Transcript / “Whatever-You-Want-Land, Part 1”- episode 56, written by Vicki Solá.
All content © 2022 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.
Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki, and the gang….
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Heavenly Drone]
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: The last we heard, in Episode 55, “All You Can Eat: Monster on the Loose, Part 8,” the bad guys and cops were closing in on Nicki, threatening to take her down as she battled to rescue her kidnapped canine-humanoid companions. Evil dogcatchers had whisked Gneeecey and Sooperflea off the street before her very eyes. And they threw them into a dog shelter. There, our two distinguished Perswayssick County citizens mysteriously morphed into regular four-legged dogs. The creeps who’d stolen them then adopted them. They proceeded to underfeed and exploit the talking pups, featuring them in a carnival freak show.
Nicki knew that she, Gneeecey, and Sooperflea had no other way to escape. She had no choice but to utter that forbidden phrase—those four often deadly words—that would propel them out of the bizarre dimension of Dworkvilletown and into the unknown…possibly into oblivion.
SFX: [Closing] [Heavenly Crystal Bells with Music]
DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY: Ig! Where in Bogelthorpe’s lousy name are we?
SOOPERFLEA, AKA FLEA, AKA FLEAGLOSSITTY FLOPPINSPLODGE: Yeah, Nicki, like Zig here, I’m wonderin’, where in Bogelthorpe’s name are we?
NICKI RODRIGUEZ: Gneeecey…Flea…I dunno…. We’re floating around in some kind of sparkly golden haze….
G: Ya killed us, Ig! Ya killed us! Ya stinkin’ know you’re never supposed to say them four dangerousical words, specifoofically when you’re wit’ anyone else! An’ when ya said ’em, ya were holdin’ on to the two of us, which ya still are!
N: You’re welcome.
G: Haaah? I’m smellcome? I don’t understaaandicate!
F: Zig, what she means is, she saved our lives! Them two nasty guys Matt an’ Dave were starvin’ us an’ abusin’ us, an’ we had no way to get away from them—I mean, they adopted us an’ kept us imprisoned in a cage! Forcin’ us to perform so they could make money off us! Shakin’ pepper on your nose so ya could keep sneezing dimes for them to steal!
G: Stinkin’ yeah, Fleaglossitty...that was horribooble…my dimes!
F: An’ somehow they turned us into regular four-legged dogs! Now, remember, Zig, you’re the one who originally yelled them four forbidden words back in Perswayssick City when you, me, an’ Nicki were trapped inside the pouch of that ten-foot-tall monster kangaroo ya invented—
G: Y’mean kanga-dyno-roo—
F: That ten-foot-tall monster kanga-dyno-roo ya invented—
G: Named Bob—
F: Lemme finish, Zig. Ya yelled them four deadly words, an’ that’s what propelled us from our dimension into the very unpleasant dimension of Dworkvilletown! We hadda get away from there before the cops an’ the bad guys got us—which they almost did!
N: Guys, I did what I had to do. I was aware of the possible consequences. But I had no choice.
F: We know, Nicki, we know.
G: Speak for yourself, Fleaglossitty. I think we’re dead now. Don’choo think we’re proboobably dead?
F: I ain’t rulin’ that out, but I’m reservin’ my opinion till we see more.
SFX: [Angels from Heaven]
G: Or hear more! See! Ya hear them lousy angels singin’? I stinkin’ absitively posilutely think we’re dead! Dead! D - E- D! Dead!
G & F [in unison]: [Cartoon Character Annoyed Crying] SFX: [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell] [Cartoon Slow Sadness Stinger]
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: Meanwhile, back in that other dimension of Perswayssick County, that recently formed evil federation known as STEM has gathered on the spacious grounds of Gneeecey’s mansion atop Bimbus Crack Drive in Saint Bogelthorpe Parke. Present are Sulak, the Demon Clown of Bathrooms, his pal nine-foot-tall, three-armed, three-legged clown Three, plus Gneeecey’s stranded lookalike from Planet HyenaZitania, Ebegneeezer Gesundheit Eeeceygnay, and that murderous alien gangster Markman, Redheaded Broken-nosed Mark.
