Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy

Woof: Monster on the Loose, Part 5

August 02, 2022
Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy
Woof: Monster on the Loose, Part 5
Show Notes Transcript

“Woof: Monster on the Loose, Part 5” - Episode 52 

Stranded in a surreal new dimension, canine-humanoids “Zig” Gneeecey and Sooperflea, mistaken for regular dogs, have been nabbed by dog catchers and find themselves caged inside an animal shelter. Their unusual ways—talking instead of barking, not to mention Gneeecey’s tendency to sneeze out dimes—have drawn the attention of the two shady guys who had picked them up. Matt and Dave figure they could quit their crummy city jobs and make a bundle taking these unique canines on the road. They fill out adoption papers.

Meanwhile, a distraught, wandering Nicki is picked by a couple of cops. Dissatisfied with her inability to produce proper ID, they roll their eyes when she recounts how pals Gneeecey and Sooperflea were mistakenly snatched away. The patrolmen insist on taking her to police headquarters to further explain herself. 

Meanwhile, back in leaderless Perswayssick County, Dr. Alexandra Idnas feels she has no choice but to call upon Gneeecey’s nemesis, Vice Quality of Life Commissioner Jacob J. Qwertyuiop. Someone must take charge as the replicating kangaroo monsters created by Gneeecey continue to ravage the city. 

Then, Doctor Idnas and therapist Ingabore Scriblig, AKA “Grandma,” are astonished when miniature versions of Nicki, Gneeecey, and Sooperflea come crawling into their office.

We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sandi Solá, Sal Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean and Sammie for being generous supporting members via BuyMeACoffee.com! We appreciate their sponsorship and support more than words can say! 

https://buymeacoffee.com/Perswayssick (Please support us with a one-time gift or monthly sponsorship amount—various levels available—to help keep us coming to you via BuyMeACoffee.com! We’ll shout you out during our podcast episodes and in our show notes here, plus supply you with more fun perks!)  

https://www.amazon.com/Vicki-Sola/e/B07J29RVMQ (Amazon Author Page, check out our Gneeecey/Nicki e-books and paperbacks!)

https://www.nfreads.com/interview-with-author-vicki-sola/ (Interview with Vicki Solá)

https://perswayssickradio.buzzsprout.com (right here, our Buzzsprout website w/episodes & transcripts!)   

And much thanks to disproportionately cool artist Jay Hudson for our podcast logo! https://yojayhudson.com/

This Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy podcast is made possible in part by a generous grant from The Ardelle Institute, providing Executive Coaching for aspiring and established professionals who want to develop their careers, including upwardly-mobile executives, professionals who may be in between jobs, and college graduates transitioning to the workforce. The Ardelle Institute helps with resumes, cover letters, LinkedIn profiles, interview skills, and effective job search strategies.  For more information, please call (201) 394-6939, that's (201) 394-6939, or visit them on the web at ardelle-institute.com, that's A-R-D-E-L-L-E dash institute dot com. Take it from me, Gneeecey!

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Transcript / “Woof: Monster on the Loose, Part 5”- episode 52, written by Vicki Solá. 

All content © 2022 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. 

Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki, and the gang….

SFX: [Magic Spell] [Magic Eerie Gong] [Magic Ringing] [Sci-Fi Glimmer] [ShoutFx Alien] [Car engine] [Car Horns] [Motorcycle]

NICKI RODRIGUEZ:  I’ve been walking down this road for hours…. I feel myself fading—got nothin’ to eat and no money—not that my money would be any good in this weird dimension. And it sure is dark. And creepy. How am I gonna find Gneeecey and Flea? I’ve gotta find ’em! I can’t freakin’ believe those two jerks mistook ’em for regular dogs and carted ’em off to the animal shelter. I’ve gotta, gotta, gotta find them! But how? I don’t even know where I am! 

SFX: [Police Siren] [Car Engine] [Screeching Brakes]

POLICE OFFICER 1: Hey! You there!

N: Me?

PO 1: Yeah, you! Slowly, real slowly, take out your ID and hand it to me. No sudden movements.

N: ID? Oh, wow…. My pockets…they’re empty…. I’m not from here….

POLICE OFFICER 2: Who are ya? Where are ya comin’ from, and where are ya goin’?

N: My—my name is Nicki Rodriguez. And I’m…I’m from Perswayssick County—

PO 2: Never heard of it. Where ya goin’ at this time of night?

N: I’m—I’m looking for my friends—they were snatched away from me—kidnapped!

PO 1: An’ who might these friends of yours be?

