Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy

The Therapy Sessions

November 29, 2022
Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy
The Therapy Sessions
Show Notes Transcript

“The Therapy Sessions” – Episode 69

Much to Gneeecey’s horror, recordings of his therapy sessions not only exist but copies have been sent to his home by an anonymous individual.

We thank Sam Leviatin for providing Sooperflea and Gneeecey’s lovely piano and violin music which therapist Ingabore Scriblig, AKA “Grandma,” and Dr. Alexandra Idnas played for Perswayssick County’s Grate Gizzygalumpaggis in their office for therapeutic purposes.  

And we thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sandi Solá, Sal Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean and Sammie for being generous supporting members via BuyMeACoffee.com! We appreciate their sponsorship and support more than words can say! 

https://buymeacoffee.com/Perswayssick (Please support us with a one-time gift or monthly sponsorship amount—various levels available—to help keep us coming to you via BuyMeACoffee.com! We’ll shout you out during our podcast episodes and in our show notes here, plus supply you with more fun perks!)  

https://www.amazon.com/Vicki-Sola/e/B07J29RVMQ (Amazon Author Page, check out our Gneeecey/Nicki e-books and paperbacks!)

https://www.nfreads.com/interview-with-author-vicki-sola/ (Interview with Vicki Solá)

https://perswayssickradio.buzzsprout.com (right here, our Buzzsprout website w/episodes & transcripts!)   

And many thanks to disproportionately cool artist Jay Hudson for our podcast logo! https://yojayhudson.com/

This Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy podcast is made possible in part by a generous grant from The Ardelle Institute, providing Executive Coaching for aspiring and established professionals who want to develop their careers, including upwardly-mobile executives, professionals who may be in between jobs, and college graduates transitioning to the workforce. The Ardelle Institute helps with resumes, cover letters, LinkedIn profiles, interview skills, and effective job search strategies.  For more information, please call (201) 394-6939, that's (201) 394-6939, or visit them on the web at ardelle-institute.com, that's A-R-D-E-L-L-E dash institute dot com. Take it from me, Gneeecey!

Support the show

Transcript / The Therapy Sessions – Episode 69, written by Vicki Solá. 

All content © 2022 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. 

Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki, and the gang….

SFX: [Magic Spell] [Halloween Spooky & Fun Logo] [Flushing Toilet] [Door Open] [Sneakers Squeaking] [Door Knock] [Door Bell]

DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY: Fleaglossitty! Ig! Someone’s at the lousy door! Will youse stinkin’ get it?

SFX: [Door Knock] [Door Bell]

G: Where in Bogelthorpe’s name is everyone? Why do I, the lousy Grate One, gotta do everything my stinkin’ self ’round here in this gigaaantical four-story mansion of mine?

SFX: [Door Knock] [Door Bell]

G: I’m comin’! I’m comin’! Jus’ got outta the bat’room an’ my two lousy servants ain’t around! 

SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Door Knock] [Door Bell] [Bodyfall Human]

G: Yaaaaaaaah! SFX: [Bodyfall Human] [Cartoon Slip] [Slip and Fall] [Duck Horn] [Door Knock] [Door Bell]

G: Comin’—comin’! Youse jus’ made me fall down the stairs an’ flop on my lousy bimbus!

SFX: [Door Knock] [Door Bell] [Sneakers Squeaking] [Door Open]

G: Whaaaadaya stinkin’ waaaant?

DELIVERY PERSON: Special delivery. Signature required. Are you Perswayssick County’s Grate Gizzygalumpaggis Diroctor Bizzig “Zig” Gneeecey, of Three Bimbus Crack Drive, y’know, on toppa this here mountain, in Saint Bogelthorpe Parke?

G: Yeah, I stinkin’ am. Leader of this here lousy county. An’ I shortened my title to Grate Gizzy to conservate vowels an’ consonants. Now, gimme that dopey package. 

DP: You have to sign, sir.

G: Stop remindicatin’ me of junk I awready know, ya dopey Iggleheimer. SFX: [Pen Scratching] Now gimme that an’ get outta here.

DP: Yes, sir. 

G: Oh, an’ I got a friendly tip for ya. If ya drive backward all the way down my long circular driveway that goes ’round an’ ’round this whole lousy mountain, you’ll save yourself lotsa gas. Everyone knows, drivin’ backward, ya burn less gasoline—y’know, pooptroleum.

DP: Yes, sir. 

G: Your boss will thank ya.

DP: Yes, sir. You’re the boss of all of us here in Perswayssick County. 

G: Yeah. I am. An’ don’t never forget.

SFX: [Door Slam] [Truck Engine] [Car Crash]

G: Bad driver…. Hmmm…I wonder what could be inside this strange little package. Ain’t even got no return address….

SFX: [Cuckoo Clock] [Door Open] [Sneakers Squeaking] 

SOOPERFLEA, AKA FLEA, AKA FLEAGLOSSITTY FLOPPINSPLODGE: Heya, Zig.

NICKI RODRIGUEZ: We’re back, Diroctor Gneeecey.

G: Fleaglossitty! Ig! Where in Bogelthorpe’s name have youse two stinkin’ been all this time? I hadda do everything ’round here my lousy self. Y’know, answer the door an’ junk like that.

F: I was doin’ all them errands ya sent me on.

G: No need to shout!

N: And I was at work, at your GAS Broadcast Network—toiling away for pennies. As usual.

F: An’ Nicki here picked me up on Murgatroyd Avenue after I did all them errands for ya.

N: And as I was driving up your five-zillion mile-long driveway here, this delivery vehicle—it was driving backward down the mountain—it crashed into my car! And kept driving!

F: Whole front end looks like an accordion, an’—

G: Ya Ig, ya crashed that beaudiful 1975 antique Splodge I gave ya?

N: Name’s Nicki. And you didn’t give me that piece of junk—you sold it to me. And it is an antique. Freakin’ prehistoric. And you’re still deducting payments for it from my, uh, paycheck, if you can call it that.

G: Don’t get intelligent wit’ meee, Ig.

