Transcript /Plan B – Episode 74, written by Vicki Solá.
All content © 2023 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.
Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki, and the gang….
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Sneakers Squeaking]
DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY: Here I stinkin’ am, meee, the Grate One. Meee, Diroctor Bizzig “Zig” Gneeecey, wastin’ my precious energy walkin’ back an’ forth here in my office, pacin’ around wonderin’…was that ghost real—y’know, the one wearin’ festive holiday underpants on his head or was he jus’ a figment of that expired jackass meat sandwich I had for lunch, y’know, to save mon-ney….
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking]
G: An’ did I really wear that pair of boxin’ shorts on my head an’ fly wit’ him through my office window here? If we busted in an’ out through this here window, well, it musta haaad to break. I don’t go for his explanation that it ain’t really broke. An’ that it’s only my dopey faulty perceptions or somethin’ misleadin’ me. Mus’ be some kinda hallucination I’m havin’. Y’know, due to my nervological disorder, Redecoritis—I’m seein’ an’ hearin’ things that ain’t there. Lemme call my nervologist Doctor Idnas an’ my therapoopist Grandma. Lucky for me, they got the same office, so I only gotta make one lousy call.
SFX: [Phone] [Dial Tone]
DOCTOR ALEXANDRA C. IDNAS: Hallo, you’ve reached dee office of Doctor Alexandra Idnas….
INGABORE SCRIBLIG, AKA “GRANDMA’: And terapist Ingabore Scriblig, also known as Grandma….
DI: Our office ees currently closed for dee Grimace and New Year holiday. Eef dis ees an actual emergency, please call three, three, three, or go directly to Florence Ferguson Memorial Hospital’s emergency room. Merry Grimace!
IS: And Happy New Year!
SFX: [Bang]
G: Ain’t never no one around when ya need ’em! There should always be availavoolability, even durin’ holidays, wit’ people like them! Looks like I’ll hafta figure this all out, my stinkin’ self!
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking]
G: An’ that lousy ghost said he’s a reflection of my shadow side… how can a shadow have a stinkin’ reflection? An’ did we really fly over Perswayssick City to Fleaglossitty’s dopey little Veggie Burger Avenue efficiency apartment where he an’ the lousy Earth Ig were discussin’ how they betrayed me on purpose by accident? Well, I ain’t never gonna forgive them two or even ever feel guilty like that stinkin’ make-believe only possiboobly real ghost wants me to. Nebberd-kinnezzard, like we say on our Planet Eccchs. Ain’t my stinkin’ fault if Fleaglossitty’s stooopid sophistiphoosticated electronical device that receives an’ transmits signals, the one he got when he graduated from our Perswayssick superhero academy, it fell into the Ig’s handbag an’ paired up wit’ her stooopid sophistiphoosticated electronical watch an’ then Sooperflea’s device’s dopey signal got hacked. Them two are totally responsible for my most embarrassin’ moments bein’ recorded an’ me bein’ blackmailed! I ain’t responsible for bad stuff hapoopenin’ to meee! I am always jus’ a lousy innocent victim of circookumstances! Stinkin’ always!
SFX: [Cell Phone Ring]
G: Stinkin’ yeah, who is it?
ALTITUDE: Me, boss. Altitude.
G: Is that really you, Altitude?
A: Yeah. Y’know, me, your Gneeezle’s delivery mouse?
G: Don’t get intelligent wit’ me. Whaddaya want?
A: Jus’ callin’ to give ya a heads-up, boss.
G: ’Bout stink’ whaaat, mouse?
A: We’re gonna have some serious competition real soon!
G: Compoopetition? Whaddaya mean, mouse? What’cha talkin’ ’bout?
A: Word has it, another real rich guy like you jus’ bought that big buildin’ right across the street from our Gneeezle’s here. An’ he’s turnin’ it into a restaurant! One called Rasputin’s Revenge!
G: I, me, Perswayssick County’s Grate Gizzygalumpaggis an’ Quality of Life Commissioner didn’t never authorizizate no one to buy that propooperty!
A: Ya did, boss, last week. Y’know, when as Grate Gizzy, you yourself signed off on that special exemption measure so we could rebuild an’ beautify Perswayssick City’s business district faster, y’know, after all, them monster kangaroos ya invented by accident busted up half our buildings? Happy New Year, boss!
