Transcript / “Fighting My Bad Self”- episode 45, written by Vicki Solá.
All content © 2022 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.
Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki….
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Magic Glitter]
VICKI SOLA: And one more thing before I turn it over to Nicki…. This week, we’re having a contest! If you’re our first listener to correctly guess those four words that transfer you to different dimensions—back and forth between Earth, Perswayssick County, and Planet HyenaZitania—three numbers and a color, we’ll send you a gift—a signed Gneeecey paperback! Just email Gneeecey with your answer at bizzig3@aol.com! That’s bizzig3@aol.com. You can also find the link in our story description. Now, here’s Nicki!
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Boing]
NICKI RODRIGUEZ: Diroctor Gneeecey, will you please tell us what that boinging sound is up there on your third floor? My little guest closet—I mean room, is on the first floor, and that racket kept me up half the night!
SOOPERFLEA, AKA FLEA, AKA FLEAGLOSSITTY FLOPPINSPLODGE: Yeah, Zig, all that noise kept me up too, in that first-floor little matchbox of a room ya assigned me.
DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY: Youse two, don’t brush a gift horse’s teeth! An’ it’s none of your lousy beeswax what goes on in my beaudiful mansion here!
F: I thought us stranded Planet Eccchs canine-humanoids had a pact to be, y’know, truthful wit’ each other—
G: Never heard of no such thing. An’ the Ig here—
F: Ya mean, Nicki.
G: Yeah. The Ig. She’s a huuuman. From Earth. So, it don’t apply to her. If I tell yooou, you’ll proboobably tell her.
N: Name’s Nicki; Now, let’s get back to our guests in the dining room. It’s rude to leave them alone like this. Especially since they brought lunch again and came all the way here to Saint Bogelthorpe Parke just to hear more of our story.
G: Ain’t no story! Really hapoopened!
N: C’mon, guys. Let’s go.
SFX: [Squeaking Sneakers x 2] [Cartoon 1]
DOCTOR ALEXANDRA C. IDNAS: Vould you like some more salad?
INGABORE SCRIBLIG, AKA “GRANDMA”: And please, everyvun, have some more of my veggie meatballs! I’ve brought plenty!
N: Why, yes, thank you, Doctor Idnas. Thank you, Grandma. I’ll definitely take a second delicious helping!
F: Thank you, Doctor Idnas. And thank you, Missus Scriblig. I’ll have some more of each, too!
IS: Remember, Sooperflea, dat’s “Grrrrandma.”
F: And that’s “Flea,” Grandma!
G: I brung my own lousy food. Normal junk. Goonafish sandwich wit’ melted cross-eyed cheese, simmered ice block soup, and more of that tasty bloonked parrumph wit’ extra blurdle sauce. Seasoned wit’ extra sulfur an’ extract of skunk.
F: Oh, Zig!
G: Whaaaat, Fleaglossitty? Graaandma proboobably writes off all them meatballs!
F: Zig!
G: Whaaaat, Fleaglossitty? Ya trynna say I’m ingratitudinous? Wait—ah, hah, hah, fiduciary! SFX: [Clinking Coins] Wowzickles! Jus’ sneezed out about three bucks worth of dimes!
N: Uh, bless you, Diroctor Gneeecey.
G: I’m awready blessed, ya Ig, sneezin’ out mon-ney on a regoogular basis. Youse Earth peopoople got some real strange customs….
DI: So, please, Nicki and Diroctor Gneeecey, tell us more about your adventures on Planet HyenaZitania!
IS: Yah, please, bring us up to speed. Vee vant to hear vhat happened next! Vhere you left off last veek, vhen vun of dee bad guys vas holding dat gun to Diroctor Gneeecey’s head!
N: So, Doctor Idnas and Grandma, while Diroctor Gneeecey and I were trapped on that double-sunned, double-trouble Planet HyenaZitania—
G: Where there were all them hideous doubles of everyone, includin’ that extra-hideous yooou an’ the terriboobly haaandsome meee, y’know, me the doctor plus the Grate Gizzygalumpaggus of Perswayssick County, thereforthically makin’ me a diroctor —
N: Yes, uh, so, moving right along, next, we somehow managed to get away from your evil double Ebegneeezer, my wicked double NickNick, and Ebegneeezer’s rotten gangster bodyguard Jerko.
SFX: [Police Sirens] [Suspense]
G: Jerko was the double of that scary Blond Big-nose Mark we got here in Perswayssick County. Y’know, the one who works for Bob who got them socks that light up an’ says I owe him an all them Markmen all that mon-ney which I don’t!
N: Yes, and all those black-suited agents, too, and—
G: Stop interrupticatin’ me, Ig!