N: Name’s Nicki. And Flea and I had to walk the whole rest of the way—up this mountain—to the house—

G: Maaansion. Four-story maaaansion. 

F: Anyways, Zig, we hadda walk the whole rest of the way up wit’ all your packages.

G: Youse two, I don’t wanna hear no more ’bout your troubles. Now, speakin’ of packages, I just got a delivery of this here very funny little box wrapped in plain brown paper. I ain’t laughin’. An’ I wonder what’s inside it. 

F: Why don’cha open it an’ find out, Zig? 

G: I was gonna, Fleaglossitty. Stop remindicatin’ me to do junk I’m awready gonna dooo.

SFX: [Fabric Tear] [Rustling Papers]

G: Looky—it’s a little purpoople plaaastic toy ball!

F: Wit’ a red button in the middle, Zig!

G: No note or nuthin’ else in the box here. Well, lemme press the button an’ see what hapoopens….

SFX: [Electronic Button] [Intarface 2]

VOICE: Hello, Diroctor Gneeecey. You don’t know me, but I know you. You have just received an electronic audio capsule. Latest technology. 

G: Stinkin’ uh-oh—

F: —it’s one of them electronical audio capsules!

G: Stop tellin’ me junk I awready know, Fleaglossitty. 

SFX: [Electronic Button] [Intarface 2]

V: We are sure you would not want your citizens of Perswayssick County to know about your, heh, heh, therapy sessions we’ve recorded here with Ingabore Scriblig, otherwise known as “Grandma” and Doctor Alexandra Idnas. Even if you destroy this device, we have the original recordings. Press the red button to listen to each of your recorded sessions. We hope you enjoy listening as much as the whole county will! We will be in touch shortly to tell you what we need from you.

SFX: [Electronic Button] [Intarface 2] 

G: Oh, stinkin’ nooooo! 

F: Oh, Zig!

N: How could anyone have recorded your therapy sessions? 

G: I come home from the lousy hospoopital after getting’ dimension burn from bein’ away in all them difooferent dimensions, an’ I’m tryin’ to get my life back to normal an’ put this busted-up county back together from them ten-foot-tall monster dynokangaroos in invented by mistake, an’ now there’s another new diaboliboobical plot to get me!

F: Press the red button again, Zig, like he said. Let’s see what they got on ya.

SFX: [Cash Register Button]

IS: Bad afternoon, Nicki and Doctor Gneeecey. 

N: Bad afternoon— 

G: Bad afternooon, Mrs. Scribbles or whatever yer name is. An’ call me Diroctor Gneeecey—I’m a doctor an’ director of this here lousy county! I’m stinkin’ Grate Gizzygalumpaggis—but I shorten it to Grate Gizzy, y’know, to conservate valuable vowels an’ consonants! 

IS: Alrightsky den, Diroctor Gneeeecey. And you can bot’ just call me Grrrandma. 

N: Thanks so much for seeing us, Grandma. 

G: Well, Grandma gotta see us, don’t she? She got eyes in her head! 

IS: I do hawe two of them, and they have looked ower the qvestionnaires you bot filled out in dee vaiting room. Now, Diroctor, do you really tink it vas good to driwe so recklessly, vit a cookie box ower your head? And to run avay from de police? Vas it nice of you to take dat birtday lunch out of Nicki’s pay? You inwited her out! Vell? Vhy are you just staring at your red, rather grimy sneakers? 

G: Guess I shoulda cut eye holes in the cookie box, so I coulda seen better.   

IS: I’m sorry, I don’t tink anyvun should driwe wit’ a box on their head. 

G: It really ain’t that dangerousical if next time I make eyeholes in the lousy box. An’ I guess I should’na made the Ig pay. I’ll give her back the lousy fourteen-ninety-five for her dumb meal.  

IS: Now, dat’s vhat I like to hear! 

N: Thank you, Diroctor. 

G: In little bits, though. A few bucks each paycheck. It was yer stooopid birthday… 

IS: I don’t tink Nicki’s birtday ees stupid. Vhy do you say dat? 

G: Well, Graaandma, we could argue ’bout all this junk for hours, but I gotta get back to the office. Got lots of junk to take care of. 

IS: But vee hawe a lot more to discuss. 

G: Ain’t got no time to disgust nuthin’ else now.  

IS: Vell den, before you go, vhat have you learned from all of dis? 

G: That cleanliness is nexta Goldilocks? 

SFX: [Fail Horn]  [Cash Register Button]

IS: Bad afternoon, Nicki and Diroctor Gneeecey. How doodle you dooo? 

SFX: [Boing] [Duck Horn] Gneeecey walked into a wall, hitting his big schnozz on his way into Grandma’s office. 

G: Stinkin’ ow—I ain’t doodling too good, Graaandma! Can’cha move that lousy wall outta here? 

IS: Dat vould be radder impractical if not impossible! Now, let’s begin again. Bad afternoon, Nicki and Diroctor Gneeecey. How doodle you doooo?  

N: Bad after— 

G: Why d’ya always gotta greet the Ig before me, Graaandma? I’m certaintaneously more importootant than her! 

IS: Here, no vun ees more important than annnyvun else, Diroctor. 

G: Well, I stinkin’ am! I could argue it elvelven difooferent ways! 

N: Eleven ways? 

G: That’s what I stinkin’ said! Elvelven ways! 

IS: Elewen vays? 

N: You know, Grandma, I think it’ll take more than eleven therapy sessions for Gneeecey to understand things. 

G: Ya mean Diroctor Gneeeccey, ya Ig! Are ya stooopid? 

IS: Now, no vun here ees stupid. 

N: Thank you, Grandma.  

IS: You’re wery velcome, Nicki. You remind me of my granddaughter. 

G: No one here is stupid. ’Cept the Ig. 

IS: Vhat?  

G: Uh, nuthin’. Heh, heh, heh… 

N: You know, Grandma, I think this would be a perfect time to mention the fact that I hate when Diroctor Gneeecey calls me “Ig.” My name is Nicki. Nicki Rodriguez. 

