Transcript / “Emergency!”- Episode 64, written by Vicki Solá.
All content © 2022 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.
Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki, and the gang….
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Super Aerodynamic Whoosh] [Ambulance Sirens] [Police Sirens] [Squeaking Sneakers]
SOOPERFLEA, AKA FLEA, AKA FLEAGLOSSITTY FLOPPINSPLODGE: See, Nicki, I know it was a little scary, me flyin’ the three of us up in them clouds all the way to Florence Ferguson Memorial Hospital’s Emergency Room, but here we are, on Fredwill Avenue, in record time! All three of us, in one piece! We did not fall out of the sky!
DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY: Good your stinkin’ superhero flyin’ feature worked, Fleaglossitty. If them lousy powers of yours failed, the three of us would be in pieces right now—eternal pieces! SFX: [Cartoon Baby] [Clinking Coins]
NICKI RODRIGUEZ: Y’know, Flea. I’ve gotta give it to you—you did it. It was a little nerve-wracking, especially traveling up in the air like that, holding your hand, and with a sick, uh, baby. SFX: [Cartoon Baby] [Police Sirens]
F: Don’t cry, Zig. This is an excellent hospital—you’re affiliated yourself!
G: It’s Perswayssick County’s only hospoopital! SFX: [Cartoon Baby] [Ambulance Sirens]
F: Well, I’m sure they’ll be able to get to the bottom of this—y’know, find out why you’ve turned into a baby. An’ why you’re runnin’ this fever an’ unable to sneeze out dimes as usual.
N: Okay, guys, here’s the main entrance.
F: Let’s go! SFX: [Cartoon Superhero Fanfare] [Squeaking Sneakers] [Fabric Tear Rip] [Slip] [Slip and Fall] [Duck Horn] [Ambience Hospital] [Electronic Button]
N: Flea, are you okay?
F: Yeah, Nicki…jus’ fell on my bimbus…that’s all.
G: Heh hah, heh haah, heh haaah! SFX: [Cartoon Baby] [Clinking Coins]
F: Y’know, Zig…if you weren’t a baby…I’d—
NURSE: Sir, are you alright?
F: Uh, yeah, Nurse Maudlyn…it says on your tag…jus’ stepped on my cape, tripped, an’, y’know, fell on my bimbus.
NURSE: Well, sir, you’re in the right place. We may want to X-ray your bimbus and have you sign this disclaimer—
G: She don’t really care ’bout your lousy bimbus, Fleaglossitty. An’ don’t sign nuthin’. She’s jus’ afraid ya might sue the stinkin’ hospoopital—
F: Quiet, Zig!
G: SFX: [Cartoon Baby] [Clinking Coins]
N: Nurse, thank you for your concern. We’re here because of, uh, him—
G: SFX: [Cartoon Baby] [Clinking Coins]
NURSE: That, uh, talking, shrieking baby there that sounds like a kid’s piggybank whenever he moves? SFX: [Clinking Coins]
N: Yes. He’s running a fever, and well, it’s a long story. Oh, look, there’s one of Gneeecey’s colleagues from his brain surgery dinner club! Doctor Hazz! I’m so glad to see you!
DOCTOR MATT HAZZ: Why, hello there, Nicki and Flea! Call me Matt, please.
N: Hi, Matt.
F: Hi, Matt.
G: SFX: [Cartoon Baby] [Clinking Coins]
DMH: Oh, I didn’t know Diroctor Gneeecey had any children—
G: I stinkin’ don’t, Matt—it’s meee, stinkin’ Diroctor Gneeecey!
N: Matt, he’s—he’s turned into a baby and—
G: I can speak for myself, ya lousy Ig! SFX: [Cartoon Baby] [Clinking Coins]
N: As I was saying, your colleague Diroctor Zig Gneeecey here has turned into a baby—I think from dimension burn—and he’s running a fever—
G: Well, I ain’t runnin’ a marathon—
F: An’ he’s unable to sneeze out his dimes like usual. That’s why he’s clinkin’ wit’ each move! SFX: [Clinking Coins]
N: Sometimes, he talks like an adult, but other times he cries like a baby. SFX: [Cartoon Baby] And he’s so tiny now!