N: Seriously, Diroctor Gneeecey. So, anyway, we were on the run, with the cops and the bad guys all after us, and we had a chance to get back to our universe, but we blew it, didn’t we?
G: Wasn’t my stinkin’ fault that the lousy wormhole in the sky disappeared SFX: [Magic Glitter] when I ran back to get my teddy bear Yammicles that had fell outta my shoe, an’ y’know, my thousand-dollar bill that was inside him.
N: And then you fell for the bad guys’ trick. You locked yourself inside that giant claw machine that was filled with—
G: Filled wit’ zillions of them valuable threes an’ eights worth a fortune back on my Planet Eccchs! Red threes, blue threes, green threes, silver threes, gold threes… plaaastic threes, rubber threes, metal threes—
SFX: [Electronic Button] [Cool Digital Alert 3] [Circus Win 4]
N: Uh, we get the idea….
G: An’ you used your lousy special powers—y’know, when ya stare an’ concentrate—to bust me outta that claw machine, against my will! An’ ya busticated all them valuable threes an’ eights! Destructificated ’em all!
SFX: [Hollow Spooky Fear] [Jet Engine Startup] [Supersonic Aerodynamic Whoosh] [Magic Glitter] [Glass Shatter] [Glass Debris]
N: Yeah, I did that to save your life and mine—and I’d do it again! You refused to come out of that machine! So, once you were out, you and Ebegneeezer began insulting each other and—
G: An’ when he said my stinkin’ T-shirt was stinkin’, I shouted, “Oh yeah?” I was so maaad that I lunged at him.
N: Then Jerko stepped in. “Okay, dat’s it.” Ebegneeezer’s gangster bodyguard aimed his pistol at your head, stopping you in your tracks.
SFX: [Metal Click 3] [Music Logo Big Band] [Cinematic Boom A] [Fail Horn] [Magic Spell]
N: I took a step forward and, through narrowed eyelids, concentrated on Jerko’s gun until it liquified like chocolate left out in the summer sun. SFX: [Hollow Spooky Fear] [Mud Drops] The gangster could only gawk as his weapon dripped from his pudgy hand into a dark puddle on the sidewalk. SFX: [Mud Drops]
G: An’ ya made summa that messy chocolatey-like stuff melt all over my stinkin’ shoulder—stained my beaudiful T-shirt—permutantly!
N: You’re welcome.
G: Thanks for sayin’ I’m smellcome, Ig. An’ then your hideous double NickNick grabbed your Ig arm.
N: Yeah. She yelled over to Jerko, “Now she’s really gonna pay! Finally!” And the gangster said, “I got this, babe.” He reached into his jacket. And she hissed, “Yeah, right.” Then, my double raised her sword-like burgundy claws to my face. But I caught her by her wrists before she could do damage. My hideous double. The one who always looked me up and down with such contempt. The one who hurt poor Mister Gobblesnotts, Ebegneeezer’s daughters’ black-and-white checkered flying guinea pig…. His N-shaped scar matched the one her razor-sharp fingernails had etched on my arm. She was jealous, too. Thought I was interested in her gangster boyfriend. As if. She was jealous of the attention he gave me—attention that made me sick to my stomach. My eyes bored holes through her.
SFX: [Hollow Spooky Fear] [Jet Engine Startup] [Supersonic Aerodynamic Whoosh] [Magic Glitter]
“Stop! Let go!” she shrieked, her saucer-like eyes spinning. “You’re burning me!” I shook her. Hard. “Stop!” she screamed. “You’re melting my hair!” Her raven hair began dribbling down her shoulders. SFX: [Mud Drops]
“I can do more than that,” I bellowed, shaking her again. “You wanna see?” Her boyfriend Jerko just stood gaping.
JERKO: Where’s all them cops that came wit’ us?
N: “Right behind you,” I replied. “Frozen like statues, in case you hadn’t noticed.” NickNick fought in vain to break loose from my iron grip. She started pleading for mercy.
NICKNICK: Please! Don’t hurt me! We look alike—we are alike! We can be friends!
N: Tears flooded down her face, making a mess as they mixed with her truly flowing tresses. Blinking, I shoved her away. “Please don’t kill me!” she howled, flying backward. “It would be like killing yourself! I’m part of you, you’re part of me!”
“Get…out…of…my…sight,” I ordered her, emphasizing each word. Didn’t recognize my own voice. Couldn’t even tell if it came from my mouth or my mind. Nearly hairless, she scuttled out of sight, bawling.
G: Then that jerk Jerko pulled out this streamlined silver weapon dotted wit’ all these cool blinkin’ yellow lights!
N: “Okay, little Miss Witch,” he said, turning to me. “You ain’t no match for this here high-tech ray gun.” “Don’t bet on it,” I muttered, muscles tensed.
