Transcript / “Monster on the Loose, Part 1”- episode 48, written by Vicki Solá.
All content © 2022 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.
Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki, and the gang….
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Boing] [Metal Crash] [Monster Scream] [Male Scream 3] [Car Honks] [Car Crash] [Glass Shatter] [Scream]
SOOPERFLEA, AKA FLEA, AKA FLEAGLOSSITTY FLOPPINSPLODGE: Zig! It sounds like a nightmare out there! Whatever you were hidin’ an’ feedin’ up there in that third-floor library of your house—it’s—
DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY: Y’mean my maaansion, Fleaglossitty—the classy third-floor lyeberry of my maaansion—
SFX: [Glass Shatter] [Male Scream] [Monster Scream]
F: Whatever, Zig! This thing—whatever it is—busted outta your mansion, an’ now it’s here on Edgar Vompt Boulevard, right outside your GAS Broadcast Network headquarters! Creatin’ havoc, as we can hear!
SFX: [Crash Metal] [Male Scream] [Cartoon Character Annoyed Crying]
F: This ain’t no time for cryin’, Zig—
G: It is, Fleaglossitty, it stinkin’ is! Bob is destroyin’ everythin’ I worked so hard to build here SFX: [Explosion] [Scream] ever since us Planet Eccchs snitizens got straaanded in this dimension of Perswayssick County!
F: Bob?
G: Yeah. He’s a kang-a-dyno-roo!
F: A what?
G: In my astoundin’ brilliance—genius that I am—I invented him to protect me from the federation of bad guys that are out to get me—y’know, STEM! Sulak the bathroom clown of terlits, that other evil clown Three, my hideous double from Planet HyenaZitania, Ebengneeezer, an’ all the bad gangster Markmen from Planet of the Marked Men. Mark, Mark, Mark, an’—
SFX: [Shocking Revelation 2] [Male Scream]
F: Zig—you built this monster?
SFX: [Shocking Revelation 3] [Scream]
G: He ain’t a monster— an’ ya gotta help me catch him! You’re Sooperflea! You’re Perswayssick County’s biggest superhero—ya can do this! Ya gotta!
SFX: [Explosion] [Glass Debris] [Police Siren]
F: Easier said than done, Zig! I dunno if I can do this single-handed—I gotta come up wit’ some kinda plan! SFX: [Male Scream 3] Now, poor Nicki, ya knocked her outta her chair back in the studio an’ left her on the floor! SFX: [Ambulance Siren]
G: Aaaah—that dopey human Earthling will be okay—
F: You go an’ check on our Nicki right now! Meanwhile, I’ll stay here an’ try an’ come up wit’ a plan to catch this, this thing—
G: Bob. You’re gonna come up wit’ a plan to catch Bob! Don’t jus’ try—do it!
F: Zig, you go into that GAS-AM on-air studio right now an’ check on our Nicki!
G: Stinkin’ whatever, Fleaglossitty….
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Magic Spell] [Boing] [Police Siren] [Sneakers Squeaking]
G: Okay, Fleaglossitty, I’m back. Ya come up wit’ that plan yet?
F: Still workin’ on it. Zig. Still workin’ on it….
G: Okay. Now, I wan’cha to catch Bob wit’out hurtin’ him—
F: Ya mean. wit’out him hurtin’ me!
G: Bob ain’t thaaat dangerousical.
SFX: [Monster Scream] [Male Scream 3] [Scream] [Metal Crash] [Police Siren] [Ambulance Siren]
G: Bob never got nasty wit’ meee the whole time I kept him up in my third-floor lyeberry.
SFX: [Male Scream 3] [Male Scream 4]
F: Now, Zig, ya gotta gimme some information, so I know exactly what I’m dealin’ wit’ here.
G: Sorry, Fleaglossitty. It’s top secret.
F: Zig, you’re exasperatin’!
G: I am not exaspooperatin’! You are.
F: Okay, Zig, have it your way. You’re on your own—I’m outta here. I can fly away from this whole mess, y’know.
G: Don’t stinkin’ go—I’ll tell ya everything ya wanna know ’bout Bob!
SFX: [Monster Scream] [Male Scream 1] [Male Scream 2] [Car Honks] [Explosion] [Fire Engine Siren]
F: You an’ me been best friends ever since we were kids back on Planet Eccchs. We ain’t never kept no secrets from each other—as fellow canine-humanoids, we have a special pact, too.
G: Okay, stinkin’ awright. I invented this ten-foot-tall kanga-dyno-roo—y’know, a kangoogaroo wit’ the strength of a dinosaur, like I said, to protect me from all them bad guys. An’ he runs on cheap carbohydrates—y’know, like leaves, grass, apooples, bananas, an’ other fruits an’ veggies. An’ even bugs. Got plenny of them in this county!
F: Why a kangaroo?
G: That partikookular marsoopoopial is our county maaascot, brings good luck!
SFX: [Monster Scream] [Male Scream 3] [Car Honks] [Tires Screeching]
F: Yeah, right, Zig….
G: Don’t get snarkastical wit’ meee, Fleaglossitty!
F: Ya want my help?
G: Okay, okay….
F: Ya gotta gimme more information, so I know what I’m up against.
G: Kangoogaroos can jump real high—like this— SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Cartoon Slip] [Slip and Fall] [Duck Horn] Ow! Jus’ fell on my bimbus! Looky what’cha jus’ made me do!
F: Zig, I didn’t ask ya to demonstrate how high they can jump. An’ I certainly ain’t responsible for your legendary clumsiness. Jus’ gimme the information I need so I can try an’ catch this, uh, Bob.
G: No need to get personal, Fleaglossitty. An’ don’t try an’ catch Bob—stinkin’ do it! Now, he can bust ya open wit’ one kick, so them red high-top sneakers I got him wearin’—y’know, like the ones we wear—they make his kicks hurt less, but they’ll make him jump higher!
