“The Golden Loo: Whatever-You-Want-Land, Part 4” - Episode 59
Gneeecey insists that his fellow canine-humanoid pal “Flea” Fleaglossitty Floppinsplodge, AKA Sooperflea has eyes for his former fiancée, the glamorous Goonafina Blopperdang. And Gneeecey continues to prove, time after time, that when it comes to romance, he hasn’t learned from his past mistakes….
Meanwhile, back in that other dimension of Perswayssick County, Gneeecey’s protegé and Gneeezles’s Restaurant delivery boy, sulky giant mouse Altitude has shown up at his boss’s mansion demanding his back pay in cash—all two dollars and fifty-one cents. When he suspects aloud that there’s something different about his boss, that Gneeecey’s evil Planet HyenaZitania lookalike Ebegneeezer Gesundheit Eeeeceygnay is impersonating Gneeecey, there’s trouble. But the rodent has some tricks of his own up his ratty sleeve.
Speaking of tricks, Dr. Alexandra Idnas has one for evil alien gangster Redheaded Broken-nosed Mark when he shows up to arrest her and her colleague, Ingabore Scriblig, AKA “Grandma.”
We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sandi Solá, Sal Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean and Sammie for being generous supporting members via BuyMeACoffee.com! We appreciate their sponsorship and support more than words can say!
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Transcript / “The Golden Loo: Whatever-You-Want-Land, Part 4”- Episode 59, written by Vicki Solá.
All content © 2022 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.
Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki, and the gang….
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Heavenly Drone] [Magic Eerie Gong] [Magic Ringing] [SciFi Glimmer]
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: Earthling Nicki Rodriguez and her canine-humanoid companions “Zig” Gneeecey and Fleaglossitty “Flea” Floppinsplodge, otherwise known as Sooperflea, still find themselves stranded in a strange, mysteriously magical dimension where you can have just about anything you wish for. Gneeecey has just blown it again with his beautiful former fiancée, Golden Retriever-type canine-humanoid Goonafina Blopperdang. She had unexpectedly rematerialized on the surreal white-sanded beach to search for her missing cellphone. Flea had graciously come to her aid, incurring the jealous wrath of his pal Gneeecey. And Gneeecey proves once more that when it comes to romance, he has not learned from his past mistakes….
SFX: [Heavenly Crystal Balls with Music] [Beach Surf Ambience]
DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY: I caaan’t stinkin’ believe I messed up wit’ my Goonafina again, an’ now she’s gone! SFX: [Cartoon Character Annoyed Crying] An’ she looked so beaudiful, too! Her golden fur looked extra priddy—like she jus’ came from the beauty saloon!
SOOPERFLEA, AKA FLEA, AKA FLEAGLOSSITTY FLOPPINSPLODGE: Yeah, Zig. She did look like she jus’ came from the beauty saloon!
G: Fleaglossitty! Ya jus’ proved you’re after my stinkin’ girl! You’re attracted to my Goonfina!
F: No, I’m not, Zig—I was jus’ agreein’ wit’ ya!
G: I saw the way youse two looked at each other! An’ she stinkin’ kissed ya!
F: I hadda look at her to give her back her lost cellphone!
G: Ya didn’t hafta find it for her! You were jus’ tryin’ to impress her by showin’ off your dopey superhero powers by findin’ it!
F: It was the right thing to do, Zig!
G: I think youse two always liked each other, all the way back from when we were in first-grade wit’ Missus Forkworthy!
F: That is not true, Zig! You know I always had a crush on Prindl—she was the priddiest girl in the whole school!
G: You sayin’ she was priddier than my Goonafina? Come over here an’ say that—
F: I didn’t say that!
G: Ya did!
F: I didn’t!
G: Ya didn’t not!
F: I didn’t not not, too!
N: Guys! Guys! Please—stop!
SFX: [Angels from Heaven] [Closing] [Stagers, Romantic Piano]
G & F [in unison]: Holy Saint Bogelthorpe—it’s Goonafina!
N: Yes, Diroctor Gneeecey! It’s your Goonafina Blopperdang!
G: Goonafina! My Goonafina!
GB: Hi, everyone! Hi, Fleaglossitty! I think I’ve lost my new gold comb—oh, never mind. I just remembered I left it at the beauty salon! And speaking of remembering, remember, ZigZig, you love you more!
