A Brief Encounter

“A Brief Encounter” – Episode 73

A ghost wearing festive holiday underpants on his head appears in Gneeecey’s office, scaring the bejeebers out of the canine-humanoid. 

Meanwhile, having been thrown out of Gneeecey’s mansion right before the Grimace holiday, Sooperflea and Nicki mope around the superhero’s Veggie Burger Avenue efficiency apartment, devastated. They’d never betray Gneeecey…but they have…unwittingly. 

We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sandi Solá, Sal Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean and Sammie for being generous supporting members via BuyMeACoffee.com! We appreciate their sponsorship and support more than words can say! 

https://buymeacoffee.com/Perswayssick (Please support us with a one-time gift or monthly sponsorship amount—various levels available—to help keep us coming to you via BuyMeACoffee.com! We’ll shout you out during our podcast episodes and in our show notes here, plus supply you with more fun perks!)  

https://www.amazon.com/Vicki-Sola/e/B07J29RVMQ (Amazon Author Page, check out our Gneeecey/Nicki e-books and paperbacks!)

https://www.nfreads.com/interview-with-author-vicki-sola/ (Interview with Vicki Solá)

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And many thanks to disproportionately cool artist Jay Hudson for our podcast logo! https://yojayhudson.com/

This Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy podcast is made possible in part by a generous grant from The Ardelle Institute, providing Executive Coaching for aspiring and established professionals who want to develop their careers, including upwardly-mobile executives, professionals who may be in between jobs, and college graduates transitioning to the workforce. The Ardelle Institute helps with resumes, cover letters, LinkedIn profiles, interview skills, and effective job search strategies.  For more information, please call (201) 394-6939, that's (201) 394-6939, or visit them on the web at ardelle-institute.com, that's A-R-D-E-L-L-E dash institute dot com. Take it from me, Gneeecey!

Transcript

Transcript /A Brief Encounter– Episode 73, written by Vicki Solá. 

All content © 2022 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. 

Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki, and the gang….

DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY:  Yaaaaaaaaah! A Ghost! A real ghost! I said, get outta here! SFX: [Blow on Table] Ow—ya made me hurt my haaand! Do you know who I am? I, me, Diroctor Bizzig “Zig” Gneeecey, the Grate Gizzygalumpaggis of this whole lousy Perswayssick County, stinkin’ order ya to get outta my lousy office! Now!

GHOST: I cannot! I am the ghost of your own behavior, my canine-humanoid friend! Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha! Merry Grimace!

G: You ain’t my friend, an’ I’m gonna call security right now! Where’s my dopey stooopid phone?

GHOST: In your top right desk drawer. To the left, underneath a bunch of overdue invoices.  

G: How did ya stinkin’ know thaaat?

GHOST: You’re about to find out how much I really know! Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha!

SFX: [Door Open] [Rustling papers] [Phone] [Dial Tone]

G: Security! Pick up! Security—I say, stinkin’ pick up—

SECURITY: Security here…. Diroctor Gneeecey?

G: Haaalp! Haaalp! Send a buncha guys up here to my office, right now! There’s a ghost in here—a real live ghost, an’ he’s wearin’ festive holiday underpants on his head! Haaalp! Haaalp!

GHOST: Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha!

SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Door Open] [Sneakers Squeaking]

G: He’s over there—the ghost!

SECURITY 1 & 2: [in unison] Where? 

SECURITY 3: Diroctor Gneeecey, we don’t see anyone here except you.

GHOST: Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha!

G: Can’cha hear him? 

SECURITY 1 & 2: [in unison] Nope.

SECURITY 3: A little too much fermented holiday slog, Diroctor Gneeecey?

G: Stinkin’ get outta here, all of youse! Guess I’ll hafta deal wit’ this circookumstantial situational situation myself! Don’t know what I pay youse guys for! An’ don’t any of youse tell no one ’bout this, or you’re all fired! All three of youse! Now, git!

SECURITY 1, 2, & 3: [in unison] Merry Grimace!

G: Stinkin’ get out!

SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Door Slam] 

G: Now, looky here! Let’s get something straight! I don’t believe in ya! Ya ain’t real!

GHOST: Then why are you talking to me? 

G: Why yoooou—SFX [Blow on Table]—ow! My fist went right through ya an’ hit the wall—real hard!

GHOST: Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha!

G: It ain’t funny! Now, why are yooou here?

GHOST: I told you before, I am the ghost of your own behavior! If you don’t like me—

G: I stinkin’ don’t! 

GHOST: If you don’t like me, it is merely because I am a reflection of your shadow side. Your enlightened shadow side who must correct you before it is too late! 