Jerko glanced around and smiled. Police backup, still motionless, resembled the ancient Chinese Terracotta Army. He turned to his employer, Ebegneeezer.
J: An’ you, Boss, tables sure are turned now, ain’t they? Think I like bein’ treated like a underpaid third-class citizen all these years? Ain’t gonna do it no more!
EBEGNEEEZER GESUNDHEIT EEECEYGNAY: Jerko, old boy, let us discuss this over a hot toddy. I have never treated you in such a manner…and planting that claw machine was my idea.
J: I can get ridda ya right now, tell everyone you’re away on business, and they’ll believe me. Even your wife will. Got it all figured out.
E: That is not advisable. You shall never get away with such a devious scheme.
J: Now, both of youse dogs are gonna listen to me.
G: The creep was lookin’ at me, too.
J: You! Gimme dat thousand-dollar bill! I know ya got it. I seen it. It’s inside your busted shoe there! An’ dat money ain’t worthless—that’s jus’ another one of the boss’s lies!
N: And then, Diroctor Gneeecey, you climbed me like a tree.
G: Yeah. I said, “Ain’t givin’ nobody nuthin’! That mon-ney’s ours, right Ig?”
N: “An’ Boss, I ain’t done wit’ you, by no means,” Jerko growled before I could even frame my mouth to answer. Ebegneeezer clung to my left leg. And you, Diroctor Gneeecey, you stood up on my shoulders, tightening your arms around my neck. Then you screeched those four words. Those four powerful words you’re never supposed to say when you’re around anyone else, or heaven forbid when you’re physically connected to anyone else. Three numbers and a color.
SFX: [Supersonic Aerodynamic Whoosh] [Magic Glitter]
A vivid violet blaze engulfed us, then everything went pitch-black.
SFX: [Music Logo Big Band] [Cinematic Boom A] [Fail Horn] [Magic Spell]
G: I’ll jus’ whisper what I said! “Three forty-two blue!”
N: Diroctor Gneeecey! Hush! You must never say those words aloud!
F: That’s right, Zig! Nebberd-kinnezzard—y’know, that means “extra-never” back on our Planet Eccchs!
DI: Tank goodness Diroctor Gneeecey only vhispered dose vary dangerous vurds!
IS: Yah! Vee all could have been transported somevhere else—or even vaporized!
G: Sorry, heh, heh. Jus’ wanted to show ya how smart I am an’ to prove I still rememboobered them four cool words….
F: Zig, ya jus’ almost got us all killed. Seems to be a habit wit’ ya!
G: Heh, heh….
F: An’ why ya goin’ upstairs wit’ all them giant sacks of whatever—they’re bigger than you! Doesn’t have anythin’ to do wit’ that boinging noise upstairs, does it?
SFX: [Boing] [Squeaking Sneakers]
G: Told ya before, none of your lousy beeswax, Fleaglossitty!
F: It is my beeswax, Zig. It is.
SFX: [Falling Down Stairs] [Electron Leaves [Cartoon Slip] [Slip and Fall] [Duck Horn]
G: Now, looky what’cha done, Fleaglossitty—made me trip down these stairs an’ fall on my lousy bimbus!
F: An’, Holy Saint Bogelthorpe! Look at all that stuff that fell outta those big bags ya were carryin’, Zig—leaves, grass, apples, an’ bananas!
N: Diroctor, what’s going on up there on the third floor? A farmers’ market?
G: If youse two don’t want no snarkastic answers, don’t ask no stooopid questions!
F: Ain’t no such thing as stoopid questions, Zig. Just stoopid answers.
SFX: [Cuckoo Clock]
DI: Oh, Ingabore, look vhat time eet ees!
IS: Yah, Alexandra. Vee’d better get going. Diroctor Gneeecey, vee do look forvard to lunch vit you dee next veek at your Gneeezle’s Restaurant and finding out how you managed to finally escape from Planet HyenaZitania! And also, vee might find out vhatever ees up dere on your tird floor.
DI: And, Diroctor Gneeecey, vee do tank you for dee invitation to your Gneeezle’s.
G: Normal food, for once.
F: Geez, Zig. Talk ‘’bout bein’ ingratitudinous. Thanks for the invite…I think….
N: Yeah, Diroctor. Thanks…I think….
SFX: [Fail Horn] [Magic Spell]
Nicki Rodriguez here again! We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode of “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy!” And we thank you for listening. Please help us spread the word—please tell a friend about us! We appreciate every single download! And again, thank you, Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, and Toni Aponte, for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com! Time now to turn it back over to my alter ego, Vicki. Until next time, be well and stay safe!
SFX: [Magic Spell]
Vicki here again. Thanks so much for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to subscribe and tell a friend! And keep on laughing! Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###