IS: You do know, Diroctor, on our Planet Eccchs, “Ig” is a wery derogatory term, short for Iggleheimer. Legend has eet dat deese Iggleheimers vere wery clumsy, not-wery-smart, tree-legged troglodytes who ground-pounded their vay tru our planet’s mountains, particularly dose of dee Bozovian region, vhere you and I bot come from.  

G: Yeah…I stinkin’ guess it ain’t kinda too nice of me…. 

IS: Vell, yah, dis is progress, hearing you say dat. 

N: Yes, Grandma. You know, Diroctor, how you feel insulted and disrespected when I forget to put “Diroctor” before your name? 

G: Yeah. I do feel insultipated. 

N: Well, have you ever thought that I feel the same when you call me “Ig” instead of “Nicki”? 

G: Geewhizzicles, I never ever thought of yooou feelin’ insultipated. In fact, I never think of you even havin’ feelings! 

IS: Vell, vee are getting somevhere dis afternoon! Ewen dough you bot hawe differences, I tink dee two of you really dooo, on a certain lewel, care about each odder. 

N: Yes, Grandma, you know, it’s kind of strange…as angry and exasperated as Diroctor Gneeecey makes me—it seems, on a regular basis—I actually do care about him. After all this time, it almost feels like we’re family, in a way. 

G: It actually shocks an’ almost stinkin’ upsets me to say this, but I care ’bout yooou too, in a certain way, Nickels! 

IS: Vell, I guess “Nickels” ees better den “Ig.” 

G: Not as good as dimes or quarters, but better. 

N: Yes, Grandma, this is progress…I suppose. 

IS: Yah! Ah ha ha ha ha! 

G: It ain’t stinkin’ funny, Graaandma! Nuthin’s stinkin’ funny! 

IS: Vell, Diroctor Gneeecey, I did see you ower dere, smiling. I am vondering, vhat hawe you learned from all of dis today? 

G: That a boiled pot never watches? 

SFX: [Fail Horn] [Cash Register Button]

G: Baaad afternoon, Mrs. Scriboobles— 

IS: Please, please, just call me Grrrandma! How doodle you do? 

G: Ain’t doodlin’ too good today, Graaandma. I had this real stooopid day!  

IS: Vell den, Diroctor Gneeecey, tell me all about vhy you feel your day vas so stupid.  

G: Well, Graaandma, my real igspensive terlit, my Electronic Water Cyclone 3000 that only us rich people can afford, it stopped flushin’ an’ first one of the bad guys, Redheaded Broken-nose Mark called me right in the middle of everythin’ an’ got me even more nervoovous than I awready was an’ then the stupid tech support guy named Atom or Molecule or whatever, made me sit on my terlit forever while he took remote control of it an’ he even splashed my bimbus wit’ water an’ then this bad guy who looks just like me but ain’t really me an’ he’s even from a different planet, Planet HyenaZitania, an’ his name is Ebegneeezer, he came in while my terlit wasn’t flushin’ an’ I was jus’ sittin’ there on it an’ the tech guy said I couldn’t geddup an’ I’m real upset that I still can’t get back to my Planet Eccchs an’ y’know, my girlfriend Goonafina Blopperdang, she’s a goonicologist—that’s the study of goonicology—we were supposed to get married an’ then she jilted me by interdimensional email— 

IS: You don’t say! Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha! 

G: I do stinkin’ say—an’ it ain’t funny! Y’know, Goonafina broke up wit’ me after when I said I love ya, she said I love ya more an’ then I said, yeah, well, I guess ya do, an’ I really don’t understaaand why she got so maaad, an’ then she said I didn’t ever brush my teeth before I called her—I don’t think my breath is that bad that ya can smell it over the phone from another dimension. An’ then y’know, back at my office, my administrative assistant Fraxinella who was out sick, she still ain’t come back to work at my GAS Broadcastin’ Network an’ the Ig is still away havin’ lotsa fun, so I still gotta do more, an’ my cat Klunkzill, today he had a accident an’ ’cause he’s half-cat an’ half-motorcycle, he made 10W/40, y’know, oil all over my stinkin’ already messed-up carpet an’ I slipped in it an’ almos’ busted my dopey noodle, an’ the second lousy replacement inflatable squeak banana that Dinwiddie’s Inflatable Squeak Toys an’ Broadcast Supplies sent us didn’t squeak on air either so I ain’t gonna pay them, an’ oh, looky, looky what time it is, I gotta get to the sock repair shop before it closes, ’cause Gus says he fixed my lucky socks awready, an’ yeah, I’ll save ya the trouble of askin’ me, like ya usually do, what I learned from all of this junk. I learned that the chicken crossed the road to keep its lousy pants up an’ not to comb its stupid hair. Guhbye! SFX: [Boing] [Horn] An’ can’cha get ridda that lousy wall? I keep bangin’ my lousy nose on it! 

SFX: [Door Slam] 

IS: Vell, dat vas a stupid day. A wery stupid day. 

SFX: [Fail horn]  [Cash Register Button]

N: Hi Grandma. Thanks so much for seeing the three of us on such short notice.

IS: Vell, then, bad afternoon to dee tree of you!

F: Please, Mrs. Scriblig, don’t say tree. Oh no, I jus’ said it!

IS: Sooperflea, please call me Grrrandma! And I’m sooo sorry, I said tree, not tree!

F:  There, ya did it again, Grandma!

IS: Did vhat?

N: Flea, where are you going?

F: Under the couch, where Zig’s hidin’!

G: How stinkin’ stooopid of ya, Flea!

IS: Vhat is stupid, Diroctor Gneeecey? And vhy do you call your best frrriend Sooperflea stupid?

G: That stinkin’ evil Mister Tree musta followed us here! An’ now, Flea here jus’ gave away my hidin’ spot! I am sooo outta here! An’ Graaandma, I’ll save ya the trouble of askin’ me what lousy lesson I learned from all this. Youse can lead a horse to water, but youse can’t make it take a shower!