DMH: This looks serious. But don’t worry, we’ll run tests and get to the bottom of this. Please, come this way. Nurse, please page Doctor Frombilagonga! STAT!
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Ambience Hospital] [Electronic Button] [Cartoon Baby] [Clinking Coins] [Ambulance Siren]
PA SYSTEM: Doctor Frombilagonga to ER! STAT! Doctor Frombilagonga to ER! STAT!
N: Why’s everything taking so long? It’s been at least an hour already.
F: It’s not even that crowded here. This chocolate energy bar we’re sharin’ here is the only thing we have to eat. The vending machines are all empty.
G: Told ya—it’s a lousy hospoopital! SFX: [Cartoon Baby] [Clinking Coins]
DOCTOR FROMBILAGONGA: Hallo, I am Doctor Frombilagonga. I’m sorry for dee vait—I had some business to take care of. I’ve spoken vit your colleagues Doctor Matt Hazz and Doctor Yuppernope, and I have your medical records here, Diroctor Gneeecey. SFX: [Rustling Papers] I must say, dis ees a vary unusual case. I have ordered blood tests. Vee vill not be able to do an MRI however, as you are full of metal—you know, svelled up vit such a significant amount of unexpelled dimes. But vee can do a CAT Scan.
G: But, I ain’t no cat!
DF: I must say dat eef you had been using cryptocurrency, you vould not be dealing vit dee clinking problem. Somevun vill take your blood shortly.
G: Well, they better stinkin’ give it back! Y’know, ya should send in a heemahoologist, y’know, one of them blood doctors—to see if my lousy blood needs extra O-two. Fleaglossitty an’ the Ig here had me in a stuffy room wit’out adequate ventilization. Y’know, not enough O-2! ’Causa them, I’ll proboobably hafta get a real igspensive transfusion of extra two, which proboobably ain’t covered by insurance! SFX: [Cartoon Baby] [Clinking Coins]
DF: Perhaps, Diroctor Gneeecey, vhen dis matter ees resolved, vee might discuss dee advantages of cryptocurrency. I vill be back.
G: Stinkin’ whatever. Ya remindicate me of someone. Someone creepy.
F: Last bite of this energy bar—[choking]
N: Flea! Flea! He’s choking! Someone! Help—emergency! He’s choking!
G: Bring me over to him, ya Ig! Bend him over an’ hold me over his back—lemme try doin’ some abominable thrusts—y’know, the hemlock maneuver! My undersized arms jus’ reach! One…two…threeee! SFX: [Slip] It stinkin’ worked, jus’ like I seen on TV!
F: Zig! Ya saved my life!
G: What are best friends for? I should get some lousy kinda reward—a medal or somethin’—but I proboobably stinkin’ won’t! Y’know, I feel so hot! Like I’m burnin’ up! SFX: [Cartoon Baby] [Clinking Coins]
N: Can’t believe we’re in a hospital emergency room, and a patient winds up saving someone’s life!
NURSE: Is everything alright here?
N: As a matter of fact, no! We just had an actual emergency in the emergency room here and—
NURSE: Well, try and be more quiet if you have any more emergencies. This place is full of sick people, you know!
N: I know—we’ve got one right here—this poor baby here—the one who just saved a life—is burning up with fever, and we’ve been waiting here forever! SFX: [Cartoon Baby] [Clinking Coins]
NURSE: We’re waiting for Doctor Frombilagonga to review the test results. And we’re short-staffed.
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Ambience Hospital] [Electronic Button] [Cartoon Snoring]
DF: I’m so sorry for dee vait—I had some more business to take care of.
N: Doctor, we have to do something—he’s burning up with fever! Isn’t there anything you can do? Please—we have to bring this fever down!
