Transcript / “I Love You More: Whatever-You-Want-Land, Part 2”- episode 57, written by Vicki Solá.
All content © 2022 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.
Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki, and the gang….
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Heavenly Drone] [Magic Ringing]
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: And so, our two canine-humanoids “Zig” Gneeecey and Fleaglossitty “Flea” Floppinsplodge, otherwise known as “Sooperflea,” and their human Earthling companion Nicki Rodriguez have survived a potentially deadly dimension jump from the, well, unlucky-for-them locale of Dworkvilletown, and into what could be the far reaches of the universe. The three find themselves walking on a pristine, white-sanded beach, in a paradise where it appears that you can have whatever you wish for. Kind of….
SFX: [Heavenly Crystal Balls with Music] [Beach Surf Ambience]
DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY: Ow! I can’t stinkin’ believe that beaudiful white horsey I wished for jus’ stinkin’ disappeared from right under me an’ made me fall on my lousy bimbus—all the way to the ground! My dopey bimbus is still smarting!
SOOPERFLEA, AKA FLEA, AKA FLEAGLOSSITTY FLOPPINSPLODGE: Y’know, Zig, sometimes I think your bimbus is smart—smarter than the rest of ya. Ya never seem to learn!
G: Whaaat? How daaaare ya incinerate that I always never seem to learn?
F: Y’know what they say, Zig. Pride comes before a fall! An’ it sure did—again!
G: Come over here an’ say that, Fleaglossitty, why don’cha? Ain’t got the guts, hah, superhero?
NICKI RODRIGUEZ: Guys, guys, please! Here the three of us are, stranded yet again in another strange place. We really know much about it. We don’t know if we’re finally in a safe and friendly place or if the three of us will even make it back to our dimension of Perswayssick County. I’ve just about given up on ever returning to my home planet Earth.
F: I’m so sorry, Nicki. Zig an’ I don’t know if we’re ever gonna make it back to our Planet Eccchs, either. All three of us have been stranded, missin’ our home planets so much, for so long. An’ Zig, I’m sorry, y’know, for what I said before. I really didn’t mean—
G: Stinkin’ whatever.
F: Is that all ya gotta say for yourself, Zig?
G: It is what it is, an’ it ain’t what it’s not, so it ain’t what it’s not ’cause it isn’t what it ain’t. Fifty percent of the time, anyways.
F: Hah?
G: Don’t argue wit’ me. Youse caaan’t argue wit’ a PUNI graduate. Us geniuses from the Perswayssick University of New Ideas can argue anything both ways! PUNI! PUNI! Rah, rah!
N: Okay, you two. Now, that grand meal that materialized right after we wished for it was so tasty and filling. Let’s keep walking and hoping we really are in a good place. And we have to decide where we’re gonna spend the night—that is, if the sun ever sets around here.
F: Good plan, Nicki. Y’know, maybe if we wish for a little beach hut, one will jus’ appear outta nowhere—y’know, jus’ like everythin’ else we wished for. What are your thoughts, Zig?
G: Well, Fleaglossitty, well, Ig, talkin’ bout our Planet Eccchs is makin’ me think of someone I really miss…. Someone I stinkin’ wish I could have another chaaance wit’.
F: Ya mean, your former fiancée, that priddy Golden Retriever-type canine-humanoid Goonafina Blopperdang? Isn’t she a doctor back on Planet Eccchs?
G: Yeah an’ yeah…. She’s a goonicologist. Y’know, she specializes in goonicology. Anyways, when you, me, an’ the rest of us fifteen million Planet Eccchs snitizens got straaanded in the dimension of Perswayssick County—y’know, when the Ig’s lousy, primitive, stooopid, dopey planet Earth—
N: Hey! My name’s Nicki, not Ig, and my planet may have problems, and lots of them, but—
G: It stinkin’ does, Ig, it stinkin’ does. An’ it attacked—stinkin’ invaded our beaudiful, much more advaaanced Planet Eccchs’s atmosphere an’—
F: Zig, it wasn’t no invasion. It wasn’t no attack. Perswayssick County was created when our dimension an’ Nicki’s collided. It was an accidental interface. You know as well as any of us, it was an “EDE.” An exponential dimensional event. Havin’ to do wit’ time warps an’ the time-space continuum, an’ tripled dimensional displacement. When the outer reaches of our two planets’ atmospheres touched, it created a new dimension, incorporatin’ elements of Earth an’ our Planet Eccchs.
G: Stinkin’ whatever, Fleaglossitty. Ya always gotta compooplicate everythin’ wit’ your lousy, logical explanations. Anyways, me’ an’ you were some of the unlucky snitizens straaanded in Perswayssick County. My Goonafina was lucky enough to still be on our beaudiful Planet Eccchs. We were still able to communicate wit’ each other, y’know, through interdimensional email. An’ then, one day, an’ I still don’t understaaanndicate why, she jilted me! By stinkin’ interdimensional email!
