“Shattered Perceptions & Self-deceptions” – Episode 76
Gneeecey is smelling and tasting things he sees and hears, and hearing and seeing things that aren’t there. Nicki has a real problem on her hands!
We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sandi Solá, Sal Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean and Sammie for being generous supporting members via BuyMeACoffee.com! We appreciate their sponsorship and support more than words can say!
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Transcript /Shattered Perceptions & Self-deceptions – Episode 76, written by Vicki Solá.
All content © 2023 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.
Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki, and the gang….
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Halloween Spooky & Fun Logo] [Cuckoo Clock]
NICKI RODRIGUEZ: Wow, look what time it is already! We’d better get going!
DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY: Yeah, Ig—
N: Uh, that would be Nick—
G: Yeah, Ig, okay. Good thing ya slept fast last night like I suggesticated ya do.
N: I spent most of the night tossing and turning. Couldn’t stop thinking of my first day of work at your GAS Broadcast Network and—
G: An’ today’s gonna be your last day if ya make us late again!
G: Hay is for horses. Now let’s go, Ig! It’s our first day back to the office after all that holiday junk—y’know, wit’ them ghosts bustin’ in, an’ all that stuff ’bout them tapes wit’ my most embarrassin’ moments bein’ intercepticated—
SOOPERFLEA, AKA FLEA, AKA FLEAGLOSSITTY FLOPPINSPLODGE: Zig, like I told ya last night, as your best friend an’ as your local superhero, I am gonna find out who’s behind this. I am gonna find out who’s fixin’ to blackmail ya.
G: That’s the very stinkin’ least ya can do, Fleaglossitty, after you and the Ig made it possibooble for my most embarrassin’ moments to be transmitted an’ hacked—
F: Don’t you ever, extra-never, nebberd-kinnezzard, like we say on our Planet Eccchs, forget, Zig Gneeecey, it was you, as Perswayssick County’s Grate Gizzygalumpaggis, who ordered them inferior, second-rate electronical devices for us Superhero Academy graduates that made the hackin’ possible.
G: Awstinkin’right, Fleaglossitty, but you an’ the Ig still bear some responsiboobability!
F: We weren’t responsible for you doin’ all them embarrassin’ things in the first place—you’re deceivin’ yourself if ya don’t take responsibility for at least that! Self-deception, y’know, Zig?
N: C’mon, guys—please! We went through all this last night! Now, let’s go, Diroctor Gneeecey—we’re gonna be late!
G: Yeah, Ig, you’re right—you’re gonna make us late! I gotta get to the office an’ clean up all the glass an’ order new windows, y’know, after them ghosts busted through—y’know, the one wearin’ festive holiday underpants on his head an’ that other one wearin’ a terlit plunger on his head wit’ purpoople tinsel streamin’ outta the top of its wood handle. They broke my windows!
F: Nicki and I saw your office windows, remember? Your windows ain’t shattered! It’s your perceptions that are shattered, makin’ ya think that! You’re sufferin’ from shattered perceptions!
G: You tryin’ to say I’m sufooferin’ from emotional instaboobability, Fleaglossitty?
N: Look, Diroctor Gneeecey, Flea and I both saw your office windows, and they are not broken!
G: Ya stinkin’ sayin’ I was hallucinazatin’?
SFX: [Cuckoo Clock]
N: I sure hope this day isn’t gonna be as bad as my first day of work was…. C’mon, Diroctor Gneeecey, let’s go! See you later, Flea!
F: Bye, guys. Have a not-bad day!
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Car Engine] [Car Horns]
G: Ig! Ig! Drive more carefoofally! Ya gonna get us seriously kilt! Don’cha hear all them horns?
N: I hear an occasional horn beeping, but not at us. Nothing out of the ordinary. Relax, will ya?
SFX: [A Car Crash]
N: What is wrong with you?
G: Didn’t ya smell that crash?
N: What crash? I didn’t see—or smell—any crash!
G: I stinkin’ smelled it—I even tasted it!
N: Diroctor Gneeecey, are you all right? I mean—
G: Yeah, Ig. I’m awright. At least I ain’t noseblind. I can see what I’m smellin’ an’ smell what I’m seein’, an’ I can even taste it.
G: Jus’ get me to the office so I can clean up all that busted glass an’ order new windows.
