Transcript / “Surprise!”- Episode 63, written by Vicki Solá.
All content © 2022 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.
Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki, and the gang….
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Halloween Music Box Cinematic] [Cuckoo Clock]
SOOPERFLEA, AKA FLEA, AKA FLEAGLOSSITTY FLOPPINSPLODGE: Wow, dinnertime awready.
NICKI RODRIGUEZ: Yep, Flea. Time really flies…when…it flies….
F: That’s for sure, Nicki…. Here we are, you, our good friend, our stranded, displaced earthling, and me, canine-humanoid superhero Sooperflea…sittin’ in my fellow canine-humanoid an’ best friend Zig Gneeecey’s kitchen…in his mansion…wit’out him. On his birthday….
N: Yep, it’s Gneeecey’s birthday….
F: Feels like my red cape here is chokin’ me. I feel so guilty. Here we are, safe an’ sound—
N: Kind of. Let’s hope we actually got rid of all the bad guys. When that evil clown of bathrooms Sulak held up his cigarette lighter and ignited all those flammable mierk-covered Markmen, we watched ’em become a bunch of disembodied eyeballs, howling as they floated away up into the sky. But you heard Redheaded Broken-nosed Mark. He warned us they’d be back. And Gneeecey’s diabolical double Ebegneeezer Gesundheit Eeeceygnay is still on the loose—somewhere around here, I’m sure.
F: Yeah. An’ then you an’ me used our powers together—the powers that Zinfandel told us we had—to dematerialize Sulak an’ his nine-foot-tall, three-armed, three-legged clown jerk of a pal, Three. But like I said, Nicki, I feel so guilty. We may never see Zig ever again. We left him behind in that crazy dimension of Whatever-You-Want-Land, an’ we don’t know what’s become of him. He might be freaked out an’ real scared an’ lookin’ all over for us.
N: Flea, we have to remember what your Planet Eccchs leader Zinfandel told us. Y’know, that you and I both wanted to go home more than we wanted to stay in Whatever-You-Want-Land! That the deepest parts of our spirits knew that our devastated Perswayssick County needed us desperately!
F: Yeah. An’ he did say that Zig’s desire to remain to try an’ win back his girl Goonafina Blopperdang overpowered any desire he had to return to Perswayssick County.
N: Well, I’m glad we were able to pick up that last Perswayssick Pooper Scooper newspaper on our way here. At least something’s normal in this half-destroyed city. What’s the date on it?
F: Today’s…Octvember 12th. Zig’s birthday…. SFX: [Cartoon Character Annoyed Crying]
N: Amazing to think we’ve been gone for a whole month.
SFX: [TonePhone]
F: Zig's landline is ringin’. Our cellphones are missin’ in action. Hello?
DOCTOR ALEXANDRA C. IDNAS: Hallo, Flea? Dis ees Doctor Idnas, vit’ Grandma, calling to see if you and Nicki made it to Gneeecey’s mansion safely.
F: Oh, thank you, Doctor Idnas. Yeah, we made it here safely.
DI: Tank goodness!
INGABORE SCRIBLIG, AKA “GRANDMA”: Yah, tank goodness! Vee vere also hoping maybe dat our Zig Gneeecey vas dere, or dat you had possibly heard from him.
F: No such luck. Nicki and I were jus’ sittin’ here in Zig’s kitchen, talkin’ ’bout how guilty we feel, y’know, us two bein’ safe but not knowin’ if he’s okay or if we’ll even ever see him again!
DI: Vee bot’ vant you and Nicki to rest assured dat vee are here for you. Grandma and I vill be by your side as vee avait news of Gneeecey, vhich hopefully vee vill get soon. And vee vill also be part of dat enormous effort of rebuilding our beautiful Persvayssick City dat has been so toroughly ravaged by dee monster kangaroos and dee bad guys!
F: Nicki and I thank you both so much. And Grandma, thank you for the veggie meatballs, too!
IS: You are wery velcome! Enjoy dem. Bye-bye now.
DI: Yah, bye-bye.
F: Guh-bye. Oh, Nicki, what great humans. An’ these meatballs smell so good.
N: Speaking of smells, it’s lucky we found my evidently stolen Splodge parked on Murgatroyd Avenue—with the key still in the ignition. But those Markmen did a job on it—it smells horrible on the inside! I thought I’d be sick on our way up here!
F: Yeah, we’ll hafta get it fumigated…. Nicki, speakin’ of smells, I gotta ask ya somethin’ personal—kinda embarrassin’. But please, be truthful.
N: Of course, Flea. You and I are always truthful with each other.
F: Thanks. Remember back in Whatever-You-Want-Land, when Zig told me I smelled like a zoo? Do I really? Please, be honest. I can take it.
N: Oh, Flea, you do not smell like a zoo. And I am being honest! I think this was a combination of two things. First of all, Gneeecey sees you as a rival—y’know, for Goonafina’s affections—
F: An’ I most certainly am not!
N: I know, Flea, I know. Then I also think it’s a case of projection. He’s projecting his own unacceptable characteristics onto you. Y’know, he doesn’t always smell too good, so I’m convinced that—
SFX: [Bang] [Glass Debris] [Metal Clinks 4, 5, & 6] [Terror Tension]
N: What the—
F: It’s coming from upstairs! Let’s go! SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Bang] [Glass Debris] [Metal Clinks 4, 5, & 6]
N: It’s getting louder!
F: Must be up on the fourth floor! SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Bang] [Glass Debris] [Metal Clinks 4, 5, & 6] It’s comin’ from in there—
N: Gneeecey’s master bedroom! SFX: [Door Open]
N & F [in unison]: Holy Saint Bogelthorpe!
