Transcript / “All You Can Eat: Monster on the Loose, Part 8”- episode 55, written by Vicki Solá.
All content © 2022 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.
Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki, and the gang….
SFX: [Magic Spell][Circus Pipe Organ] [Carnival Ambience]
NICKI RODRIGUEZ: Yep. It’s a carnival—sign there says, “Fishyflock Festival.” And what a big crowd—I can blend in and get lost here. Gotta blend in—there are cops all over the place, looking for me, no doubt! It’s a miracle that my powers worked, and I was able to escape from police headquarters. I see lots of rides and concession stands…selling food…food…I’m so hungry…but I have no money….
SFX: [Circus] [Circus Win 3] [Circus Win 4] [Audience Applause]
N: That’s a strange place over there, selling fish-shaped snacks…hmm…its sign decorated with clowns says, “Fried Dreutzles, five dworks each…. And underneath, there’s a help wanted sign! Lemme check this out—maybe I can make a few bucks and get something to eat—before I pass out. Hi there!
GUY: Hey there, how many dreutzles can I get you? Got a special today—five dworks each, plus a giant mug of grogglesnott juice to wash ’em all down! Tastiest snacks in town!
N: Uh, I just saw your “help wanted” sign posted there…and…and, I’m interested. My name’s Nicki.
GUY: Hey Nicki, my name’s Guy! And I can definitely use some help right about now. We’ve got beautiful weather and a huge crowd!
N: Yes, I see that.
GUY: Impossible for me to be in the back fryin’ up all these dreutzles an’ to be out here sellin’ ’em at the same time. I need someone upfront here, right now, to take care of customers. I can pay you thirty dworks an hour.
N: Thanks, Guy! You’ve got yourself a deal. I’ve worked in fast food before.
GUY: Oh, there’s nuthin’ fast about this food. It’s all fried slowly, to perfection.
N: Would it, uh, be possible to have an advance on my pay?
GUY: Sorry, Nicki, I still have to make the money I’m gonna pay you. Every day’s a new day! But you can have all the dreutzles you want—all you can eat! And you can drink as much grogglesnott juice as you want, too, to wash ’em all down! Here, try one of my dreutzles. Careful, it’s hot.
N: Uh, thanks. Hmm…it looks like a fish—
GUY: Well, it is the Fishyflock Festival.
N: This has the consistency of ravioli, drizzled with chocolate icing, and the inside tastes kind of like Brussel sprouts….
GUY: They’re stuffed with spiced throggenberry bitters. You’re not from around here, are you?
N: Uh, no, I’m not….
GUY: Okay, Nicki, I gotta go in the back an’ fry up some more of these. Jus’ holler if you need anything. An’ remember, you can have all the dreutzles you want—all you can eat!
SFX: [Circus Pipe Organ] [Carnival Ambience] [Audience Applause]
DAVE: Step right up here! Step right up here! Freak show! Freak show! Come see the two talkin’ dogs! Come see the mutt that sneezes money!
MATT: Get your tickets now! Only five dworks each!
DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY: I ain’t no stinkin’ mutt, an’ I don’t sneeze on command! Ya gotta pay me an’ Fleaglossity upfront if youse want us to perform!
D: Jus’ shaddup an’ do what we say if youse wanna eat—
SOOPERFLEA, AKA FLEA, AKA FLEAGLOSSITTY FLOPPINSPLODGE: My buddy Zig Gneeecey is right! All ya gonna get from us is barkin’! SFX: [Cartoon Dog Barking] No money upfront, no performance!
D: Youse two sure about dat?
G & F [in unison]: Yeah!
SFX: [Cartoon Dog Barking]
G: Woof! Woof! Woof! Grrrrrrrr! Woof!
M: Okay, Dave, them two are makin’ us lose money! An’ lots of it! They’re goin’ back in this here cage of theirs till they get hungry enough to change their minds!
G & F [in unison]: SFX: [Cartoon Character Annoyed Crying] [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell]
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: Meanwhile, back in Perswayssick City, in the Murgatroyd Avenue office of Doctor Alexandra C. Idnas and therapist Ingabore Scriblig, otherwise known as “Grandma” ….
SFX: [Cartoon Slow Sadness Stinger] [Comedy Boing] [Police Siren] [Cell Phone Ring] [Fire Engine Siren] [Ambulance Siren]
DOCTOR ALEXANDRA C. IDNAS: Hallo? Doctor Alexandra Idnas speaking. May I halp you?
JACOB J. QWERTYUIOP: Uh, yes, hello, Doctor Idnas. This is Jacob J. Qwertyuiop.
DI: Hallo, Mister Qvertyuiop, how are you? Ingabore and I can see from our office vindow here dat dee situation in our Persvayssick City ees easing a bit. Dee monster kangaroos seem to be getting smaller each time dey replicate—like a virus veakening each time eet replicates. You can hear, even deir hopping sounds veaker!
