“Gobsmacked” – Episode 71
A unicycling, cigar-smoking kangaroo tosses a package containing yet another embarrassing secret recording in Gneeecey’s face—literally. After listening, the infuriated canine-humanoid county leader makes a rash decision that leaves Nicki and Sooperflea bewildered and hurt—and leaves Nicki homeless and jobless. Adding to that, the two become further gobsmacked when a recollection suddenly surfaces via the superhero’s ESP powers.
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Transcript / Gobsmacked – Episode 71, written by Vicki Solá.
All content © 2022 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.
Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki, and the gang….
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Halloween Spooky & Fun Logo] [Bang] [Fabric Tear] [Dish Ceramic Debris] [Blow on Table] [Glass Shatter] [Purse Empty] [Wood Demolition] [Mud Splash] [Comedy Boing]
DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY: Youse two lousy Iggleheimers, get outta my stinkin’ house here an’ never come baaack! Nebberd-kinnezzard—that means extra-never on our Planet Eccchs! I’m done wit’ both of youse!
NICKI RODRIGUEZ: But—but, Doctor Gneeecey—
G: I’m sick of you callin’ me the wrong name, too! That’s Diroctor Gneeecey—how— SFX: [Wood Pound] ow—many times do I gotta remindicate ya that I’m a dopey doctor an’ director of this here lousy county?
N: Okay, Diroctor Gneeecey! Now, why are you throwing all our possessions outside here on the lawn?
SOOPERFLEA, AKA FLEA, AKA FLEAGLOSSITTY FLOPPINSPLODGE: Yeah, Zig, what are ya doin’? Why in Bogelthorpe’s name are ya throwin’ all our stuff out of your front door into the mud? SFX: [Mud Splash]
G: ’Cause I’m throwin’ both of youse out! SFX: [Mud Splash]
F: Zig Gneeecey! Please tell us why! Nicki an’ I don’t understand!
G: Jus’ git! SFX: [Wood Pound] Ow—both of youse! I don’t never wanna see youse two stinkin’ up my beaudiful maaansion ever again! Youse two are the ones who been recordin’ me. At my private therapoopy sessions wit’ Doctor Idnas an’ Grandma, an’ even here in my own house!
N: We did not! Boy, are you paranoid!
N: Name’s Nicki. How many times do I have to remind you about that?
G: Don’t stinkin’ get intelligent wit’ meee, Ig! I know you’re in cahoots wit’ whoever sent me them electronical capoopules wit’ them recordins’ of my most embarrassin’ moments! They even recorded your stooopid thoughts! Even when we were on Planet HyenaZitania!
F: Zig, this is crazy! Don’t forget, you’ve got lots of enemies who wanna grab your power—y’know, as Perswayssick County’s Quality of Life Commissioner an’ Grate Gizzygalumpaggis—
G: —that’s Grate Gizzy, Fleaglossitty—we’re conservatin’ vowels an’ consonants! Did ya stinkin’ forget—again?
F: Whatever, Zig. I’m jus’ tryin’ to say, ya got lots of enemies who wanna take over this county.
N: Yeah. There’s STEM—Sulak, the evil clown of bathrooms, his rotten three-armed, three-legged, nine-foot-tall clown pal Three, plus your evil lookalike from Planet HyenaZitania, that Ebegneeezer Geshundheit Eeeeceygnay—
G: My hideous lookalike!
N: Yeah, okay, your hideous lookalike—
G: So, you’re callin’ meee hideous? How dare ya?
F: Zig, yooou jus’ said—
G: Shaaadup, Fleaglossitty!
F: No, Zig, I won’t shut up! Nicki’s right! There’s also them evil gangster aliens from Planet of the Marked Men, all named Mark. Y’know, Redheaded Broken-nosed Mark, Blond Big-nosed Mark, an’ all the rest of them creeps.
N: And possibly even Jacob J. Qwertuyuiop. Your Bassett Hound canine-humanoid Vice Quality of Life Commissioner has gotten pretty used to being in charge around here during your absence while the three of us were stranded in those other wacky dimensions.
F: Yep, Zig, I’m afraid ya got lotsa enemies.
G: I do not got no emenies—
G: Stop always corrugatin’ me, Fleaglossitty. That’s what I said, emenies. An’ yooou shouldn’t be afraid. I should be! That’s why I’m throwin’ youse two out—’cause you’re both in cahoots wit’ my emenies! Now, you an’ the Ig are my emenies too! Now, like I said, git! Both of youse!
F: This is crazy, Zig! Ya can’t do this! You an’ me been best friends forever—since we were little kids back on Planet Eccchs! You’ve always been my favorite fellow canine-humanoid!