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Squeaking Sneakers] [Belch]
G: ’Scuze me, Ig, heh, heh. Must be that jackass meat sandwich I listened to for breakfast.
N: Diroctor Gneeecey, when we get to the office, I’m calling Doctor Idnas.
G: That’s not your job, Ig. Your job is to listen to me. Do I gotta say it again, brighter?
N: Diroctor Gneeecey—
G: Jus’ get on the lousy elevator. We’re gonna be late. Gettin’ late tastes baaad.
SFX: [Elevator Chime] FEMALE ROBOTIC VOICE: Two-hundred-fiftieth floor.
G: C’mon, Ig, let’s go!
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Door Open] [Door Slam 2]
G: Ig, put on the light here.
N: It is on.
G: Nope, Ig, the darkness in here is so bright it’s hurtin’ my ears!
G: Don’t “Diroctor” me. Jus’ put on more lights.
N: Okay. Whatever you say…. SFX: [Metal Click x 3] It’s kind of chilly in here, don’t ya think?
G: No, Ig. Ya would think with all these busted windows that it would be cold in here, but it’s actually freezin’ hot! Freezin’ icy boilin’ hot! I’m turnin’ on the ceilin’ fan!
N: No—Diroctor Gneeecey—don’t turn on the ceiling fan—please—
G: Didn’t hear wha’cha jus’ said. Say it again, brighter.
N: I said, don’t turn on that ceiling fan—please—it’s not—
SFX: [Metal Click] [Ceiling Fan]
N: Oh geez…. I’m freezing now. And not freezing hot! Freezing cold!
G: It’s gotta be them busted windows, Ig, lettin’ in all that cold air…. Y’know, somethin’ ain’t right here…. I can practically hear it….
SFX: [Logo – Eerie Sharp Scary] [Male Scream 3]
G: Did ya hear thaaat?
N: Hear what?
G: A man screamin’!
G: Now a lady jus’ screamed!
SFX: [Male Scream 3] [Scream] [Body Fall, Human]
G: Now they’re both screamin’! An’ I heard a body fallin’! Proboobably a dead body!
N: Diroctor Gneeecey, I don’t hear anyone screaming! And no one’s falling! It’s all in your mind—like Flea said, your perceptions are at fault—
G: I don’t wanna hear anything that dope Fleaglossitty says.
N: This is even worse than that night we were locked up in that little room—on Planet HyenaZitania. I’m calling Doctor Idnas.
G: Don’t you stinkin’ daaare! I’ll deny that I smelled anything you said! Now, I gotta use the bathroom. When I’m nervous, I gotta use the bathroom more.
SFX: [Glass Debris]
G: An’ looky how I gotta walk through all this busted glaaass. Hear it, Ig? SFX: [Glass Debris]
N: No, Diroctor, I don’t.
G: Don’t get intelligent wit’ meee, Ig. I should send a bill to them two ghosts, but bein’ they’re ghosts, their addresses are proboobably invisible, too!
N: I’m looking at your windows, and they are not broken. And there is no glass on the floor.
G: Gotta use the bathroom. Hope there ain’t no ghosts waitin’ for me in there….
SFX: [Glass Debris] [Door Open] [Door Slam]
N: [whispers] Now’s my chance to call Doctor Idnas.
SFX: [Phone Dialing] [Dial Tone]
DOCTOR ALEXANDRA C. IDNAS: Hallo, Doctor Idnas speaking…. Nicki, is everyting all right?
N: Oh, Doctor Idnas, thank goodness I reached you. No, everything’s not all right. Gneeecey didn’t want me to call you. He’s in the bathroom right now, so I have to be quick!
DI: Okay, Nicki! Please tell me, vhat ees wrong?
N: Doctor, he’s smelling and tasting things that he sees and hears, and hearing and seeing things that aren’t there! This is worse than that time I told you about on Planet HyenaZitania!
DI: Faulty perceptions! Eet sounds like his neurological condition, you know, his case of Redecoritis, ees vursening. Unfortunately, I have been avay, on holiday een Booolabeeezia. I am on my vay back now but do not expect to arrive home until tomorrow. I vould suggest in dee meantime dat you bring him to Florence Ferguson Hospital’s ER.
N: Oh, Doctor Idnas, Gneeecey will never agree to go back there—not after the bad experience the three of us—y’know, he, Flea, and I had there recently.