G: I think ya got the wrong guy. I think ya want Ebegneeezer Gesundheit Eeeceygnay. Y’know, my double from Planet HyenaZitania?

GHOST: Your lookalike?

G: Yeah, my hideous lookalike.

GHOST: I am not here for him. I am here for you! You must change your ways before it is too late! You have been heading in the wrong direction at supersonic speed!

G: I resembooble your assessment of my lousy character! Now, get outta here. I really don’t believe in ya. The security guys didn’t see or hear ya. I still think you’re jus’ a figment of that expired jackass meat sandwich I had for lunch! It tasted kinda off, but I didn’t wanna waste it!

GHOST: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH! SFX: [Explosion] [A Car Crash]

G: Awright! Awright! Awstinkin’right! Whadda ya want from me awready? Are ya gonna try an’ tell me it’s nicer to be nice or somethin’ stooopid like thaaat? 

GHOST: I’m going to show you—

G: Ya gonna show me all the baaad, selfish, rotten things I done in my life?

GHOST: No, this podcast episode isn’t long enough for that! You should be pleased—we’ll be skipping so much of the bad stuff! Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

G: Don’t get intelligent wit’ me!

GHOST: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH! SFX: [Explosion] [A Car Crash] [Bang]

G: Awright! Awright! Awstinkin’right!

GHOST: I’m glad you’ve calmed down. 

G: Can I ask ya a question? 

GHOST: Sure.

G: Why are ya wearin’ them festive holiday underpants—y’know, them briefs—on your head? 

GHOST: They are magic underpants. They enable me to fly.

G: I thought ghosts could fly anywhere they wanted.

GHOST: Not while they still carry the weight of their earthly deeds! I will help you avoid this fate, and by doing this, free myself! 

G: An’ how are ya gonna do thaaat, Mister Know-It-All?

GHOST: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH! SFX: [Explosion] [A Car Crash]

G: Awright! Awright! Awstinkin’right! Ya don’t hafta shout! 

GHOST: You and I are taking a little trip together. I have an extra pair of underpants for you. Here. Put them on your head, and you will be able to fly, too. 

G: I can’t stinkin’ fly! I ain’t Sooperflea! My friend Fleaglossitty—y’know, Sooperflea—can fly. I ain’t gonna go break my neck or bust my awready busted bimbus—

GHOST: Put them on!

G: Awright! Awright! Awstinkin’right! Oh, look at these! Crummy ol’ plain borin’ white boxers! How come I get these lousy rags, but you get to wear them stylish briefs decorated wit’ them beaudiful Grimace holiday designs—y’know, purple rubber wallets an’ glitter-sprayed dead rubber chickens? I’m gonna wear my Stummix Bank underpants—y’know, the ones dotted wit’ dimes that Stummix Bank gave me for bein’ such a good customer? They’ll fit my dopey noggin better! 

GHOST: No! You’ll crash! 

G: But briefs like yours would be better! Less loose material, snugger waistband! I could get seriously kilt—these might fly offa my head—

GHOST: They won’t! And I have earned mine! Now, put yours on and follow me over to the window!  

G: Awstinkin’right! But if I die, I’ll kill ya! 

SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking]

GHOST: You’d only die of shame. Now, at the count of three—

G: My favorite number!

GHOST: Quiet! At the count of three, you and I shall leap through this window! 

G: Ain’cha gonna open it?

GHOST: No! One…two…three!

SFX: [Glass Shatter] [Glass Debris] [Wind, Scary Howling]

G: Ya busted my lousy window!

GHOST: It is not broken. Only your faulty perceptions mislead you. 

G: Hah? 

GHOST: Now, don’t look down.

SFX: [Christmas, Street]

G: Looky! Look down at them streets! Perswayssick City is so stinkin’ priddy durin’ the Grimace Holidays! All them stores playin’ that Grimace music, all them beaudiful glitter-sprayed purpoople dead rubber chickens hangin’ all over the place! An’ all them statues of reindeers wit’ purpoople tinsel hangin’ from their antelopes!

GHOST: You mean antlers. 

G: That’s what I stinkin’ said. Antelopes. Y’know, all these sights make me so sentimentrental. Are yooou gonna show me all the baaad junk I done throughout my life durin’ Grimace time?

GHOST: There is not nearly enough time for that. 

G: Am I gonna be visited by two more ghosts, like in that famous Earth story they made into a movie?

GHOST: No, there’s only a budget for one ghost—me. I’m kind of like your three-in-one here.