N: Uh…. Fleaglossitty Floppinsplodge and Diroctor Bizzig “Zig” Gneeecey. They were here walking with me, and then these two dog catchers came and mistook them for dogs and—

PO 1: We’ve heard enough. We’re takin’ ya in. Down to headquarters to explain yourself.

N: For what? I’m just here walking, minding my own business and—

PO 2: Vagrancy! Loitering! No ID but a real fishy story! Now, get in this car—don’t make us, uh, have to help ya! SFX: [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell]

NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ:  Meanwhile, back in Perswayssick City….

SFX: [Cartoon Slow Sadness Stinger] [Boing] [Police Siren] [Metal Crash] [Monster Scream] [Male Scream 3] [Glass Shatter] [Scream] 

DOCTOR ALEXANDRA C. IDNAS: Oh dear, Ingabore! Deese kangaroo monsters dat our Diroctor Gneeecey created continue to replicate and create havoc and destruction! 

INGABORE SCRIBLIG, AKA “GRANDMA”: Yah, Alexandra! Dey are replicating like a virus and destroying our beloved Persvayssick City! You said you vere going to call dat Bassett Hound canine-humanoid who’s second in charge under Gneeecey?

DI: Yah. I am going to call Jacob J. Qvertyuiop right now. He ees Persvayssick County’s Vice Qvality of Life Commissioner—he vurks under Gneeecey. Gneeecey does not trust Qvertyuiop and vould not be happy dat I am reaching out to him, but Gneeecey ees missing, and somevun has to take charge here! SFX: [Monster Scream] [Male Scream] [Phone] [Dial Tone]

JACOB J. QWERTYUIOP: Qwertyuiop here. How may I help you?

DI: Oh, tank goodness I have reached you! Dis ees Doctor Alexandra Idnas. Vee need your halp!

JJQ: Hello, Doctor Idnas. I’m all ears.

DI: I’m sure you are avare of dee mass destruction taking place in our city! SFX: {Metal Crash] [Monster Scream] [Male Scream]

JJQ: Yes. And I’m wondering, where’s our county leader? Where’s our Quality of Life Commissioner, who also happens to be our county’s Grate Gizzygalumpaggis? Y’know, Gneeecey?

DI: Dat ees just dee ting, Mister Qvertyuiop—Gneeecey and Flea—you know, Sooperflea—are missing! Deir friend Nicki Rodriguez as vell! I am afraid dat vun of dees giant kangaroo monsters has taken dem! Somevun must take charge here, and you are Vice Commissioner!

JJQ: I know Gneeecey wouldn’t be happy, but I’ve already started— our police and fire departments and our medics are already stretched to their limits. I’ve called in help from other municipalities, but they’re having a rough time too! Looks like these monsters are having babies!

DI: Yah, deese monsters are replicating, like a virus! Dere vere tventy, now dere are forty! I do notice dat some are smaller, but dee destruction continues! SFX: [Metal Crash] [Monster Scream] [Scream] Tank goodness you are taking action! 

JJQ: We’re doing all that we can, Doc…all that we can…. I don’t know what else to tell you. 

SFX: [Explosion] [Monster Laugh Reverb] [Scream] [Male Scream 3] [Glass Shatter] [Fire Engine Siren] [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell] [Halloween Music Box Cinematic Logo] [Dogs Barking in Shelter]

SOOPERFLEA, AKA FLEA, AKA FLEAGLOSSITTY FLOPPINSPLODGE:  Look, Zig!

DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY: Stinkin’ look at whaaat, Fleaglossitty?

F: Us in that mirror over there! We’ve turned into regular dogs! Remember when you were pickin’ them fake hundred-dollar bills offa all them money trees—

G: Don’t try an’ blame this lousy predikookament on meee, Fleaglossitty!

F: Zig, my point is, that money wasn’t real—

G: Stinkin’ looked real!

F: Well, it wasn’t. An’ each bill had a penalty printed on the back. Like, “You ain’t gonna like what happens next. An’, “You are goin’ to jail!” An’, “Ya can’t unpick these penalties.” 

G: Yeah. An’ I remember, another one said, “You will share all of these penalties wit’ your best friend.” That’s yooou!

F: Yeah. An’ another warned, “You ain’t gonna be too happy in your next residence.” An’ the one that said, “You will walk through a portal that changes ya!” That last one sure came true. 

G: They all stinkin’ came true. An’ now here we are, inmates of the Dworkvilletown Animal Shelter—like we’re common dogs instead of the distinguished, very important canine-humanoids that we are! The Ig better find us quick so she can adopt us! What’s stinkin’ takin’ her so long?

