Transcript / “How Could This Not Go Wrong?”- episode 47, written by Vicki Solá.
All content © 2022 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.
Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki….
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Cartoon Slow Sadness Sting]
NICKI RODRIGUEZ: Another wonderful day at work here at Gneeecey’s GAS Broadcast Network…. Too bad I need this horrible job while I’m stranded here in this wacko dimension of Perswayssick County. Job pays pennies. I wanna freakin’ go home already…what time is it?
SFX: [Door Open] [Sneakers Squeaking]
DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY: It’s time to get busy, Ig!
N: Uh, that would be Nicki, Diroctor Gneeecey. Nicki Rodriguez.
G: What kinda stooopid name is Nicki Diroctor Gneeecey Nicki Rodriguez? Stoopid, of course—that is, except for the Diroctor Gneeecey part! An’ my name ain’t your name!
N: I meant—
G: Okay now, Ig. We got ten minutes.
N: Ten minutes for what?
G: Sheeesh, Ig! Do I always gotta explain every stinking thing to ya? In ten minutes, you’re gonna interview me here on-air an’ you’re also gonna simulcast this beaudiful special on our WGAS-AM an’ FM radio stations. You’re gonna run the audio board, too. If ya don’t ask me all the right questions an’/or ya don’t engineer this show perfoofectly, I’ll proboobably end up firin’ ya an’ givin’ your job to my favorite donkey-humanoid, my intern, Stu Pitt.
N: What? You can’t—
G: Ig, ya can learn lots from Stu. He’s only been internin’ for six months, an’ he awready knows little more than when he first came here. He’s ready to be promotated! Now, here. Here’s the list of all the questions you’re gonna ask me. SFX: [Rustling Papers]
G: It’s all ’bout meee! Lemme put my mug of fermented slog down here on the counter. SFX: [Table Pound] [Dish Ceramic] Don’t knock it over or spill it into the lousy audio board.
Y’know what they say—don’t hatch your chickens before they learn to count! SFX: [Chickens] Oh, stinkin’ nooo! Them chickens that nobody else can see that been scarin’ me at night jumpin’ ’round in my bed—they followed me here to the stinkin’ office! Haaalp! Haaalp! Them scary invisible chickens are after me! SFX: [Splash] [Dish Ceramic]
N: Diroctor Gneeecey! You just knocked your big drink over and spilled it all over the papers you gave me—y’know, for your interview!
G: Busted my cup, too!
N: Wait—come back! These papers you gave me are soaked! I can’t read ’em! And there aren’t any chickens!
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking]
G: Haaalp! Haaalp! Them invisible chickens are after me again! They’re gonna get me!
SFX: [Door Slam] [Cartoon 1] [Cartoon Slow Sadness Sting]
N: What am I supposed to do now? Gneeecey’s script for his interview here is completely illegible! It’s a wet, tie-dyed rag!
SFX: [Door Open] [Sneakers Squeaking]
G: You’ll jus’ hafta wing it, Ig! Chickens are all gone now. An’ we only got five stinkin’ minutes till airtime. Now, like I was sayin’, you’re gonna hafta simulcast this whole interview on our WGAS-AM an’ WGAS-FM radio stations.
N: Yeah, okay….
G: You’re gonna simulcast a six-second delay on FM igzactly wit’ a eight-second delay on AM.
N: But, Diroctor Gneeecey, we’ve been all through this before! How can anyone simulcast a six-second delay exactly with an eight-second delay? Can’t be done!
G: An’ my stinkin’ answer’s always the stinkin’ same! Do the lousy math, Ig.
N: It is lousy math—
G: Thought’cha knew how to do radio. Stu does. Now, you’re wastin’ time here. Grab the bull by the tail an’ look it square in the face! Oops, hehe, heh—we got five seconds—made a little mistake wit’ the time a coupla minutes earlier. We’re on-air, Ig! Hit the music!
SFX: [Vivaldi Spring Logo]
G: Nah, Ig, change it—quick! Reminds me too much of our public affairs program, “Catchin’ Up Wit’ My Tail.” This ain’t thaaat.
N: But—but—we’re already on-air! We can’t!
