Transcript / “I See U”- Episode 65, written by Vicki Solá.
All content © 2022 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.
Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki, and the gang….
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Hospital Room Ambience] [Electronic Button] [Intarface 2]
PA SYSTEM: Doctor Frombilagonga to ICU! STAT! Doctor Frombilagonga to ICU! STAT!
SOOPERFLEA, AKA FLEA, AKA FLEAGLOSSITTY FLOPPINSPLODGE: Y’know, Nicki, this Florence Ferguson Memorial Hospital ain’t as good as I thought it was. Here we are, you an’ me, crammed in this ICU room wit’ all these other patients—not that I mind bein’ wit’ you—quite the contrary, but I just don’t think they’re doin’ things right around here.
NICKI RODRIGUEZ: I agree, Flea. And it’s freezing here in the ICU. They haven’t even taken blood or done any other tests yet to see why we’re running these fevers—
F: Or why we have these green plants growin’ out of our ears. This dimension burn is terrible! I wonder how poor Zig’s doin’ over in the pediatric ICU. I hope he’s receivin’ better treatment.
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking]
NURSE MAUDLYN: Ahem!
F: Why, Nurse Maudlyn, what are you doin’ here in ICU? I thought ya were an Emergency Room nurse.
NM: I’m qualified to work both ER and ICU. We’re short-staffed. Due to the havoc created by those monster kangaroos. And I see you both—we have video cameras—and I hear you both complaining rather incessantly. And loudly! We’ve got sick people here, y’know—
N: Yeah, I know—a whole room full of us, packed in the Intensive Care Unit here like sardines. Some of us are running high fevers and have green vines growing out of our ears.
NM: Well, we’re short of space, too.
F: May I ask, how is our Zig Gneeecey over in pediatric ICU?
N: Is his fever coming down? He was burning up! And is he still a baby, or is he growing back to normal size? Does he still sound like a kid’s piggy bank whenever he moves because of all those dimes he can’t sneeze through his tiny, shrunken nasal passages?
F: Yeah, poor Zig! We’re so worried! Are those dimes he can’t sneeze out dissolvin’, y’know, wit’ them special injections of that new drug, Dimeosacion, that Doctor Frombilagonga is prescribin’?
N: And where is Doctor Frombilagonga? They keep paging him to ICU, but he doesn’t ever seem to appear.
NM: Questions, questions. No answers yet. I’ll be back. Eventually. Meanwhile, stop contributing to the noise here! Remember, I hear you. And I see you! So, belt up—both of you!
N & F [in unison]: Hey!
N: How dare you?
F: I’ve never been spoken to like that! I know the CEO of this hospital—Fred Seemingwhale!
NM: Put a sock in it. Both of you.
SFX: [Fail Horn] [Magic Spell] [Hospital Room Ambience] [Electronic Button] [Intarface 2]
PA SYSTEM: Doctor Frombilagonga to ICU! STAT! Doctor Frombilagonga to ICU! STAT!
SFX: [Squeaking Sneakers] [Door Open] [Cartoon Slip]
N: It’s her again!
F: It’s that Nurse Maudlyn! An’—an’—she’s—
N: —she’s wheeling Gneeecey’s crib into this room!
NM: Had to move him out of pediatric ICU. He’s too disruptive!
DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY: The head bone’s connected to the elbow, the elbow’s connected to the kneecap! The kneecaps’s connected to the bladder, the bladder’s connected to the bimbus! SFX: [Cartoon Baby] [Clinking Coins]
N: He’s not any better! Where is that Doctor Frombilagonga?
SFX: [Toilet Flush] [Door Open]
NM: I see him now, coming out of the restroom. Don’t be so nosey.
F: I hope he washed his hands.
N: Doesn’t sound like it.
NM: I’ll wash both your mouths out. With soap. Hospital soap.
N & F [in unison]: Hey!
G: Hay is for horses! SFX: [Horse] [Chickens] Oh no! There’s a horsey in the room! A stinkin’ wild, five-legged horsey, wearin’ a red spacesuit! Surrounded by an army of three-eyed chickens wearin’ these scary-lookin’ straw hats! Haaaalp! SFX: [Cartoon Baby] [Clinking Coins]
NM: If there were, I’d know—I’m in charge here. Now, belt up!
SFX: [Cartoon Baby] [Clinking Coins]
N: Hey, you can’t talk to a patient like that!
F: Especially a sick baby!
N: The fever’s causing him to hallucinate! Why—here’s Doctor Frombilagonga, at long last!
DOCTOR FROMBILAGONGA: I’m sorry for dee vait—I had some business to take care of. Now, I have dee charts of all tree of you here. SFX: [Rustling Papers] [Cell Phone Ring] Vun moment, please…. Doctor Frombilagonga speaking…yah…I vant to buy some cryptocurrency. Yah…okay, tank you. Sorry, I had some business to take care of. Now, as I said, I have dee charts of all tree of you right here. SFX: [Rustling Papers] Vee vill get to dee bottom of vhy dee baby here has green plants growing out of his ears, and vee vill see vhy you two are clinking like a piggy bank each time you move.
N: Doctor, you’ve got it mixed up! Zig Gneeecey, y’know, the sick, feverish baby here, has the overaccumulation of dimes in his body that he can’t expel through his shrunken nasal passages, and Flea and I are the ones with the green vines sprouting out of our ears!
NM: Never correct the doctor!
N: But—but—he’s mixed it all up!
PA SYSTEM: Nurse Maudlyn to ER! STAT! Nurse Maudlyn to ER! STAT!