N: And Diroctor Gneeeecy, you yourself have said that we’re family! We’ve been through so much together since I’ve been stranded in your dimension of Perswayssick County and all those other crazy dimensions! We darn near got killed together—more than a few times!
G: I’m sorry—no, youse two should be sorry—’cause I believe youse both been recordin’ me in my own house an’ also at my private therapoopy sessions to make me look baaad. An’ you’re proboobably sellin’ them recordin’s to the baaad guys who are sendin’ copies to meee, to try an’ blackmail me. Youse two are the only ones who got access to me in my house an’ Doctor Idnas’s office. I bet’cha youse two are splittin’ all the mon-ney the baaad guys are givin’ youse for them dopey, embarrassin’ recordin’s!
N: Diroctor Gneeecey, that’s totally ridiculous!
G: An’ not to mention, in them electronical audio capoopsules, they say they got access to my stinkin' GAS Broadcast Network, where yooou work an’ have access, ya Ig!
F: Zig Gneeecey, what you’re sayin’ is totally nuts—
G: Now, both of youse, I want youse outta here stinkin’ right now! I awready changed all the locks! An’ Ig, you are also thereforthically fired from your wonderful jobs at my GAS Broadcast Network an’ my Gneeezle’s Restaurant!
N: Diroctor Gneeecey, you can’t—
G: An’ ya gotta gimme back that beaudiful car I so generously gave ya, Ig—
N: That broken-down wreck of a 1975 Splodge that I just finished paying for every week through those huge deductions you took out of my bi-monthly paychecks—
G: Tol’ ya then Ig, an’ I’m tellin’ ya again. Don’t brush a gift horse’s teeth. Yeah, ya only get paid every two weeks. But, remember, I told ya, if I took somethin’ out every week, then you’d pay it off twice as faaast.
N: And I just paid Zeke’s Pizza and Transmissions a hefty repair bill—y’know, after your delivery guy hit me on the way up to the house. After he took your advice to drive backwards all the way down your three-zillion-mile-long driveway that circles this mountain we live on—
G: Yooou don’t live here no more! An’ any fool knows that when ya drive in reverse, ya burn less gas—
N: Well, he smashed his truck into my old Splodge and nearly totaled it. And his license was suspended, plus his vehicle was uninsured. I can show you the repair bill.
G: Well, okay, Ig. Take that ugliful ol’ piece of junk offa my beaudiful driveway here, then. Stinkin’ take it an’ get outta here! Both of youse two spyin’ traitors! An’ shut your dopey mouths—planes will fly in! SFX: [Cartoon Slip] [Slip and Fall] [Duck Horn] Ow! Youse two make me so maaad that I jus’ fell on my lousy bimbus!
SFX: [Door Slam] [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell] [Halloween Music Box Cinematic Logo] [Cuckoo Clock]
G: I’m glad them two lousy Iggleheimers are gone…. I been so stinkin’ good to them—most of the time, anyways. An’ looky at what they done to me after all the junk I done to them. All while I got all these baaad peopoople against me while I’m supposed to rebuild this stooopid county after them ten-foot-tall monster kanga-dyno-roos I invented by mistake busted up Perswayssick City. An’ then this mornin’, a dopey regoogular kangaroo smokin’ this funny-smellin’ cigar an’ ridin’ a unicycle shows up at my door here an’ throws another one of them dopey electronical audio capoopsules in my face an’ rides away. My lousy nose still hurts! Third one! Audio capoopsule, not nose…. Anyways, now I’m gonna listen to this here latest electronical audio capoopsule again for the tenth time ’cause it makes me feel even more sorry for myself each time I listen…. SFX: [Cartoon Character Annoyed Crying]
G: The two people closest to me—Fleaglossitty an’ the Ig—have betrayed me! For mon-ney!
SFX: [Cartoon Character Annoyed Crying][Electronic Button] [Intarface 2]
VOICE: Why, hello again, Diroctor Gneeecey. It’s us again with electronic audio capsule number three. You know the drill by now. Just press that little red switch and enjoy! And picture your Perswayssick County citizens listening on your GAS Broadcast Network! And Earth girl, again, we’ve recorded what you were thinking! Press that little red button now!
SFX: [Electronic Cash Register]
V: And to provide you with context here, Diroctor Gneeecey, this is from your unfortunate and accidental trip to Planet HyenaZitania, when your perceptions were, well, altered. You and that Earth girl Nicki found yourselves under house arrest, locked up for the night in a tiny second-floor room in the mansion where your evil, more sophisticated double, Ebegneeezer Gesundheit Eeeceygnay, lived with his family. This is what we recorded. Press that little red button again.
SFX: [Electronic Cash Register]
Cringing, I rolled onto my side on a mattress that must have been stuffed with gravel. Sharp gravel. “What? What now?”