F: I’m outta here too!

SFX: [Door Slam]

N: Grandma, I’m so sorry! I’d better go after those two before they get into real trouble! I’ll call you later!

IS: Alrightsky, den!

SFX: [Fail horn] [Cash Register Button]

IS: Bad afternoon, Nicki and Diroctor Gneeecey. How doodle you do?

N: Bad afternoon, Grandma, we’re okay, kinda. I’m so sorry we’re late after I promised we’d be on time today. 

G: Speak for your stinkin’ self, Ig. I ain’t kinda okay! An’ yeah, Graaandma, I was kinda worried ’bout your availavoolability after five. 

With that, the good director missed Grandma’s couch and, to add insult to injury, fell on the floor, landing on his butt. SFX: [Boing] [Duck horn]

G: Stinkin’ ow! My bimbus! An’ I wan’cha to know I’m late ’causa cirkookumtaaancial cirkoocumstaaances.

IS: You don’t say! Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha!

G: I do stinkin’ say—an’ it ain’t funny!

IS: Vell den, please tell me, vhat vent so terribly wrong today, Diroctor?

G: Every stinkin’ thing! It was a real stooopid day!

IS: Vell den, tell me vhy vas eet so stupid?

G: Well, first we got to the station late because of the Ig here, an’ then she couldn’t even simulcast a six-second delay igzactly wit’ a stinkin’ eight-second delay—” 

IS: Vell, how could anyvun do dat? Dee math doesn’t ewen vork! It doesn’t add up!

G: Whose stinkin’ side are ya on, Grandma? Ya don’t hafta be a rocket surgeon to do radio! Why are youse two lookin’ at each other like that? Y’know, ’causa the Ig here—”

IS: Dat vould be Nicki—”

G: That’s what I said. ’Causa the Ig here not payin’ detention to my signal when I pointed at my lousy neck, the whole stinkin’ county heard me belch on air. Normally I wouldn’t give a deck of vlecks, but it was her fault an’ then my Shoppin’ at Home wit’ GAS got totally ruinated ’causa my display table broke an’ a BlabbaFlabb exercise machine almost ate my intern an’ then a ton of freezin’ cold snow fell outta the ceilin’ an almost busted my dopey noodle! My lousy hair’s still shiverin’! An’ then I missed gettin’ a very importootant life or deaf message to someone. An’ all this hapoopened ’causa the Ig here got us to work late an’ gave the day a lousy start an’ made everythin’ else hapoopen! Why are youse two lookin’ at each other like that again?

IS: Vell, Diroctor, it sounds like maybe you could try getting up just fifteen minutes earlier on vork mornings.

G: Well, Graaandma, that’s no good if my left sneaker’s lost an’ my lousy nose starts runnin’ an’ I put my underpaaants on backwards an’ that gigaaantical Poe Crow keeps sittin’ outside on the ledge screamin’, “Nevermore! Nevermore!” when I’m havin’, y’know, my usual bat’room probooblems ’causa my lousy health cigars ain’t workin’ propooperly an’ my stinkin’ lucky socks are makin’ the whole livin’ room smell bad ’cause they’re lost somewhere inside the piano an’ I’ll have a real baaad day if I don’t wear ’em an’ I can’t find the toy surprise inside my box of Crack O’Dawn cereal an’ the whole time the Ig is jus’ staaandin’ there makin’ me more nervoovous ’cause she’s waitin’ by the door an’ keeps lookin’ at her dumb watch that always runs too faaast!

IS: Vell, eet sounds like maybe you could try to, you know, organize tings a little more, dee night before.

G: Tell that to the Ig here! Perhaphoops she could get up earlier!

N: [whispers]“Why? So I could stare at my watch longer?”

G: Why are ya whispooperin’, Ig? An’ why are youse two lookin’ at each other like that again?

IS: Before vee vork on your learning to take personal responsibility and not blaming odders, Diroctor Gneeecey, I vant you to try to do vhat I suggested. Get ready as much as you can dee night before, and set your clock to get up just a little earlier in dee morning. Now, vhat hawe you learned today?

G: Not to lock the horse’s mouth after the barn door escapes?

SFX: [Fail Horn] [Cash Register Button]

IS: Bad afternoon, Nicki and Gneeecey. 

N: Bad afternoon, Grandma. 

G: Baaad afternooon, Graaandma. An’ how many times do I gotta remindicate yooou an’ evoovveryone else to call me Diroctor Gneeecey—I’m a doctor an’ director of this here dopey Perswayssick County! I’m stinkin’ Grate Gizzygalumpaggis—but I shorten it to Grate Gizzy, y’know, to conservate vowels an’ consonants—outta the goodness of my lousy heart! 

IS: Alrightsky den, Diroctor Gneeeecey. Vell now, Diroctor Gneeecey, vee are still trying to see vhat makes you tick. 

G: What aaam I—a stooopid clock? 

IS: Vell, let’s remember, ewen a broken clock is not stupid. It is correct, tvice a day. 

G: You sayin’ I’m a busted clock? 

IS: Vell no, but I tink all your clocks must be brrroken because you cannot seem to ewer get here, or anyvhere, on time—I’m tinking dis may be passive-aggressive behavior on your part— 

G: I didn’t do no passin’ or aggressive junk—it was them lousy birds, passin’ an’ playin’ aggressive all over the Ig’s face—guess ya stinkin’ heard— 

IS: Yah, I vanted to discuss dat too. 

G: Well, disgust away, Graaandma! 

IS: Now, Diroctor Gneeecey, how do you tink Nicki felt ven dose birds vere playing football on her face and hurting her?  

G: Wit’ her haaands, I guess…well, uh, no, heh, heh, in this case, wit’ her Ig face. Heh hah, heh haah, heh haaah! 

N: I was feeling under attack. Scared. It was crazy—like nothing I ever experienced! A total freaking nightmare!  