SFX: [Closing] [Magic Glitter] [Music Eerie Dramatic]
G: Goonafina! Wait—come back! This time, ya didn’t even give meeee the chaaaance to mess up! Ya didn’t give meee the chance to say it this time— SFX: [Cartoon Character Annoyed Crying] [Music Eerie Dramatic] I’m goin’ for another stinkin’ walk! I’m gonna wish for somethin’ reeeal, reeeal big—y’know, to make me feel better! Y’know, hapoopier.
N: Please, Diroctor Gneeecey, stay where we can see you!
G: Yeah…stinkin’ whatever….
F: Y’know, Nicki, that music playin’ in the background kinda reminds me of one of your old Earth movies…y’know, where that actress Joan Crawford is wearin’ a black sequin gown an’ she decides to walk into the ocean ’cause of a messed up romance?
N: Yeah, Flea, the same dark, dramatic mood. But I don’t think our Zig Gneeecey will walk into the ocean like that, though.
F: I don’t think so either, Nicki. Like Goonafina said, he loves himself more.
SFX: [Cartoon 1] [Magic Spell] [Cartoon Slow Sadness Stinger]
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: Meanwhile, back in that other dimension of Perswayssick County, Gneeecey’s protegé and Gneeezles’s Restaurant delivery boy, sulky giant mouse Altitude has shown up at his boss’s mansion demanding his back pay in cash—all two dollars and fifty-one cents. When he suspects aloud that there’s something different about his boss, that Gneeecey’s evil Planet HyenaZitania lookalike Ebegneeezer Gesundheit Eeeeceygnay is impersonating Gneeecey…there’s trouble….
SFX: [Scary Background II]
ALTITUDE: I can’t believe them two idiots—that evil Ebegneeezer an’ that demon of terlits clown Sulak think they got me trapped in this dopey cage here. Them two jerks don’t know that my rodential teeth here can cut right through metal. SFX: [Sawing] I’m gonna break outta this lousy joint an’ make my way back to Gneeezles—I know a real good shortcut from this here mansion, back to the restaurant—through Perswayssick County’s sewer system. I always use that route when I make my deliveries—it’s faster, an’ it don’t smell too different from most of our food. I’m gonna go back to the restaurant, open that cash register, an’ take all two bucks an’ fifty-once cents that Gneeecey owes me. In cash. He can’t get too mad. I’ll jus’ leave a IOU in the drawer. SFX: [Sawing]
SFX: [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell] [Cartoon Slow Sadness Stinger]
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: Meanwhile, in Perswayssick City, evil alien gangster Redheaded Broken-nosed Mark has shown up at the Murgatroyd Avenue office of Dr. Alexandra Idnas and Ingabore Scriblig, claiming that he has warrants for their arrest, authorized by Vice Quality of Life Commissioner—and county leader during Gneeecey’s absence—the somewhat timid Bassett Hound canine-humanoid Jacob J. Qwertyuiop.
SFX: [Police Siren] [Fire Engine Siren] [Ambulance Siren] SFX: [Door Pound] [Door Bell Ring] [Scary Ambience]
REDHEADED BROKEN-NOSED MARK: I said, open up, youse two. We know you’re in dere. I said, dis is the Perswayssick City Police. On the authority of County Vice Commissioner Jacob J. Qwertyuiop, we got warrants for the arrest of both of youse two.
DOCTOR ALEXANDRA C. IDNAS: And vee said, vee do not believe you!
INGABORE SCRIBLIG, AKA “GRANDMA”: Yah, vee say dis ees nonsense! Stupid nonsense!
M: Open dat door, or we’re gonna!
DI: And vee still say, vee vill not—so you vill have to!
IS: Yah! Vee vill not—so you vill have to!
M: Ain’t takin’ no for an answer, youse two!
DI: Vait. Take a deep breath, Mark! A vary deep breath….
M: Hey, how do ya know my name?
DI: Oh, everyvun knows your name, Mark! You are famous! Now, relax! Please….
M: Your voice is kinda soothin’!
DI: Redheaded Broken-nose Mark, you are feeling vary tired.
M: I am feelin’ tired…I been doin’ a lot…. I’m under lotsa stress….
DI: Yah, Mark, you have been doing a lot. You are more tired by dee second. You vill release your stress. Dere ees a part of you dat can relax deeply, vit’out your conscious mind even trying. Trust eet. Jus’ trust eet. Relax…and take anodder deep breath…and anodder…and anodder…. You are having a difficult time keeping your eyes open, Mark. Your eyelids are so heavy. Your arms and legs are feeling vary heavy…. Mark, you are even forgetting vhy you came here.
