Transcript /Think About Things Differently– Episode 77, written by Vicki Solá.
All content © 2023 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.
Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki, and the gang….
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Doorbell Ring]
NICKI RODRIGUEZ: Oh, that must be Doctor Idnas and Grandma. Wow, they sure got here fast! SFX: [Door Open] Doctor Idnas! Grandma! I can’t thank you both enough for making this special house call.
DOCTOR ALEXANDRA C. IDNAS: Hallo, Nicki. Eet ees our pleasure to be of halp. Vee care greatly about you, Gneeecey, and Sooperflea, don’t vee, Ingabore?
INGABORE SCRIBLIG, AKA “GRANDMA”: Yah, Alexandra, dat ees right. Gneeecey really needs our help now.
DI: Yah. I believe dat vee all can help Gneeecey vit’ his newest problems—you know, smelling and tasting tings he sees and hears, and hearing and seeing tings dat aren’t dere. Vere ees he now?
N: He’s, uh, in the restroom. Flea is standing guard. We don’t think he should ever be left alone as long as this is going on.
IS: Wery vise, Nicki.
DI: Yah, Ingabore ees right. I’m actually vary glad dat vee have a few moments here, you know, to speak privately before Gneeecey comes in dee room. First, you and Sooperflea are right een not leaving him alone. Secondly, let’s try and avoid arguing vit him dat his hallucinations are not real.
N: I’m afraid we’ve been guilty of that, Doctor Idnas.
DI: Vall, no vurries. I’m sure you’re not used to dealing vit such a situation. Now, tirdly, vee vill all make an extra effort to comfort and reassure him. Anxiety ees certainly a trigger.
N: And what about his mixed-up senses—y’know, smelling what he sees and tasting what he hears?
DI: Dat, vee believe, ees a most likely genetically inherited condition called synaestesia.
IS: Yah, the sort of blending of more dan vun sense.
SFX: [Flushing Toilet]
N: Here he and Flea come now.
SFX: [Halloween Spooky & Fun Logo] [Sneakers Squeaking]
DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY: Y’know, Fleaglossitty, I’m still stumped by this stooopid curse word puzzle. Now, what’s a word for “normal,” wit’out the L? Y’know, a girl’s name?
SOOPERFLEA, AKA FLEA, AKA FLEAGLOSSITTY FLOPPINSPLODGE: Ya mean crossword puzzle, Zig. An’ I remember ya havin’ this clue before. In fact, I think you’ve done this whole crossword puzzle before.
G: Who stinkin’ asked ya, Fleaglossitty?
F: You jus’ asked me!
G: Stinkin’ whatever. Now, help me out here. I’m gettin’ real maaad. The lousy clue here says it’s a five-lettered girl’s name!
F: It’s Norma! I keep tellin’ ya, Zig, it’s Norma!
G: Nah, Fleaglossitty. Caaan’t be…hmmmm….yeah…Norma...that’s it—but wait…it’s not normal!
F: It’s not normal—it’s Norma.
G: It’s not normal, Fleaglossitty. What in Bogelthorpe’s name’s wrong wit’cha? It’s only normal to add letters, not to stinkin’ take any away. An’ besides, then eight across, a person who sells propooperty, wit’ a extra syloolable, won’t fit!
F: Don’t get so worked up, Zig. Ain’t worth it.
G: But now “realiltor” won’t fit! I smell that this ain’t right—I even stinkin’ taste it!
F: Oh, Zig—
G: Wait, Fleaglossitty—looky, seven down—a five-lettered girl’s name wit’out a extra L added to its end, to make it the same as three down. . .I’ve got it. . .Norma! Smells better now!
F: Why, hello, Doctor Idnas! And hello, Missus Scriblig!
DI: Hallo Sooperflea.
F: Remember, you can call me Flea.
DI: Okay, Flea eet ees.
IS: And as I alvays tell you, Flea, please just call me Grandma!
F: Thanks, Grandma. We’re so happy to see you and Doctor Idnas.
G: Speak for your stinkin’ self, Fleaglossitty. Graaandma, we’re so hapoopy to see you an’ Doctor Idnas. They say I been hallucinizatin’. I hope youse can help me show them that I ain’t— it’s jus’ in their dopey minds.
DI: Gneeecey—
G: That’s Diroctor Gneeecey, rememboober? I’m a lousy doctor an’ director of this here county!
DI: Sorry. Now, Diroctor Gneeecey, no vun here ees dopey. Vee are all concerned. Vee care about you deeply. Vee are going to try vit you some cognitive behavioral terapy.
G: What’s thaaat?
DI: Vee vill see vhat are your unproductive toughts and den try and replace those toughts vit better ones. Vee vill make a list of deese, together.
IS: Yah, and den vhen you find yourself tinking dees inaccurate toughts, you vill soon learn to replace dem vit dee better vuns. Vee vill try to get you to tink of tings differently.
G: I think I awready do.
DI: Vell, vee vill show you some behavioral techniques dat vill make you a happier person—
G: Ya mean, canine-humanoid. Me an’ Fleaglossitty ain’t huuuman!
F: An’ jus’ statin’, I ain’ the one with the problem!
G: Shaaadup, Fleaglossitty. Now, Doctor Idnas an’ Graaandma, this sounds kinda compooplicated, but I can try an’ give it a try. SFX: [Belch] ’Scuze me, heh, heh. That cross-eyed cheese I listened to for breakfast did sound kinda off. SFX: [Car Engine] An’, uh-oh, hear that car out there?
