Transcript / Game Over? – Episode 83, written by Vicki Solá.
All content © 2023 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.
Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki, and the gang….
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Halloween Music Box Cinematic Logo]
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: Our last episode, “Time Will Smell,” found stranded Earth human Nicki Rodriguez and her canine-humanoid companions “Zig” Gneeecey and “Flea” Fleaglossitty Floppinsplodge, otherwise known as “Sooperflea” still on the run—from themselves. Their doubles seem to be following them everywhere they go. The hungry, exhausted threesome had taken refuge in Gneeecey’s greasy dive of a restaurant, Gneeezle’s. Sitting at a small table, they waited for Gneeecey’s mouse employee Altitude to bring them the meals they’d ordered. Then….
SFX: [Logo Eerie Sharp]
NICKI RODRIGUEZ: Oh, my God! Look up there by the door—the other three of us just came in! We’ve gotta get outta here!
FLEAGLOSSITTY FLOPPINSPLODGE: Lemme help ya up, Zig!
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking]
ALTITUDE THE MOUSE: Hey, boss, where youse guys goin’? Food’s almost ready! I’ll get youse a table for six!
SFX: [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell]
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: And so, Nicki, Flea, and Gneeecey are on the run once more…to somewhere…anywhere…where they might feel safe…until their doubles find them again.
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Car Engine] [Car Horns] [Police Siren]
F: Well, we can’t go back to my apartment, we can’t go to Doctor Idnas an’ Grandma’s office, we can’t go back to your mansion, Zig, an’ we even had to run away from Gneeezle’s! I’d say we’re in real trouble now!
DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY: Fleaglossitty, you’re supposed to be a superhero wit’ ESP. You’re stinkin’ sayin’ yooou don’t know what we’re gonna do? What kinda lousy superhero are yooou?
F: Well, Zig, you’re supposed to be the almighty genius leader of Perswayssick County an’—
G: I aaam the lousy leader an’ director of this dopey county, an’ I’m a brilliant doctor an’ skientist as well, so that makes me a diroctor, ya bristle-butt!
F: No need to get personal, Zig. So, if you’re all that, ya blockhead—
G: Don’t make fun of my big head, Fleaglossitty. It’s full of lotsa brains an’—
F: So, why don’t you come up wit’ a plan then?
G: I’m gonna plan to kick your flea-bitten bimbus wit’ my size thirteen foot—
N: Guys! Guys! C’mon! Now, I have an idea. Why don’t we—
G: What’s your dopey idea, Ig?
N: Well, stop interrupting me so I can tell you. And the name would be Nickooki—ugh…I mean Nicki…I wonder if this infected speech will ever go away….
G: Mine ain’t never disapoopeared, Ig.
N: Okay, guys, tell me what you think. Why don’t we head for Diroctor Gneeecey’s GAS Broadcast Network?
F: That’s a good idea, Nicki. Only thing is, it’s too far to walk, an’ we ain’t got no transportation, remember? Edgar Vompt Boulevard is a couple of miles away!
G: Why don’cha fly us there, ya defective superhero?
F: Oh yeah? I’ll show ya who’s defective!
N: Guys! Please! We cannot fight among ourselves here!
F: He started it! Did not! Yooou started it!
G: He started it! Did not! Yooou started it!
N: And I’m gonna end it! Right now.
F: Sorry, Nicki.
G: Stinkin’ whatever, Ig.
N: Okay. We’ll walk along Murgatroyd Avenue here. It’s a main drag, and we should be able to spot a bus or hail a cab.
G: I ain’t got no mon-ney on me. My precious teddy bear Yammicles who I really care about ’cause I stuffed him wit’ a couple of zillion dollars in cash, he’s been kidnapped! An’ Fleaglossitty, you ain’t stinkin’ found him yet like you said you was gonna do!
F: Well, Zig, maybe Yammicles’ double will show up, too. An’ then you’ll have twice as much money.