G: Jus’ my lousy luck. Me, Bizzig “Zig” Gneeecey. I get the cheapest version. An’ of course jus’ the kind of stinkin’ ghost I’d get, too—one wearin’ underpants on his head! Wowzickles! Look at all them little cars down there an’ people walkin’. They look like little bugs. I feel kinda queasy—must be that expired jackass meat sandwich I had for lunch. I think I’m gonna—

GHOST: Try and hold on. We’re almost there.

G: Where?

GHOST: Where I am taking you. You will see.

G: Can anyone see us? I’ll feel real stooopid if anyone I know sees me up here flyin’ around wit’, y’know, these dopey, borin’ underpants on my head.

GHOST: No one can see you. You are now invisible, like me. 

G: But I can see ya. So ya ain’t invisibooble. So how can I believe anything else ya say? In my News Guessin’ seminars, I learnt everything’s fifty-fifty—either somethin’ll happen or it stinkin’ won’t. Either somethin’s the way it is, or it ain’t. I’m a senior news guesser! Got a certificate statin’ so.

GHOST: And if I’m right and you’re wrong? 

G: Always bein’ half-right’s priddy good—an’ bein’ only half-wrong ain’t bad neitherwise. Lemme explain. Stuff happenin’ again or bein’ the way it is is fifty-fifty, too! Either stuff’ll happen again or be the way it still is, or it won’t. An’ if somethin’ fifty-fifty happens again or is the way it is again, I’ll be twice as right, an’ if it don’t or ain’t, I’ll be only a quarter as wrong. 

GHOST: Here we are. One-hundred percent. 

SFX: [Closing] [Sad Strings]

G: Where are we? 

GHOST: Your best friend Sooperflea’s, y’know, superhero Fleaglossitty’s Veggie Burger Avenue efficiency apartment. You threw Nicki—

G: The lousy Ig—

GHOST: That’s Nicki. You threw Nicki and Fleaglossitty and all of their belongings out into the street—right before Grimace. They’re like family to you.

G: We were like stinkin’ family. They made secret recordings of some of my most embarrassin’ moments. Stuff that happened in my house an’ even in my private therapoopy sessions.  An’ even a conversation me an’ the lousy Ig had on Planet HyenaZitania. Now, I’m bein’ blackmailed. Someone is threatenin’ to air all this junk on my GAS Broadcast Network. 

GHOST: I think you’re jumping to conclusions.

G: I ain’t jumpin’ to no concussions. All evoovidence points to Fleaglossitty an’ the Ig. One or both of them were there when each of them recordin’s were made. Plus, the Ig works at my GAS Broadcast Network. Well, worked there. I  stinkin’ fired her. An’ they’re both cashin’ in on these recordin’s. I know it!

GHOST: You are going to stay here and watch. And listen.

G: I am not. You’re tryin’ to make me feel baaad. You wanna make me feel sorry for them two. Well, I ain’t stayin’ for this. I am stinkin’ outta here. 

GHOST: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH! SFX: [Explosion] [A Car Crash]

G: Awright! Awright! Awstinkin’right! I’ll stinkin’ stay. But I ain’t never gonna forgive them. Nebberd-kinnezzard! Means—

GHOST: Means “extra-never” on your Planet Eccchs. Now stop looking at me and watch this scene as it unfolds. 

SFX: [Squeaking Sneakers] [Door Open]

F: Well, here we are…. Mail’s piled up an’ it’s a bit dusty…but here we are…. Oh, Nicki, I can’t believe Zig is blamin’ us for those audio recordings—claimin’ that we betrayed him, an’ for money, too!

N: I can’t believe it either, Flea. I guess that’s how his mind works…. It’s totally ridiculous. You and I—we would never ever hurt Gneeecey. He’s family, to both of us. You and I have actually risked our own lives to save him! 

F: Many times, Nicki. Many times…more than I can even count….

SFX: [Clock Ticking]

N: Flea! Flea! Are you alright? You—you look like you’re in some kind of trance! In some other world! [snaps her fingers] Flea! Open your eyes! Speak to me—please! SFX: [Clock Ticking] It’s so quiet I can hear your watch ticking! SFX: [Clock Ticking]

F: Oh—oh—Nicki…. I—I—

N: What, Flea, what?

F: My superhero ESP…it—it—

N: What about your superhero ESP, Flea? What about it?

F: It—it jus’ suddenly supplied me wit’ this information. This memory. Somethin’ I totally forgot about…till now. An’…an’….

N: And what?

F: Zig may be right….

N: What? What are you talking about?

F: Your handbag…that big handbag of yours…

N: What about my handbag?

F: Empty it. Here on the table. Please.

N: Why? I don’t understand, Flea. What does my handbag have to do with anything?

