Transcript / Sittin’ on Our Brains – Episode 87, written by Vicki Solá.
All content © 2023 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.
Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki, and the gang….
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Halloween Logo Cinematic]
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: In our last episode, “Fighting Ourselves,” our black-furred, red-caped canine-humanoid superhero “Sooperflea” Fleaglossitty Floppinsplodge’s double insults him—really wounds him with words—and the two proceed to duke it out, in Gneeecey’s high-tech cabin hidden away in the wooded mountains of Booolabeeezia.
Noses bloodied, the lookalikes seem a bit more reasonable after their fistfight. As they search Zig Gneeecey’s freezer for icepacks to soothe their post-fight injuries, they’re startled by a nearby commotion. It turns out to be the white-and-black canine-humanoid Gneeecey and his double fighting their way up from the basement, each claiming ownership of the cash-stuffed teddy, Yammicles.
Falling on their bimbuses, the two Gneeeceys unwittingly tear the precious bear in half—right down the middle. To their utter horror, the two-zillion dollars stashed away inside the worn plush toy have evaporated! There is no cash—only tokens, physical bitcoins, and a few paper IOUs.
SFX: [Annoyed Cartoon Character Crying x 2]
G: Before we can do surgery on poor Yammicles, youse two Fleaglossittys—youse gotta find his innards—y’know, my two zillion dollars in caaaash—
G2: Ya mean my two zillion dollars in cash!
G: No, ya lousy imposter—my two zillion dollars in cash!
SFX: [Phone Ringing] SFX: [Electronic Cash Register]
G: You’ve reached the lousy voicemail of me, your wonderfoofal Perswayssick County Grate Gizzygalumpaggis Diroctor Bizzig “Zig” Gneeecey, here at my beaudiful vacation home in Booolebeeezia. Youse can leave me a lousy message at the sound of the beep, but I might not get back to youse anytime soon ’cause I’m proboobably on stinkin’ vacation. SFX: [Electronic Cash Register]
CALLER: Hallo, Diroctor Gneeecey. I vant to buy some cryptocurrency. You know vhere to find me.
F: Zig an’ Zig, this is real fishy. I’m priddy sure I’m on the right track when I say that the evil Nurse Maudlyn who stole Yammicles in the first place, an’ her buddy, that creepy Doctor Frombilagonga, got somethin’ to do wit’ this. That cryptocurrency guy who keeps leavin’ ya them pesky messages, he sounds jus’ like that Doctor Frombilagonga.
G: Nah, Fleaglossitty. That’s two logikookal. It’s gotta be a stranger plot twist than thaaat.
G2: Y’know, my other stinkin’ self, I don’t think them two Fleaglossittys are smart enough to figure all this out. Team Fleaglossitty ain’t up to the task.
G: For once, other meee, I must say, I agree wit’cha!
F: Well, have it your way, Zig an’ Zig. We’re jus’ gonna worry ’bout ourselves from now on. Right, my other self?
F2: You ain’t got no argument from me there.
G: Well, wait, Fleaglossitty an’ Fleaglossitty. We didn’t say youse couldn’t help. We jus’ said youse guys ain’t smart enough to figure all this out.
G2: Yeah. Two of youse are twice as dumb!
G & G2 [in unison]: Heh hah, heh haah, heh haaah!
F & F2 [in unison]: Oh yeah?
G & G2 [in unison]: Yeah!
SFX: [FightFist] [Glass Shatter] [Dish Ceramic] [Splash Water] [Bang] [Blow on Table] [Metal Crash]
F & F2: Ow! Ow! Ow! You! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
SFX: [Body Fall] [Metal Crash] [Splash Water]
DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY & GNEEECEY 2: Yaaaah! Mmmmph! Grrrf! Yah!
SFX: [Metal Crash] [Glass Shatter] [Bang] [Splash Water] [Dish Ceramic] [Wood Demolition]
F: Youse guys knocked over the whole refrigerator! An’ everything fell out of it! An’ my nose is bleedin’ again. My other me, ya see any ice packs?
F2: Nope. I don’t see no ice packs. All’s I see is a zillion boxes of Mrs. Dammit’s Sloggenberry Pie, a pile of freezer-burned jackass patties stuck to each other, some cracked plastic containers filled wit’ frozen ice block soup, and a couple of hairy, egg-shaped green things. Wit’ faces.
G: Youse two Fleaglossittys will clean up this whole mess.
G2: Yeah. Wit’ two of ’em, it’ll go faaaster.
G: An’ jus’ ’cause I’m agreein’ wit’ ya, ya lousy other me imposter, it don’t mean I like ya!
G2: Stinkin’ ditto!
F: Y’know, I wonder, where’s our good earthling human friend Nicki?
F2: An’ her double, the other Nicki, who’s my Nicki?
G & G2 [in unison]: Who stinkin’ cares?
F & F2 [in unison]: Zig!
SFX: [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell] [Wind]
NICKI RODRIGUEZ: Well, this is great.
N2: Whaddaya mean?
N: You made it so we ended up being tossed around all over the place, like leaves being scattered around in the sky, here in some weird dimension—
N2: I did this?
N: Yes, my other supposed me! You made us end up here in this weird dimension! I am freakin’ sick and tired of ending up in weird dimensions! I have had enough! You hear me?
N2: You need to take some responsibility for your actions, my friend!
N: I am not your friend!
N2: That’s a big part of your problem! I’m part of you—but if you can’t like yourself—
N: Don’t you ever dare make such assumptions!
