Transcript /Time Will Smell – Episode 82, written by Vicki Solá.
All content © 2023 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.
Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki, and the gang….
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Halloween Music Box Cinematic Logo]
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: Our last episode, “Tails of Terror,” found our beleaguered Earth human Nicki Rodriguez and her canine-humanoid companions “Zig” Gneeecey and “Flea” Fleaglossitty Floppinsplodge, otherwise known as “Sooperflea” on the run once more. Terrorized, seemingly stalked by their omnipresent doubles, they bolted out of the superhero’s cramped little Veggie Burger Avenue efficiency apartment, where they’d taken refuge.
SFX: [Logo Eerie Sharp]
NICKI RODRIGUEZ, SOOPERFLEA, AKA FLEA, AKA FLEAGLOSSITTY FLOPPINSPLODGE, & DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY [in unison]: Holy Saint Bogelthorpe!
N: It’s them! The other three of us—our doubles that were spying on us back at the mansion! They followed us here! And they’re doing and saying everything we did when we got here!
N, F, & G: Let’s get outta here!
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Terror Tension]
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: And on their way out, the doorknob didn’t hit Gneeecey where the, uh, dog might’ve bitten him…but….
G: Stinkin’ ow! What was thaaat?
F: Ya jus’ hit yourself in the head wit’ your size thirteen shoe, Zig—
G: I did not!
F: Ya did too—that other you that jus’ busted in here wit’ the other me an’ Nicki, he jus’ threw his red high-top at the back of your big hard noggin, ya blockhead!
G: Shaddup, Fleaglossitty! An’ I’m keepin’ this here lousy shoe!
N: Guys! Guys! C’mon—we gotta get out of here! Now!
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Terror Tension] [Door Slam] [Logo Eerie Sharp][Magic Spell] [Sneakers Squeaking] [Car Horns] [Sirens]
G: Where are we stinkin’ gonna go? Them lousy other ourselves know how to get in my mansion!
N: Well, obviously, they’re not there now—
G: Don’t get intelligent wit’ me, ya Ig! Don’t tell me oblivoovious junk I awready know! I stinkin’ know they ain’t there now, but they could come back!
F: Well, now we can’t be in my apartment either! So where we gonna go?
G: Yeah, Fleaglossitty, them other three might be goin’ back an’ forthicles from your place to mine!
N: And Doctor Gneeecey, look—
G: That’s Diroctor Gneeecey, ya Ig. Ya always stinkin’ forget I’m a dopey doctor an’ director of this here lousy Perswayssick County!
N: And you always seem to forget that my name is Nickooki—ugh—not Ig. Now, look, Diroctor—
G: Stinkin’ look at whaaat, ya Ig?
N: You’re running holding that sneaker—that red high-top!
G: Yeah. So what? That’s the sneaker the other me threw at my head! An’ it still hurts!
F: What hurts, Zig, your head, or the sneaker? Probably the sneaker, ’cause your head’s so hard!
G: Shaaaadup, Fleaglossitty!
N: Guys! Guys! C’mon! Now, Diroctor Gneeecey, look down at your left foot! You’re wearing a sneaker on your right foot, but only a sock on your left foot!
SFX: [Logo Eerie Sharp]
G: Ya mean, I hit me in the head wit’ my own shoe?
SFX: [Logo Eerie Sharp] [Magic Spell] [Sneakers Squeaking] [Car Horns] [Sirens]
N: Gotta stop a minute! I can’t believe it—all this running, and my hair’s still wet!
G: Why’re ya givin’ meee the evil eye, ya Ig?
N: Because back in Flea’s apartment, you crawled into bed with me—
G: Yeah, to protect ya!
N: Oh, right, you weren’t scared or anything. And then you wet my head—
G: At least I didn’t wet the bed—
N: You wet my head—you peed in my hair. And I had to take a shower, and my hair’s still wet, and I’m gonna catch pneumonia because it’s freezing out here!
F: We can’t keep running. We gotta settle somewhere an’ regroup. It’s almost nine a.m. Why don’t we go to Doctor Idnas an’ Grandma’s office?
N: Good idea, Flea. Maybe they can help us.
G: A fair idea, even though it came from your numbskull rockhead, Fleaglossitty. We’re actually right across the street from their office. Lemme call ’em now.
SFX: [Phone Dial] [Phone Ring] [Horns] [Sirens] [Car Engines]
DOCTOR ALEXANDRA C. IDNAS: Hallo, Doctor Idnas speaking.
G: Doctor Idnas, it’s meee, Diroctor Zig Gneeecey!
DI: Vhy, hallo, Diroctor Gneeecey. Did you forget something?
G: Haaah?
DI: Vhy, you, Nicki, and Flea just left my office.
G: We did?
DI: Yah. Don’t you remember dat I just congratulated you?
G: About whaaat?
DI: Don’t you remember? Persvayssick County’s Qvality of Life Commission voted unanimously, in your absence, to rename Buzzard Beak Falls in your honor! Dey are renaming eet Bimbus Falls!
G: Stinkin’ whaaat?
SFX: [Logo Eerie Sharp]
N: Holy—
F: —Saint Bogelthorpe!
N: There across the street—there go the other three of us—out of Doctor Idnas’s office door!
F: An’ you look real mad, Zig! An’ looky, the other you across the street there is walkin’ wit’ no left shoe on!
N: Do I really look that funny? My hair’s sticking out in all crazy directions!
G: Ya dooo look kinda funny, Ig!
N: Well, forget that for now—
G: Never will, Ig! Heh hah, heh haah, heh haaah!
N: We’d better crouch down over here, where we can’t see ourselves—I mean, where we can see ourselves, but our other selves there can’t see us!