IS: And don’t you tink, Diroctor Gneeecey, under dee circumstances—Nicki vas pretty new to Persvayssick County—dat you could have been a little more understanding and not so stringent in enforcing dat law? You made dis law up! And you tretened to arrest her! No harm vould have been done—dee birds most likely vould have gone and found somevone else’s face to play on. 

G: Guess I was kinda rotten… 

N: Thank you, Diroctor. 

G: Well, that’s nice, Ig. At least you’re thankin’ me for bein’ rotten! 

IS: Diroctor Gneeecey, I really tink you’re missing dee point here! 

G: What stinkin’ pernt here, Graaaandma? 

IS: Vell, Diroctor Gneeecey, I don’t tink you’ve learned anyting from all of dis today. 

G: Yeah, I did. 

IS: Vell den, vhat is it dat you learned today? 

G: Do unto others what’cha don’t want ’em to do to you!  

IS: Diroctor Gneeecey, I tink you’ve turned dee Golden Rule green! 

Gneeecey grinned. “Quite an accompooplishment, wouldn’t ya say?” 

SFX: [Fail horn] [Cash Register Button]

IS: Bad afternoon, Nicki and Gneeecey. How doodle you do? 

N: Bad afternoon, Grandma. I’m so sorry we’re late…again! I tried so hard to get him to— 

G: Baaad afternooon, Graaandma, I ain’t doodlin’ too good here. An’ how many times do I gotta remindicate yooou an’ evoovveryone else to call me Diroctor Gneeecey—I’m a lousy doctor an’ director— Grate Gizzygalumpaggis—of this here dopey Perswayssick County! 

IS: Alrightsky, Diroctor Gneeecey! You’re late again! I tought vee vere going to vork on dis problem of yours!

G: Ain’t my probooblem—youse two can work on it! Why are youse two lookin’ at me like that?

N: Diroctor, I promised Grandma that we’d do our best to be on time today!

G: Well then, Ig, it’s makin’ yooou look baaad—yooou promised Graaandma, I stinkin’ didn’t!

IS: Vell, Diroctor, I tink vee hawe to take anudder look at your habits—

G: I don’t like your constant analyzation of my lousy haboobits! shrieked Gneeecey, punching his fists in the air, so agitated that he fell off Grandma’s couch, right onto the hardwood floor below, on his scruffy behind.

SFX: [Boing] [Duck Horn]

G: Stinkin’ OW! Hope ya got insurance in case my bimbus jus’ got another crack!

IS: Let me help you up, Diroctor Gneeecey.

G: Nah, I don’t want no stinkin’ help from nobody unless I demaaand it! Then I igspect it!

IS: You don’t say! Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha!

G: I dooo say! An’ it most certaintaneously ain’t funny!

IS: Okiedokie, alrightsky den—let’s talk about dee adwice I recently gawe you regarding dis lateness problem of yours, Diroctor Gneeecey. And vee hawen’t ewen addressed dee season of Blirg yet, vhere time runs backwards. Anyvay, let me repeat my adwice. Get ready as much as you can dee night before, den set your clock to get up just a little earlier on vork mornings.

G: No offense, Graaandma, but that lousy advice is priddy stooopid!

IS: And vhy do you say dat my adwice ees lousy and pretty stupid?

G: Looky here, Graaandma, I’ll kill two stones wit’ one bird. I’ll tell ya why your advice is priddy stooopid, plus I’ll answer what’cha always aaask me, what did I stinkin’ learn. An’ I’ll do it all in one sentence! Your advice is priddy stooopid ’cause I learned that if I set my dopey clock fifteen minutes earlier on work mornin’s, then I caaan’t sleep in!

SFX: [Fail Horn] [Cash Register Button]

S: Good afternoon, Nicki and Diroctor Gneeecey. How doodle you do?

N: Hello, Grandma. Thank you for seeing us. I really need to talk about this really bad memory problem I’ve been having and—

G: Heya, Graaaandma, whazzup? I ain’t doodlin’ too good here! An’ why do ya always gotta greet the Ig here first? I’m the one wit’ all the stinkin’ issues, not her!

IS: Yah, and you sound like dat ees someting to be prrroud of, Diroctor!

G: Why, thank you, Graaandma! Gotta say, I really try! Why are youse two lookin’ at each other like that?

IS: Diroctor Gneeecey, I vould like to trrry and discuss Nicki’s prrroblem!

G: Oh, no, Grrrandma! You yourself agreed that I’m the one wit’ all the stinkin’ issues, not her! You can disgust her lousy probooblems some other time! They ain’t as baaad as mine!

Waving his grimy arms in the air for emphasis, Gneeecey leaped up off Grandma’s couch, slipped coming down, then tumbled onto the hardwood floor below. Onto his backside.

SFX: [Boing] [Duck Horn]

IS: Boompitty-boomp! Ah, hah, ha, ha, ha! 

G: Ow! My stinkin’ bimbus! An’ it ain’t funny! 

IS: I’m sorry, Diroctor Gneeecey, but it vas kind of funny. I vill help you up.

G: Nah, Graaandma, I’m stayin’ right here. Never heard of no one ever fallin’ off of a floor!

IS: Alrightsky den, suit yourself.

G: Now, Graaandma, I gotta go soon. Us real important people got lotsa real important junk to do. But I gotta tell ya that I been havin’ all these baaad dreams, especially after I watch all them scary monster movies at night right before I go to bed! I dream of all these, y’know, gigaaantical reptiles, they’re even way stinkin’ bigger than the buildings they crush an’ destroy, an’ they’re all named Mark, an’ I’m so petootrifed that I’m even too afraid to get up to, y’know, use the lousy bat’room when I gotta, an’ well, that don’t usually turn out too good.

IS: Vell, Diroctor Gneeecey, I tink you are vatching too many of deese movies, and at dee wrong time. Deese so-called monsters are really just lizards drrressed up! As for dee name Mark, dat must reprrresent somevun in your life dat vorries you! 

G: Yeah, Graaandma, he does stinkin’ worry me. Lots! Gotta go!

IS: Hawe you learned anyting today?

G: Yeah. Don’t hatch your chickens before they learn to count. Guh-bye!

