Transcript / “Riderless Jackass: Whatever-You-Want-Land, Finale, Part 6”- Episode 61, written by Vicki Solá.
All content © 2022 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.
Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki, and the gang….
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Heavenly Crystal Balls with Music] [Magic Ringing] [SciFi Glimmer] [Beach Surf Ambience]
G: Yee-haw! SFX: [Donkey] I’m stinkin’ outta here!
SOOPERFLEA, AKA FLEA, AKA FLEAGLOSSITTY FLOPPINSPLODGE: There goes our Zig Gneeecey—off into the blood-red sunset on a runaway jackass!
F & NICKI RODRIGUEZ: [in unison]: Come baaack!
N: Gneeecey said he’d be happy to ride outta here on a jackass—he made his wish, and now he’s gone!
F: I know, Nicki! This is real, real bad! Like we warned Zig, we’re in another dimension—a strange one. Yeah, it’s like a paradise—we seem to be able to get priddy much anything we wish for. But we don’t really know what’s what around here or even if we’re actually safe.
N: Exactly, Flea. The three of us needed to stay together—for the sake of safety! I just hope Gneeecey decides to come back—and soon. Like I said before, we have some incredibly important stuff to discuss. We’ve gotta make some sort of decision. Yeah, this whatever-you-want-land does seem like some kind of paradise, but we can’t stay here forever!
F: I know, Nicki, I know. My superhero ESP is tellin’ me that things are real bad back in our Perswayssick County! We’re needed—we hafta get back home!
N: Let’s take a look at this interdimensional TV here that you materialized just by wishing for it.
F: Yeah, lemme turn it on…. SFX: [Metal Click 4] [Static Computer Interference] [Bad Electronic Connection] Some static here, Nicki…. But I know that workin’ in radio, you can appreciate technical difficulties due to this transmission comin’ from another whole dimension.
N: Yes, Flea, that’s actually pretty miraculous and—oh, my God—look, it’s—it’s—
SFX: [Scary Background II] [Human Whistle]
F: —it’s Sulak, the evil demon clown of bathrooms! An’ Zig’s rotten Planet HyenaZitania lookalike Ebegneeezer Gesundheit Eeeeceygnay—
N: —and Three, that nine-foot-tall, three-armed, three-legged evil clown sidekick of Sulak!
SFX: [Trumpet Music] [Scary Clown Laughter] [Evil Clown Laugh 6] [A Clown Horn]
F: An’ they’re all dancin’ around there in Zig’s yard—right outside his mansion up there on Bimbus Crack Drive!
N: They’re having a party!
SFX: [A Clown Horn]
EBEGNEEEZER GESUNDHEIT EEECEYGNAY: We are indeed on the verge of controlling this entire dimension! Delightful, is it not, all of the highly productive chaos we’ve produced?
SULAK, THE DEMON CLOWN OF BATHROOMS: Yep, Ebegneeezer, chaos is our friend. Right, Three, old pal?
THREE: Yep, Sulak! Poifect! Gneeecey’s legacy is gonna be the destruction of his precious Perswayssick City ’cause of them giant destructive kangaroo monsters he invented! An’ ours is gonna be that we’re takin’ over Perswayssick County an’ rebuildin’ the whole place the way we wanna! An’ takin’ whatever we want—which we’re awready doin’!
E: We have certainly, as of this glorious moment, taken possession of much, have we not, old chap, including that daft Gneeecey’s mansion? Shortly, I shall ring up that totally ineffective Vice Quality of Life Commissioner, you know, that rather timid fool Jacob J. Qwertyuiop?
SFX: [Scary Clown Laughter] [Evil Clown Laugh 6] [A Clown Horn]
E: And I shall not hesitate to inform the old bloke that I, Bizzig “Zig” Gneeecey, have returned to resume my leadership of Perswayssick County!
S: An’ you’re gonna warn him that ’causa your, uh, travels outta town, ya picked up a little foreign accent—
E: Oh, but of course, old chap—an exotic transdimensional accent! And yet another stroke of fortune is that it appears that someone or something has neutralized our self-proclaimed STEM organization leader, that uncultured miscreant, Redheaded Broken-nosed Mark!
SFX: [Scary Clown Laughter] [Evil Clown Laugh 6] [Trumpet Music] [A Clown Horn]
N: Holy—
F: —Saint Bogelthorpe! This is even worse than my superhero ESP indicated!
SFX: [Static Computer Interference] [Bad Electronic Connection] [Scary Background II] [Sneaker Squeaks]
N: Look, Flea—it’s Altitude!
F: Yeah—looks like our pal, Gneeecey’s giant Gneeezle’s delivery mouse, is runnin’ for his life!