J: Um, uh, that’s why I’m calling, Doctor Idnas. I really hate to ask this…but…please, I need you to assure me there’s been nothing bad, y’know, uh, nothing illegal going on there, y’know, inside your Murgatroyd Avenue office.
DI: Vhat? Vhat do you mean? I’m afraid dat I do not understand!
J: Um, uh, I received a phone call from, uh, a concerned citizen who told me that Gneeecey was more than just a patient in your office. As county leader in Gneeecey’s absence during this crisis, it’s, uh, my duty to investigate this. And I really hate to even have to ask you about this.
DI: Mister Qvertyuiop, I have absolutely no idea vhat you are talking about. True, your boss, fellow canine-humanoid Zig Gneeecey ees a patient here. And yes, I am his doctor, and my associate here, Ingabore Scriblig, oddervise known as “Grandma” ees his terapist. Vee vurk togedder to halp him.
J: Yes…but I was told….
DI: You vere told vhat, Mister Qvertyuiop?
J: I was given a tip, Doctor Idnas, that your office has been the epicenter for the origination and production of these giant kangaroo monsters! That Gneeecey has been utilizing your premises as his base, a lab where he creates these vicious monsters that have been destroying our city.
DI: Mister Qvertyuiop, I can assure you dat dis ees utter nonsense. Please, feel free to stop by here any day of dee veek to have a look around here for yourself! Good day!
SFX: [Door Bell Ring] [Door Pound]
INGABORE SCRIBLIG, AKA “GRANDMA”: Alexandra!
DI: Yah, Ingabore?
IS: Somevun ees at dee door. SFX: [Door Bell Ring] [Door Pound]
DI: Yah, and dey sound impatient. I don’t tink Jacob J. Qvertyuiop could get here dis soon. Let’s see….
SFX: [Door Bell Ring] [Door Pound] [Door Open] [Scary Ambience]
REDHEADED BROKEN-NOSED MARK: Heya Doc, Heya Grandma, I think I’ll jus’ let myself in….
DI: Who are you?
IS: Yah, and vhat do you vant?
MARK: I understand youse got a little, heh, heh, problem. I thought maybe I could help youse out. Hah, hah, hah….
DI: Vee don’t know vhat you are talking about. I really do tink you should leave now.
IS: Yah. Dat ees right.
MARK: I wanna give ya a heads up ’bout somethin’ real, real important. Y’know, some top-secret information, an’ how I can help youse. But, if youse ain’t interested, jus’ say so, an’ I won’t bother youse no more—
DI: Please explain yourself and den leave.
IS: Yah!
MARK: Okay, youse two. Word has it dat somethin’ real, real fishy’s goin’ on in here.
DI: Oh, really? And tell me, vhat might dat be?
MARK: A little birdie tells me dat the authorities think somethin’ strange—somethin’ sinister an’ illegal is goin’ on here in your office, an’—
DI: Dat ees not true—dat ees utter nonsense!
MARK: Well, dat’s the word on the street. So, I thought dat maybe for a small fee dat we could, uh, discuss, me an’ my guys, uh, protectin’ youse an’ your assets, hah, hah, hah. An’ we could set a few people straight, y’know, especially those in power. Hah, hah, hah…. Y’know, for just a small fee, we can protect youse gals from all sorts of, uh, y’know, mishaps.
DI: Vee are not “gals.” Vee are vomen. Vee are health professionals. Vee do not need you or anyvun else to protect us. Vee can take care of ourselves. Now, please leave.
IS: Yah, please leave right now.
MARK: Okiedokie, youse two. But I can’t really guarantee what might happen next. Might be too late to help youse, then. Hah, hah, hah…. Guh-bye.
SFX: [Door Slam] [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell] [Circus Pipe Organ] [Carnival Ambience] [Applause]
N: Oh, man, this is hard work. My new boss didn’t give me a break one minute too soon…. He said to be back in fifteen doingdwerps…however long that is…. Yeah…all I can eat, he said. I did, and my stomach’s killing me. I can’t believe I’m in another mess. First, I end up marooned in the dimension of Perswayssick County. Stranded. Don’t know if I’ll ever see my family—or my planet Earth ever again. Now, I’m prisoner in yet another dimension. And now Gneeecey and Sooperflea are missing—kidnapped by those two creep dog catchers! Supposedly “adopted” by them! I never ever thought I’d long for Perswayssick County. I gotta find Gneeecey and Flea! I don’t know what to do next, or even where I’m gonna sleep tonight—that is unless the cops here pick me up again and this time lock me up. Lemme stretch my aching legs and have a look around….
SFX: [Circus Win 3] [Circus Win 4] [Laughter]
N: Lemme go over there and see what all that laughter’s about….
