Transcript / “Land of Money Trees: Monster on the Loose, Part 4”- episode 51, written by Vicki Solá.
All content © 2022 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.
Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki, and the gang….
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Magic Eerie Gong] [Magic Ringing] [Sci-Fi Glimmer] [ShoutFx Alien]
NICKI RODRIGUEZ: Oh man…what happened…my skin—it’s all purple! Where am I? I’m half-covered in this clear, glittery mud…and I can’t get up…. SFX: [Mud Splash] [Mud Drops]
SOOPERFLEA, AKA FLEA, AKA FLEAGLOSSITTY FLOPPINSPLODGE: Nicki…is that you?
DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY: Yeah, Fleaglossitty, it’s the Ig!
N: I, uh, think I can just about speak for myself, Diroctor Gneeecey…. Yes, Flea, it’s me. Now, what happened? Where are we? Last thing I remember, the three of us were trapped inside the high-tech pouch of that ten-foot-tall monster kangaroo and—
G: Y’mean, that ten-foot-tall monster kanga-dyno-roo Bob that I invented.
F: Yeah, Zig, an’ then, wit’ the three of us trapped there inside Bob’s pouch, ya yelled them four powerful, forbidden words that you know could’ve gotten us killed! Them four words you’re never supposed to say out loud if you’re near anyone else!
G: You’re smellcome, Fleaglossitty.
F: Whaddaya mean, I’m welcome? I’m lucky to be alive—we all are! Even you!
N: Judging from my purple skin…and my weak legs, Diroctor Gneeecey…your words must’ve propelled us into another dimension! And now we have severe dimension burn….
G: Evoovidently.
F: Yep, as usual, Zig, you’ve done it again….
G: What was I stinkin’ supposed to do? Me, you, an’ the Ig were trapped in Bob’s pouch, an’ them bad alien agents from STEM were comin’ at us from all sides—y’know, them two evil clowns Sulak an’ Three, an’ my hideous lookalike Ebegneeezer, an’ that alien gangster Mark—
SFX: [Thunder 1]
F: That’s weird. I don’t see no sun, but ain’t no clouds neitherwise. Them skies up there are blue…postcard blue!
N: Yeah, Flea. And this translucent sparkly SFX: [Mud Splash] [Mud Drops] glop we’re stuck in seems to be lit from within.
G: An’ all them green plaaants over there, too! There’s light comin’ outta them!
SFX: [Thunder 3]
N: C’mon, guys, we’d better get up and take cover somewhere!
G: Yeah, for once, the Ig’s right. There’s an elekooktrical storm comin’! I defoofinitely hear thunder an’ lightnin’!
F: Ya mean, ya hear thunder an’ ya see lightnin’, Zig.
G: Stop always corrugatin’ me, Fleaglossitty!
N: Okay, c’mon, guys, please. Now…I can’t get up—I’m stuck in this stuff….
SFX: [Mud Splash] [Mud Drops] [Thunder 1]
G: Me too! Haaalp! SFX: [Cartoon Character Annoyed Crying] [Thunder 1]
F: I can’t get up outta this mess neitherwise. Lemme see if my superhero powers are workin’ again! Then maybe I can help youse two…. SFX: [Cartoon Superhero Vocal Fanfare] [Mud Splash] [Mud Drops] [Passing Swoosh Exploding x 3] Still ain’t workin’! My powers ain’t workin’ here either!
SFX: [SciFi Glimmer] [Magic Ringing] [Thunder 1] [Mud Splash] [Mud Drops] [Cartoon Slip]
N, F, & G: [grunting]
F: Okay, I’m out. Finally. Lemme help youse two. An’ lemme know if either one of you sees my new cellphone. Seems to be missin’. I’m still payin’ BlunderbuxxComm for that piece of junk!
G: Okay, Fleaglossitty. Proboobably fell outta your dopey pocket somewheres. Now help me up—I’m next! I’m Grate Gizzygalumpaggis of Perswayssick County. I’m the dopey county leader! An’ Quality of Life Commissioner, in addition to bein’ a big business maggot!
F: Well, Zig, this here ain’t Perswayssick County. I’m helpin’ Nicki next. SFX: [Mud Splash] [Mud Drops] [Thunder 1]
N: Thanks, Flea.
G: An’ now, meee! I’m the important one here.
SFX: [Mud Splash] [Mud Drops] [Cartoon Slip] [Slip and Fall]
G: Ow! I keep fallin’ on my lousy bimbus!
F: Stop your complainin’, Zig. You got us into another mess here—as usual.
N: Okay, guys, let’s just start walking until we get somewhere. I don’t know where….
F: At least the thunder’s stopped. For now, anyway….
N: Y’know, guys, I think we’re all feeling kind of weak, y’know, from this dimension burn. Let’s just lean on each other as we walk—y’know, for support.
G: Sounds reasonabooble, Ig.
F: At least we have some grass to walk on now.
N: And it’s strange grass! Neon-green-colored translucent grass that seems to be lit from within.
SFX: [Glass Debris]
G: What’s thaaat?
F: Seems like it’s that clear muck dryin’ up an’ fallin’ offa our bodies each time we move.