G: We can’t, but yooou can, Ig! Gimme some saxophone music, y’know, somethin’ jazzy an’ cool—like meee!
N: Whatever….
SFX: [Saxophone 1] [Saxophone 2]
G: Nah, Ig—take it off. Too saxophoney.
N: But—you said—
G: Put on that beaudiful “Plight of the Goonafish” piece written by our Planet Eccchs composer Zirbert Shriekensobb—y’know, the one me an’ Fleaglossitty recorded, me on my electric voaline an’ him on piano. This way, I can kill two stones wit’ one bird.
N: What?
G: You’ll see. An’ don’t gimme that dopey Iggleheimer look. Put it on! Stinkin’ now!
SFX: [Plight of the Goonafish]
G: Welcome, everyone! It’s meee, the Grate One, Diroctor Bizzig “Zig” Gneeecey, an’ the lovely music ya jus’ heard is Zirbert Shriekensobb’s beaudiful compooposition, “Plight of the Goonafish”—y’know, recorded by me an’ Fleaglossitty Floppinsplodge otherwise known as Sooperflea. Meee on my electric voaline an’ him on piano. If ya send twenny bucks here to me at GAS Broadcast Network, 333 Edgar Vompt Boulevard, Perswayssick City, the other New Jersey—not the Ig’s one on Earth—the Ig here will send ya out our new CD! Autootographed! Now, today’s special show is all ’bout meee! The Ig, who works here for meee, is gonna interview me. Uh-oh—ah, hah, haah, fiduciary! [Clinking Coins]
N: Uh, bless you, Diroctor Gneeecey.
G: That’s somethin’ weird they say on Earth. So, ask away, Ig, interview me so our listenin’ audience can get a better idea who’s behind the “grateness” of this GAS Broadcast Network an’ this whole county! The Ig here, uh, ruint the papers wit’ all them questions I gave her to ask me.
N: So, uh, Diroctor Gneeecey, how long have you been sneezing out dimes?
SFX: [Clinking Coins]
G: None of your beeswax. It’s personal. But I can tell ya, I jus’ sneezed out about three bucks. Next dopey question….
N: So, uh, tell us how you—
G: I was born at a very young age. To proud canine-humanoids Froop an’ Fritzl Gneeecey, y’know, back in my Planet Eccchs’s famous Bozovian region. They said I was real noisy, even before I was born. That’s proboobably ’cause I been real, real smart from the very beginning.
N: What would you say was the best advice your parents gave you when you were growing up back on your planet.
G: Cleanliness is next to Goldilocks!
N: Any other advice?
G: Yeah, but I never really understood it. My dad always said to set my alarm clock fifteen minutes earlier so I wouldn’t get late all the time. But if I did thaaat, then I couldn’t sleep in! Anyways, I learned to compoopensate for all that. When I get to my appointments late, I make up for it by leavin’ early! An’ I also learned never to ruin an excuse wit’ an apology!
N: I see….
G: No need to say it so snarkastically, Ig.
N: The name would be Nicki. Nicki Rodriguez.
G: Okay, Nicki Nicki Rodriguez. Aaah, “Ig” sounds better. Easier to say. Next question, Ig.
N: So, did you have any pets as a child?
G: Yeah.
N: Well, please tell us a little about them.
G:On my planet Eccchs—an’ all over Perswayssick County— we got these amphiboobious blue two-headed lizards. Unhapoopy little creatures called efts, ’causa their misooserabooble expressions. Y’know, “eft” is a contraption of the word “bereft.” These little guys have even made nests inside sevooveral of our copy machines. They, y’know, crawl in through the paper trays.
N: Yeah…I’ve noticed….
G: Well, jus’ a little. I once had a pet eft named Screwball. One day when I was at school, my dog Wrecks ate him. An’ my dog’s name was spelled W-R-E-C-K-S. My family could afford the extra consonants! Anyways, ya shoulda seen poor Screwball—all that was left of him was his left—
N: We get the picture….
G: Never wanted a cat. Ya wanna know why?
N: Yeah. Why?
G: ’Cause they can’t think outside the box! Heh hah, heh haah, heh haaah! Ya wanna hear another joke?