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Stomach Rumble] [Restaurant Ambience] [Dish Ceramic]
G: I’m starvin’! Can’cha hear my stomach rumblin’?
F: I hear your mouth rumblin’—as usual!
G: Come over here an’ say that, ya flea butt!
F: I am over here, ya rockhead! In fact, your real name is Bizzig—you’re a Bizziggleheimer!
G: I’ll ignauzeate that remark, Fleaglossitty, but I’ll stinkin’ get ya when ya least expect it an’—
N: Guys! Guys! C’mon! We do not have the luxury of fighting among ourselves right now!
F: Sorry, Nicki. You’re right.
G: Yeah, you’re right, Ig. Fightin’ is luxurious.
N: And that would be Nickooki—ugh. I hate this ooglitis—this dimension burn-induced, infected speech!
G: Now ya know what I’m always goin’ through. Speech impedipoodiments ain’t as fun as they sound! SFX: [Stomach Rumble] Now, I’m hungry! I gotta eat!
N: Okay, okay. Here we are, in your Gneeezle’s Restaurant. Let’s get something to eat and try and figure things out. Ah, here’s Altitude. He’ll take care of us.
G: Hey, mouse, get us a real good table for three. Now!
ALTITUDE THE MOUSE: Heya, boss, why ya carryin’ your left shoe like that? Why ain’cha wearin’ it?
G: Never-stinkin’-mind, mouse. Jus’ get us a lousy table an’ take our order.
A: I thought ya said ya wanted a real good table.
G: Don’t get intelligent wit’ me!
A: Okay, okay. Follow me….
N: Feels good to finally sit down.
G: Okay, Mouse. I want a bowl of simmered ice block soup, two jackass patties, medium-rare wit’ grilled cross-eyed cheese an’ a squirt of zurt on the side, a goonafish seaweed melt, a cold can of Slog wit’ extra pulp, a snack bag of Freak O’ Nature Rindom Doodles, a very large piece of goosey cake, a nice gigaaantical slice of sloggenberry pie wit’ a double-scoop of chicken-flavored ice cream on top, an’ a big cup of blue cheese pudding sprinkled wit’ pie.
F: Make that two of everything, Altitude. An’ thanks.
G: Ig, ya want anything?
N: Uh…I’m not real hungry…but I’ll have a cup of that Earth Coffee that’s just been added to the menu.
G: Thank meee for puttin’ it on the lousy menu.
F: It is a lousy menu!
G: Well, it seems to suit yooou, Fleaglossitty. Didn’t stop you from orderin’ everythin’ on it!
F: It’s been said, a hungry man will eat boiled shoe leather.
N: Guys! Guys! Please! Now, we’ve gotta try and figure this out! How can there be another set of the three of us?
F: Yeah. We gotta try an’ solve this. I mean, we were lookin’ at ourselves back at Zig’s mansion, y’know, first, lookin’ down out the bedroom window an’ seein’ the three of us lookin’ up at us, shinin’ a flashlight at us.
G: Hurt my stinkin’ eyes!
N: And then, the three of us went outside, and when Flea pointed his flashlight up at the bedroom window, we were looking up at the three of us looking down at the three of us from the bedroom window!
G: An’ we were jus’ chased outta Fleaglossitty’s too-small, incornvenient apartment where on our stinkin’ way out the door, that rotten other me threw his lousy left sneaker into the back of my dopey head. I’m gonna get him sued for assault an’ batootery!
N: And then we watched the other three of us walk out of Doctor Idnas’s office building—and Diroctor Gneeecey, the other you didn’t have a shoe on his left foot because—
F: Because he threw it at Zig, who is now carrying it but doesn’t have his own left shoe on because—
G: —because—
F: —because he’s you!
G: Ya mean, I’m that other me, an’ that other me is I?
F: Yeah, Zig.
N: And that means somehow, we’re the other three of us!
G: Mayboobe a parallel universe has intersected wit’ ours—y’know, the way the Ig’s rogue planet Earth intersected wit’ our beaudiful, innocent Planet Eccchs an’ created this dimension of Perswayssick County, where we’re all stinkin’ straaanded!
F: Maybe time ain’t linear! Maybe there’s a rip in the fabric of the space-time continuum!
G: Or, the time-space continuum!
N: Or, maybe severe dimension burn caused there to be two sets of us? Or, quite possiboobly—ugh—it’s our own faulty perceptions?
G: Speak for yourself, Ig.
F: I do know that a famous Earth scientist said—
G: Oh, ya mean that guy Wisentein?
N: Earth’s famous Albert Einstein said that time’s relative. Y’know, the rate of time’s relative to our frame of reference.
G: Well, it wasn’t no stinkin’ frame of reference that hit me in my dopey noodle wit’ my own stinkin’ sneaker—
F: An’ it does stink, Zig. I wish you’d put it back on.
G: Because of our cirkookumstantial circkookumstances, I’ll ignauzeate that remark, Fleaglossitty.
N: Maybe if we could find a way to go back in time, we could find out what’s causing this and change the future, which is now.
F: I dunno, Nicki. I dunno if we can go back in time an’ change the future.
G: Time will smell, Ig. Time will smell. All I know is it’s time for me to go back into the kitchen there an’ see why our lousy food’s takin’ so long!
F: Zig! Watch out—there’s somethin’ spilled on the floor—you’re gonna—
SFX: [Slip] [Slip and Fall] [Duck Horn]
F: Too late….
SFX: [Logo Eerie Sharp]
N: Oh, my God! Look up there by the door—the other three of us just came in! We’ve gotta get outta here!
F: Lemme help ya up, Zig!
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking]
A: Hey, boss, where youse guys goin’? Food’s almost ready! I’ll get youse a table for six!
SFX: [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell]
We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com.
And thank you for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to tell a friend! And keep on laughing!
Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###