G: Muck reminds me, I’m hungry—real stinkin’ hungry! Wait—Look! Look! Look!
N & G [in unison]: What? What? What?
G: HolySaint Bogelthorpe—looky over there!
F: At what, Zig?
SFX: [Atmosphere]
G: Looky at all them trees! They got mon-ney growin’ on ’em instead of leaves! Mon-ney trees! A whole forest of mon-ney trees! Mon-ney! I love mon-ney! Last one there’s a rotten sclogg! SFX: [Cartoon Slip] [Magic Glitter] [Magic Spell]
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: Meanwhile, back in Perswayssick City….
SFX: [Cartoon Slow Sadness Stinger] [Boing] [Police Siren] [Metal Crash] [Monster Scream][Male Scream 3] [Glass Shatter] [Scream]
DOCTOR ALEXANDRA C. IDNAS: Oh dear, Ingabore! Deese kangaroo monsters dat our Gneeecey created are replicating, like a virus—just look out dee vindow here! Dere vere ten of dem before. Now dere must be tventy of dem out dere! Wrecking everyting een sight!
SFX: [Explosion] [Fire Engine Siren] [Monster Scream]
INGABORE SCRIBLIG, AKA “GRANDMA”: Yah, Alexandra! Dey are destroying our beloved Persvayssick City!
SFX: [Car Honks] [Monster Scream] [Car Crash] [Ambulance Siren]
DI: You know, Ingabore, as Gneeecey’s doctor, I can’t halp but feel somevhat responsible for dis whole situation. I vasn’t able to turn hees behavior around.
IS: I know, Alexandra. As Gneeecey’s terapist, I feel somevhat responsible, as vell, like I have failed somehow. Despite all our sessions, I did not manage to talk any sense into him….
SFX: [Explosion] [Fire Engine Siren] [Monster Scream] [Male Scream 3]
DI: Eet ees a good ting dat vee have enough food here een our office to last for avile.
IS: Yah, a little vile anyvay. Vee don’t dare leave dis building right now!
SFX: [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell] [Magic Eerie Gong] [Magic Ringing] [Sci-Fi Glimmer]
G: I mean, looky at all them trees! Look at this one—hundred dollar bills are growin’ off all its braaanches! An’ fifties! An’ twennies! An’ it’s all for the takin’! I’m gettin’ richer by the second! I wish my lousy pockets were bigger! Yeah, okay, Fleaglossitty, I guess you an’ the Ig can pick some too. Equal opooportunity, I guess. Youse two can pick the tens an’ twennies, but leave the bigger bills for meee.
F: Zig! Zig!
G: Whaaat? Stinkin’ whaaat?
F: These hundred dollar bills ain’t real.
G: Whaddaya meeean, Fleaglossitty?
F: Look, Zig. Turn one over.
G: Haaah?
F: This money ain’t real.
G: We might be in a different dimension or even on a different plaaanet, but mon-ney is universical! Ya hear me? Universical!
F: Look on the other side of each bill, Zig. There’s stuff printed on the back of ’em.
N: Yeah—there’s a penalty printed on the back of each bill. And the bigger the bill, the worse the penalty!
SFX: [Fail Horn]
F: These messages are kinda like the opposite of fortune cookies. Bad messages. Listen to this one. Says, “You ain’t gonna like what happens next.” An’ this one says, “You owe us money, an’ we will collect!” An’ this one says. “You are goin’ to jail!” An’ this one here says, “Ya can’t unpick these penalties.” An’ this one says, “You will share all of these penalties wit’ your best friend.”
G: An’ I got one that says the same stinkin’ thing!
F & G [in unison]: Oh nooooo!
F: Zig, you picked lots of them hundred dollar bills.
G: Stinkin’ yeah. This lousy one here says, “You may never find out where you are.” An’ this one says, “You will be very surprised an’ better have real cash in your pocket. Expect a reversal of fortune.” An’ on the back of this hundred, it says, “You ain’t gonna be too happy in your next residence.” An’ this one says, “You will walk through a portal that changes ya!”
N: And one of mine says, “You may not be able to help your friends.” And this one says, “Freedom ain’t free, why should it be?” And this one warns, “If it looks too good to be true, it is.”
G: An’ this one of mine here says, “If you’re in a position of authority, someone else may take over!” Y’know, if I’m stinkin’ away from Perswayssick County for too long, that lousy Bassett Hound canine-humanoid Jacob J. Qwertyuiop’s gonna take over—I know it! He’s Quality of Life Vice Commissioner an’ President of the Alphabet Exchange down on ZugZwang Street!
N: On the back of this twenty here, it says, “As long as you’re not here, you’ll be fine.”
F: Nicki, I think that one there applies to all of us! An’ this one says, “The person who thinks he’s most important will end up wit’ yellow shoelaces.” That must be you, Zig.
G: An’ this one of mine says, “Your best friend will make you maaad!”
TREE: Bite me!
N, F, & G [in unison]: Who said that?
G: The lousy tree said that! I better listen to him—an’ besides, I’m starvin’ hungry! SFX: [Bite] Stinkin’ ow!