“I can’t seeeeeeee!”
“Well, we are here in the dark. Go back to sleep.”
“I caaaaaaan’t! ’Cause I was never asleep yet!”
“Look, Diroctor, we’re gonna need every ounce of strength we have, so we can try to make a break for it once this crazy planet’s two suns rise.”
“Ya don’t understaaand, Ig! The dark in here is so bright it’s hurtin’ my ears!”
“I don’t understand…how can….”
“An’ I’m stinkin’ nose blind!”
“Always suspected that.”
“Ya Ig, I can’t seeeeee what I’m smellin’!”
“Do you usually?”
“Caaan’t even stinkin’ taste it!”
“What?” With a groan, I lowered myself onto the splintery wooden floor. It was more comfortable than the mattress.
SFX: [Horror Scary Moment]
“Ig, I smelt ’em talkin’ out there, through the door. Yooou musta been asleep. The guy who looks like Mark an’ that other baaad man wit’ the purpoople eye an’ too many fingers that’s impersonatin’ me an’ talks real stupid an’ funny like he’s better than the rest of us, he said somethin’ ’bout drivin’ me an’ you to someplace called Plumber’s Crack, in the mornin’, to get answers out of us.”
I bolted upright. There was no light to turn on. “Don’t you go loopy on me now, Diroctor.”
“Ain’t goin’ loopy on ya, Ig. I jus’…”
“You just haven’t taken your meds in a coupla days.” The realization smashed me over the head like an iron skillet.
“Didn’t see wha’cha jus’ said. Say it again, brighter.”
“I said, you haven’t taken your meds in a couple days. Especially your Bumpex and your Repulsid.”
“Nah, Ig. Ain’t that. I swear it ain’t.”
“It must be.” I felt an icy draft from somewhere high above. Sitting cross-legged, I pulled what felt like a horsehair blanket (and smelled like a horse) around my quaking shoulders.
“Well, Ig, it can’t be the meds. Ain’t seen no talkin’ trees or walkin’ chairs, have I?”
“I bet it’s those vapors you were swimming in. You know, that weird floor between the foyer and the parlor that wasn’t solid? The one I managed to walk over, but that you jumped into and happily splashed around in like a little kid?”
“Ya mean—ya mean, I got floor poisonin’?”
“Something like that.” I slid over and leaned back against the cold plasterboard wall. “Those fumes must’ve been toxic, and now you’re….”
I took a deep breath. A bitter odor, one I couldn’t place, assaulted my sinuses. Reminded me of the stuff I used to clean my oven back home. Back home…back home…how I longed to be back in my own world…if even just to clean my undersized, half-working oven…something I always hated to do when I could be working on one of my writing projects instead…oh, geez…SFX: [Scary Ambience] would those floating eyeballs Gneeecey and I had escaped from be roaming through my apartment when I got back? If I ever got back?
Suddenly, the entire building began to shake.
SFX: [Duck Horn] “Honk! Honk!” blared VuVuzela, one of Ebegneeezer’s young daughters, racing about somewhere in the mansion, most likely tormented by one of those slimy and hideous blue bugs that plagued Planet HyenaZitania.
After a minute or two, all grew quiet. Except for Gneeecey’s voice. And a steady plunk, plunk, plunk, accompanied by a constant rhythmic clacking.
I sighed. “Now what?”
“I’m freezin’. Freezin’ hot!”
“What? How can you possibly be—”
“I’m sweatin’ bullets! Can’cha hear ’em, hittin’ the floor? SFX: [Plunk] An’ don’cha hear my lousy teeth ch-ch-chatterin’?” SFX: [Chattering Teeth] [Fail Horn]
SFX: [Electronic Button] [Intarface 2]
V: Makes you look rather foolish, doesn’t it, Diroctor Gneeecey? We are prepared to air this and other selected recordings on your GAS Broadcast Network. You will hear from us again soon. Or from the highest bidder.
SFX: [Electronic Button] [Intarface 2] [Cuckoo Clock]
G: It’s gotta be them two—the lousy Ig an’ Fleaglossitty—recordin’ me. They’re the common denominator here. The perpoopetrators. The two stinkin’ most important people in my life, saboobotagin’ me. Turnin’ on me. For mon-ney, no doubt! I ain’t been thaaat rotten to them. Poor little meee. I aaam absitively posilutely gobsmacked!
SFX: [Cartoon Character Annoyed Crying] [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell] [Halloween Music Box Cinematic Logo] [Car Engine] [Car Horn Honk]
F: Well, Nicki, here we are….
N: Yep, Flea…. Veggie Burger Avenue….
F: You know that my little walk-up efficiency apartment here is kinda small—you’ve stayed here before…. But you’re welcome to stay again for as long as ya want—forever, if need be….