F: Tell me more ’bout this Gneeecenstein monster—
G: Bob ain’t no monster! He’s part meee, too! I programmed his awready smart brain wit’ selected information from mine! He knows jus’ ’bout everythin’ I know—’cept how much mon-ney I got. That’s none of his beeswax.
F: Oh, boy, Zig. That makes him really unpredictable. This is gonna be even more difficult than I thought….
G: You tryin’ to call me unpredictabooble an’ difooficult?
F: Well…. An’, why’d ya name him “Bob”? Bob’s the name of the Markmen’s evil leader!
G: There’s a madness to my method. I named him that on purpoopose, to confuse the Markmen!
F: Well, Zig, let’s jus’ hope Bob here doesn’t decide to join STEM! Then, it’s all over!
SFX: [Monster Scream] [Male Scream 3] [Car Honks] [Car Crash]
G: Fleaglossitty, I’m sure ya can catch him. Bob only runs anywhere from twelve miles an hour to mayboobee up to thirty-five, mayboobee forty-four, max. Jus’ be carefoofal. Ya don’t wanna get him maaad. If ya see him thumpin’ his tail, back off! An’ he can hop twenny-five to thirty feet in a single bound—an’ he might hop even further with them high-tops I got him! But don’t worry, he can’t hop backward. Here…I got this monster spray. SFX: [Graffiti Can Spray 1, 2, & 3) Uh-oh, ain’t hardly none left! But it might distractipate him if he sees the can.
F: You’re kiddin’, right?
G: There’s some good stuff ’bout Bob, too, y’know, in addition to how I programmed his brain wit' lotsa junk from mine.
F: Oh, boy…can it get any better?
G: Jus’ said it could! Bob ain’t got no opposable thumb, so at least he can’t open the fridge—
F: Well, thank Saint Bogelthorpe for that…. I’ll let the cops know their lunch is safe.
SFX: [Ambulance Siren]
G: Don’t say it like that, so oogdimonious. Kangoogaroos save mon-ney! They regurgoogitate—
F: Charming, Zig, charming….
G: Hear me out, Fleaglossitty! They eat the same food twice, so ya only gotta buy it once!
F: Yeah, Zig….
G: An’ they pass green gas! That’s good for our county’s ekookology! They got excellent hearin’ an’ eyesight, too! An’ Bob can carry electronics an’ small weapons in his pouch!
F: That’s supposed to be good?
G: Y’know, maybe Bob’s out there havin’ a food tantrum! He’s got a gigaaantical apoopetitie!
SFX: [Monster Scream] [Male Scream 3] [Car Honks] [Tires Screeching] [Scream]
F: So, Zig, what in Saint Bogelthorpe’s name do ya propose we do?
G: SFX: [Cartoon Character Annoyed Crying]
F: Forgot to ask ya, crybaby, how’s Nicki, y’know, out there in the on-air studio? She okay?
G: Heh, heh, I dunno…forgot all ’bout the Ig.
F: I thought ya jus’ went in there to help her.
G: I forgot. Hadda make a phone call, an’ so I forgot all ’bout the Ig! Heh, heh….
F: Go check on her, Zig! Now!
G: Why? Ya think Bob’s gonna reach through the window an’ grab her? Heh haah, heh haah!
Not stinkin’ likely!
F: Go check on Nicki, Zig.
G: Stinkin’ whatever, Fleaglossitty.
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Magic Spell] SFX: [Boing] [Monster Scream] [Male Scream 3] [Car Honks]
F: Lemme go into that studio an’ see what’s takin’ Zig so long! SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking]
F: Holy Saint Bogelthorpe! Zig!
G: Quiet, Fleaglossitty! Can’cha see I’m on the stinkin’ phone?
NICKI RODRIGUEZ: Diroctor Gneeecey, will you get your foot off my throat? You’re choking me!
G: Yeah, that should do it. As much grass as ya can bring. An’ I know it’s kinda crazy out there, but can ya bring me a pizza, too? An’ get offa me, Fleaglossitty! I’m on the phone!
N: Will you take your foot off my throat? I can’t get up, and I freakin’ can’t breathe!
G: Make that wit’ extra cheese an’ pooperoni, wit’ turkey-flavor ice cream on top. Two scoops. Get offa me, Fleaglossitty! I need blood sugar so’s I can make a emergency speech to Perswayssick County’s snitizens!
F: Zig!
N: Ow! I’m on the floor, trapped under this counter with a heavy chair on top of me—and your big foot on my throat!
G: I got a employee here—ya should see her! She’s layin’ down on the job. Eavesdroppin’ on my conservation. I’ll dock her! Geddup, Ig! We got dead air on GAS-AM here!
N: Thanks, Flea! I thought I’d be stuck down there forever!
F: You okay?
N: Yeah…kinda….
F: Ya do have a sneaker sole imprint on your throat! Zig, what were ya thinkin’—or not thinkin’—as usual? Now let’s be quiet an’—
G: Uh-oh—ah, hah, haah, fiduciary! SFX: [Clinking Coins] Ow—sneezed out a coupla quarters wit’ all them dimes!
SFX: [Boing] [Large Glass Shatter] [Glass Debris] [Crash Metal] [Monster Scream]
N: Help! Help! Help!
G: Halp! Halp! Halp! Halp!
F: Holy Saint Bogelthorpe! That monster Bob jus’ jumped up two hundred an’ fifty floors, smashed through this studio window, reached in, an’ grabbed Nicki an’ Zig! How in Saint Bogelthorpe’s name am I gonna save ’em?
SFX: [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell]
We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, and Toni Aponte for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com.
And thank you for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to tell a friend! And keep on laughing!
Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###