DI: Yah.
IS: Yah.
G: I think I smell it meltin’!
DI: Vhich brings us to dee odder issue, Diroctor Gneeecey. Your smelling and tasting tings dat you see and hear, dis ees a condition known as synaestesia. Dis ees a genetically inherited—
G: Genetikookically inherited? Possiboobly inherited from my parents Froop an’ Fritzl Gneeecey?
DI: Yah. A genetically inherited phenomenon vhere dere ees a high degree of, you know, interconnectedness betveen dee different parts of your brain—dee parts involved een your sensory stimulus.
G: An’ I got a real big brain, so I proboobably got more of them lousy interconnections!
DI: Dere really ees no cure or treatment for dis condition, you know, smelling and tasting vhat you see and hear, so you vill have to learn to live vit eet. Perhaps, again, you can, to a certain extent, learn to tink about tings differently. I’m tinking dat your seeing tings dat may not be dere, and your synaestesia, may be heightened by your mierk exposure—you know, to dat toxic substance found een abundance here in Persvayssick County—dat caused your neurological disorder called Redecoritis. And eet has been compounded by dee dimension burn and heightened anxiety you have recently experienced so much of.
G: Yeah, My stinkin’ anxieties are gettin’ taller by the minute, jus’ like that lousy tree out there in the backyard. The one who stares at me a lot an’ even runs after me sometimes.
IS: Vell, Diroctor Gneeecey, vee are going to do our best to improve your life. Vee vill give you terapy, and Doctor Idnas has doubled your dose of Bumpex. Now, are you sleeping vell?
G: Yeah, when I sleep well.
IS: Okay. Vee are now going to try a vurd association exercise to relax you.
SFX: [Helicopter]
G: No offense, Graaandma, but how can exercisin’ relax anyone? I’m gonna put on some priddy music to help me relax. It’ll make me stop tastin’ the helicopter I smell flyin’ outside.
IS: Wery good, Diroctor Gneeecey. Put on your music, sit in dat big chair of yours, and relax. Den vee vill begin our vurd association exercise.
SFX: [Metal Click 4] [Plight of the Goonafish]
G: Ah, Zirbert Shriekensobb’s “Plight of the Goonafish.” That’s the recordin’ of me playin’ voaline an’ Fleaglossitty here playin’ piano. Don’t it stink swell?
IS: Alrightsky, Diroctor Gneeecey. Sit down, close your eyes, and vhen I say a vurd, you say the vurd eet makes you tink of.
G: But if I close my eyes, how do ya stinkin’ expect me to see what you’re sayin’? Even if ya talk brighter, I won’t see what you’re sayin’!
IS: Alrightsky den. Keep your eyes open eef dat helps. Let us begin. Here ees dee first vurd. Fall.
G: Bimbus.
IS: Spring.
G: Boing! An’ I can do a priddy mean imitation of a spring springin’! SFX: [Comedy Boing]
IS: Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha! Pretty good if I say so myself! Next vurd ees love. Love.
G: Mon-ney.
IS: Umbrella.
G: Stomach.
IG: Bird.
G: Brain.
IS: Table.
G: Blimp. Or dinosaur.
IS: Dime.
G: Sneeze. I sneeze ’em out, y’know! Ah, hah, hah, fiduciary! SFX: [Clinking Coins]
IS: Alrightsky. Next vurd ees share. Share.
G. Never.
IS: Expert.
G: Meee.
IS: Clock.
G: Cuckoo.
IS: Avoid.
G: Lendin’ mon-ney.
IS: Friends.
G: Dopey.
IS: Hungry.
G: Boiled athletic socks.
IS: Failure.
G: Everyone else.
IS: Closet.
G: Where monsters hide.
IS: Bed.
G: Monsters hide under thaaat, too. An’ baaad men!
IS: Horse.
G: Spaghetti.
IS: Vurk.
G: Underpants.
IS: Bathing.
G: Unnecessary.
IS: Scary.
G: Clowns. An’ walkin’ trees!
IS: Hear.
G. Smell.
IS: See.
G: Taste.
SFX: [Snoring]
DI: Vell, Ingabore, eet sounds like you have certainly succeeded een causing Diroctor Gneeecey to relax.
IS: Yah, Alexandra. And his responses vere wery interesting.
DI: Yah, they vere indeed. Vee vill let him sleep now.
N: It’s so peaceful right now.
F: Yeah. Silence really is golden.
IS: Yah. Eet ees so qviet dat you could hear a pin drop!
SFX: [Cartoon Slip] [Slip and Fall] [Boing] [Duck Horn] [A Car Crash] [Explosion]
G: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
DI: Vhat vas dat?
IS: Oh my goodness!
N: Holy—
F: —Saint Bogelthorpe!
G: Did youse all taste thaaat?
N: We, uh, heard it!
DI & IS [in unison]: Yah!
G: C’mon youse guys—that bright smell came from over there—by the kitchen window!
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking]
IS: Look at dat!
DI: I vouldn’t believe dis eef I didn’t see eet vit my own eyes!
F: That lousy nine-foot-tall, three-armed, three-legged clown named Three—he—
N: He’s back, and he—he—
G: He fell on his bimbus—right on top of my garage!
SFX: [Comical Scary Clown Laughter]
G: An’ I smell him sittin’ there—an’ I taste him laughin’!
SFX: [Comical Scary Clown Laughter] [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger]
SFX: [Magic Spell]
We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com.
And thank you for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to tell a friend! And keep on laughing!
Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###