F: Ya still don’t get why, Zig, do ya?
G: What’s there to stinkin’ get, Fleaglossitty? I said, I love you. Then she said, I love you more. An’ then I said, I guess ya do. An’ boom. That was it! She broke up wit’ me!
F: Zig…ya still don’t get it….
G: Shaddup, Fleaglossitty. So, I got a real special wish, but I ain’t gonna make it out loud until a little later, when I, y’know, got everythin’ set up propooperly.
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Cartoon Slow Sadness Stinger]
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: Meanwhile, back in that other dimension of Perswayssick County, the recently formed evil federation known as STEM continues to plot a takeover of the county. Murderous alien gangster Markman, Redheaded Broken-nosed Mark is calling the shots, or so he thinks. He’s ordered Sulak, the Demon Clown of Bathrooms, and Gneeecey’s stranded lookalike from Planet HyenaZitania, Ebegneeezer Gesundheit Eeeceygnay, to occupy Gneeecey’s mansion atop Bimbus Crack Drive. And he’s assigned Sulak’s pal, the nine-foot-tall, three-armed, three-legged clown Three, to stay outside and serve as lookout as he's too big to fit inside any building.
Furthermore, Mark is readying Ebegneeezer to pass himself off as missing county leader Gneeecey. Not one to trust anyone, he’s commanded Sulak and Ebegneeezer to monitor each other and report back to him. Mark also plans to have one of his fellow Markmen impersonate Nicki. He’s tightening the screws on Perswayssick County’s Vice Quality of Life Commissioner, the timid Bassett Hound canine-humanoid Jacob J. Qwertyuiop, and he’s busy trying to intimidate Doctor Alexandra Idnas and therapist Ingabore Scriblig—practitioners who treat Gneeecey.
SFX: [Scary Background II]
EBEGNEEEZER GESUNDHEIT EEECEYGNAY: Oh, Sulak, now that we are alone, may I have a word with you, old chap?
SULAK, THE DEMON CLOWN OF BATHROOMS: I am old, Ebegneeezer, many boingtangs older than you’d even believe!
E: I do believe that boingtangs are roughly equivalent to centuries in terms of linear time measurements on that annoying Earth girl Nicki’s primitive planet. Anyway, old chap, I must state at this juncture in time that mutual distrust does not portend well for the future.
S: Go on, Ebegneeezer….
E: What I am suggesting, Sulak, is that perhaps it would not be advantageous for you and me to place our trust in an individual, and one of such dubious character, who is ordering us, well, to put it in quite blunt terms, to spy upon each other and then betray each other by reporting to him.
S: Ya mean Mark?
E: Affirmative, old chap. I propose that you and I do play along, but on the sly, that we team up to, uh, how shall I express it succinctly, prioritize our own interests at the exclusion of his.
S: Ebegneeezer, you’re readin’ my mind! I been thinkin’ all along that this Mark guy’s really out for himself! Jus’ usin’ us to further his own agenda!
E: So, old chap, I take it we’ve got a deal, then?
S: You bet, pal! SFX: [Evil Clown Laugh 6] [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell] [Cartoon Slow Sadness Stinger]
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: Meanwhile, in Perswayssick City, in the Murgatroyd Avenue office of Doctor Alexandra C. Idnas and therapist Ingabore Scriblig, otherwise known as “Grandma”….
SFX: [Comedy Boing] [Police Siren] [Fire Engine Siren] [Ambulance Siren]
DOCTOR ALEXANDRA C. IDNAS: I said, you are not Nicki Rodriguez. Who are you?
INGABORE SCRIBLIG, AKA “GRANDMA”: Yah, vee don’t believe you. Who are you, really?
STRANGE PERSON: I tol’ youse before. Dis is Nicki. Nicki Rodriguez. Looky here. See, I got her ID.
DI: I told you before, you are not Nicki!
IS: Yah, you are not Nicki! And look at dis person’s face, Alexandra! Dee skin ees peeling off!
DI: Yah, Ingabore—you can see right trough eet! Who are you, really?
SP: Gotta go! I’m outta here!
SFX: [Door Slam]
IS: Look, Alexandra! Dis blonde vig fell off dee veird person as he or she ran out of here in a panic!
DI: I don’t tink eet vas a voman or even a human being! Vee could see right trough parts of hees face!
IS: Yah—vee could see right trough to dee odder side of dee room here! And look, here’s Nicki’s ID—he dropped eet on dee floor!
DI: Oh dear, eet looks singed, like eet vas in an explosion or fire! Our poor Nicki!
IS: And our poor Gneeecey and Flea! Vhere could dey all be? Vhat in dee vurld could have happened to dem?