SFX: [Door Slam] [Fail Horn] [Cash Register Button]

DI: Vall, Nicki, vee certainly understand vhy you are vanting to return to your own vurld. I tink Grandma and I can offer you some coping mechanisms for dealing vit Gneeecey for dee duration of your time here in Persvayssick County, however long dat vill be. He ees certainly a self-centered, self-serving individual vit little empathy for anyvun but himself. 

IS: Yah, Nicki. Vee certainly do understand.  

SFX: [Door Open] 

G: An’ I certaintaneously stinkin’ heard everything youse all said! I been hidin’ here in Graaandma’s closet, listenin’! That Ig’s trynna ruin my repooputation! 

IS: You’re pretty good at doing dat yourself, Diroctor Gneeecey. 

G: Thaaanks! Youse did also compoopliment me though, when youse said I’m a self-centered, self-serving individual, wit’ no empoopathy for anyone else! If I don’t look after me, who will? Hah? 

IS: Now, vhat are you doing here? 

DI: Yah, vhat are you doing here? 

N: Yeah, what are you doing here? 

G: I stinkin’ told ya, hidin’ in the closet an’ listenin’. 

DI: Dis is Nicki’s session, not yours. 

G: It’s my stinkin’ session if she’s talkin’ ’bout me! Now, Graaandma an’ Doctor Idnas, after this, I proboobably can’t really trust youse two no more. What do youse two know anyways? Got a intelligentness test for youse. What two things can you never eat for breakfast? 

IS: Vhat? 

G: Sheesh. Lunch an’ dinner! Youse both failed miseraboobly. 

DI: Vhat does dat have to do vit anyting vee are discussing? 

G: Looky, don’t brush a gift horse’s teeth—I’ve just given youse a gift of information that will help youse function in life—but like most gifts, it ain’t free. I’ll be sendin’ youse a bill for my services. An’ remember, Ig, as long as you’re livin’ in my Perswayssick County, you’re in my pocket! Heh hah, heh haah! An’ I don’t have a speech impedipoodiment! Guh-bye, alla youse! 

DI: Nicki, you are looking at Diroctor Gneeeecey radder intently!  

IS: Yah! Nicki, are you alright?  

DI: Grandma, I do not tink she is processing our inquiries. 

IS: She is completely motionless, staring vide-eyed at Diroctor Gneeecey.  

DI: And he ees just standing dere, staring back. 

SFX: [Nicki’s Powers] [Boing] [Duck Horn]  

DI: Vow! Simply incredible! 

IS: Yah! Dat dimension burn must’ve given Nicki superpowers! 

G: Stinkin’ ow! Some gigaaantical force jus’ made me fall on my lousy bimbus! 

DI: Sounds like instant karma!  

IS: Yah! Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha! Boompity-boomp! 

G: We ain’t discussin’ automobiles, an’ I ain’t your mom! An’ it ain’t funny! 

SFX: [Fail Horn]  [Cash Register Button] [Door Open] 

IS: Hallo, hallo, Nicki and Gneeecey, how doodle you do? Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha! 

G: That’s stinkin’ Diroctor Gneeecey—I’m a doctor an’ director of this here lousy county! How many times do I gotta remindicate ya? And it ain’t funny! 

DI: Vhy, hallo, Nicki, and Diroctor Gneeecey! 

G: Graaandma! Doctor Idnas! What are youse both doin’ here? Gangin’ up on me? I don’t stinkin’ like this—I am sooo outta here! SFX: [Door Open] [Boing] [Duck Horn] Ow! My lousy nose! Can’cha get ridda that stooopid wall, Graaandma?  

IS: Dee vall ees not stupid, it helps hold dis place up, Diroctor, just like your neck holds up dat wery big head of yours.  

G: Yeah, I do got a lotta brains! 

IS: Now, Doctor Idnas and I vant to halp you! 

DI: Dat is right. Grandma and I are radder concerned about you. Vee vunder eef your Redecoritis ees vursening. Vee vant to halp you.   

G: Youse jus’ want me to help youse both by payin’ youse both. 

DI: Grandma and I are vurking together, and vee have cleared tings vit your insurance company. Vee just vant to evaluate you. Vee really do care about you and vant to rule out any new problems like vursening Redecoritis, you know, vhere you tink trees and furniture are chasing you.  

IS: Yah, Diroctor Gneeecey, vee vant to ewaluate you. Your sessions hawe been preautorized. 

G: You ain’t gonna hospoopitalize me!   

DI: No, Diroctor Gneeecey. Please make yourself comfortable on dee couch, and vee will do some vurd association accompanied by some pretty music.   

G: Stinkin’ aaawright. I could make myself comfoofortable if only this lousy couch was comfoofortable. 

IS: Now, Diroctor Gneeecey, here, leesten. Close your eyes. Relax and tell us vhat you are seeing. 

SFX: [Violin and Piano] 

G: That is Priddy music! I see me playin’ my white, very igspensive electric voaline—it’s a Stradivopoulous! An’ I see my pal Sooperflea tryin’ to play piano. Why, that’s our recordin’ of Zirbert Shriekensobb’s claaassic “Plight of the Goonafish”! Them poor two-tailed fish wit’ no heads! Popoopular menu items at my Gneeezle’s Restaurant! Soon me an’ Sooperflea will be makin’ mon-ney from this very beaudiful music! 

DI: Very good, Diroctor Gneeecey. Now, please tall us vhat else you are seeing. 

IS: Yah, Diroctor, please do tell us! 

G: Umbrellas in pastures playin’ football wit’ kitchen sinks before they get on a bus. A big, giagaaantical bus. Usin’ toilet plungers as baseball bats—recycled plungers they bought on sale, marked down for the holidays at Squiggleman’s Hardware, y’know, right here in town, on Murgatroyd Avenue where runaway goats always used to graze before their drivin’ lessons ’cause they were so nervooovous that their horns would obstruct their rearview mirrors an’ possiboobly tear up the seats. But ever since the city paved the pasture over, the goats gotta go to Shisskey’s Bakery an’ get donuts instead, or the airplanes wearin’ uniforms will get maaad an’ not let huuumans get on ’em to go nowheres. Then the ravioli would demand tickets, too, unlike spaghetti, which usually travels business class for free… SFX: [Snoring] 

DI: Vall, Grandma, I tink dee music has certainly relaxed Diroctor Gneeecey. He has fallen asleep and ees dreaming. 