DI: Vall, in dee meantime, until I return, I vould suggest dat he doubles his dose of Bumpex.
N: Okay, Doctor. We have some extra meds here in the office—in his desk drawer.
SFX: [Flushing Toilet]
N: Uh-oh, gotta go, Doctor Idnas! Thank’s so much—we’ll see you tomorrow, then!
SFX: [Door Open] [Glass Debris]
G: Smelled ya talkin’ to someone, Ig! Who were ya talkin’ to?
N: I…uh…was…uh…talking to myself! Maybe you, uh, even heard me thinking!
G: Yeah, proboobably that’s what I tasted, too.
N: So, I, uh, was thinking that maybe if you, y’know, temporarily double your dosage of Bumpex, it—it might help!
G: I ain’t bumpin’ up my Bumpex. Not wit’out Doctor Idnas smellin’ me to.
N: Well, let me call her then!
N: You are impossible!
G: Whaaaat? I jus’ tasted ya callin’ me impossibooble!
N: No—uh, no….
G: Well, stop talkin’ so bright. Your voice is hurtin’ my eyes! Now, lemme go walk through all this busted up, shattered glaaass an’ check the damage to my windows here!
SFX: [Glass Debris]
N: Diroctor Gneeecey, the windows are not broken. There is no damage!
G: Shaaadup, Ig—now you’re makin’ me feel cold—boilin’ cold!
N: It’s your stupid big ceiling fan up there that’s making both of us feel cold—freezing cold!
SFX: [Wind, Scary Howling]
G: It’s all that wind howlin’ through the busted windows! Can’cha taste it?
N: Oh, gee, c’mon, Diroctor Gneeecey—there are no busted windows and no howling winds!
G: Quiet, Ig, you’re still hurtin’ my eyes! Uh-oh…oh, stinkin’ no! Stinkin’, stinkin’ nooooooo!
SFX: [Terror Tension]
N: What? What? What now?
G: They’re all laughin’ at me!
SFX: [Evil Clown Laugh 6] [Comical Scary Clown] [Audience Laughing]
N: Who? Who’s laughing at you?
G: Them! Clowns—an’ ya know I’m scared of clowns! An’ a whole gigaaantical audience, too!
G: Can’cha smell ’em, Ig? Can’cha taste ’em? Guess not, wit’ your dopey, faulty, inferior huuuman percepooptions! Talk ’bout self-decepooption! I haaate when people laugh at me!
SFX: [Cell Phone Ring]
G: Answer your phone, Ig—it’s givin’ me brain-freeze, like ice cream or a frozen popoopsicle!
N: Hello? Flea!
F: Hi, Nicki. Jus’ a quick call here to let’cha know that I thought some laugh therapy might help Zig!
F: Zig an’ me been best friends since childhood, back on Planet Eccchs.
N: Yeah, Flea, I know that.
F: So, jus’ to show there’s no hard feelin’s, I hired a laugh therapist to come cheer Zig up.
N: Oh, Flea, I—I understand you’re just trying to help, but I really don’t think it’s such a good idea right now. Things are really kind of—kind of—
F: Can’t hear ya, Nicki—I’m drivin’ through a tunnel—I’m losin’ ya! Anyway, the laugh therapist is already on his way to Zig’s office. Should be there any minute! Bye—see youse guys at home tonight!
SFX: [Door Pound]
G: I taste someone knockin’ on my door. It’s makin’ me hungry! Starvin’ hungry!
N: Uh—you stay right there, Diroctor Gneeecey—I’ll go get the door!
G: No, ya lousy Ig! It’s my stinkin’ door—I smell it, too! I’ll get it!
SFX: [Door Open] [Human Laugh x 2]
N: Oh. My. God….
G: Clowns! Stinkin’ two of ’em! Laughin’ at me!
N: I only see one—and he’s not a clown! He’s a laugh therapist—
SFX: [Human Laugh x 2] [Cartoon Slip] [Slip and Fall] [Duck Horn]
G: The two of ’em jus’ made me fall on my bimbus! I’m stinkin’ noseblind now—can’t even hear what I’m smellin’!
SFX: [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger]
F: To be continued!
SFX: [Magic Spell]
We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com.
And thank you for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to tell a friend! And keep on laughing!
Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###