N: Thank you, Flea. I…I think we’re both stunned….
F: Yep. I know I am…. Let’s go upstairs an’ have a little snack. Then we can come back down to your car an’ get all our stuff an’ lug it up all these stairs.
N: You haven’t been back here to your own place in a while, have you, Flea?
F: Nope. Just stopped by here a couple of times to check on things. Y’know, after you, me, an’ Zig finally returned from all them crazy dimensions we were stuck in, an’ then our horrible stay in Florence Ferguson Hospital. I stayed wit’ you an’ Zig most of that time, to help youse….
SFX: [Squeaking Sneakers] [Door Open]
F: Well, here we are…. Mail’s piled up an’ it’s a bit dusty…but here we are…. Oh, Nicki, I can’t believe Zig is blamin’ us for those audio recordings—claimin’ that we betrayed him, an’ for money, too!
N: I can’t believe it either, Flea. I guess that’s how his mind works…. It’s totally ridiculous. You and I—we would never ever hurt Gneeecey. He’s family, to both of us. You and I have actually risked our own lives to save him!
F: Many times, Nicki. Many times…more than I can even count….
SFX: [Clock Ticking]
N: Flea! Flea! Are you alright? You—you look like you’re in some kind of trance! In some other world! [snaps her fingers] Flea! Open your eyes! Speak to me—please! SFX: [Clock Ticking] It’s so quiet I can hear your watch ticking! SFX: [Clock Ticking]
F: Oh—oh—Nicki…. I—I—
N: What, Flea, what?
F: My superhero ESP…it—it—
N: What about your superhero ESP, Flea? What about it?
F: It—it jus’ suddenly supplied me wit’ this information. This memory. Somethin’ I totally forgot about…till now. An’…an’….
N: And what?
F: Zig may be right….
N: What? What are you talking about?
F: Your handbag…that big handbag of yours…
N: What about my handbag?
F: Empty it. Here on the table. Please.
N: Why? I don’t understand, Flea. What does my handbag have to do with anything?
F: Jus’ do it, Nicki. Jus’ empty your handbag onto my kitchen table here. Please.
N: Alright. But I still don’t understand. SFX: [Purse, Empty Contents]
F: Look—jus’ like in my vision—there it is!
N: There what is?
F: That long silver pin.
N: Okay. I see it, but I don’t recognize it—I’ve never seen it before. What is it?
F: It’s a sophisticated electronic device that receives an’ transmits signals. They issued it to me, along wit’ my diploma, when I graduated from the superhero academy.
N: I still don’t understand. How did it get into my bag?
SFX: [Clock Ticking]
N: Talk to me, Flea. Talk to me. How did this thing get into my handbag?
F: You been usin’ this big ol’ brown handbag forever, ever since you arrived here in our dimension of Perswayssick County.
N: You gave me this handbag when I arrived here from my world, penniless. And you gave me clothes and other stuff I really needed. That was so great of you. You’ve always been so kind to me ever since I landed in Perswayssick County. But—but—what does this silver pin here have to do with anything?
F: My ESP memory that jus’ surfaced…it—it showed me that I accidentally dropped this electronic device of mine here into your bag when I was stuffing the other things I got you into it. The thing fell right outta my shirt pocket an’ into your bag. An’ now I do remember, clearly. I fully meant to retrieve it…but then I forgot all about it…until now….
N: So, what does this device of yours have to do with anything?
F: It receives an’ transmits. An’ evidently, I’d left it on, an’ the bad guys hacked into its signal.
N: So, you mean—you mean—
F: Zig was right…we are responsible….
N: Okay, so I always had my handbag with me in the house and in Doctor Idnas’s office. But—but, I didn’t have it with me when Gneeecey and I were stranded on Planet HyenaZitania…. According to Gneeecey, they recorded us there, too.
F: Ya didn’t have to have your handbag wit’ ya.
N: What? What do you mean?
F: My device must’ve discovered an’ paired up wit’ that high-tech watch I’d also given ya. Kind of like some of the technology you have on your planet, but much, much stronger. My device can receive long-range radio waves like the conversations an’ events evidently captured an’ transmitted back by a paired-up device like your watch. Even from other dimensions. It occasionally records thoughts, too. An’ like I said, that signal had to have been hacked by whoever’s fixin’ to blackmail Zig…. Holy Saint Bogelthorpe—I never imagined anything like this would ever happen…. Nicki, you’re white as a sheet.
N: This—this means that Gneeecey was right. It means that you and I—you and I—
F: —are responsible for these recordings! An’ you know he’ll never forgive us. Nebberd-kinnezzard….
SFX: [Spooky Hollow Fear] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell]
We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com.
And thank you for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to tell a friend! And keep on laughing!
Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###