Transcript / Van Pooop Lane Chronicles – Episode 90, written by Vicki Solá.
All content © 2023 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.
Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki, and the gang….
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Heavenly Drone]
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: In our last episode, “Dotting My T’s and Crossing My I’s,” stranded earthling Nicki Rodriguez and her canine-humanoid companions “Sooperflea” Fleaglossitty Floppinsplodge, and “Zig” Gneeecey and his at least as exasperating double, have left Gneeecey’s vacation cabin in Perswayssick County’s region of Booolabeeezia. They’re on their way back to Gneeecey’s Saint Bogelthorpe Parke mansion. They hope to make sense of what’s been happening and to resume their lives as best they can.
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Car Engine] [Car Horns]
N: You’re right, Flea. This ’75 Blimmbutt drives pretty well.
F: But it is kinda unsightly. Looks a lot like your ol’ Splodge. Orange an’ purple. Big fins. Same year. Guess that’s why.
G: He’s touching meee!
G2: You’re stinkin’ touchin’ meee!
G & G2 [in unison]: You started it! No! Yooou started it! Are we there yet?
F: Youse two Zigs in the backseat there—I’ll tell youse somethin’ that’ll shut youse both up! On my way up here, I stopped by Doctor Idnas’s office.
G: You been a busy little Iggleheimer, ain’cha, Fleaglossitty?
F: While youse two been busy fightin’, I been busy takin’ care of business.
G: You tryin’ to say you’re more deficient than us?
F: Well…. Anyways, Doctor Idnas would like to see all four of us once we’re settled. She has a theory ’bout all of this. Remember the time we were patients at Florence Ferguson Memorial? An’ Doctor Frombilagonga an’ that nasty Nurse Maudlyn supposedly took care of us?
N, G, & G2 [in unison]: Yeah!
F: Well, like I said, Doctor Idnas has a theory ’bout what’s been happenin’ to us. She has access to our hospital charts at Florence Ferguson, an’ she’d like to do some new blood work on us!
G & G2 [in unison]: Nooooo!
SFX: [Cartoon Character Annoyed Crying] [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell]
[Car Engine] [Snoring] [Toy Piano Rockabye] [Car Horns]
NICKI RODRIGUEZ: Well, Flea, thank goodness, uh, thank Bogelthorpe, those two “Zig” Gneeeceys have finally stopped fighting.
FLEAGLOSSITTY “FLEA’ FLOPPINSPLODGE, AKA “SOOPERFLEA”: Yeah, Nicki, thank Bogelthorpe them two Zigs are asleep there in the backseat.
N: Flea, I was wondering, how come when the two Zig Gneeeceys—our Gneeecey and his double—make physical contact, y’know, fighting each other, they don’t become one person again like you and your double did?
F: That’s a good question, Nicki, an’ I think I have an answer. You hadn’t arrived yet when me an’ my double were fightin’ each other. It was finally when I accepted my shadow side an’ made friends wit’ myself that we were able to come back together into one being.
N: Yeah, that makes perfect sense. When I first made physical contact with my double—my shadow side—
F: Same thing.
N: Yeah. So when we touched, the two of us disappeared into some weird intermediate dimension.
F: I remember.
N: And we said some really nasty things to each other. It was only when I finally made peace with my other self and agreed to consider some of the things she said to me, that I was able to reach out my hand to her. Then we both re-merged, as Zinfandel said—
F: Zinfandel? You saw Zinfandel, our Planet Eccchs leader?
N: I—I didn’t actually see him…. It’s a long story. I’ll tell you all about it when we’re settled. But anyway, I guess in order to become one with ourselves, we had to make peace with our shadow sides—really learn to become friends with ourselves. Love ourselves, flaws and all.
F: I don’t know if them two sleepin’ Zigs back there will ever learn not to hate each other. We may be stuck wit’ two Zigs for a long time.
N: Yeah….
F: One thing I do know for sure is that I’m really sore, all over, from beatin’ up on myself.
SFX: [Car Engine] [Car Horn] [Magic Spell] [Halloween Fun & Spooky Logo] [Door Unlock] [Door Open] [Cuckoo Clock] [Squeaking Sneakers]
F: Okay, guys, we’re home!
DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY: It’s my maaansion! Youse guys are jus’ stayin’ here!
G2: No! It’s my stinkin’ maaansion, an’ I’m jus’ lettin’ youse Iggleheimers stay here!
G & G2 [in unison]: It’s my stinkin’ maaansion!
N: Guys! Guys! Please!
G & G2 [in unison]: No!
F: Youse two better stop, or me an’ Nicki are both gonna leave youse two right here!
G & G2 [in unison]: Stinkin’ whatever….
G: I’m hungry. SFX: [Rumbling Stomach] Let’s go into the lousy kitchen there.
N, F, & G2 [in unison]: Okay.
