Transcript /Tails off Terror – Episode 81, written by Vicki Solá.
All content © 2023 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.
Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki, and the gang….
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Halloween Music Box Cinematic Logo]
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: Our last episode, “It’s You!” found our three creeped-out pals, Nicki, Gneeecey, and Sooperflea, skulking around in the middle of the night, on the grounds of Gneeecey’s mansion…investigating some suspicious sounds and sights. Minutes before, they had been awakened by leaves crunching outside their bedroom window. When they dared to get up and look, they beheld an unbelievable sight. They were looking down at themselves, nearly blinded by their doubles’ powerful flashlight shining in their eyes. So, out they went, to have a look….
SOOPERFLEA, AKA FLEA, AKA FLEAGLOSSITTY FLOPPINSPLODGE: Wait, guys! Look!
NICKI RODRIGUEZ: What, Flea?
F: Look up there—in our bedroom window, where we jus’ were!
SFX: [Sharp Eerie Logo]
DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY: Someone’s gotten into my maaansion!
F: Lemme unclip my trusty high-intensity super-duper superhero flashlight from my utility belt! SFX: [Metal Click 4] [Terror Tension]
G: Stinkin’ holy Saint Bogelthorpe!
F: It can’t be!
N: It’s us! The three of us—looking down at…the three of us!
SFX: [Sharp Eerie Logo]
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: Split seconds later, no working car available, the three fled Gneeecey’s mansion, burning rubber—the rubber of their sneakers.
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Door Unlock Key] [Door Open] [Sneakers Squeaking] [Door Close] [Door Lock Key]
F: Okay, Zig Gneeecey, ya can take that silly paper bag offa your head. You, Nicki, an’ me, we’re safe now, here in my Veggie Burger Avenue apartment.
G: Aw-stinkin’-right, Fleaglossitty. SFX: [Rustling Paper] Didn’t want no one seein’ meee, the Grate Gizzygalumpaggis an’ Quality of Life Commissioner of Perswayssick County takin’ public transpooportation. Don’t wanna wreck my image or detractipate from my dignity.
SFX: [Slip] [Slip and Fall] [Duck Horn]
F: Well, Zig, ya jus’ kinda did now, din’cha?
G: Jus’ fell on my lousy bimbus ’cause I’m so stinkin’ nerve-wracked! There are peopoople in my house that look jus’ like the three of us! Only they ain’t us ’cause we’re us! They’re in my stinkin’ bedroom right now! I hadda run away from my own house! An’ my teddy bear Yammicles an’ all my cash stashed inside him is missin’! A couple zillion dollars of mine is out there somewhere!
F: Zig, we’re safe for now. Let’s get some rest and then we can try an’ figure things out—
G: Fleaglossitty, ya always say you’re gonna figure junk out, but’cha never do!
N: Look, Diroctor Gneeecey, Flea’s right. Let’s get some—
G: An’ who asked yooou, Ig?
N: Uh, that would be Nickooki—ugh—
G: See, Fleaglossitty, another probooblem ya didn’t solve. The Ig is still talkin’ funny—
F: Nicki’s got ooglitis. Infected speech. Jus’ like you, Zig. Nicki, I’ll pull my Murphy bed outta the wall. Zig, you can sleep on my couch here, an’ I’ll sleep on the floor.
N: Aww, Flea, you’re always such a gentootleman—ugh….
G: I stinkin’ forgot how incornvenient this dopey little inefficiency apartment of yours is, Fleaglossitty.
F: Ya wanna leave, Zig? You’re welcome to. There’s the door. I’ll open it for ya.
G: Nah, I’ll stinkin’ sacrifice my great dignity an’ sleep on your lousy, lumpy couch there.
SFX: [Phone Ring] [Electronic Cash Register]
FLEA’S ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGE: Greetings! You have reached Fleaglossitty Floppinsplodge, otherwise known to our great Perswayssick County community as your friendly local canine-humanoid superhero Sooperflea. I ain’t available right now, so please leave your name an’ number at the sound of the beep, an’ I’ll get back to ya, soon as I can. SFX: {Electronic Cash Register]
MALE VOICE: Diroctor Gneeecey, I vant to buy some cryptocurrency. I know vhere you are, and you know vhere I am. I vill be expecting your call. Goodbye. SFX: [Slot Clunk]
G: How does this stinkin’ guy stinkin’ know I’m here? See, this is what I mean, Fleaglossitty—you’re supposed to be figurin’ out an’ solvin’ all my probooblems! What kinda best friend are you?
F: You wanna find out, Zig? I’m the kind that’ll throw ya out, right here an’ now—
N: Guys, guys, c’mon, please! Don’t we have enough probooblems? Ugh….
F: You’re right, Nicki. We do. I’m sorry. Okay, my good human friend, lemme open this bed for ya.
