Transcript / “Sweet As Candy: Whatever-You-Want-Land, Part 3”- episode 58, written by Vicki Solá.
All content © 2022 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.
Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki, and the gang….
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Heavenly Drone] [Magic Eerie Gong] [Magic Ringing] [SciFi Glimmer]
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: Earthling Nicki Rodriguez and her canine-humanoid companions “Zig” Gneeecey and Fleaglossitty “Flea” Floppinsplodge, otherwise known as Sooperflea, still find themselves stranded in a seemingly benign, magical dimension where just about anything you wish for can materialize. Well, kind of…. In last week’s Episode 57, “I Love You More: Whatever-You-Want-Land, Part 2,” the self-centered Gneeecey’s dream of reuniting with the fiancée who jilted him, glamorous Golden Retriever-type canine-humanoid Goonafina Blopperdang, was all but dashed—due to his inability to learn from the past. In preparation for what he had dreamed would be a romantic evening, Gneeecey had also wished aloud for Zinfandel, two sparkling goblets, and of course, his beloved. Instead of wine, he had unwittingly summoned Zinfandel, the leader of his Planet Eccchs….
SFX: [Heavenly Crystal Balls with Music] [Beach Surf Ambience]
DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY: Haaah? Whaaat?
ZINFANDEL, THE VOICE IN THE SKY: I said, you never seem to learn, do you, son?
G: Who are ya, really? Ya caaan’t really be—
Z: As usual, son, you must be told things more than once. Many times, in fact. I said, you ordered me. Don’t you remember? This is Zinfandel, your leader. Leader of your Planet Eccchs!
G: Heh, heh…. I thought I ordered wine an’ a coupla nice glaaases, not yooooou!
Z: I have been watching you, Zig Gneeecey. Monitoring you all the way from Planet Eccchs.
G: Heh, heh…didn’t know ya could see me all the way from there….
SOOPERFLEA, AKA FLEA, AKA FLEAGLOSSITTY FLOPPINSPLODGE: Remember, Zig, when us fifteen million Planet Eccchsers got stranded in the dimension of Perswayssick County, an’ Zinfandel charged you wit’ leadin’ us all an’ findin’ a way to get us back to our planet?
G: Shaaaddup, Fleaglossitty—no one asked for your input—
Z: Quiet, Bizzig “Zig” Gneeecey! Fleaglossitty Floppinsplodge speaks the truth! I have been watching you for a long time. It appears that you have indeed been leading our stranded Planet Eccchsers, but perhaps spending a bit too much time elevating and enriching your ego-driven self—at the expense of our many citizens—and your appointed mission!
G: Ah, hah, haah, fiduciary! SFX: [Clinking Coins]
F: Bless ya, Zig.
G: Aaah—there ya go again! Go bless your stinkin’ self, Fleaglossitty—
Z: That was uncalled for, Zig Gneeecey! You must be allergic to the truth!
G: Is it too late for me to change my ways? Ouch!
Z: Get up off your knees, son. It is never too late…until it is….
G: Will I ever get back my Goonafina?
Z: That all depends upon you, Zig Gneeecey. It hinges upon whether you choose to learn from your past mistakes and proceed to alter your ways.
F: Zinfandel, is there any way ya can get us back to our Perswayssick County? Better yet, can ya get all of us back to Planet Eccchs, an’ our Earthlin’ friend Nicki here back to her planet?
Z: Fleaglossitty I applaud you for your caring ways and many heroic actions. As you know, we do maintain an electronic link-up between your Perswayssick County and our Planet Eccchs. Our computers have a twenty-seven-zillion-point-two terafluroflop capability. And as you know, we can even transfer certain light materials back and forth, but alas, we have no way to transfer heavier materials or living beings.
F: I know…I know….
Z: In fact, the me that you see here before you, the Zinfandel that you see standing here in these immaculate white sands, is only an extension of myself, a mental manifestation traveling across several dimensions. Most of me—my solid physical form, that is, remains on our Planet Eccchs. I assure you, though, that our Planet Eccchs scientists are working tirelessly—day and night, thirteen months a year, to resolve this crisis. My energies are fading…I must go now…I will try to return…in the meantime, be true to your inner selves!