DF: I have gone over dee results. I have bad news and vurse news.
N, F, & G [in unison]: What? SFX: [Cartoon Baby] [Clinking Coins]
DF: Vhich vould you like first?
G: Gimme the worstist news first! Then I can deal wit’ the stinkin’ better worse news better.
DF: Very vall. Eet seems dat vee have only two choices here. Dee X-rays indicate dat you are filled vit’ unexpelled dimes, you know, dee physical money dat you customarily utilize and also sneeze out.
G: I didn’t come here for yooou to tell me what I awready stinkin’ know! SFX: [Cartoon Baby] [Clinking Coins]
DF: So, because you have turned into an infant and your nasal passages are inadeqvate in size for deese dimes to pass trough—and dey are actual physical coins—dey vill continue to accumulate inside you. Dis ees causing dee fever. I recommend dat you reevaluate your use of physical money.
N: So, Doctor, what do we do?
F: Yeah—we can’t jus’ wait an’ see if he ever grows back to normal size! He’s sick—he’s suffering now! Ugh, y’know, guys, I feel kinda hot an’ dizzy right now….
DF: So, Diroctor Gneeecey, besides surgery, vhich in my opinion vould be vary risky, vee have only two odder choices. Vun ees to give you an infusion of ten percent sinolfactorial solution to enlarge your sinuses and nasal passages, but vit’ you being so small, dat ees not advisable either. Eet ees not vit’out extreme risk.
N: And the other choice?
DF: The odder choice, vhich ees dee vun I recommend, ees dat vee inject him vit’ dis new drug, Dimeosacion vhich vill shrink, safely neutralize, and eventually dissolve dee dimes in hees system, and inhibit further production of any physical coins.
SFX: [Male Screams 3] [Metal Crash 1]
N, F, & G: What was that?
DF: Oh, nothing at all.
G: That don’t sound like nothin’ at all to meeee!
DF: Just dee patient in dee next exam room over dere. Getting an injection. Vit’ a small needle. He vill be alright.
SFX: [Cartoon Baby] [Clinking Coins] [Cartoon Character Annoyed Crying]
G: So, what’s the stinkin’ lousy better baaad news?
F: Oh, guys, I feel so hot…an’ dizzy, too…I’m burnin’ up!
N: Me too, Flea….
G: Hey, youse two, I’m the stinkin’ patient here, not youse two. Don’t try an’ steal any of the attention I’m supposed to be gettin’—I’m supposed to be the center of attention here! SFX: [Cartoon Baby] [Clinking Coins] So, Frombilagonga, what’s the stinkin’ lousy better baaad news, then?
DF: Eet appears dat, due to severe dimension burn, your blood ees green!
G: Ya mean I got chloroflop in my blood? Like plaaaants?
DF: Qvite possibly like plants, Diroctor Gneeecey. I vill have to admit you for observation and further testing. And dee series of Dimeosacion injections are not done on an outpatient basis—dey must be done under medical supervision.
G: SFX: [Cartoon Baby] [Clinking Coins]
F: Oh, Zig…I’m so sorry…an’ I’m so dizzy…an’ somethin’s ticklin’ both my ears—
N: Flea—plants are growing out of both your ears—these green plants! Green viney plants!
F: Oh, Nicki…help me….
G: Fleaglossitty, ya heard it through the grapevine! Heh hah, heh haah, heh haaah!
N: I’m coming right over, Flea…I’m feeling kind of hot and dizzy too…and….
SFX: [Squeaking Sneakers] [Slip] [Slip and Fall] [Duck Horn]
N: Ow! And something’s coming out of my ear!
G: Ig! Ya jus’ fell on your bimbus! I been waitin’ for this day, forever! Heh hah, heh haah, heh haaah!
DF: I’m afraid I must admit all three of you!
SFX: [Fail Horn] [Cartoon Baby] [Cartoon Character Annoyed Crying] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell]
We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com.
And thank you for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to tell a friend! And keep on laughing!
Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###