G: Hey! Looky over there! Looky! Looky!
N, F, & G2 [in unison]: Whaaat? Whaaat?
G: Who’s been eatin’ a bowl of rupum at my lousy kitchen table?
F: An’ look—it’s still steamin’ hot!
G: An’ who fixed my busted chair leg? I liked it busted—it gave me good exercise, tryin’ not to fall on my bimbus while I’m eatin’! I better go upstairs to have a look around!
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Door Open]
G: An’ looky! Who cleaned my stinkin’ bedroom? I am aboobsolutely disgustipated!
G2: Meee too!
F: Where ya goin’ now, Zig?
G: Downstairs to make sure my terlit—y’know, my lousy zillion-dollar high-tech Electronic Water Cyclone Three Thousand is still in one piece!
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Flushing Toilet] [Door Open]
N, F, G & G2 [in unison]: Holy Saint Bogelthorpe!
G: It’s—it’s—it’s—
EBEGNEEEZER GESUNDHEIT EEECEYGNAY: Tis is I, Ebegneeezer Gesundheit Eeeceygnay!
G2: Our hideous double from Planet HyenaZitania!
G: Are yooou stinkin’ callin’ us hideous?
F: Don’t fight wit’ each other, you two Zigs! Can’cha see? Your evil double from Planet HyenaZitania has been takin’ advantage of our situation—livin’ in your mansion, impersonatin’ ya—tryin’ to take over Perswayssick County the whole time we been away, busy fightin’ ourselves!
G & G2 [in unison]: You stinkin’ get outta my house!
E: Oh, bloody hell! Two blithering idiot Diroctor Bizzig “Zig” Gneeeceys? I absolutely must reconsider my entire strategy—I am henceforth departing these shoddy, substandard premises, effective immediately, until I have a more workable plan of action in place! SFX: [Body Fall Human] [Crash Metal] Crikey! Bloody hell! Yaaaah! SFX: [Glass Shatter][Door Slam] [Magic Spell] [Door Open] [Sneakers Squeaking]
DOCTOR ALEXANDRA C. IDNAS: Vhy, Nicki, Flea, and Diroctor Gneeecey…and, uh, Diroctor Gneeecey, hallo.
INGABORE SCRIBLIG, AKA “GRANDMA”: Yah, hallo, Nicki, Flea, and Diroctor Gneeecey…and, uh, Diroctor Gneeecey. Eet ees wery good to see you.
G: I’m Diroctor Gneeecey!
G2: No, I’m stinkin’ Diroctor Gneeecey! The reeeal one!
G & G2 [in unison]: No, I am!
G: An’ why do youse always gotta greet the lousy Ig an’ that dopey Fleaglossitty first?
N: Hi, Doctor Idnas. Hi, Grandma.
F: Yeah, hi, Doctor Idnas an’ Mrs. Scriblig.
IS: Please, call me “Grandma.”
F: Okay. Hi, Graaandma.
DI: Please, you four, have a seat.
IS: Yah, please make yourselves comfortable.
G: How comfoofortabooble can I be, havin’ to sit next to him? He ain’t meee!
G2: Well, if ya don’t wanna stinkin’ sit next to meee, go sit on the lousy floor over there, then!
G: I stinkin’ will, then! SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Slip] [Slip & Fall] [Duck Horn] Why yoooou—ya made me fall on my bimbus!
G2: Heh hah, heh haah, heh haaah!
G: Oh yeah, my other stooopid self? We’ll see who’s laughin’ in jus’ a minute!
N: Guys! Guys! Please!
IS: Calm down, you two. And no vun here ees stupid!
DI: Dat ees right. Now, vee are here to discuss some really important tings. Now, tanks to Flea, I am avare of vhat you all have been experiencing.
You have all been subject to a vary strange phenomenon, dat of your shadow selves actually materializing, manifesting physically, and plaguing you. I myself, een all my years of practice—
G: Ya mean you’re still practicin’? Ya ain’t got it right yet?
F: Quiet, Zig. For Bogelthorpe’s sake! Let Doctor Idnas continue. She’s here to help us.
DI: Tank you, Flea. As I vas saying, een all my years of practice, here in Persvayssick County and on our native Planet Eccchs, I have never encountered such phenomena until now. After giving dis matter some tought, I have a teory. And Flea here has been tinking along dee same lines.
N: Doctor Idnas, I assume that this has something to do with why you’d like the, uh, four of us to have some bloodwork done?
DI: Yah, precisely, Nicki.
G & G2 [in unison]: Nooooo! Nooooo ouchy needles an’ bloodwork! SFX: [Cartoon Character Annoyed Crying x 2]
DI: Diroctor Gneeecey and Diroctor Gneeecey, and Nicki and Flea, please let me explain more dee need for dis.
G: Well, at least, my lousy other self, she mentioned us first.