SFX: [Cartoon Baby]
N: I’ll say it again—holy—
F: —Saint—
N & F [in unison]: Bogelthorpe!
N: It’s—it’s—it’s—
F: —Zig Gneeecey—he’s back—an’—an’—
N: —he’s turned into a baby! SFX: [Cartoon Baby] Flea, if—if you come up to my elbow, he just about comes up to your kneecap!
F: Oh, Nicki—I—I—he—he— SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Cartoon Slip] [Slip and Fall] [Duck Horn]
N: Flea! Are you alright?
F: I—I fell on my bimbus!
DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY: SFX: [Cartoon Baby] Sorry ’bout the mess. Well, youse two, don’t jus’ stinkin’ staaand there! I need da bat’room! An’ I’m hungry! Feeeed me! SFX: [Cartoon Baby]
F: Zig—
N: —Gneeecey—
F: Oh, no, Zig—not on my newspaper!
G: It’s my stinkin’ lousy birthday—I got birthday rights!
F: Zig, we are canine-humanoids, remember? Not dogs! True, thousands of AngRangs ago, we descended from dogs, jus’ like dogs descended from wolves. But we are not dogs! We are proud, refined, educated canine-humanoids! We are upstanding, productive citizens, an’—
G: Awstinkin’right then, get me a lousy diaper. An’ don’t take none of this personal. I hate everyone today! SFX: [Cartoon Baby]
F: At least you’re back—we were worried sick about ya!
G: I hadda come back. Long story short, Goonafina told me she was only gonna deal wit’ me by interdimensional email for the time bein’. An’ she stinkin’ told me I needed to take a bath! SFX: [Cartoon Baby]
F: Oh, Zig, don’t cry…. I’ll go downstairs an’ get you some of Grandmas’s veggie meatballs.
G: But I’m a baby—ain’t got no lousy teeth! SFX: [Cartoon Baby] I’m hungry! Feed me! I’m gonna holler till I get what I want. SFX: [Cartoon Baby]
N: Some things never change.
F: Nicki, I can’t leave ya alone wit’ all this. I’ll stay over an’ help ya. I’ll sleep on that cot over there.
N: Thanks, Flea.
F: I’m gonna zip out an’ pick up some baby supplies. On our way up here, I saw King Oggle’s Supermarket is open. Still got a little change in my pocket.
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Rockabye Piano] [Snoring] [Cartoon Baby]
N: Now what? This is about the fifth time in the last hour. We’ve fed him, we’ve burped him….
F: An’ I changed him.
N: Yeah, Flea, you’ve earned my eternal thanks.
G: SFX: [Cartoon Baby] Ya were stinkin’ snorin’, Fleaglossitty! Ya woke me up! I’m a baby—I need my lousy sleep! Ya better stop snorin’ as soon as ya know you’re startin’ to! SFX: [Cartoon Baby]
F: What am I supposed to do, Zig? Wake myself up so I can ask me if I’m snoring?
G: Don’t get intelligent wit’ me, Fleaglossitty! You’ll never win!
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Rockabye Piano] [Snoring] [Cartoon Baby]
F: Now what, for Bogelthorpe’s sake?
N: Yeah! Now what! We almost got ten whole minutes of sleep…whatever that is….
SFX: [Belch]
G: Jus’ some trapped gas. Bad night.
N & F [in unison]: Bad night!
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Rockabye Piano] [Snoring] [Cartoon Baby]
N & F [in unison]: Now what?
G: Ain’t no propooper ventilization in this here lousy room! Open the stinkin’ window or I’ll end up havin’ to go to a heemahoologist—y’know, one of them blood doctors—to see if my blood needs extra O-two. Then I’ll proboobably hafta get a real igspensive transfusion of extra two! Might not be covered by insurance! SFX: [Cartoon Baby]
F: Oh, Zig.
G: Don’t “Oh Zig” me!
F: Lemme go open the window there. Then maybe we can all get some sleep.
SFX: [Comical Scary Clown] [Cartoon Baby]
N: Now what?
G: It’s that lousy clown again! He’s in the backyard there—don’cha hear him?
F: Nope, Zig. We don’t hear nuthin’, do we, Nicki?
N: Nope, Flea. Y’know, Diroctor Gneeecey, before you, uh, came back, Flea and I expelled—actually dematerialized—those evil clowns, y’know, Sulak and Three.
F: Zig, there’s nuthin’ there.
N & F [in unison]: So, go to sleep!
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Rockabye Piano] [Snoring] [Cartoon Baby]
F: Honestly, Nicki, I don’t know what else to do here!
N: It’s my turn to get up and check on him…. Lemme pick him up out of this makeshift crib.
G: SFX: [Cartoon Baby] Ah, haah, haaah, fiduciary! SFX: [Cartoon Baby] Ig, I ain’t sneezin’ propooperly!
N: Flea, he’s kind of warm—I think he’s running a fever. And when I move him, he clinks like a kid’s piggy bank full of coins. SFX: [Clinking Coins] [Shocking Revelation 2]
G: Ya Ig, I’m a diroctor—not only director of this here lousy Perswayssick County but also a medikookal doctor. Them dimes I usually sneeze out are too stinkin’ big for my little baby-sized nasal passages. So, all them dimes are buildin’ up inside of me—an’ makin’ me sick! SFX: [Cartoon Baby] SFX: [Shocking Revelation 3]
N: Flea, I noticed on our way up here that Florence Ferguson Memorial is open, looks like they’re in full operation. We’d better take him to the ER.
F: Yeah, Nicki, let’s go!
G: Not the hospoopital! SFX: [Shocking Revelation 4] [Cartoon Baby] [Fail Horn] [Magic Spell]
We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com.
And thank you for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to tell a friend! And keep on laughing!
Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###