IS: Yah, Doctor Idnas, I tink vee are asleep, too! 

DI: Yah, vee practically are sleeping! 

SFX: [Fail Horn] [Cash Register Button]

SFX: [Door Opens] 

IS: Hallo, hallo, Nicki, how doodle you do? 

N: Hi, Grandma. Thanks for seeing me on such short notice. This latest memory that resurfaced was really very disturbing and— 

G: I’m here! Me! The Grate One! Heh hah, heh haah, heh haaah! 

N: Uh, Diroctor, this is supposed to be my session— 

IS: Yah, dis ees Nicki’s session— 

G: Not no more! The early worm gets the bird!  

IS: Vhat? 

G: We have nuthin’ to fear but beer itself! 

IS: Diroctor, I do not understand! 

G: Don’t burn your bridges till ya go over ’em! 

IS: Vhat?

 G: Can I have my cake an’ eat it, too? 

IS: Oh dear. I tink Diroctor Gneeecey ees suffering from a case of extreme platitudinitis because of vorsening Redecoritis! 

G: Speak much, doooo little! An’ don’t bother to lock the horse’s mouth after the barn door escapes! Especially if it’s wearin’ a shower cap! Y’know, cleanliness is defoofinitely next to Goldilocks, but she didn’t count her dopey chickens before they learned to count. So, they were stooopid when they crossed the road to keep their lousy paaants up! 

IS: I’d better call your neurologist, Doctor Idnas! 

G: Stinkin’ nooo! She’ll hospoopitalize me!  

 SFX: [Phone Dialing] [Phone Rings] 

DI: Hallo, Doctor Idnas speaking. 

IS: Hallo, Doctor Idnas, dis ees Ingabore Scriblig, Diroctor Gneeecey’s terapist. I tink his Redecoritis ees vorsening. 

DI: Vhy, hallo, Ingabore. I vould like to see him, den. I’m actually headed tovard your office—I can be dere in a few minutes— 

G: I am sooo stinkin’ outta here! SFX: [Boing] [Duck Horn] Ow! My bimbus! I’ll never sit again! Why’s your lousy floor so high?! SFX: [Door Slam] [Fail Horn]  [Cash Register Button]

IS: Hello, hello, Nicki and Diroctor Gneeecey. How doodle you do? 

N: Hi, Grandma. Fine, thanks. How are you— 

G: Okay, Graaandma, we’re gonna try somethin’ different today. I’m runnin’ today’s session. 

IS: Vell, dat might certainly give me some additional insights into vhat drives your behavior, Diroctor Gneeecey. 

G: Nuthin’ drives my behavior. It ain’t a stinkin’ car. Now, I wanna know, what bothers yooou? When did it start? Why do ya feel that way? Why did ya become a therapoopist? Your issues are proboobably more interesticatin’ than mine! In fact, I’m gonna start chargin’ yooou for askin’ meee junk! 

IS: You don’t say! Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha! 

G: I dooo say! An’ it ain’t funny! 

IS: Alrightsky, Diroctor— 

G: Alrightsky nuthin’ Graaaandma. Now, I got one more question for ya. Maybe this’ll totally cancel out my owin’ yooou for askin’ meee stinkin’ questions all the lousy time. Why did the lousy turkey cross the road twice? 

IS: Your logic is somevhat convoluted, Diroctor Gneeecey.  

G: No, it ain’t. The lousy turkey crossed the street twice to prove he wasn’t a chicken! Claaasified info, it’ll cost ya! I’ll mail ya my bill. Guh-bye. SFX: [Door Slam] [Fail Horn] [Cash Register Button]

IS: Hallo, hallo, Nicki, and Diroctor Gneeecey. How doodle you do?

N: Fine, thanks, Grandma, and I’m so sorry we’re late again—we, uh, he, uh—

G: Lemme make my own stinkin’ excuses, Ig!

IS: Alrightsky, Diroctor Gneeecey, vhy are you late again? I reqvested dat you arrive on time today. In a little vhile, I hawe to return to my meatball shop to meet vit a customer! So, tell me, vhy are you late today?

G: ’Causa I ain’t early?

IS: Surely, Diroctor Gneeecey, you can do better dan dat.

G: Well, Graaandma, ya see, I hadda go get my stinkin’ lucky socks from Gus’s Sock Repair Shop before he closed, an’ when I got there, I saw I had forgot my ticket, an’ he won’t gimme back my socks wit’out a dopey ticket, an’ that’s proboobably the Ig’s fault like everything else, an’ ’cause they’re my lucky socks, I’ll have real baaad luck or maybe no stinkin’ luck at all if I don’t wear ’em, so I hadda go all the way back home, y’know, to Saint Bogelthorpe Parke, the igscloosive subooburb of Perswayssick City where only us rich people can afford to live. An’ then I saw I had forgot to feed my cat Klunkzill—he’s half-cat an’ half-motorcycle, so he’ll live forever. I feed him, y’know, this high-viscosity motor oil, but I was outta that an’ if I give him regoogular food, he’ll have accidents all over my carpet an’ I’ll stinkin’ slip in it an’ bust my dopey noodle again an’—

SFX: [Boing] [Duck Horn] 

N: Gneeecey had fallen off Grandma’s couch, onto the hardwood floor.

IS: Oopsie-daisy! Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha!

G: OW! My lousy bimbus! An’ it’s not funny!

IS: Vell, it vas, really…. 

G: See what hapoopens when I ain’t wearin’ them stinkin’ lucky socks?

IS: Vell, Diroctor, aren’t you at least going to offer an apology for being late?