SFX: [Bang] [Blow on Table] [Spooky Hollow Fear] [Cartoon Slip] [Slip and Fall] [Duck Horn]
G: Altitude jus’ made me fall on my lousy bimbus! Uh-oh…. Ah, hah, haah, fiduciary!
SFX: [Clinking Coins]
G: I’m allergic to baaad news!
SFX: [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell] [Sad Strings]
NICKI RODRIGUEZ: Flea, even though you and I are responsible for these embarrassing recordings—and we had no idea whatsoever that anything like that was happening—I think that you and I should at least go offer an apology to Gneeecey.
SOOPERFLEA, AKA FLEA, AKA FLEAGLOSSITTY FLOPPINSPLODGE: I agree, Nicki. It’s the right thing to do.
N: Yep…. Even if he doesn’t accept our apology, at least we’re doing the right thing.
F: Yeah…. At least we’re trying….
N: Should we drive back to his mansion, then?
F: Y’know, Nicki, my superhero ESP is indicatin’ that he’s on Edgar Vompt Boulevard. In his GAS Broadcast Network office.
N: Okay, c’mon!
F: Let’s go!
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Door Slam] [Magic Spell] [Sneakers Squeaking]
G: I’m still stinkin’ tryin’ to figure all this out. Ain’t got time for make-believe, possibly real ghosts to make me feel rotten an’ guilty! Now I got even more trouble!
SFX: [Glass Shatter] [Glass Debris] [Eerie Sharp Scary Logo]
G: Yaaaaaaaaah! Another stinkin’ ghost! That other one—the one wearin’ them festive holiday underpants on his head—he said I was only gonna be visited by one stinkin’ ghost! Said there wasn’t no budget for more of ’em. So, who in Saint Bogelthorpe’s name are yooou?
GHOST 2: My name is Plan B. Your other ghost, Mister Underpants Head, had an emergency, so he sent me in his place. Sorry to scare ya.
G: Ya look jus’ like meee except you’re wearin’ a lousy terlit plunger on your head, wit’ sparkly purple Grimace tinsel streamin’ out of its wooden handle!
G2: I look like you because I’m a reflection of you and all that you refuse to take responsibility for.
G: What is the purpoopose of your visit?
G2: I won’t be here long. I just wanted to tell you something about that sophisticated electronic device issued to your best friend, your fellow canine-humanoid, Fleaglossitty Floppinsplodge, y’know, Sooperflea, when he graduated from the superhero academy.
G: Yeah. So, what about it?
G2: The silver pin-like transmitting-receiving device was faulty. Defective encryption. Easily hacked.
G: Stinkin’ yeah. Evoovidently. Not my fault!
G2: I hate to bring you this news, but you do bear responsibility here….
G: Meee? How do I bear any stinkin’ responsiboobability? I’m the lousy victim here!
G2: Are you not Grate Gizzygalumpaggis of Perswayssick County? Are you not county Quality of Life Commissioner? Do you not, as leader of Perswayssick County, make all of its decisions and laws?
G: Stinkin’ yeah to all of that. I am the leader! I rule everything around here!
G2: Well, to cut expenses, you ordered the cheapest possible electronic devices for the Perswayssick Superhero Academy’s graduates! You nixed providing them with the more expensive but better-quality devices in favor of the cheaper, lower-quality ones manufactured in Booolabeeezia by BlunderBuxxComm.
G: Heh, heh….I mighta done that…but still, it all ain’t my fault!
G2: You must learn to take responsibility for your actions.
G: I am puttin’ underpants on my head now. My Stummix Bank underpants—y’know, the ones dotted wit’ dimes that Stummix Bank gave me for bein’ such a good customer! An’ I am gonna fly out this stinkin’ window an’ find that first ghost an’ give him a piece of my dopey mind!
G2: You will not.
G: I stinkin’ will not not!
SFX: [Door Open] [Sneakers Squeaking]
F: Zig!
N: Diroctor Gneeecey!
F: There he is, jus’ like my superhero ESP indicated, back at my place! Wearin’ underpants on his head!
N: And talking to himself.
G: I am not talkin’ to myself, youse two Iggleheimers? Don’cha see the ghost there? The one wearin’ a lousy terlit plunger on his head, wit’ purpoople sparkly Grimace streamers stickin’ out of the wood handle?