NM: Don’t look so happy. I will be back. [SFX: Squeaking Sneakers] [Cartoon Character Annoyed Crying] [Cartoon Baby]
DF: Oh, yah, I do see here dat for dee baby, I deed rule out surgery—too risky—and I also had ruled out dat infusion of ten percent sinolfactorial solution to enlarge hees sinuses and nasal passages. And dat vee decided vee vill inject him vit’ dis new drug, Dimeosacion. Eet should shrink, safely neutralize, and eventually dissolve dee dimes in hees system and inhibit further production of any physical coins. And I also see dat I advised, vunce dee patient ees recovered, dat vee should really discuss dee elimination of regular currency—
G: Eliminzation of mon-ney? SFX: [Cartoon Baby] [Clinking Coins]
DF: Vee vill discuss dat later, vhen you are vell. Vhen Nurse Maudlyn returns, she vill administer your first of ten injections of Dimeosacion. And you two, she vill pull a portion of dose vines out of your ears so dey can be sent to dee lab. Dee vines, not your ears. Get some rest now. SFX: [Door Slam]
G: Told ya—it’s a stinkin’ lousy hospoopital! SFX: [Insect Flies] Look, there’s even a couple of them dangerousical planes flyin’ around up there on the ceilin’!
F: Yeah, those bugs that disguise themselves as commuter jets an’ prop planes, as a natural defense—
N: And their bites are much worse than the mosquitoes back on my Planet Earth.
SFX: [Cartoon Character Annoyed Crying] [Cartoon Baby] [Magic Spell] [Rockabye Piano] [Snoring] [Hospital Room Ambience]
G: Eeeeeeks!
N & F [in unison]: Now what?
G: Don’cha hear it?
N & F [in unison]: Hear what?
SFX: [Whistle] [Comical Scary Clown] [Monster Laugh Reverb]
G: The baaad clowns! Sulak the Demon Clown of Bathrooms an’ his pal Three, his stinkin’ nine-foot-tall, three-armed, three-legged clown pal! SFX: [Cartoon Baby] [Clinking Coins]
F: Impossible, Zig!
G: It’s not impossibooble—I hear ’em! They’re after us! They know we’re here!
N: Diroctor Gneeecey, we dematerialized both those evil clowns while you were still missing—y’know, in that dimension of Whatever-You-Want-Land! We got back here to Perswayssick County before you did.
F: An’ we were worried sick about ya. Now Zig, it’ll help if ya try an’ concentrate on other stuff. For instance, try lookin’ around the room here….
G: Okay, Fleaglossitty…. Looky in that corner there—a terlit on wheels!
F: I do see it, Zig. Hmmm…it’s a commode—on wheels!
G: Looks motorized! A high-tech motorized hospoopital terlit! Perhaphoops, that’s why Sulak’s back. Y’know, bein’ the demon clown of terlits, he proboobably wants to steal it! Eeeeeeks! We’re all gonna die! Haaaaalp! SFX: [Cartoon Baby] [Clinking Coins]
F: C’mon, Zig—
NM: Party’s almost over—I’ll be right in for you three! I’m already in the next room, giving one of your neighbors a little injection with my tiny needle here!
SFX: [Male Screams 3] [Metal Crash 1]
NM: Here I come, ready or not! SFX: [Squeaking Sneakers] [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger]
N: Diroctor Gneeecey—what are you doing?
SFX: [1967 Engine]
F: Zig!
NM: I see you! Get off that motorized toilet! It’s a hospital commode, and you’re not authorized to drive it!
G: Oh yeah? Well, you ain’t gettin’ meeeee! ’Specifoofically not wit’ that gigaaantical needle! SFX: [Cartoon Baby] [Sports Car Rev]
NM: I specialize in dealing with uncooperative patients!
G: I am not bein’ uncoopooperative! SFX: [Harley Davidson Engine] Do you stinkin’ know who I aaaamm? I’m the lousy Grate Gizzygalumpaggis of this here whole stinkin’ Perswayssick County! SFX: [Harley Davidson]
NM: I don’t care who you are! I’m in charge here! Now, get off that thing!
G: I see that “RN” on your badge. Stands for “rotten nurse”! Why can’cha be like all them other nurses, y’know, all them good ones whose “RN” means “real nice”?
NM: I shall not tolerate such impudence!
G: Ya wanna see impoopudence? SFX: [Harley Davidson] [1967 Engine] [Crash Metal]
NM: SFX: [Squeaking Sneakers] You come back here right now!
G: No, no, no, no, stinkin’ no! Nah, nah, you can’t make me! SFX: [Harley Davidson Engine] [1967 Engine] Heh, haaah! This thing’s leakin’—makes it even more fun! [Splash Water 2] [Glass Shatter] [Bang] [Wood Demolition]
NM: You get back here right now! You’re spilling water all over the place—that’s dangerous!
G: Hey lady, anyone ever tell ya it’s dangerousical to run wit’ a hypoopodermic needle?
PA SYSTEM: Security to ICU! STAT! Security to ICU! STAT!
SFX: [Harley Davidson Engine] [1967 Engine] [Splash Water 2] [Crash Metal] [Squeaking Sneakers]
NM: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh—
SFX: [Squeaking Sneakers] [Slip] [Slip and Fall] [Duck Horn]
G: I see yoooou! Ya jus’ fell on your bimbus! Heh hah, heh haah, heh haaah!
SFX: [Cartoon 1]
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: And a preview of next week’s episode:
SFX: [Ambience Hospital] [Explosion]
N & F [in unison]: What was that?
G: What was that?
NM: Oh, just an explosion.
SFX: [Magic Spell]
We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com.
And thank you for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to tell a friend! And keep on laughing!
Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###