N: Yeah, sure. It’s your show….
G: Well, ya don’t hafta say it like thaaat, so oogdimonious! Okay, here goes. It’s one of them poultry jokes! Why did the lousy turkey run across the street twice?
N: I have no idea. Why?
G: You’re no fun, Ig—as usual. The lousy turkey ran across the street twice to prove he wasn’t chicken! Heh hah! SFX: [Chickens] Oh, stinkin’ nooo! Them invisibooble chickens are after me again! They must’ve heard me jokin’ ’bout ’em, an’ now they’re maaad! Haaalp!
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Door Slam]
N: Wait—come back! Uh—okay, it’s eleven o’clock this morning, and your dial is tuned to 1780 WGAS-AM and 109.3 WGAS-FM, part of the GAS Broadcast Network. Uh, here’s a commercial!
COMMERCIAL:I’m Diroctor Bizzig Gneeecey, an’ I wanna talk to youse ’bout somethin’ personal! It’s sad but true—eighty percent of corporate blunders are produced by “executive squeeze”—the torment of ill-fittin’ underwear! There’s no tellin’ how many financial tragedies can be attributated to chafin’ an’ itchin’! Well, I’ve done somethin’ ’bout it! I’ve invented an amazin’ new revoovolutionary formula! Jus’ one apooplication of clinically proven Bend-a-Britch, an’ I unconditionally quarantine that your very personal undergarments will conform to you! Even works on tail holes! Call itchy butts today, that’s I-T-C-H-Y-B-U-T-T-S, to find out more! Remember, youse heard it here, on GAS Radio! SFX: [Circus]
SFX: [Flushing Toilet] [Door Open] [Sneakers Squeaking]
G: Okay, Ig, I’m back. Chickens are all gone. Flushed ’em down the terlit. Let’s continue wit’ my interview, which, ladies an’ gentootlemen, is a test to see if the Ig can keep her lousy job!
N: Hey!
G: I’m givin’ ya the gift of another chance to keep workin’ here, Ig, Don’t brush a gift horse’s teeth! Next question, huuuman!
N: Uh, did your parents give you any other valuable advice?
G: Yeah. My mom Fritzl Gneeecey gave me advice I use in my Gneeezle’s Restaurant to this day: A boiled pot never watches. An’ my dad Froop Gneeecey, he sold orgnocks, y’know, them Cronese latrines—terlits everyone uses on Planet Eccchs’s vacation moon Cronon. Anyways, he told me to make sure I learned not to lock the horse’s mouth after the barn door escapes.
SFX: [Insect Flies]
G: That fly near me reminds me, I don’t like to take no showers. Washes away good bacteria! Like they say, ya can lead a horse to water, but’cha can’t make it take a shower.
N: Okay…. Now, I think our listeners would also like to know how you—
G: An’ my dad Froop gave me advice ’bout women, too, but I still don’t understand ’em. I had this fiancée, Goonafina Blopperdang. She’s a doctor, too. A gooniocologist—y’know, in the field of goonicology. When I got straaanded here in this dimension of Perswayssick County—along wit’ fifteen million other Planet Eccchs snitizens—she was lucky enough to still be back on Planet Eccch an’ we would still communicate. Anyways, once I said, “I love ya,” an’ she said, “I love ya more,” an’ then I said, “I guess ya do love me more.” An’ then she broke up wit’ me by intergalactic e-mail. I still can’t understandicate why!
N: I see. And I think our listeners might also like to know—
G: Quiet, Ig! Don’t keep interrupticatin’ me! Baked pigeons can’t fly into your mouth if it’s closed! Proboobably be better if I interview my stinkin’ self!
N: Whatever….
G: I also learned early on to do unto others what’cha don’t want them to do unto yooou! Some people say I turned the golden rule green. I’d say that’s quite an acompooplishment!
SFX: [Belch] ’Scuze me, heh, heh…. An’ y’know, I never met a person I didn’t like that I liked! Whassamatter, Ig? Cat got your tongue? Rememboober, you’re on a job performance plan! You’re supposed to be askin’ me these questions—y’know, to try an’ keep your lousy job!