SFX: [Comedy Boing] [Police Siren] [Fire Engine Siren] [Ambulance Siren] [Male Scream]
MARK: Kinda real nice an’ peaceful here, even though we can still hear some of dat chaos happenin’ around us.
EBEGNEEEZER GESUNDHEIT EEECEYGNAY: Affirmative. It sounds somewhat chaotic, I must say, actually. Delightful, is it not, old chap?
M: Yeah, Ebegneeezer. Music to my ears. Hah, hah, hah….
SULAK, THE DEMON CLOWN OF BATHROOMS: Chaos is our friend. Good smokescreen to camouflage our, uh, little operation. Right, Three, old pal?
THREE: Yep, Sulak! Poifect! Gneeecey’s legacy is gonna be the destruction of his precious Perswayssick City ’cause of these giant kangaroo monsters he invented! They’re almost as tall as me. Now, we get to rebuild the whole place the way we wanna! An’ take whatever we want!
SFX: [Monster Laugh Dry] [Evil Clown Laugh 6] [Monster Laugh Reverb]
M: Okay, guys. I need ya to listen up. Time to make stuff happen. Ebegneeezer, as Gneeecey’s lookalike, it’s time for you to, uh, inhabit his big mansion here. An’, y’know, play the part— impersonate him an’ take over as Grate Gizzygalumpaggis an’ Quality of Life Commissioner.
E: Jolly good plan, old boy.
M: Go look in his closet an’ make use of his, uh, wardrobe, hah, hah, hah.
E: You mean, look on the floor and under his bed. I find this element of our plot extremely distasteful, in fact literally odoriferous. But I shall reluctantly comply in order to further our plan.
M: Atta boy, Ebegneeezer. Once ya take power, ya can, uh, upgrade your image. Hah, hah, hah,
E: That goes without saying—I certainly shall, at my earliest opportunity.
M: An’ Sulak, you can accompany ol’ Ebegneeezer here, y’know, go reside in the mansion wit’ him. Y’know, watch over him, hah, hah, hah!
E: Oh, I really do not believe that it is necessary that I be supervised, do you?
M: I don’t trust no one till they prove their loyalty! Been burnt one too many times. Sulak, you go in there wit’ him—youse two can monitor each other. An’ report any, uh, problems to me.
S: My pleasure. Good thing about this joint—it got bathrooms on every floor!
E: Oh, that is right, you are, after all, the demon clown of the loo!
S: SFX: [Evil Clown Laugh 6]
M: An’ Three, at nine feet tall, you’re too big to fit in the mansion here, so I’m gonna station you out here in the backyard. You be our lookout.
T: You got it! My height serves as a real advantage! An’ I’ve hung out here before—plenny of times! Y’know, harassin’ Gneeecey an’ that Nicki. An’ even that Sooperflea.
M: Now, Ebegneeezer, while you’re rummagin’ through them closets in there, I wan’cha to bring me some of dat Nicki Rodriguez’s clothin’. Get me some blue jeans an’ a shirt. An’ some shoes.
E: This sounds rather intriguing. How do you propose to implement these items?
M: Got this here wig. An’ her ID, too. When she’s, heh, heh, dressed, she’s gonna pay a couple of ladies a little surprise visit! Now, excuse me while I tighten the screws on someone else….
SFX: [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Cell Phone Dialing] [Dial Tone]
JACOB J. QWERTYUIOP: Jacob J. Qwertyuiop, acting County Quality of Life Commissioner. May I help you?
M: Yeah, as a matter of fact, ya can. Hah, hah….
J: Who is this?
M: Your friend, y’know, the concerned citizen. Wit’ some new info for ya. But, if ya ain’t interested, jus’ say so, an’ I’ll leave ya alone.
J: No, go on…please….
M: Well, y’know them two ladies I warned ya ’bout? Dat Doctor Idnas an’ her, uh, colleague, dat meatball woman?
J: Oh, Doctor Idnas and Ingabore Scriblig?
M: Yeah. Dem.
J: I recently had a lovely conversation with Doctor Idnas, and I really believe everything is okay in their office. I don’t think there’s any reason for—
M: I jus’ paid dem a little visit an’ saw for myself. I think there’s plenny of reason for you to go shut their office down.