SFX: [Closing] [Magic Glitter]
G & F [in unison]: Noooo! Zinfandel! Come back! Please!
SFX: [Cartoon Character Annoyed Crying x 2] [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell] [Cartoon Slow Sadness Stinger]
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: Meanwhile, back in that other dimension of Perswayssick County, the evil federation known as STEM continues, in Gneeecey’s absence, to plot a takeover of the county. Murderous alien gangster Markman, Redheaded Broken-nosed Mark is the self-proclaimed boss. Meanwhile, Sulak, the Demon Clown of Bathrooms, and Ebegneeezer Gesundheit Eeeceygnay, Gneeecey’s stranded lookalike from Planet HyenaZitania, both currently occupying Gneeecey’s mansion, have decided to double-cross their leader. And wimpy Brown-haired Mark has earned the wrath of his ruthless redhead boss. He failed, and miserably so, to accomplish his assignment—that of impersonating Nicki and intimidating Gneeecey’s Doctor Alexandra Idnas and therapist Ingabore Scriblig. Looks like the dark-haired Markman has decided to team up with Sulak and Ebegneeezer, too.
SFX: [Scary Background II] [Door Open] [Squeaking Sneakers]
SULAK, THE DEMON CLOWN OF BATHROOMS: Ebegneeezer, I heard the door open. We wasn’t expectin’ no one today, was we?
EBEGNEEEZER GESUNDHEIT EEECEYGNAY: No, Sulak, old chap. I do not believe that we were anticipating the arrival of any visitors.
S: This is fishy—
SFX: [Squeaking Sneakers]
S: Eeeeeeeeeks! A giant mouse!
E: No worries, old boy, you can come down off that chair. It is only Gneeecey’s protegé, his Gneeezle’s Restaurant delivery boy, that rather hapless, oversized rodent named Altitude.
ALTITUDE: An’ I ain’t a rather happy mouse, boss! Ain’t been paid in three weeks now, an’ I want my money—all two bucks an’ fifty-one cents! An’ I want it in cash—not a lousy bouncin’ check! Gimme my money right now!
E: We must take a look at the books first before we dispense any funds, old chap.
A: Hey—I ain’t old! An’ why’re ya talkin’ so funny—wait—you ain’t my boss—you ain’t Gneeecey—you’re that evil Ebegneeezer lookalike guy from Planet HyenaZitania! The one that went missin’! What did you do wit’ my boss? Hah? Hah? What did ya do wit’ the real Gneeecey?
S: Get him—quick!
E: Righto!
SFX: [Bang] [Crash Metal]
A: Haaaaaaalp! Haaaaaaalp!
SFX: [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell] [Cartoon Slow Sadness Stinger]
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: Meanwhile, in Perswayssick City, in the Murgatroyd Avenue office of Doctor Alexandra C. Idnas and therapist Ingabore Scriblig, otherwise known as “Grandma” ….
SFX: [Police Siren] [Fire Engine Siren] [Ambulance Siren]
INGABORE SCRIBLIG, AKA “GRANDMA”: Alexandra, I am going to feed some of my veggie meatball crumbs to dee hundreds of tiny little Nickis, Gneeeceys, and Sooperfleas vee are keeping in dee aqvarium here.
N, G, & F [in unison]: Blah, blah, blah, blah….
IS: Dey sound wery hungry. And dey do appear to be much smaller each time vee see dem. I am wery vurried.
DOCTOR ALEXANDRA C. IDNAS: I am too, Ingabore. Dey replicated vit each replicating giant kangaroo monsters dat ravaged our city. And just as dose replicating monsters have become smaller and veaker vit each generation—actually shrinking—eet looks like our little friends here are also becoming smaller and veaker. I do not know vhat vill become of dem.
IS: All vee can do ees our best. Vee vill take care of dem as long as dey exist.
