy Saint Bogelthorpe! We’re—we’re surrounded by—by—
N: —by all these gigantic bags of manure!
F: Lemme try an’ call for help…. Oh, man, I ain’t gettin’ no signal on my phone here. Must be interference caused by this metal shed.
N: Lemme check my phone. Nope. I’m not getting a signal, either. This is definitely a dead zone.
F: We’re dead!
N & F [in unison]: Help! Help! SFX: [Metal Crash] [Bang] Help! Help!
SFX: [Metal Crash] [Bang] [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell] [Slow Circus Loop] [Glass Shatter] [Bang] [Fighting Gneeeceys]
DOCTOR ALEXANDRA C. IDNAS: Ingabore, our office ees now a tree-ringed circus!
INGABORE SCRIBLIG, AKA “GRANDMA”: Yah, Alexandra! Nicki and Flea have been gone for hours! Eeet’s dark now!
DI: Vee suggested dat dey take a little ride vhile you and I attempted to get deese two Gneeeceys to make peace vit each odder—
IS: Vhich, after all deese hours seems wery unlikely!
SFX: [Fighting Gneeeceys] [Glass Shatter]
IS: Stop eet, you two! Immediately!
DI: Vee asked Nicki and Flea to return here een an hour to pick Gneeecey—and Gneeecey—up. Dis ees vary unlike dem. Someting must be vary wrong!
IS: Yah! Wery wrong! Needer vun of dem are een answering deir mobile phones. Each time I ring eider phone, I get a message saying, “Dee person you have called ees not accepting calls at dis time.”
DI: My goodness…. Vee vill give dem a tiny beet longer, den I am going to notify dee police.
IS: Yah…. You know, I vouldn’t blame Nicki and Flea eef dey never came back…. Meanvhile….
SFX: [Slow Circus Loop] [Fighting Gneeeceys] [Slip x2] [Slip and Fall x2] [Duck Horn x2]
DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY & DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY 2 [in unison]: My bimbus!
SFX: [Glass Shatter] [Magic Spell] [Ambulance Sirens] [Hospital Ambience] [Ambience Hospital]
DOCTOR GONGILAFROMBA FROMBILAGONGA [whispering]: Yah, I vas hoping dat dee rumor I started, you know, dat Stummix Bank vas going belly-up, vould encourage more people to dump cash for cryptocurrency…
SFX: [Door Open]
DF: Vait…I am not alone. I vill call you back. Ahem….
NM: Why, hello, Doctor Frombilagona. How are we today?
DF: Vee are very busy, as you see. Don’t you have patients to attend to in ICU and ER?
NM: Why yes, but I’ve brought you something very special! I’ve brought you a giant basket of pharmaceutical gold!
DF: Oh, really?
NM: Yes! A large basket of my home-grown dimeosacia herbs so that we can replenish our very useful supply of dimeosacion.
DF: Tank you, Nurse Maudlyn.
NM: You can call me Maudlyn!
DF: Okay. Tank you, Nurse Maudlyn.
NM: Perhaps we could have dinner in the cafeteria later, Gongilafromba.
DF: Dat ees Doctor Frombilagonga to you, Nurse Maudlyn. Familiarity breeds contempt.
NM [mutters]: I was hoping contempt might breed familiarity.
NM: Nothing, Doctor Frombilagonga.
DF: I am vary busy—I have much important vurk to do.
NM: Let me go down to ER now.
DF: Please be on your vay. Can you not see I am extremely preoccupied? And perhaps in dee future, you vill have better luck vit administering dat homecare to Diroctor Gneeecey.
NM: I did try! And I managed to steal his—
DF: Vell, try again, harder. And close dee door on your vay out.
SFX: [Door Slam] [Hospital Ambience]
NM: To think, I sold my last name for that man, so I could buy and cultivate these rare, precious seeds for him, so he could process his own dimeosacion. And I process it for him too.
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Crickets]
F: I give up, Nicki. My fists are sore from poundin’ on these metal walls!
N: Mine too. And the stink of all this manure is too much to bear.
F: That rotten Nurse Maudlyn’s really into gardening, isn’t she?
N: Yeah. I noticed a lot of those yellow plants growing all over the place. The same ones she had in her bicycle basket.
F: I’m still tryin’ to picture her ridin’ that bike. An’ did ya see in the center of her garden, she had an old toilet servin’ as a planter?
N: Lovely centerpiece. Full of those weird yellow weeds or plants or whatever they are.
F: Gosh, Doctor Idnas and Grandma must be worried sick or real mad at us—probably both! We left ’em with them two fightin’ “Zig” Gneeeceys hours ago!
N: We’ve gotta do something…we can’t just sit here trapped, inhaling this stink and waiting for her to do who knows what to us when she returns. We’ve gotta do something!
F: But what, Nicki?
N: Flea, remember when we were confronted by our doubles—our shadow sides?
F: How could I forget?
N: Well, mine criticized me for forgetting that I have special powers.
F: Mine was kind of like that, too. But he ended up makin’ me more confident of my superpowers.
N: And Zinfandel told me to use my powers or lose them.
F: Hey, you still haven’t told me ’bout your meetin’ wit’ our Planet Eccchs leader—you promised me—
N: I will, Flea, I will. But we’ve gotta get out of this jam now.
F: A jam I take responsibility for…. We never should’ve come here….
N: That doesn’t matter now. All that matters is that we get out of here. I propose that you and I join forces and summon our powers simultaneously.
N: Let’s you and I close our eyes and take a moment to sort of meditate…y’know, muster up our powers. Let me know when you’re ready.
F: I wish I could close my nostrils, too.
N: Me too, Flea.
SFX: [Magic Glitter]
F: Okay. Ready.
N: Me too. On the count of three. One…two…three….
SFX: [Cartoon Superhero Vocal Fan Fare] [SciFi Laser] [Laser] [Passing Swoosh Exploding] [Super Power Fly By] [Supersonic Aerodynamic Whoosh]
N: Help! Help! Ow! We’re goin’ straight down!
F: Help! Help! Ow!
F: Looks like this garden shed has a basement!
N: Yeah! Hell has a basement! You all right?
F: No. I’m not.
SFX: [Passing Swoosh Exploding] [Super Power Fly By] [Supersonic Aerodynamic Whoosh]
N: Help! Help! Ow!
F: Help! Help!
N: We’re goin’ down another level!
F: Mayday! Mayday!
F: Another basement!
N: Hell’s basement has a basement!
SFX: [Laboratory Bubbles]
N: And, we’re trapped—in some kind of laboratory!
SFX: [Terror Tension] [Magic Spell]
We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com.
And thank you for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to tell a friend! And keep on laughing!
Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###