ALTITUDE: Can’t believe I busted nine rotten teeth tryin’ to saw my way outta that stupid steel cage Ebegneeezer an’ Sulak trapped me in! An’ it took me bustin’ half my lousy teeth till I discovered the dopey cage had a dumb door. I coulda jus’ opened the stupid door an’ escaped—an’ saved some teeth! But I finally busted my way out. Ain’t used to all this here runnin’, but I’m makin’ my way back to Gneeezles—I know a real good shortcut from Gneeecey’s house here back to the restaurant—through our county sewer system. Always use that route when I make my deliveries—it’s faster, an’ it don’t smell too different from our food. An’ when I get to that lousy, stinkin’ restaurant, I’m gonna kick open that cash register an’ take all two bucks an’ fifty-once cents of pay that Gneeecey owes me. In cash. I didn’t work them last three weeks for free. Here I go, jumpin’ into the beaudiful sewer!
SFX: [Mud Splash] [Static Computer Interference] [Bad Electronic Connection] [Cartoon Slow Sadness Stinger] [Police Siren] [Fire Engine Siren] [Ambulance Siren]
DOCTOR ALEXANDRA C. IDNAS: Vell, Ingabore, as I said, vee have bought ourselves a little more time. Redheaded Broken-nosed Mark and his men did not succeed in arresting us vit’ dose phony varrants, and he appears to still be under dee influence of dat covert hypnosis dat I administered.
INGABORE SCRIBLIG, AKA “GRANDMA”: Yah, Alexandra, and you did dat so skillfully, right trough our office door! But as you said, he vill eventually come back to his senses.
DI: Yah. My little plan must vurk.
IS: Yah, eef not, vee vill be een deep trouble.
SFX: [Cell Phone Ring]
DI: I vunder who ees dat calling now? Hallo? Doctor Idnas speaking.
SFX: [Scary Ambience]
REDHEADED BROKEN-NOSED MARK: Heya, Doc, it’s me, Mark. I’m still feelin’ kinda crummy, y’know, down in the dumps…. SFX: [Body Fall Human] Ow, jus’ fell again…. Couldn’t be nuthin’ you done to me, could it?
DI: I don’t understand, Mark. Vhat could I have possibly done to you?
M: Me an’ my guys are gonna find out…real soon, when we visit ya, y’know, Doc, for dat group therapy session ya suggested last time we talked. I didn’t start fallin’ till dat last time I visited ya. SFX: [Body Fall Human] [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Static Computer Interference] [Metal Click 4] [Heavenly Crystal Balls with Music] [Beach Surf Ambience]
N: Oh, Flea—poor Grandma and Doctor Idnas!
F: An’ poor Perswayssick County—it’s in a disastrous mess! We can’t allow evil to win! Nicki, we gotta go back home! We gotta make that wish to return home, right? I’m sorry, Nicki…. I see that look on your face. I know Perswayssick County ain’t really your home. Your home is back in your own dimension, on your planet Earth.
N: It’s okay, Flea. I’ve told you and Gneeecey before, that I’m torn. Of course, I miss my family and my old life back on Earth, y’know, in regular New Jersey—desperately. And I’m sure everyone misses me—they must be wondering whether I’m dead or alive. Maybe they’ve even given up on me by now. But I’ve been in Perswayssick County so long, now. I’ve made a life for myself in Perswayssick County. You and Gneeecey are family to me. I love you both….
F: Aww, thank you, Nicki. Your words melt my tough superhero heart—I’m blushin’ the same color as my cape, y’know, under my fur.
N: Flea, I meant every word. And I agree, we’ve gotta do the right thing. We’ve gotta go back and save Perswayssick County. But we can’t go back without—
N & F [in unison]: Gneeecey!
SFX: [Donkey]
F: Look, Nicki! We musta wished Zig back! He’s ridin’ back into our midst—jus’ in time!
N: No, Flea…. It’s the donkey all right—without Gneeecey!
F: A riderless jackass!
SFX: [Donkey] [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell] [Heavenly Crystal Balls with Music] [Beach Surf Ambience]
N: Flea, the sun’s going down, and there’s still no sign of Gneeecey. SFX: [Angels from Heaven] [Closing]
F: Zinfandel! Our wise Planet Eccchs leader—thank goodness! Oh, Zinfandel, what are we gonna do? Please, I’m askin’ humbly for some guidance here!
ZINFANDEL: You’re both special! You both have the power—you’ve had it long before you arrived here in this whatever-you-want-land. You forget that you have the power!
F: But Zinfandel, we can’t wish to go home, back to Perswayssick County, without our Zig Gneeecey!
Z: As long as Zig Gneeecey’s desire to remain here to try and rekindle his romance with his former fiancée Goonafina Blopperdang overpowers his desire to return to Perswayssick County, simply making a wish will not allow him to return to you or to Perswayssick County. It is only true, pure desire that powers any wish made…. I must go now!
F: Zinfandel! Zinfandel, please don’t go! Don’t leave us in our time of need—
SFX: [Angels from Heaven] [Closing x 3] [Jet Engine] [Supersonic Aerodynamic Whoosh] [Magic Summon] [Magic Glitter]
N & F [in unison]: Help!
F: We’re zoomin’ away in some kinda tunnel—we’re bein’ suckin’ us outta this dimension—
N: —without Gneeecey!
F: Help—we can’t go back wit’out him!
Z: I cannot help you—you both wanted to go more than you wanted to stay!
SFX: [Closing] [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell]
We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com.
And thank you for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to tell a friend! And keep on laughing!
Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###