DI: Yah, Ingabore. I am really most vurried about vhat has happened to dee first generation—you know, dee actual Nicki, Gneeecey, and Sooperflea.
IS: Me too, Alexandra. Me too….
SFX: [Police Siren]
DI: Dose sirens are getting louder and louder!
IS: Yah, and much closer!
SFX: [Door Pound] [Door Bell Ring]
IS: Alexandra, vee veren’t expecting anyvun today, vere vee?
DI: No, Inagabore, vee vere not. Who ees dere?
SFX: [Door Pound] [Door Bell Ring] [Scary Ambience]
REDHEADED BROKEN-NOSED MARK: Open up, youse two. We know you’re in dere.
DI: Who are you? And vhat do you vant?
M: Police. Perswayssick City Police. On the authority of County Vice Commissioner Jacob J. Qwertyuiop, we got warrants for the arrest of both of youse two.
DI: I do not believe you!
IS: Yah, dis ees nonsense!
M: Open dat door, or we’re gonna!
DI: Vee vill not—so you vill have to!
IS: Yah! Vee vill not—so you vill have to!
SFX: [Fail Horn] [Music Logo Big Band] [Cinematic Boom A] [Magic Spell] [Heavenly Crystal Balls with Music] [Beach Surf Ambience]
NICKI RODRIGUEZ: Where are you going, Diroctor Gneeecey?
F: Yeah, Zig, where ya goin’?
G: I’m goin’ for a lousy walk. Got lotsa dopey junk to think about….
N: Well, please, don’t go too far…we still don’t really know much about this place.
F: Yeah, Zig, please stay where we can see ya—Nicki’s right. We gotta stay together. We still don’t actually know what’s what around here.
G: Stinkin’ whatever….
F: There he goes, Nicki. Looks like he’s jus’ walkin’ along the shoreline where we can still see him.
N: Yeah, Flea. He’s got lots to think about after that surprise encounter with Zinfandel. He’s depressed—I’d actually be surprised if he wasn’t.
F: Yeah, he knows he’s really gone off course wit’ his mission—the one Zinfandel charged him wit’. An’ now he knows that Zinfandel has been watchin’ him the whole time.
SFX: [Angels from Heaven] [Closing]
F: What the—
SFX: [Stagers, Romantic Piano]
F: Holy Saint Bogelthorpe—
N: It looks like Goonafina Blopperdang has returned!
GB: Hi, Fleaglossitty!
F: Why…why, hello again, Goonafina. What brings us the great pleasure of seeing you here again?
GB: I think I must have lost my cellphone somewhere here on the beach.
F: Lemme try usin’ my superhero ESP to locate it. SFX: [Cartoon Superhero Fanfare] Aha…my ESP worked! There it is—your cellphone! An’ none the worse for the wear!
GB: Aww, thank you, Fleaglossitty! You’re as sweet as candy! Muh!
G: Hey! Hey! I stinkin’ saw that—an’ I stinkin’ heard that! Fleaglossitty! An’ she kissed ya! You stinkin’ trynna steal my girl? How daaaare yoooou? Goonafina! Goonafina! Yooou love meeee more! Remember?
SFX: [Closing] [Magic Glitter] [Music Eerie Dramatic]
G: Goonafina! My Goonafina! Come baaaack! I didn’t meeeean it! Well, yeah, I stinkin’ did, but I didn’t! SFX: [Cartoon Character Annoyed Crying]
F: Oh, Zig, ya did it again. Ya never always always never seem to learn.
G: Whaddaya mean I never always never always always never seem to learn?
F: Zig, I didn’t say ya never always never always always never seem to learn! I said ya never always always never seem to learn.
G: Ya did not!
F: Did too!
G: Didn’t not!
F: Didn’t not not!
N: Guys! Guys! Please! Stop!
G: Ya did not!
F: Did too!
G: Didn’t not!
F: Didn’t not not!
SFX: [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell]
We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com.
And thank you for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to tell a friend! And keep on laughing!
Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###