Transcript /Now You See Me, Now You Don’t – Episode 79, written by Vicki Solá.
All content © 2023 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.
Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki, and the gang….
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Fast Circus Loop]
DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY: Help! Fleaglossitty! Help!
SFX: [Donkey] [Duck]
G: Lemme shut the stinkin’ door before that dopey blue donkey ridin’ that stooopid red tricycle an’ that upside-down-flyin’ duck come in the house here!
SFX: [Door Slam]
SOOPERFLEA, AKA FLEA, AKA FLEAGLOSSITTY FLOPPINSPLODGE: Too late, Zig, too late. They’re in.
SFX: [Fast Circus Loop] [Donkey] [Duck]
G: Yeah, Fleaglossitty. You were too slow. Guess it was kinda like lockin’ the horse’s mouth after the barn door escaped. But at least, thank Bogelthorpe, that lousy nine-foot-tall three-armed, three-legged clown Three is too big to come in here.
SFX: [Comical Scary Clown Laughter]
NICKI RODRIGUEZ: Yeah, look out the window there. Three’s riding his unicycle in circles on the front lawn, laughing.
NURSE MAUDLYN: Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
F: And you, Nurse Maudlyn, there ain’t nuthin’ to laugh about! I, Sooperflea, local superhero of Perswayssick County, am orderin’ ya to leave this house—
G: Ya mean mansion, Fleaglossitty!
F: I order ya to leave this mansion! Right now! Immediately!
NM: Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha! I’ll do nothing of the sort. As I said, Doctor Gneeecey—
G: Like I stinkin’ told ya before ya fell on your lopsided bimbus, that’s Diroctor Gneeecey! Do I gotta remindicate ya again, I am the director, y’know, big boss, of this here lousy county in addition to bein’ a dopey doctor! I have authority over yooou an’ that Doctor Frombilagonga!
NM: You do not! And I was not amused when you all laughed after I fell on my bimbus!
F: At least ya didn’t spill your beer when ya fell! Hah, hah, hah!
N: Ha, ha, ha.
NM: Put a sock in it, you three! Like I said before—
F: —before ya fell on your big bimbus—hah, hah, hah—
NM: Shut up, or I’ll shut you up! All three of you! Like I said, I’ll have all three of you readmitted to Florence Ferguson Memorial! Now, Doctor Frombilagonga has written an order prescribing home care for Diroctor Gneeecey here. And like I said before—
F: Before ya fell on your bimbus—hah, hah, hah! Lucky ya didn’t spill your brewsky!
NM: I’m not warning you again! Now, as I report to Doctor Frombilagonga, I am going to give Diroctor Gneeecey home care here in his home whether he wants it or not! And his Purple Pelican insurance has pre-authorized my services.
G: An’ I stinkin’ told ya, that dopey Doctor Frombilagonga’s orders ain’t aplooplicable to meee, the Grate One!
NM: Yes, they are! And I must say, you, who claim to be so important, look so very silly clutching that stuffed teddy bear! Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha!
G: Don’choo dare say nuthin’ ’bout my teddy bear Yammicles! He’s real—he’s faaamily to me!
SFX: [Cell Phone Ring]
G: Igscuzipate me. I taste my smellphone ringin’. Smello?
CALLER: Do you vant to buy some cryptocurrency?
G: Shaaadup! Awready told ya a zillion times, stinkin’ noooo! Don’t stinkin’ call me never again!
NM: My, rude, aren’t we?
G: Y’know, that guy who keeps callin’ me smells a whole lot like Doctor Frombilagonga! Same voice!
NM: Uh, let’s get back to the home care I’m here to administer. Hmmm…. My beer seems to have gone a bit flat…but I guess it will do.
SFX: [Glass Shatter] [Dish Ceramic] [Metal Crash] [Donkey] [Duck] [Bang]
NM: Look at that blue donkey on the red tricycle riding around this living room here knocking expensive things over, and that upside-down-flying duck flying in circles around the ceiling up there—what’s this, a Marx Brothers movie?
F: Maybe he’ll poop in your flat beer! The duck, not one of the Marx Brothers! Hah, hah, hah!
G: Heh hah, heh haah, heh haaah!
F: Ooooh—that look in Nurse Maudlyn’s piercing, narrowed orange eyes is scarin’ me!
NM: As it well should!
F: What’s she takin’ outta her bag there?
NM: I warned you before, I’ve got ways to calm you down if you refuse to cooperate. And that goes for all three of you!
SFX: [Car Engine]
N: What’s that out there?
G: Out where, Ig?
N: Uh, that would be Nicki.
G: Okay, Ig. What’s goin’ on out there? I don’t smell or taste nuthin’.
N: There’s—there’s this—this—thing—
G: Spit it out, Ig, spit it out!
N: This thing just pulled up on our driveway! It—it’s orange and purple, and looks half like a horse and half like a submarine—on wheels! With a periscope up on top!
G: Oh, forgot to tell ya, that periscope’s up there so ya can see out when ya drive! Or, if you’re like me, hear when ya drive.
N: What?