SFX: [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell] [Crystal Balls with Music] [Angels from Heaven]
G: Ig! Fleaglossitty! See? Hear? We’re dead, I tell youse! We’re stinkin’ dead! The opooposite of alive! We’re unalive!
F: Ya mean we’re zombies now, Zig? That would stink, literally.
G: We possiboobly are zomboobies, Fleaglossitty. Either way, we ain’t no longer alive.
N: You mean, Doctor Gneeecey—
G: Y’mean, Diroctor Gneeecey. I’m a doctor an’ county director, so that makes me—
N: A diroctor. Okay, Diroctor Gneeecey, so you think we’re dead? You think this is the hereafter? I certainly hope it’s not—
G: The whereafter?
N: The hereafter—
G: Then, that proboobably wouldn’t be here now.
N: What wouldn’t be?
G: The hereafter. Cause we’re here now, not after or before.
N: Well, it’s all neither here nor there. And, this argument is all too familiar—we’ve already had it, remember, when you and I were stranded, suspended in that freezing ice crystal dimension? Y’know, after you shrieked those four forbidden words while you were holding onto me?
G: I’ll always be stinkin’ ashamed of that. An’ I had to yell them four words ’cause that baaad Markman was gonna burn up my teddy bear Yammicles an’ all the mon-ney I had hid inside him!
N: I do recall. But, Diroctor Gneeecey, we don’t need to have this argument all over again now.
F: Nicki’s right, Zig. Now, while we’re floatin’ all crazy in this golden haze, not knowin’ where we are, or if we’re even still alive, it ain’t the time for arguin’.
G: Shaddup, Fleaglossitty. I am gonna finish this stinkin’ argument right now an’ have the last word ’cause if I’m dead, I might never get the chance again! So, now, we know we ain’t in the thereafter, on account of that we’re here an’ not there.
F: Where, Zig, where?
G: You’re jus’ like the Ig—ya don’t understaaandicate nothin’. We ain’t in the lousy thereafter! The here is now, an’ the after would be then. Sheeeesh!
N: But I still have to say, like I did back then, that you don’t know that here couldn’t be there.
G: I am exaspooperated! If it’s anywhere, it’s here now! Ya don’t see it there now, do ya? But it could be, after! An’ it coulda been before, jus’ as well! Prove that it wasn’t or won’t be.
N: Okay. I can’t. Can we stop now? Please?
G: No! Like I said, in case I’m finished, I’m gonna finish this once an’ for all! I’m gonna have the last word! Ya can’t prove here wasn’t there before—but it certaintaneously was unless it wasn’t! An’ ya can’t prove here might not be there after—it’s all fifty-fifty! An’ ya really can’t argue wit’ mathematratical formulas. So, conversically, ya can’t prove anythin’ there was here—then, after, or now. Thereforthically, ya can’t prove we’re not dead.
N: Ya done already?
F: Yeah, Zig, ya done awready?
G: I stinkin’ hope not!
SFX: [Angels from Heaven]
N: I just want to feel my feet on solid ground right now!
F & G [in unison]: Yeah!
N: Feels almost like we’re floating downward! Wouldn’t a beach be nice?
F & G [in unison]: Yeah!
SFX: [Closing] [Beach Surf Ambience]
N: Wow, guys—this is unreal! A beautiful beach—glistening white sand and gold-flecked waves! Even those seagulls up there are sparkling—iridescent! Not like anything I’ve ever seen in my whole life, not on my planet Earth, anyway!
F: Not like anything on our Planet Eccchs either!
G: Or our Perswayssick County. Closest water besides the Perswayssick River is Lake Gizzagoola, y’know, up in Booolabeeezia. But that don’t in no stinkin’ way compare to this!
N: Let me put you two down so you can feel this soft sand—it’s not too hot, it’s nice and warm.
F: Oh, Nicki, I wish we had our regular canine-humanoid bodies again—y’know, wit’ legs an’ feet like yours instead of these—these dog legs an’ paws!
G: Yeah, me stinkin’ too! I’m sick of lookin’ like a regoogular dog! I want my normal canine-humanoid body again!
F & G [in unison]: Yeah!