T: Cut it out—that was just an expression!
F: A talkin’ tree! Let’s get outta here! Before it starts chasin’ us!
N: Yeah! Let’s just put all this freakin’ fake money under the tree and leave! C’mon guys!
T: You can’t unpick your penalties! Aaah hah hah hah!
SFX: [Fail Horn] [Magic Spell]
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: And, back in Perswayssick City….
SFX: [Cartoon Slow Sadness Stinger] [Boing] [Police Siren] [Metal Crash] [Monster Scream] [Male Scream 3] [Glass Shatter] [Scream]
DI: Ingabore, I must try and phone Gneeecey right now! SFX: [Phone] [Dial Tone]
GNEEECEY’S RECORDED MESSAGE: You’ve reached the voice mail of meee, the one an’ only Grate One, Diroctor Bizzig “Zig” Gneeecey. An’ that’s spelled G-R-A-T-E.
I’m director of this here Perswayssick County, wit’ the title of Grate Gizzygalumpaggis, shortened to Grate Gizzy, to conservate vowels an’ consonants, for the welfare of our community. An’ I am also a doctor—earned my credentials back on our Planet Eccchs before we all got straaanded here—so that makes me a diroctor. An’ I’m also our county’s Quality of Life Commissioner. Press one if ya wanna leave me a message ’bout any pollutical or county stuff. Press two if ya wanna leave me any messages ’bout any quality of life junk. Press that beaudiful number three if ya wanna leave me a message ’bout my Gneeezle’s Restaurant, press four if ya wanna leave me a message concernin’ my GAS Broadcast Network, an’ press five if you’re a friend of mine an’ so it ain’t all that important.
PRERECORDED MALE VOICE: This BlunderbuxxComm customer’s mailbox is full.
IS: Oh dear, Alexandra. I vill try Flea’s cellphone. SFX: [Cell Phone Dialing] [Dial Tone] [Monster Laugh Reverb] Oh my goodness! Somevun else has his phone!
DI: Ingabore, I am vary vurried about Gneeecey, Flea, and Nicki! Dis is a city under siege! Dee entire county ees under siege!
IS: And no vun ees here to be een charge! No vun ees here to plan a strategy to turn dis around!
DI: I am going to call Jacob J. Qwertyuiop. He ees Persvayssick County’s Vice Qvality of Life Commissioner—he vurks under Gneeecey. Somevun has to take charge here!
SFX: [Metal Crash] [Monster Scream] [Male Scream 3] [Glass Shatter] [Scream] [Music Logo Big Band] [Cinematic Boom A] [Magic Spell] [Magic Eerie Gong] [Gong Effect] [Magic Ringing] [Sci-Fi Glimmer] [ShoutFX Alien]
F: Seems like we been walkin’ forever an’ a day here, don’t it? This pavement is hard!
N: It is, Flea! My legs are ready to give out.
G: Mine too, but it was your stinkin’ dopey idea to walk down this road, ya Ig.
N: Well, Diroctor Gneeecey, I thought that walking along this road might actually lead us somewhere. It seems to be a main drag. I think I see lights and an intersection up there.
F: Nicki’s right, Zig. Better than walkin’ over all the yards of rocky gravel on each side of this road. An’ it’s sure better than gettin’ lost in them woods. Even though there don’t seem to be no sun in the sky, it’s gettin’ dark.
G: Looky! There’s a vehickookle! SFX: [Truck]
N: Yeah. A truck of some kind.
G: Let’s flag it down—maybe we can get a ride!
F: It’s stoppin’ for us, Zig!
N: Two guys are getting out! They’re coming over here!
G: Heya guys, can youse give us a ride?
N: Wait, they’re carrying these metal sticks—
F: Wit’ loops attached!
Dog Catcher 1: Okay, Dave, you get the black one. I’ll catch the white an’ black one.
Dog Catcher 2: Okay, Matt.
G: Stinkin’ ow! Do you know who I stinkin’ am?
F: Ow! Let go of me! Please!
DC 1: Got ’em! Let’s load ’em up in them last two empty cages in the back!
N: You let my friends go, right now! How dare you? What do you think you’re doing? Who do you think you are?
DC 1: We know who we are, ma’am. See what it says on the side of our truck? Dworkvilletown Dog Catcher!
N: They are not dogs! They’re my friends! Sooperflea and Diroctor Gneeecey—you can’t just—
DC 2: We can an’ we did. Ya can reclaim ’em at the pound tomorrow. That is, if no one adopts ’em. But you’ll have to pay a hefty fine for each one—ya didn’t have ’em on leashes.
F & G [in unison]: Haaalp! Haaalp! SFX: [Annoyed Cartoon Character Crying]
N: Hey! They’re not dogs—they’re canine-humanoids! Distinguished citizens of Perswayssick County! You can’t do this! They’re family to me! Wait—come back!
F & G [in unison]: Haaalp! Haaalp! SFX: [Annoyed Cartoon Character Crying]
SFX: [Truck]
N: You can’t do this!
SFX: [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell]
We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com.
And thank you for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to tell a friend! And keep on laughing!
Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###