F: Poor Nicki. Even though my superhero ESP ain’t workin’ too good here, I know she’s goin’ crazy worryin’ ’bout us! Remember, she’s in this weird dimension too, an’ she don’t know her way around or where she is either! 

G: This dimension stinks—litooterally! There ain’t no propooper ventilization here! Uh-oh—I must be allergical—gonna sneeze some more! Aah, hah, haah, fiduciary! SFX: [Clinking Coins]

F: Bless ya, Zig. Uh-oh! Here come them two dog catchers again—the ones who kidnapped us!

MATT: Y’know, Dave, me an’ you, we could adopt these two dogs an’ quit these lousy jobs here! If we adopt these two talkin’ mutts an’ take ’em on the road, we can make a ton of money!

DAVE: Yeah, Matt. Talkin’ dogs would be a huge attraction! An’ I ain’t never seen a dog—or a human, for that matter—that sneezes dimes!

M: Yeah, a money-sneezin’ talkin’ dog! Let’s go get them adoption papers ready to sign!

SFX: [Annoyed Cartoon Character Crying] [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell]  

NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ:  Meanwhile, back in Perswayssick City, in the Murgatroyd Avenue office of Doctor Alexandra C. Idnas and therapist Ingabore Scriblig, otherwise known as “Grandma” ….

SFX: [Cartoon Slow Sadness Stinger] [Boing] [Police Siren] [Metal Crash] [Monster Scream] [Male Scream 3] [Glass Shatter] [Scream] 

IS: Alexandra! Look! Dere are some tiny creatures crawling in here from under dee door!

DI: Oh my goodness! Dey are tiny!

IS: Dere are about nine of dem! Running in circles all around dee floor here!

DI: Vait—look! Dey are miniature versions of Nicki, Gneeecey, and Flea!

MINI-NICKI 1, 2, & 3, MINI-GNEEECEY 1, 2, & 3, & MINI-FLEA 1,2, & 3 [in unison]: Help! Help! Monster kangaroo had us! Monster had us! We escaped from Bob’s pouch! Help! 

DI: Oh, no, Ingabore! I am tinking dat Nicki, Gneeecey, and Flea must have been replicating in dee monsters’ pouches, along vit each replicating monster—

IS: —constantly creating new generations of demselves!

SFX: [Metal Crash] [Monster Scream] [Explosion] [Male Scream 3] [Glass Shatter] [Scream] [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell] [Halloween Music Box Cinematic Logo] [Dogs Barking in Shelter] [Cartoon Superhero Vocal Fanfare]

F: My superhero powers still ain’t workin’, Zig! We gotta figure out somethin’—an’ quick! We can’t let them two bad guys adopt us—hey, what are ya doin’? Why are ya writin’ on the wall?

G: I’m drawin’ conclusions, Fleaglossitty. That helps me think. An’ I gotta think here. Like they say on the Ig’s plaaanet Earth, an idle mind is Santa’s workshop. Now, after analyzatin’ this here situation, I’ve come to the conclusion that this here is a situational situation, y’know, wit’ situational requirements.

F: Zig, what in Bogelthorpe’s name does that mean?

G: It stinkin’ means that I think I stinkin’ thought of a way for us to get outta this here situational situation.

F: Well, please share your thoughts here, Zig. We’re runnin’ out of time!

G: Okay, Fleaglossitty. Specifoofically, let’s me an’ you stop talkin’ in front of these two guys. Let’s try barkin’ instead. Y’know, like the rest of these regoogular dogs in this here dopey, dilapoopidated facility. 

F: Good idea, Zig. Ain’t gonna be easy, though. We’re canine-humanoids from Planet Eccchs—we’re much more advanced than regular dogs! True, we descended from dogs, jus’ like dogs descended from wolves, but we are canine-humanoids, not dogs! We keep regular dogs as pets! But we got little choice here. We gotta give it a try—it’s our only hope! Lemme try an’ bark, then, y’know, like a regular dog. SFX: [Cartoon Dog Bark]

G: Not baaad, Fleaglossitty, not baaad. 

F: Thanks, Zig. Now you try.

G: Woof!

M: Ha! Look at them two dogs—when they do bark, they sound real, real funny! Comical!

D: Yeah, Matt, they sure do!  Okay, papers are all signed. I’m gonna go ahead now an’ hang this sign statin’ that these two are adopted, right up here, on the door of their cage!

M: Them two mutts are spoken for! Unavailable! Hah, hah, hah….

SFX: [Fail Horn]

F & G [in unison]: Haaalp! Haaalp! Haaalp! Haaalp! SFX: [Annoyed Cartoon Character Crying]

SFX: [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell]  

We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com.

And thank you for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to tell a friend! And keep on laughing! 

Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###