G: Don’t get snarkastic wit’ meee, Fleaglossitty!
SFX: [Atmosphere]
G: But’cha know, even though that idea came from a dope like you, Fleaglossitty, it could work to my advaaantage. Ain’t no savin’s account or investments these days that could double my mon-ney like that! The interest ya get these days ain’t worth a stale goonafish saaandwich.
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Car Engine] [Car Horns] [Police Siren]
G: I caaan’t walk no more. There’s a hole in my left sock.
F: For Bogelthorpe’s sake, Zig, why don’cha put your left shoe on insteada jus’ carryin’ it like that?
G: Yeah, y’know, I could do that! Mayboobe I could even jus’, y’know, hop on my right foot! Why didn’t I think of either of them solutions before?
F: ’Cause you’re such a blitherin’ genius….
G: Whaaat?
F: Uh, nuthin’, Zig. Uh, Nicki, I had a thought.
N: Yeah, Flea?
F: I got a couple of bucks on me.
N: Yeah, me too. So, what are you thinking?
F: So, what if…what if…what if….
G: Stinkin’ spit it out, Fleaglossitty! Spit it out awready!
F: What if we get on a bus or hail a cab, an’…an’…we’re already in it?
G: Never thunk of thaaat!
N: So far, we haven’t seen any cabs or buses, which is strange. In fact, it almost looks and sounds like they’re prepping for a parade or something here on Murgatroyd Avenue.
SFX: [Parade Ambience]
G: Yeah, it stinkin’ does.
F: Well, we got no choice but to keep walkin’, guys.
SFX: [Fabric Tear]
G: What was thaaat? Another lousy rip in the fabric of time an’ space?
F: No, Zig. You split your trousers jus’ then.
G: I hope nobody can’t see my bimbus now!
F: Jus’ make sure not to turn your back on anyone, Zig. At least it was your pants that tore an’ not the space-time continuum.
N: Guys, speaking of the space-time continuum, I mentioned this before, back in the restaurant. I said, maybe if we could find a way to go back in time, we could find out what’s causing this and change the future, which is now.
F: I remember, Nicki. I really dunno if it’s possible to go back in time an’ change the future.
G: Sounds kinda dangerousical if ya ask me.
F: Well, Zig, nobody asked ya.
G: Well, Fleaglossitty, I’m tellin’ ya!
N: Guys! Guys! Please! If we can’t go back to the past to change the future, maybe we can still change it now, here, in the present.
F: How, Nicki?
G: Yeah. How, Ig?
N: I, for one, want to confront the other me.
G: Ya mean, ya wanna take the bull by the tail an’ look it square in the face?
N: Uh, well, something like that. I mean, why should I be afraid of my other self—just because we both exist in the same time and space? Maybe we should try and understand what we’re afraid of, y’know, instead of just fearing it? We can’t keep running from our other selves forever! I mean, there has to be some kind of scientific explanation for all of this.
F: Sounds kind of dangerous, Nicki! What if our other selves are, y’know, made of antimatter, and if we make actual contact with them, we’ll all be destroyed—I believe it’s called mutualannihilation. We could all disappear! Instantly! Game over! We could be blown to smithereens!
G: Ain’t that somewheres in Texas?
F: No, Zig, it actually means we could all be blown to pieces an’—
G: Well, I’m the leader of this here lousy county, an’ I ain’t allowin’ no annihilazations here! Way too dangerousical!
N: But, guys, our other selves are already here in this dimension. Nothing’s blown up yet.
G: Yet!
SFX: [Parade Marching Band]
F: Look, Nicki—it is a parade!
G: How come I don’t know nuthin’ ’bout this? I’m Grate Gizzygalumpaggis of this here county and Quality of Life Commissioner, too! I didn’t give no authorization for no lousy parade today!
N: There’s a stage set up there at the intersection of Murgatroyd Avenue and Mayhem Street!