G2: Yupperooney, she certaintaneously did!
DI: So, eet ees my opinion dat your shadow selves manifesting in dee physical ees attributable to more dan just dimension burn and stress. Now, I’m sure you all remember your vary recent stay as inpatients at Florence Ferguson Memorial Hospital.
N: Who could ever forget—with that horrible Nurse Maudlyn an’ that creepy Doctor Frombilagonga!
DI: Yah. I vent to medical school, back on Planet Eccchs, vit Doctor Gongalafromba Frombilagonga, and he alvays struck me as being a vary shady character. Vary arrogant and self-serving. And not vary interested een dee velfare of patients. As a doctor vit admitting privileges at Florence Ferguson Memorial, I have continued to deal vit him and also vit dat impudent Nurse Maudlyn. I honestly tink she has a crush on Doctor Frombilagonga. Anyvay, as an admitting physician dere, I do have access to your medical charts. I took a look at your blood vurk from dat admission after speaking vit Flea yesterday, and someting caught my attention. So, I vould like vary much to have some updated lab vurk done on all of you to make a comparison and to see eef my suspicions are confirmed.
G: Do we gotta go to a heemahooologist?
DI: No, Diroctor Gneeecey, my phlebotomist is here on site today, in dee examining room over dere. I vould radder do dis here in my office, not to arouse suspicions at dee hospital, you know, een case Doctor Frombilagona and Nurse Maudlyn are dere.
G: Maybe your phlebotobootomist can fix my Yaaaamicles?
G2: Ain’t yours—he’s mine!
N: They, uh, tore the teddy bear in half.
IS: Do not vurry, Diroctor Gneeecey, and, uh, Diroctor Gneeecey. I vill sew him up for you. He vill be as good as new! I promise!
G: But he needs my missin’ two-zillion dollars in cash inside him first!
G2: Stolen two-zillion dollars in cash! An’ that mon-ney’s all mine!
G: No, it’s all stinkin’ mine!
DI: Anuddder ting. Speaking of dee bear, I find eet vary strange dat dee bear disappeared into tin air vit Nurse Maudlyn, dat day I stopped by and had vurds vit her at your mansion, Diroctor Gneeecey, and, uh, Diroctor Gneeecey. Een fact, I believe dat I scared her avay.
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Cartoon Character Annoyed Crying x 2]
G & G2 [in unison]: Ow! Ow! Ow!
DI: Diroctor Gneeecey, and, uh, Diroctor Gneeecey, I can’t believe dat you two are carrying on like such babies after having bloodwork. Vee only took a small vial from each of you. And vee used dee tiniest needles!
SFX: Cartoon Character Annoyed Crying x 2]
G & G2 [in unison]: Ow! Ow! Ow!
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Car Engine] [Car Horns]
N: Flea, thank goodness, uh, thank Bogelthorpe, that Doctor Idnas suggested that you and I take a drive while she tries to have both Gneeeceys make peace with each other.
F: I wish her good luck wit’ that.
N: Where are we going, Flea? I don’t think I’ve ever been to this part of town.
F: Doctor Idnas an’ I both think that nasty Nurse Maudlyn an’ that creepy Doctor Frombilagonga got somethin’ to do wit’ our shadow sides materializing. Well, guess what, Nicki?
N: What, Flea?
F: Through some amazin’ detective work, if I say so myself, I found out where Nurse Maudlyn lives!
N: You did?
F: Yeah. 666 Van Pooop Lane. An’ we’re jus’ about there! I’m gonna park up the block here. An’ speakin’ of shadows, we’ll walk in the shadows an’ hide in them hedges on the edge of her property. Lucky it’s gettin’ dark.
N: Are you sure we should even be doing this?
F: Yeah. Gotta get to the bottom of this. Now, let’s crouch down in these bushes here. There’s her house.
SFX: [Crunching Leaves]
N: Look over there. I see a yellow bicycle. Leaning against her wall there. Looks like its basket’s filled with some weird yellow vegetation.
F: Yeah. Mixed in wit’ some hand sanitizer. And I see some kinda jar there, too.
N: Look! She’s coming out of her house!
F: Walkin’ toward the bicycle! Can’t really picture her ridin’ one!
SFX: [Cell Phone Ring]
NURSE MAUDLYN: Hello? Nurse Maudlyn speaking. Oh, hello, my other me! Yes, I’m on my way to the hospital now. Perhaps if I take care of this, he’ll finally appreciate me and know how much I do care. And I’ll bring home some more of this stuff so you and I can keep working together!
N: Sounds like she’s talking to herself!
F: Yeah!
SFX: [Crunching Leaves]
NM: Wait—what’s that I hear in the bushes? Who’s there? Who’s there?
SFX: [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell]
We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com.
And thank you for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to tell a friend! And keep on laughing!
Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###