G: Okay, my good human friend, lemme open this bed for ya. Heh hah, heh haah, heh haaah!
N: Let’s just ignore him, Flea.
F: Sounds like a plan, Nicki. SFX: [Electronic Beep] [Comical Boing] Here ya go. Bedding is clean. Ain’t slept here in my own place in a long time. Too busy stayin’ at Zig’s, to help him. SFX: [Household, Bed] Whassamatter, Nicki?
N: Well, Flea, the pillow seems, y’know, a little damp.
F: That’s impossible, Nicki. Like I said, all the bedding is fresh. I haven’t slept here in my own place for the longest.
N: Smells a bit, uh, musty, too. Almost a hint of ammonia. Oh, well, I’m so exhausted, I’ll just turn the pillow over.
F: Gee, Nicki, I’m so sorry.
N: Don’t worry, Flea. I’ll proboobably—ugh—fall asleep as soon as the lights go out.
F. Okay, Zig, here’s a blanket for you. An’ my couch ain’t as lumpy as your head.
G: Oh, yeah?
F: Yeah!
N: Guys! Please!
F: Okay, okay, Nicki. Sorry. An’ Zig, ain’cha gonna take off your shoes?
G: Nah, Fleaglossitty. Like I told ya before, back in my place, I never know when I might gotta run somewheres in the middle of sleepin’. An’ sure enough, I jus’ had to!
F: Whatever. Bad night, everyone. SFX: [Metal Click 4]
N: Bad night, guys.
G: Bad stinkin’ night, youse two. An’ remember, Fleaglossitty! FYI! FYI! Find Yammicles immediately! My bear, my precious stinkin’ teddy bear, filled wit’ lotsa my mon-ney.
SFX: [Cartoon Character Annoyed Crying] [Cartoon Snoring] [Toy Piano Rockabye] [Splash Water 3]
N: Hey! Diroctor Gneeecey! What are you doing in bed with me, on top of my head?
G: Uh, keepin’ ya safe, Ig, keepin’ ya safe! At least I didn’t wet the bed.
N: No, you wet my head! You freakin’ peed on my head! My hair’s wet!
SFX: [Metal Click 4]
F: Oh, Zig!
G: Don’t stinkin’ “Oh Zig” me!
N: Oh, Flea, now I gotta take a shower. It’s four a.m.
F: I’m so sorry, Nicki—
G: Well, thanks for takin’ the blame, Fleaglossitty. What are friends for?
F: I ain’t takin’ the blame, Zig. Nicki, please do feel free to use my shower in there.
N: Thanks, Flea…. SFX: [Door Open] [Door Close] [Shower] [Magic Spell] [Door Open]
N: Well, that sure feels better…. Flea, you don’t hapoopen—ugh—to have a hair dryer, do you?
G: Does he stinkin’ look like he uses a hair dryer wit’ that short, scruffy, black hound fur? Heh haah, heh haaah! My white-an’-black fur is nice an’ smooth!
F: I’m so sorry, Nicki. I don’t have a hair dryer.
N: It’s okay, Flea. My hair will dry on its own…I guess. I’ll go sleep sitting up in that chair over there. At least my clothes didn’t, uh, get wet.
F: Okay, Nicki. Zig, your turn to go in the shower.
G: Why do today what ya can do later? I’m goin’ back to sleep. An’ shaddup before ya start talkin’. I’m too exhaustipated for any philosophoophical discussions.
F: I guess that poor pillow over there in my bed will dry on its own, too. Bad night.
N: Bad night, guys.
G: Bad stinkin’ night, youse two.
SFX: [Metal Click 4] [Cartoon Snoring] [Toy Piano Rockabye] [Door Unlock Key] [Sneakers Squeaking] [Door Open] [Sneakers Squeaking] [Door Close] [Door Lock Key] [Sharp Eerie Logo]
F: Okay, Zig Gneeecey, ya can take that silly paper bag offa your head. You, Nicki, an’ me, we’re safe now, here in my Veggie Burger Avenue apartment.
G: Aw-stinkin’-right, Fleaglossitty. SFX: [Rustling Paper] Didn’t want no one seein’ meee, the Grate Gizzygalumpaggis an’ Quality of Life Commissioner of Perswayssick County takin’ public transpooportation. Don’t wanna wreck my image or detractipate from my dignity.
SFX: [Slip] [Slip and Fall] [Duck Horn]
N, F, & G [in unison]: Holy Saint Bogelthorpe!
N: It’s them! The other three of us—our doubles that were spying on us back at the mansion! They followed us here! And they’re doing and saying everything we did when we got here!
N, F, & G: Let’s get outta here!
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Terror Tension] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell]
We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com.
And thank you for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to tell a friend! And keep on laughing!
Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###