N: Oh. My. God….
SFX: [Spooky Hollow Fear] [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger]
D: Step right up here! Step right up here! Freak show! Freak show! Come see these two talkin’ dogs! Come see the mutt that sneezes money!
M: We only got a few tickets left! Only five dworks each—don’t miss out!
D: Yeah! Deese two, dey finally decided to work ’cause they’re hungry! Listen to their stomachs roar!
N: Those are the two creep dog catchers that kidnapped Gneeecey and Flea! And, oh my God…my two canine-humanoid friends have turned into…into…regular, four-legged dogs! I remember when we first arrived in this weird dimension…all those money trees, with fake hundred-dollar bills growing on their branches. Those bills weren’t real—each one had a penalty printed on its back. And Gneeecey couldn’t stop picking those hundreds even though Flea warned him they weren’t real. I remember now, one that Gneeecey had picked said something about going through a portal that would change him. And another said that all his penalties would be shared with his best friend…Flea!
SFX: [Rumbling Stomach x 2]
D: Listen, them two dogs’ stomachs are rumblin’ ’cause they’re empty! Hah, hah, hah! We’re gonna make ’em work for their food! Right, folks?
SFX: [Audience Laughter]
N: That’s not freaking funny! These creeps are mistreating my family members!
D: Okay, now, here, youse two! Youse wanna eat? Youse gotta work an’ earn your food, jus’ like we do! Okay, ya white an’ black mutt, I said sneeze! Now! Maybe a sniff or two of this here pepper will help ya remember how!
G: Ah, hah, haah, fiduciary! SFX: [Clinking Coins] [Audience Applause]
M: Let’s scoop all these coins up. An’ let’s have him sneeze out some more—if he an’ his pal here wit’ the red superhero cape wanna eat today. Got more pepper, Dave?
D: Yeah, some extra-strength pepper—here, take another sniff, mutt!
G: Ah, hah, haah, fiduciary! SFX: [Clinking Coins] [Cartoon Slip] [Slip and Fall] [Duck Horn] [Audience Laughter]
G: All-stinkin’-right! Youse two jerks made me fall on my lousy bimbus, an’ it ain’t funny!
F: Yeah, an’ it ain’t funny that you two said you’re feedin’ us half as much to save money!
G: Yeah! Listen up here, all youse carnival workers here an’ all youse workers in this whole dopey land! If we gotta work to eat, we want fair stinkin’ workin’ conditions!
F: Yeah! Like Zig says, we want fair conditions! We demand fair workin’ conditions!
SFX: [Audience Applause] [Crowd Cheering]
D & M [in unison]: Hey! What are youse two doin’?
G: Youse carnival workers here! An’ all youse workers in this lousy, weird Dworkvilletown, untie—I mean, unite! Unite!
SFX: [Crowd Cheering]
G: We demaaand wage increases—more mon-ney! Lots more mon-ney!
SFX: [Audience Applause] [Crowd Cheering]
F: That’s right! What he said!
G: An’ we want stinkin’ health insurance! An’ lousy retirement benefits! An’ vacation an’ holiday pay, too! An’ a clown-free workplace!
SFX: [Crowd Cheering]
F: Yeah! All the stuff ya don’t give your own workers back in Perswayssick County, Zig—
G: Shaaaddup, Fleaglossitty! Everyone, come see us an’ sign up for fair repoopresentation!
D: We gotta stop them two! They’re outta control!
M: Yeah, we gotta catch ’em an’ stuff ’em back in their cage! They ain’t gonna eat tonight!
N: Flea! Gneeecey!
G: It’s the Ig! Stinkin’ help!
F: Nicki! Help!
F & G [in unison]: Help! Help! Help!
SFX: [Cartoon Character Annoyed Crying x 2]
D: Hey—you—whadda you think you’re doin’?
M: Let go of our dogs! Now!
N: They’re not yours! They’re mine!
D: Officer! Officer! Ya gotta stop this girl!
M: She’s stealin’ our dogs!
OFFICER: She’s the one we’ve been looking for—she escaped from our headquarters! You! Miss! Stop right now! Or we’re gonna take you down!
F: Nicki! I didn’t know ya could run this fast!
G: Yeah, Ig! You’d be a good football player! An’ bein’ stuck under your arm here, I’m glaaad your deodorant’s still workin’!
F: Zig!
N: We gotta get outta here, now! Guys, I got no choice—you two, hold onto me as tight as you can!
F & G [in unison]: Okay!
N: Three-forty-two blue!
SFX: [Explosion] [Jet Engine] [Supersonic Aerodynamic Whoosh] [Magic Summon] [Magic Glitter] [Spooky Hollow Fear] [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger]
We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com.
And thank you for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to tell a friend! And keep on laughing!
Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###