G: I learned never to ruin an excuse wit’ an apology. Guh-bye! SFX: [Door Slam]

N: Well, Grandma, looks like now I can finally get a word in edgewise! 

IS: Yah! Ah, ha, hah, ha, ha!

SFX: [Fail Horn] [Cash Register Button]

IS: Hallo Nicki and Diroctor Gneeecey, how doodle you do? 

N: Hi, Grandma. Thanks again for—

G: —thanks for nuthin’!

IS: Vhut? Vhy do you say dat?

G: Because ya always greet the lousy Ig here before ya greet me! I’m the important one! You yourself always say that I got more issues! 

IS: Diroctor Gneeecey, you did agree to allow Nicki—and she is not a ‘lousy Ig’—to participate in today’s counseling session. 

G: Stinkin’ whatever. I know I said the lousy Ig could participoocipate in my here session today, but that was mainly so she could drive me here an’ save me time an’ troubooble. An’ gaaas! 

IS: Yah, you did.

G: But my niceness don’t mean I’m gonna let her steal the whole stupid show here!

IS: And may I remind you dat you are not more important dan anyvun else? Novun ees! And dis session is not a stupid show! Vhy vould you come if eet vas?

G: Proboobably to waste some time while I was thinkin’ of other junk to do.

IS: You vould pay to do dat?

G: Well, proboobably not. Please don’t bother checkin’ to see if I’m paid up.

IS: You do hawe many issues, Diroctor Gneeecey.

G: Thanks! So do youse. That’s proboobably why ya went into this line of work.

IS: Vell! You seem to be wery hostile today. More so dan usual—if dat ees ewen possible.

G: Why, thanks! Gotta go now.

IS: But vee hawen’t started dee session!

G: I know, but I want a donut from Shisskey’s Bakery ’cross the street. That’ll help me more than hangin’ out here wit’ youse huuumans. Let the lousy Ig here have my halfa the session—she can pay for the whole stinkin’ thing then.

IS—But, Diroctor—

G: But nuthin’. An’ I’ll save ya the trouble of askin’. I awready learned some junk today.

IS: Vhut vas dat?

G: I stinkin’ said I’d save ya the trouble of askin’ me, so ya can’t charge me for that. I stinkin’ learned that I never met a person I didn’t like that I liked!

IS: Vhat?

N: What?

G: Guh-bye! SFX: [Door Slam] [Fail Horn]

SFX: [Cash Register Button]

S: Hallo, Nicki, how doodle you do?

N: Hi, Grandma, not that great. Thanks for seeing me on such short notice.

IS: You are wery velcome, Nicki. 

N: You know, the nightmare I had last night—the one I mentioned on the phone—was absolutely terrifying!

IS: Yah, Nicki, I can only imagine. I tink vee may be able to talk more freely about dis vit’out, you know, Gneeecey. Now, I tink dis terrible dream may represent—

SFX: [Door Opens]

G: Heya Graaandma! Heya Ig!

N: What—what are you doing here?

IS: Yah, vhat are you doing here?

G: I saw the Ig’s car outside, so I figured I’d come in!

IS: But, Diroctor Gneeecey, you don’t hawe an appointment scheduled today. 

G: I don’t stinkin’ need to make no stooopid scheduled apperntments. I’m meeee, the Grate One! Around here, I rule!

IS: I don’t care who you are. Scheduled appointments are not stupid. Dey are necessary. Do you understand vhy? 

G: Yeah. Baked pigeons can’t fly into your mouth if it’s closed.

IS: Vhat?

N: What?

SFX: [Fail Horn]

G: Ya see, Graaandma? Ya stinkin’ see? It was everyone else’s lousy fault—not mine—it’s never mine—

IS: Vell, Gneeecey, I tink vee need to vork on your learning to take responsibility—

G: Ain’t workin’ on nuthin’, Graaandma. I’m tired of all this therapoopy! Ain’t got time—

IS: Time utilization seems to be vun of your big problems, Diroctor.

G: Like I said, gotta stinkin’ go. An’ what did I learn from all this? I’ll save ya the trouble of askin’. Get to appointments late an’ make up for it by leavin’ early—jus’ like I am now! 

Guh-bye!

SFX: [Door Slam] [Fail Horn] [Cash Register Button]

V: That is all for now. Have a nice day.

SFX: [Electronic Button] [Intarface 2]

F: Oh, Zig! I ain’t never seen ya speechless for so long! This don’t make you look good at all!

G: Don’t make yooou look good neitherwise, Fleaglossitty. There’s some unflattootterin’ stuff ’bout yooou there, toooo!

F: But I’m not Grate Gizzygallumpagis—

G: Ya mean, Grate Gizzy! You ain’t authorizated to use all them vowels an’ consonants!

F: Okay, Zig. I’m not Grate Gizzy or County Quality of Life Commissioner. I’m not the leader of Perswayssick County—you are!

G: Stop remindicatin’ me of junk I awready know, Fleaglossitty.

N: Diroctor Gneeecey, this is really bad.

G: Don’t make yooou look too stinkin’ good, neitherwise, Ig!

N: Name’s Nicki. And I’m not the leader of Perswayssick County.

G: Of course, ya ain’t, Ig—stop tellin’ me junk I awready know. An’ junk you were sayin; to your stinkin’ self came out on some of them lousy recordin’s, ya Ig. Makes me look even worse.

N: Incredible. Terrifying! They recorded some stuff I was thinking! 

F: Well, Zig, what are we gonna do?

G: I dunno, Fleaglossitty. I dunno. Someone’s tryin’ to bring me down! 

SFX: [Cartoon Character Annoyed Crying x 2] 

N: Diroctor! Diroctor Gneeecey! 

G: Stinkin’ whaaat?

N: You’re falling! Falling backward—you’re gonna—

F: —fall on your—

SFX: [Cartoon Slip] [Slip and Fall] [Duck Horn]

G: —bimbus! I jus’ fell on my lousy bimbus!

SFX: [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell] 

We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com.

And thank you for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to tell a friend! And keep on laughing! 

Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###