N: But you just said you were gonna interview yourself and—
G: That was then, but now this is now.
N: Alright, Diroctor Gneeecey. So, what inspired you to go to medical school and—
G: An’ y’know, I got me a therapoopist, Graaandma, an’ a nervologist, Doctor Idnas. An’ they listen to me when I got probooblems, like when I was very traumatizated after that scary time when I had them airplanes in my paaants! They had me do this word association junk. They said the word “umbrella.” I got me a real good photootograaaphic memory. I rememboober I answered, umbrellas in pastures playin’ football wit’ kitchen sinks before they get on a bus. A big, giagaaantical bus. Usin’ terlet plungers as baseball bats—recycled plungers they bought on sale, marked down for the holidays at Squiggleman’s Hardware, y’know, right here in town, on Murgatroyd Avenue where runaway goats always used to graze before their drivin’ lessons ’cause they were so nervous that their horns would obstruct their rearview mirrors an’ possiboobly tear up the seats. But ever since the city paved the pasture over, the goats gotta go to Shisskey’s Bakery an’ get donuts instead, or the airplanes wearin’ uniforms will get maaad an’ not let huuumans get on ’em to go nowheres. Then the ravioli would demand tickets, too, unlike spaghetti, which usually travels business class for free…an also…. SFX: [Snoring]
N: Diroctor Gneeecey, wake up! We’re on-air! Uh-oh—a news bulletin!
NEWS ANNOUNCER: Breaking news now! SFX: [Glass Shatter] We interrupt our outstanding GAS Network programming to tell you that an unidentified giant creature of some sort has broken out through the walls of a luxury mansion atop Bimbus Crack Drive in Perswayssick City’s exclusive suburb of Saint Bogelthorpe Parke—
G: That’s my stinkin’ house!
SFX: [Spooky Hollow Fear] [Cartoon Character Annoyed Crying] [Door Open] [Sneakers Squeaking]
SOOPERFLEA, AKA FLEA, AKA FLEAGLOSSITTY FLOPPINSPLODGE: Zig! Zig!
G: Fleaglossitty! Somethin’ terribooble has jus’ hapoopened at my zillion-dollar maaansion!
F: That’s what I’m tryin’ to tell ya, Zig! Some giant creature busted through the walls of your mansion, an’ now it’s right here in this buildin’! Probably lookin’ for you!
SFX: [Horror Scary Moment] [Boing]
G: Oh, stinkin’ nooo! SFX: [Cartoon Character Annoyed Crying]
F: It must be whatever ya were hidin’ from us up in your third-floor library an’, y’know, feedin’ all them giant bags of leaves and bananas an’ apples!
G: Fleaglossitty! Ya gotta help me catch it!
SFX: [Crash Metal] [Shattering Glass] [Glass Debris] [Bang] [Body Fall Human]
N: Ow—you just—
F: Zig! Ya jus’ knocked Nicki outta her chair—onto the floor!
G: The Ig will stinkin’ be okay—now, c’mon, let’s go! [Sneakers Squeaking] [Cartoon Slip] [Slip and Fall] [Duck Horn] Ow! Fell on my lousy bimbus!
F: Instant karma, Zig!
G: Shaaadup, Fleaglossitty! SFX: [Cartoon Character Annoyed Crying]
F: You’re a real crybaby, Zig. I swear on my canine-humanoid self an’ my red superhero cape, Zig—you’re jus’ totally—
G: Fleaglossitty, jus’ zip your lip an’ help me up! This thing that broke loose is dangerousical!
F: To be continued! An’ thanks, Sam Leviatin, for producin’ our “Plight of the Goonafish” CD!
SFX: [Music Logo Big Band] [Cinematic Boom A] [Fail Horn] [Magic Spell]
Nicki Rodriguez here again! We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode of “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy!” And we thank you for listening. Please help us spread the word—please tell a friend about us! We appreciate every single download! And again, thank you, Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, and Toni Aponte, for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com! Time now to turn it back over to my alter ego, Vicki. Until next time, be well and stay safe!
SFX: [Magic Spell]
Vicki here again. Thanks so much for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to subscribe and tell a friend! And keep on laughing! Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###