N2: Well, if you don’t like yourself—and I mostly agree—I don’t like you either—how can you ever expect our life to go the way we want?
N: Any other words of wisdom here, my other self that I never asked to meet?
N2: Y’know, I can just leave you here right now, in limbo. You don’t care, and I probably don’t either, so adios! Have a good life—in your dreams!
N: Wait—so, I wanna know, why do you even exist?
N2: So I can inform you that you’ve been living our life all wrong. Our whole life.
N: I didn’t ask for your baseless opinion.
N2: You asked me why I exist.
N: Okay…go on, then. So, what do you think I’m doing wrong?
N2: You don’t know?
N: No. I don’t! Why don’t you tell me?
N2: What are you—sitting on your brains?
N: Hey!
N2: You have power. Power that you’re not using. Power that we’re not using because you keep forgetting that you have it.
N: Huh?
N2: You are sitting on your brains. You keep forgetting that your dimension burn—y’know, from traveling back and forth from Earth to Perswayssick County and a few other dimensions—has given us extraordinary mental and physical powers. But we can’t use these powers because you keep forgetting. Plus, you don’t even believe in yourself. Or even really like yourself.
N: Huh? You make it sound like you and I are the same person or something.
N2: We are. And I’m really furious. I have this power, too. But I can’t use it fully because of your—your shortcomings. Your failures.
N: I—I don’t get it—
N2: Why do you think we were catapulted into this weird dimension? Because I have the power too. But I can’t use it fully until you decide to—to get up off your brains and remember to use it.
N: It looks like we’re back on our planet—back on Earth! It looks like Hackensack down there! There’s the river, and that looks like the Anderson Street Bridge! Y’know, in regular New Jersey—
N2: As opposed to that other New Jersey in the dimension of Perswayssick County, filled with your wacko canine-humanoid pals. I really hope you’re planning to stay here in our world. Our burning desire, for the longest—ever since we became stranded in that crazy, upside-down Perswayssick County—has been to return to our old lives here on Earth. In “regular New Jersey.”
N: Well, I…uh….
N2: What’s the matter? It’s freezing cold, blowing around up here in the sky like this! Let’s land! Now! Well? Don’t tell me that we’re gonna return to the dimension of Perswayssick County! Don’t tell me, we can’t bear to leave Sooperflea, Gneeecey, and the rest of them there!
N: I’ve—I’ve made my life there. I miss my old life, but I don’t feel like I fit in here anymore! Maybe—maybe, I can visit my family and friends and tell them I’ve been away on a secret mission and that I can only stay a little while. That way, they’ll know I’m okay.
N2: We both have to agree here—you understand? Or there’s no hope for us! We both have to agree to stay here in our regular New Jersey! Now! Do we? Well?
SFX: [Wind] [Music Finalle] [Magic Spell] [Halloween Spooky & Fun Logo]
G: Let’s stinkin’ give this a try!
G2: Stinkin’ yeah, my other self! Let’s give this a try!
F: Looks like youse two are agreein’ on more an’ more!
F2: Yeah, it does. Now, what are youse two Gneeeceys doin’? What’s Team Gneeecey up to?
G: Well, we all know that we gotta find that missin’ two zillion dollars of mine, but youse two Fleaglossittys ain’t up to the task, so us superior Gneeecey’s are gonna hafta take charge.
G2: Yeah. Youse two Fleaglossittys are jus’ as stooopid as ya were back in Missus Forkworthy’s class. Remember the time youse were doin’ a trick, y’know, tryin’ to impress Prindl, the priddiest girl in first grade, an’ youse fell outta your chair onto your head an’ youse passed gas, an’ the whole class was laughin’! Especially Prindl!
G & G2 [in unison]: Heh hah, heh haah, heh haaah!
F & F2 [in unison]: Hey!
G: So, us two Zig Gneeeceys are gonna hafta do the job youse two Fleaglossittys are too incompoopetent to do.
G2: Yeah. An’ us two will jus’ hafta wait to fight over the two zillion dollars after we find it! Gotta stinkin’ find it first before we can fight over it!
F & F2 [in unison]: An’ how youse gonna find it?
G: Well, my friend Sal always says I’m sittin’ on my brains.
G2: So, that means I am, too!
F: I gotta agree.
F & F2 [in unison]: So?
G: So, to activate our brains more, we’re gonna keep jumpin’ up an’ then fallin’ down on our bimbus!
G2: That will activate our brain cells an’ help us figure all this out quicker!
F: Uh, Zig an’ Zig, I don’t think Sal meant—
SFX: [Cartoon Slip x4] [Slip and Fall x4] [Duck Horn x4]
G: I can fall harder than you!
G2: No, ya stinkin’ caaan’t!
G: I am thinkin’ better awready! Even though I’m rippin’ up my pants! SFX: [Cartoon Slip] [Slip and Fall] [Duck Horn] [Fabric Tear]
G2: Me too! I feel all them, y’know, neural connections, them synapses, jumpin’ ’round quicker each time my trousers split! SFX: [Cartoon Slip] [Slip and Fall] [Duck Horn] [Fabric Tear]
G: Yupperooney! Sal was right! I feel them neurons lightin’ up more awready! My bimbus is burnin’ hot! Two zillion buckarooneys, here we come!
G & G2 [in unison]: Yee haw!
SFX: [Cartoon Slip x2] [Slip and Fall x2] [Duck Horn x2] [Fabric Tear x2] [Cartoon 1] [Magic Spell]
We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com.
And thank you for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to tell a friend! And keep on laughing!
Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###