F: An’ look who’s up there in front of that microphone, gettin’ ready to speak!
N: Holy crap! It’s—it’s—
G: It’s my hideous double from Planet HyenaZitania, Ebegneeezer Gesundheit Eeecegnay!
N: He’s resurfaced from wherever he was hiding all this time! He couldn’t have come back at a worse time! I’m sure he’s here to take advantage of this situation. He must know something we don’t know, or he wouldn’t have come out of hiding!
G: You’re right, Ig! This certaintaneously compooplicates things! Now there are stinkin’ threeee of me! Me, my newest dopey double, an’ now him, my old dopey double!
F: Sometimes less is more. An’ more is less. More or less.
G: You incineratin’ that more of me is less, Fleaglossitty?
SFX: [Applause]
EBEGNEEEZER GESUNDHEIT EEECEYGNAY: Here, here! There, there! I, Ebegneeezer Gesundheit Eeecegnay, have come here to sort of repay a debt owed to my, uh, distant cousin, thrice removed, one Diroctor Bizzig “Zig” Gneeecey. A debt that he incurred back, shall I say, when where I come from, he took advantage of my extremely generous hospitality. Let us just say I owe him one.
SFX: [Audience Laughing]
G: How dare he! An’ I did not take no advaaantage of his hospoopitality—you were imprisoned by him wit’ me on his stooopid planet, Ig! What are we gonna dooo?
E: And so, I stand before you, my good citizens of Perswayssick County…
G: They ain’t his snitizens! They’re stinkin’ mine!
E: I hear some high, shrill noise there in the rear. Anyway, I shall go on. It is my extreme pleasure and dubious honor to preside here over the renaming of Buzzard Beak Falls! Henceforth, in honor of your, um, Grate Gizzygalumpaggis Bizzig “Zig” Gneeecey, this rather unsavory, rather distasteful landmark shall be known as Bimbus Falls!
SFX: [Applause] [Slip] {Slip and Fall] {Duck Horn] [Audience Laughing]
G: Yaaaaaaah!
F: That’s probably how ya weakened the seat of your trousers, Zig—y’know, the fabric—always fallin’ on your bimbus!
E: And accordingly, I shall now read the following poem written by Sal Solá to commemorate this momentous occasion.
G: This ain’t no momentical occasion! Stinkin’ help me up, Fleaglossitty!
E: Ahem.
SFX: [Rustling Papers]
E: “As I roamed through the obscene halls
of the manse of Bimbus Falls;
Out the window I truly espied,
a blot staining the horizon wide;
'Twas a thunderous murder of crows,
aligned in non-parallel rows;
Engaged in quite nefarious chattering,
waiting for prey to fall, splattering.”
SFX: [Crows] [Applause]
E: I now declare that this repugnant Perswayssick County landmark, also previously known as Pork’s Landing, be henceforth known as “Bimbus Falls”!
SFX: [Applause] [Logo Eerie Sharp]
N: Holy crap—look over there—it’s the three other us!
F: An’ look Zig, the other you—his trousers are split down the back, too, jus’ like yours!
G: An’ that other lousy me looks real, real maaad—jus’ like I stinkin’ am right now!
N: And the other me has just turned around, and—
F: —an’ she’s lookin’ at us!
N: I’ve had enough of this! I am not afraid of myself! I refuse to be afraid of myself. She looks as freaked out as I am! I’m going over there and having a word with that other me!
G: Ig, don’t go talkin’ to yourself over there! I order ya! Stay here an’ talk to your regoogular self like ya usually do—under your breath! You’ll kill us all!
N: Since when do I take orders from you, Diroctor Gneeecey? Here I go.
F & G [in unison]: Nooooooooooo!
SFX: [Terror Tension] [Orchestra Cliffhanger]
F: An’ thanks for the “Bimbus Falls” poem, Sal Solá!
SFX: [Magic Spell]
We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com.
And thank you for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to tell a friend! And keep on laughing!
Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###