F: Jus’ do it, Nicki. Jus’ empty your handbag onto my kitchen table here.   Please.

N: Alright. But I still don’t understand. SFX: [Purse, Empty Contents]

F: Look—jus’ like in my vision—there it is!

N: There what is?

F: That long silver pin.

N: Okay. I see it, but I don’t recognize it—I’ve never seen it before. What is it?

F: It’s a sophisticated electronic device that receives an’ transmits signals. They issued it to me, along wit’ my diploma, when I graduated from the superhero academy.

N: I still don’t understand. How did it get into my bag? 

SFX: [Clock Ticking]

N: Talk to me, Flea. Talk to me. How did this thing get into my handbag?

F: You been usin’ this big ol’ brown handbag forever, ever since you arrived here in our dimension of Perswayssick County. 

N: You gave me this handbag when I arrived here from my world, penniless. And you gave me clothes and other stuff I really needed. That was so great of you. You’ve always been so kind to me ever since I landed in Perswayssick County. But—but—what does this silver pin here have to do with anything?

F: My ESP memory that jus’ surfaced…it—it showed me that I accidentally dropped this electronic device of mine here into your bag when I was stuffing the other things I got you into it. The thing fell right outta my shirt pocket an’ into your bag. An’ now I do remember, clearly. I fully meant to retrieve it…but then I forgot all about it…until now….

N: So, what does this device of yours have to do with anything?

F: It receives an’ transmits. An’ evidently, I’d left it on, an’ the bad guys hacked into its signal. 

N: So, you mean—you mean—

F: Zig was right…we are responsible….

N: Okay, so I always had my handbag with me in the house and in Doctor Idnas’s office. But—but, I didn’t have it with me when Gneeecey and I were stranded on Planet HyenaZitania…. According to Gneeecey, they recorded us there, too.

F: Ya didn’t have to have your handbag wit’ ya.

N: What? What do you mean?

F: My device must’ve discovered an’ paired up wit’ that high-tech watch I’d also given ya. Kind of like some of the technology you have on your planet, but much, much stronger. My device can receive long-range radio waves like the conversations an’ events evidently captured an’ transmitted back by a paired-up device like your watch. Even from other dimensions. It occasionally records thoughts, too. An’ like I said, that signal had to have been hacked by whoever’s fixin’ to blackmail Zig…. Holy Saint Bogelthorpe—I never imagined anything like this would ever happen…. Nicki, you’re white as a sheet.

N: This—this means that Gneeecey was right. It means that you and I—you and I—

F: —are responsible for these recordings! An’ you know he’ll never forgive us. Nebberd-kinnezzard…. Look, Nicki! I think I see Zig over there in that corner—wearin’ underpants on his head!

G: Hey, Ghost, you said we were invisible—kinda proves my theory of everythin’ bein’ fifty-fifty, don’t it!

SFX: { Fail Horn]

GHOST: It’s his superhero ESP kicking in. One…two…three…. SFX: [Closing] [Wind, Scary Howling] Okay, we’re safe, back up in the air, headed back to your office. SFX: [Glass Shatter] [Glass Debris] [Eerie Sharp Scary Logo] Okay, here we are, safe and sound, back in your office.

G: An’ looky, my window ain’t really busted! Wowzickles!

GHOST: I told you before. Your window was never broken. Only your faulty perceptions mislead you. 

G: What’s that stinkin’ supposed to mean, Mister Underpants Head? 

GHOST: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH! SFX: [Explosion] [A Car Crash]

G: Awright! Awright! Awstinkin’right! But, y’know, your plan didn’t work. I ain’t never, nebberd-kinnezzard, ever gonna forgive Fleaglossitty an’ that lousy Ig. Forgiveness is for chumps. So, stinkin’ forget it. An’ stop lookin’ at me like that. I’m not really a baaad guy. Some people say I’m stingy an’ selfish, but I ain’t really. I jus’ love my mon-ney too much to give any away. Ain’t nuthin’ wrong wit’ that.

GHOST: Are there no prisons? Are there no, uh, work hice?

G: Yeah, I guess I do say that whenever someone asks me for holiday donations…heh, heh, heh….

GHOST: Can’t you see that mankind is your business?

G: Nah. Not really. You’re gonna hafta come up wit’ somethin’ better than that. Now, can I take these lousy underpaaants off my head?

GHOST: Note to self: I’ll never get my wings…oh, wait…wrong movie…. I’m a ghost. I don’t need wings. Looks like I’ll have to take a different approach here! Plan B…. To be continued!

SFX: [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell]

SFX: [Magic Spell] 

We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com.

And thank you for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to tell a friend! And keep on laughing! 

Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###