G: I felt kinda bad that it was my fault that your ugliful ’75 Splodge got wrecked when that evil nine-foot-tall clown Three fell on his bimbus, right on top of my garage roof. So, I made a deal wit’ Zeke’s Pizza an’ Transmissions to lend ya this here vehickookle while they either fix yours or, y’know, traaaash it if they can’t fix it.
N: I’m—I’m—I’m supposed to drive that thing? SFX: [Donkey]
G: Now, Ig, don’t brush a gift horse’s teeth! It’ll actually be cheaper to drive than your ol’ Splodge. Runs on alkookohol. Rindom-based alkookohol. Plentiful in these parts since we got so many rindom fields here in Perswayssick County. Ya jus’ go to a local distillery an’ fill up every coupla days.
N: Oh, geez—
SFX: [Door Bell Ring] [Door Pound]
F: I’ll get it, guys. I’ll get it.
SFX: [Door Open]
F: Why, hello, Doctor Idnas and Grandma. It’s real good to see youse both. We got lotsa trouble around here right now!
SFX: [Cuckoo Clock] [Glass Shatter] [Dish Ceramic] [Metal Crash] [Donkey] [Duck] [Comical Scary Clown Laughter]
DOCTOR ALEXANDRA C. IDNAS: I see and hear dat!
THERAPIST INGABORE SCRIBLIG, AKA “GRANDMA”: Yah, you’re not kidding!
G: I smell an’ taste that!
DI: Vee came to check on you all, and as vee drove up here, vee saw dat dere ees a giant spy balloon—shaped like a clown’s head—floating right above Diroctor Gneeecey’s mansion here!
N: Hi, Doctor Idnas. Hi, Grandma. Thank goodness you’re both here. Some really terribooble things are hapoopening here—proboobably because—oh…my…god….
F: Oh, Nicki! Oh no!
G: The Ig, she’s talkin’ all funny, like meeeee! She proboobably got oooglitis—y’know, along wit’ that neurological disorder I got. Redecoritis gives ya that Redecoritis-infected speech!
DI: Oh, Nicki, dis ees most likely due to your exposure to dee toxic substance mierk found all over Persvayssick County, plus your dimension burn from repeated travel, and now, all dees stress!
IS: Yah, Nicki, you are a poster child for stress!
G: Whaddabout meee? Whaddabout meee? Ain’t I a poster child for stress? That’s not fair! I wanna be one, too!
F: Oh, you are, Zig, you are! For bein’ stressed an’ stressin’ others!
G: Didn’t ask yooou, Fleaglossitty. I want a professional opinion!
NM: I’m a professional. I’ll give you an opinion.
DI: And who are you?
NM: I am Nurse Maudlyn, ER, ICU, and Visiting Nurse of Perswayssick County’s Florence Ferguson Memorial Hospital. And I am here on Doctor Shplutnikov Frombilagonga’s orders to administer home care for, uh, Diroctor Gneeecey—
G: Which I don’t stinkin’ need or want!
NM: Put a sock in it!
DI: You vill not speak to a patient of mine like dat! I am Doctor Alexandra C. Idnas, and I am affiliated vit Florence Ferguson Memorial as vell. And I have heard some not-such-good tings about you, Nurse Maudlyn. In fact, I am avare of more dan a few complaints about you.
SFX: [Cuckoo Clock] [Glass Shatter] [Dish Ceramic] [Metal Crash] [Donkey] [Duck] [Comical Scary Clown Laugh]
NM: I—I feel like I’m trapped inside a Fellini film…. I must leave now…. Now you see me, now you don’t!
SFX: [Closing] [Magic Glitter]
N: Holy—
F: —Saint—
G: —Bogelthorpe!
IS: You sure scared her avay, Alexandra!
DI: Yah, Ingabore—de truth must have set her free!
DI & IS [in unison]: Ah, hah, hah, hah, hah!
F: Talk about bein’ trapped—we were trapped in a nightmare!
N: Yeah…and we still are….
SFX: [Cuckoo Clock] [Glass Shatter] [Dish Ceramic] [Metal Crash] [Donkey] [Duck]
G: If that Nurse Maudlyn shows up again, I won’t know if I’m havin’ a nightmare or if it’s really her!
F: Well, this sure wasn’t a dream—it was an actual livin’ nightmare! It was really her! See? Here’s her beer mug!
G: Oh, stinkin’ no!
F: What, Zig, what?
G: Yaaammicles!
F: What about your teddy bear, Yammicles?
G: He’s gone! She musta took him! She stole him! She kidnapped my Yaaaamicles! I smell that he’s missin’! Even taste that he’s missin’!
DI: Please, Diroctor Gneeecey, try and calm down!
IS: Yah, please, Diroctor Gneeecey!
F: Well, Zig, at least she didn’t take your wallet!
G: She did, Fleaglossitty! She stinkin’ did! Yammicles was my wallet! I keep a bunch of my mon-ney stuffed inside him! A coupla zillion bucks in caaash that I was gonna deposit in my Stummix Bank savin’s account!
SFX: [Cartoon Baby] [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell]
We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com.
And thank you for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to tell a friend! And keep on laughing!
Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###