N: No.
F: No, Zig, we do not.
G2: I must go now. There is hope for you, Diroctor Zig Gneeecey. That’s why we bothered to visit you. Us ghosts are very busy, especially at this time of year. Goodbye!
SFX: [Closing] [Glass Shatter] [Glass Debris]
G: Looky! Didn’t ya hear him say goodbye? Didn’t ya jus’ see him fly out this closed window? Didn’t ya hear the glass shatter?
N: No.
F: No, Zig, we did not hear or see any of that. An’ why are ya wearin’ underpants on your head?
G: I don’t have none of them fancy, stylish briefs decorated wit’ them beaudiful Grimace holiday designs—y’know, purple rubber wallets an’ glitter-sprayed dead rubber chickens—like that first ghost had. But these Stummix Bank underpants of mine will permit me to fly out this lousy window an’ go find that first ghost an’ give him a piece of my mind! I’m gonna go catch that second ghost, too! The one who said I was cheap an’ totally at fault for your stooopid sophistiphoosticated electronical device bein’ defective an’ causin’ all them recordin’s of my embarrassin’ moments to be made! He must be scared of me—he jus’ flew out the window!
F: Zig, the window ain’t broken. It’s jus’ your faulty perceptions…. Please, Zig, don’t look at me like that—you’re scarin’ me!
N: And you’re not jumping out of any windows to go looking for anybody, either!
G: An’ what are youse two Iggleheimers doin’ here after I banished youse? I got lotsa big problems now! Besides bein’ blackmailed ’cause of these dopey recordings, I jus’ been informed that a Rasputin’s Revenge Restaurant is openin’ up right across the street from my stinkin’ Gneeezle’s Restaurant! Right on stinkin’ Murgatroyd Avenue! I don’t know what I’m gonna do! SFX: [Cartoon Character Annoyed Crying] Now, what are youse two Iggleheimers doin’ here on my propooperty?
N: Diroctor Gneeecey, we—we came here to apologize to you.
F: Yeah, Zig, to say we are so sorry. It’s our fault that these recordings exist an’—
G: I know, Fleaglossitty. The first ghost, the one wearin’ them festive holiday underpants, me an’ him flew to your apartment on Veggie Burger Avenue—not ’cause I wanted to. An’ we heard an’ saw youse two Iggleheimers discoverin’ that your sophistiphoosticated electronical device that receives an’ transmits signals, the one ya got when ya graduated from our Perswayssick superhero academy, it fell into the Ig’s lousy handbag an’ then paired up wit’ her stooopid, sophistiphoosticated electronical watch an’ then your device’s dopey signal got hacked… an’… an’….
F: An’ what, Zig?
SFX: [Cartoon Character Annoyed Crying]
G: An’ I’m really kinda responsibooble for my own misery here ’cause I’m the Iggleheimer. To cut expenses, I ordered the cheapest possible electronic devices for youse Perswayssick Superhero Academy graduates! Instead of the good-quality ones, I ordered the cheaper, low-quality ones made in Booolabeeezia… y’know, by BlunderBuxxComm. To save mon-ney! SFX: [Cartoon Character Annoyed Crying]
F: Oh, Zig….
N: Oh, gee, Diroctor Gneeecey…. Well, it did take courage for you to tell us the truth just now.
G: Thanks, Ig….
N: Uh, that would be Nicki. Now, the three of us are like family.
F: The three of us are family!
G: Youse guys are right. We are family. I want youse guys to come back home to my mansion. An’ Ig, I unfire ya. From my GAS Broadcast Network an’ your part-time job at my Gneeezle’s Restaurant. Guess I kinda learned that I ain’t always not not wrong….
N & F [in unison]: Thanks!
N: Now, Diroctor Gneeecey, none of us are ever always right or always wrong. And we’re here for you—we’re here for each other—no matter what comes our way in this new year!
F: We’ll deal wit’ whatever comes our way together! Always!
G: Thanks, guys! I’ll drink to that, over some nice hot fermented Slog wit’ extra pulp!
F: Got some right here! We brought it, to go along wit’ our apology!
N: To family!
F: To family!
G: To family!
SFX: [Auld Lang Syne] [Magic Spell]
We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com.
And thank you for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to tell a friend! And keep on laughing!
Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###