SFX: [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell] [Scary Ambience] [Cell Phone Dialing] [Dial Tone]
JACOB J. QWERTYUIOP: Jacob J. Qwertyuiop, acting County Quality of Life Commissioner. May I help you?
M: Yeah, as a matter of fact, ya can. It’s me. Your good friend, y’know, the concerned citizen. Wit’ a heads-up for ya. But I don’t wanna bother ya. If ya ain’t interested, jus’ say so, an’ I’ll leave ya alone. Hah, hah….
J: No, no, go on…please…. What’s the latest?
M: Jus’ thought ya might like to know that your boss is back in town.
J: Diroctor Bizzig “Zig” Gneeecey?
M: Yep. The one an’ only. Dis here Perswayssick County’s Grate Gizzygalumpaggis an’ your direct boss, county Quality of Life Commissioner. He’s back at last.
J: That’ll relieve me of some of the burdens of trying to deal singlehandedly with this crisis we’ve been going through. These giant replicating monster kangaroos—
M: Dat your boss invented—
J: Whoever invented them, they are becoming smaller and smaller as they replicate, and they’re now more or less just a nuisance. Our big task is to rebuild Perswayssick City—a gigantic task!
M: Now, listen up. Your Gneeecey might sound a little different—remember, he’s been away. He might’ve picked up a little, uh, foreign accent. Anyways, ya better do whatever he says. Ya might even end up wit’ a new boss—Gneeecey might even step down an’ appoint someone else to take over. Y’know, a new boss for ya. Hah, hah, hah….
J: I’m not sure I’m totally understanding you. Could you—
SFX: [Cellphone Ringing]
M: Gotta go, Qwertyuiop. Got a call comin’ in on my other phone.
Q: But—but—
M: Guh-bye. Hello? Who dis?
STRANGE PERSON: It’s me, Brown-haired Mark.
M: Did ya do the job? Did ya tighten the screws on that Doctor Idnas an’ dat Inagabore, y’know, dat Grandma meatball lady? Did ya convince ’em dat you was Nicki?
SPBM: Had a problem, boss. Couldn’t finish the job!
M: Whadda ya mean, ya didn’t finish the job? I sent you dere ’cause you’re smaller. Her clothes fit ya! An’ ya got a higher voice. Ya messed up?
SPBM: Forgot to zogulate before I went there. An’ dey noticed, skin was peelin’ offa my face….
M: Don’cha carry a pack of mierk wit’cha so ya can, y’know, smoosh it on your face an’ body before it wears off? An’ ya know our code. Always zogulate before an important, uh, job. Ya still got her ID?
SPBM: Yeah, boss…somewheres in my pocket….
M: You better have it. I don’t gotta remind ya what happens to members of our, uh, organization who mess up, do I?
SPBM: I’m sorry, boss! I’m sorry!
SFX: [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell] [Heavenly Crystal Balls with Music] [Beach Surf Ambience]
F: What’cha doin’, Zig?
G: Gettin’ ready to make my big special wish,Fleaglossitty! Jus’ one more touch of magic before I do! An’ Zinfandel! Lemme ask for Zinfandel an’ two priddy, sparklin’ glasses, please! SFX: [Closing x 3]
N: Wow, Diroctor Gneeecey, you’ve set up quite an elegant little table here by the ocean.
G: Yupperooney, Ig! A table for two! How romaaantical! An’ now it’s time for me to make my gigaaantical, graaand wish! I wanna see my Goonafina here right now! SFX: [Closing] [Angels from Heaven] [Stagers, Romantic Piano] Wowzickles! It worked! It stinkin’ worked! Ooooh, my beaudiful Goonafina, how I have missed you!
GOONAFINA BLOPPERDANG: And I have missed you too, my Zig-Zig!
F: Zig-Zig! Ha, ha, ha! How cute!
G: Stinkin’ shaddup! Not yooou, Goonafina. Fleaglossitty here needs to stinkin’ shaddup!
F: Sorry, Zig. Sorry. Ha, ha, ha….
G: I hope ya know, I do stinkin’ love ya, Goonafina!
GB: I love you more!
G: I know! I’ve always known ya do! I love me too! You’re always right! ’Bout everythin’!
SFX: [Closing] [Magic Glitter] [Music Eerie Dramatic]
G: Goonafina! Goonafina! Come back! She’s gone—she stinkin’ disappeared! I don’t understaaandicate! SFX: [Cartoon Character Annoyed Crying]
VOICE IN THE SKY: You never seem to learn, do you, son?
G: Who’s thaaat? What’s that voice comin’ from outta the sky?
V: You ordered me, don’t you remember? This is Zinfandel, leader of our Planet Eccchs! I’ve been watching you!
SFX: [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell]
We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com.
And thank you for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to tell a friend! And keep on laughing!
Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###