SFX: [Closing x 2]
F & G [in unison]: Wowzickles! Holy Saint Bogelthorpe!
N: Wow is right! Look at you two! Your canine-humanoid bodies have been totally restored! You two no longer look like, y’know, regular dogs! And you’ve got your clothes back, too!
F: That’s right. Nicki, an’ my red superhero cape ain’t all torn up like it was before!
G: This is wonderfoofal! Y’know, I wish I had back all them dimes I sneezed out that them two bad dog catchin’ guys stole from me!
SFX: [Closing] [Clinking Coins]
G: Wowzickles! Looky! My dimes!
F: Must be a whole mountain of ’em, Zig!
G: Yeah, a whole gigaaantical mountain of dimes—an’ they’re all mine!
F: Now, y’know how them two bad dog catchin’ guys who kidnapped us were hardly feedin’ us?
G: Yeah, them lousy Iggleheimers said they were only feedin’ us each half as much, to save mon-ney! Well, I’m starvin’!
F: Me too! I want pizza wit’ chicken-flavor ice cream on top.
G: Me too! An’ I want a bowl of simmered ice block soup, two jackass patties, medium-rare wit’ grilled cross-eyed cheese an’ a squirt of zurt on the side, a goonafish seaweed melt, a cold can of Slog wit’ extra pulp, a snack bag of Freak O’ Nature Rindom Doodles, a very large piece of goosey cake, a nice gigaaantical slice of sloggenberry pie wit’ a double-scoop of chicken-flavored ice cream on top, an’ a big cup of blue cheese pudding sprinkled wit’ pie.
F: Me too! Make that two orders!
G: Ig, ya want anything?
N: I wish I had a nice juicy veggie burger with lettuce and tomato, a side of sweet potato fries, and a nice cold glass of raspberry-flavored seltzer!
G: Boring, Ig, but—
SFX: [Closing x 5]
G: Holy Saint Bogelthorpe!
F: A feast!
SFX: [Dog Eating Noises] [Belch]
G: This is like the land of whatever ya want!
F: Yeah! Whatever-You-Want-Land!
G: Y’know, Fleaglossitty, I wish I had a big white horsey, y’know, like the one I ride when I lead all our Perswayssick County parades? Y’know, me, the important Grate Gizzygalumpaggis of our county!
SFX: [Closing] [Horse]
N: Holy—
F & G [in unison]: —Saint Bogelthorpe!
SFX: [Horse]
G: Help me up onto this beaudiful gigaaantical white horsey, Fleaglossitty!
F: Okay, Zig!
SFX: [Horse]
G: Looky at meeeeeee! I am grate—G – R – A – T – E! I am king! King of all I see! Heh hah, heh, haah, heh haaah! Ain’t no one more important than meeeeeeee! Ain’t no one better than meeeee in this whole stinkin’ universe!
SFX: [Horse] [Closing] [Magic Glitter] [Cartoon Slip] [Slip and Fall] [Duck Horn]
G: Ow! The horsey disappeared—stinkin’ disintegrated right under me—an’ made me fall on my lousy bimbus!
SFX: [Cartoon Character Annoyed Crying] [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell] [Cartoon Slow Sadness Stinger]
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: Meanwhile, back in Perswayssick City, in the Murgatroyd Avenue office of Doctor Alexandra C. Idnas and therapist Ingabore Scriblig, otherwise known as “Grandma” ….
SFX: [Comedy Boing] [Police Siren] [Cell Phone Ring] [Fire Engine Siren] [Ambulance Siren] SFX: [Door Bell Ring] [Door Pound]
INGABORE SCRIBLIG, AKA “GRANDMA”: Alexandra!
DOCTOR ALEXANDRA C. IDNAS: Yah, Ingabore?
IS: Somevun ees at dee door. SFX: [Door Bell Ring] [Door Pound] [Door Open] [Scary Ambience]
DI: Who are you?
IS: Yah, and vhat do you vant?
STRANGE PERSON: Dis is Nicki. Nicki Rodriguez. Looky here. I can prove it. Got her ID.
DI: You are not Nicki!
IS: Yah, you are not Nicki!
SFX: [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell]
We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com.
And thank you for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to tell a friend! And keep on laughing!
Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###