M: Yeah…yeah…. I don’t even know why I’m here….
DI: You can hardly stand up, Mark. You have to lean against dee door in order not to fall down.
M: Yeah, I’m havin’ real, real bad trouble even standin’ here, Doc.
DI: [slower] I know, Mark, I know…. Now, you are going to turn around. You have just enough energy to valk back to your car. You vill have your guys drive you home. And den you vill go to sleep. For a long time, Mark. And you vill forget dat you ever came here or vhy you did….
SFX: [Body Fall Human]
M: Man, I’m so tired, I jus’ fell….
DI: Dat ees okay, Mark. You have just about enough strength to get up and valk back to your car. You vill have your guys drive you home. And den you vill go to sleep. For a vary long time. And you vill forget dat you ever came here, or vhy…. Okay, Mark?
M: You got it, Doc. I am gone. Gotta go home an’ sleep before I fall asleep….
SFX: [Magic Glitter] [Car Engine]
IS: Alexandra, dat vas absolutely incredible!
DI: Just a slight demonstration of vhat vee call covert hypnosis, Ingabore! He vas a pretty easy subject—but vee cannot remain complacent. Vee have only bought ourselves a little more time—you know, he vill eventually come back to his senses.
SFX: [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell] [Heavenly Crystal Balls with Music] [Beach Surf Ambience]
F: Zig, what’cha doin’ now?
G: Stinkin’ told ya. I’m gonna wish for somethin’ reeeal, reeeal big—y’know, to make me feel better! Y’know, hapoopier!
F: Y’know, while you were walkin’, Nicki an’ I were talkin’. We both think we should make a special wish to go back home, y’know, back to our Perswayssick County. My superhero ESP is givin’ me this real uneasy feelin’, like bad things are goin’ on there an’ we’re really needed there, back home.
G: Fleaglossitty, you’re always tryin’ to wreck my fun! An’ you know your lousy superhero ESP ain’t been too ackookurate these days, anyway!
N: Diroctor Gneeecey, I agree with Flea—I have an uneasy feeling, too. We really need to get back to Perswayssick County. Things were in a total mess there when we escaped, with all those giant kangaroo monsters destroying the city, and the bad guys banding together. I mean, you’re Perswayssick County’s Grate Gizzygalumpaggis and Quality of Life Commissioner. You’re supposed to be in charge! Perswayssick County is in crisis!
G: Ya Ig, you’re always ruinin’ my fun, too. I did have a dream durin’ my last nap that some diaboliboobical criminal squirrels were holdin’ up county hot dog stands an’ hijackin’ small commuter jets an’ parkin’ ’em high up in trees. But I don’t think it means nothin’. Proboobably an anxiety dream ’cause of the baaad luck I’m havin’ tryin’ to win back my Goonafina.
F: Zig, we really need to pay attention to our dreams. They’re tryin’ to give us guidance!
G: Aaaaah—dreams are jus’ free movies wit’out the popcorn. I am now gonna make my big wish.
F: I give up on ya, Zig.
G: Shaddup, Fleaglossitty. I wish for a solid gold ten-foot-high treehouse toilet wit’ a rope ladder I can pull up. That way, nobody can’t bother me when I’m, y’know, goin’, an’ I can have a real good view if I don’t wanna read! Even though I wished for a magazine rack, too. SFX: [Angels from Heaven] [Closing]
F: What the—Holy Saint Bogelthorpe—
N: His solid gold ten-foot-high treehouse toilet with a rope ladder has just materialized—
F: —right beneath his bimbus!
G: Look at me! I am grate—G-R-A-T-E! I am so high an’ mighty! I am king of all I see! King of the golden loo! My terlit is real gold! Heh hah, heh haah, heh haaah! Ain’t no one more important than meeeeeeee! Ain’t no one better than meeeee in this whole stinkin’ universe!
SFX: [Closing] [Magic Glitter] [Cartoon Slip] [Slip and Fall] [Duck Horn]
G: Ow! Fell on my lousy bimbus! My beaudiful stinkin’ terlit jus’ dematerialized! Disappeared right from underneath me! SFX: [Cartoon Character Annoyed Crying]
F: Zig, ya did it again. Ya never always always never seem to learn, do ya never? SFX: [Cartoon Character Annoyed Crying] The bigger ya are, the harder ya fall! SFX: [Cartoon 1] [Fail Horn] [Magic Spell]
We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com.
And thank you for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to tell a friend! And keep on laughing!
Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###