Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy

Grandma, What Big Eyes You Have!

May 24, 2022
Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy
Grandma, What Big Eyes You Have!
Show Notes Transcript

“Grandma, What Big Eyes You Have!” - Episode 42

Terrorized again by those pesky, invisible chickens clucking away in his bed, an already traumatized Gneeecey sleepwalks—or, more accurately, sleep-sprints—through his mansion all night, tumbling down several flights of stairs nearly a dozen times. Alarmed, Nicki phones Gneeecey’s “nervologist,” Dr. Idnas, and his therapist, Ingabore Scriblig, AKA “Grandma.” They volunteer to come over for lunch.

Gneeecey is shaken, just recalling when he and Nicki were trapped, oxygen running out, in their stolen, stalled-out amphibious vehicle that had sunk to the bottom of Planet HyenaZitania’s surreal Palabrian Sea. The two prison escapees, rescued just in time, are mistaken for Gneeecey’s evil lookalike, Ebegneeezer Gesundheit Eeeceygnay, and Nicki’s wicked double, NickNick. Gneeecey and Nicki find themselves whisked away to the Splattsburgh Quadrant, where Ebengeeezer is scheduled to be sworn in at 0-1200 zoggblatz for his second term as HyenaZitania’s leader. 

Nicki and Gneeecey recount what happens when two Ebegneeezers show up to take the oath of office.

We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sandi Solá, Sal Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, and Toni Aponte for being generous supporting members via BuyMeACoffee.com! We appreciate their sponsorship and support more than words can say! 

https://buymeacoffee.com/Perswayssick (Please support us with a one-time gift or monthly sponsorship amount—various levels available—to help keep us coming to you via BuyMeACoffee.com! We’ll shout you out during our podcast episodes and in our show notes here, plus supply you with more fun perks!)  

https://www.amazon.com/Vicki-Sola/e/B07J29RVMQ (Amazon Author Page, check out our Gneeecey/Nicki e-books and paperbacks!)

https://www.nfreads.com/interview-with-author-vicki-sola/ (Interview with Vicki Solá)

https://perswayssickradio.buzzsprout.com (right here, our Buzzsprout website w/episodes & transcripts!)   

And much thanks to disproportionately cool artist Jay Hudson for our podcast logo! https://yojayhudson.com/

This Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy podcast is made possible in part by a generous grant from The Ardelle Institute, providing Executive Coaching for aspiring and established professionals who want to develop their careers, including upwardly-mobile executives, professionals who may be in between jobs, and college graduates transitioning to the workforce. The Ardelle Institute helps with resumes, cover letters, LinkedIn profiles, interview skills, and effective job search strategies.  For more information, please call (201) 394-6939, that's (201) 394-6939, or visit them on the web at ardelle-institute.com, that's A-R-D-E-L-L-E dash institute dot com. Take it from me, Gneeecey!

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Transcript / “Grandma, What Big Eyes You Have?”- episode 42, written by Vicki Solá. 

All content © 2022 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. 

Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki….

SFX: [Magic Spell] [Chickens] [Sneakers Squeaking] [Falling Down Stairs] [Cartoon Slip] [Slip and Fall] [Duck Horn] [Metal Crash] [Bang]

DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY: Haaalp! Haaalp! Chickens in my bed! Stinkin’ again! Chickens in my bed! Them baaad people from Planet HyenaZitania keep puttin’ all these lousy chickens in my bed to scare me! Haaalp! An’ ow, my bimbus!

SOOPERFLEA, AKA FLEA, AKA FLEAGLOSSITTY FLOPPINSPLODGE:  Oh, Zig, Nicki an’ I keep tellin’ ya, these chickens ain’t real! It’s all in your mind!

G: No, Fleaglossitty, it ain’t, an’ they are!

F: This is like the tenth time you’ve fallen down the stairs tonight! Are you awright?

G: It’s the elvelventh! The elvelventh time! Can’cha even stinkin’ count, Fleaglossitty?

F: Oh, Zig, ya mean, this is like the eleventh time. 

G: Ain’t like it, it is it! The elvelventh time!

F: Okay, Zig, this is the eleventh time you’ve fallen down the stairs tonight!

NICKI RODRIGUEZ: And now, it’s morning! None of us have gotten any sleep! Y’know, Flea, I think that our Diroctor Gneeecey here needs to see his therapist and doctor.  I’m gonna call Grandma and Doctor Idnas. They should be in the office in a couple of hours. This is all extremely worrisome!

SFX: [Music Logo Big Band] [Cinematic Boom A] [Fail Horn] [Magic Spell] [Doorbell]

G: Get the door, Ig! Why don’cha use them soopoopernatural magic powers ya got? Heh hah, heh haah, heh haaah!

N: Not funny. And the name would be Nicki.

F: An’ don’t forget, Zig, her powers saved your bimbus!

G: Yours too, Fleaglossitty—don’t try an’ say jus’ my lousy bimbus!

SFX: [Doorbell]

G: Ain’cha gonna get that door, Ig?

N: I’m not your, uh, servant, but I’ll get the door because I was the one who invited your therapist and doctor over for lunch. To help you.

G: Speakin’ of lunch, Ig, I better get back in the kitchen an’ keep prepooperatin’ our meal.

F: What’s on the menu, Zig? 

G: A real canine-humanoid delight, for us two, anyways Fleaglossitty. Deep-fried frumblesnoxx stuffed wit’ glomp, goonafish salad drizzled wit’ cross-eyed cheese, fully simmered ice block soup, parrumph wit’ blurdle sauce, an’ for dessert, jackass-cheese pizza topped wit’ turkey flavored ice cream garnished wit’ a squirt of zurt. An’ of course, our Freak O’Nature Merk Perk coffee. An’ some regoogular coffee for the Ig here, that’cha don’t gotta, y’know, eat wit’ a knife an’ fork. An’ she’s so stinkin’ fussy, I’ll jus’ make her one of them bread sandwiches. Y’know, bread in between two slices of bread.

F: Sounds yummy—a real feast!

G: Yep, a veritabooble feast. Okay, Fleaglossitty, I’ll be back in a few. The Ig invited Doctor Idnas an’ Graaandma over for lunch on real short notice. She mus’ think that I, the grate Zig Gneeecey—an’ that’s spelled G-R-A-T-E—am a short-order cook or somethin’.

F: Well, ya are priddy short!

G: I stinkin’ heard that—an’ so are yooou! Now, leave me alone. Gotta get in that lousy kitchen an’ work faaast. Real faaast.

SFX: [Squeaking Sneakers] [Glass Debris [Metal Crash] [Barbecue Sizzle] [Fire Alarm] [Glass Shatter] [Squeaking Sneakers] [Splash 1] [Dish Ceramic] [Doorbell] [Open Door]

DOCTOR ALEXANDRA C. IDNAS: Hallo, Nicki.

INGABORE SCRIBLIG, AKA “GRANDMA”: Hallo, hallo, Nicki! How doodle you do?

N: Doctor Idnas, and Grandma, thank you for coming over on such short notice! I’m very worried about Gneeecey. 

DI: Nicki, vee are only too happy to be of halp. Vee really care about you guys, don’t vee, Ingabore?

IS: Yah, Alexandra, vee do. I’m just back from a refreshing vacation in Boolabeeezia, by Lake Gizzagoola. I’m ready to get back to vurk vit my patients, and fill orders at my veggie meatball shop!

SFX: [Squeaking Sneakers] [Glass Debris [Metal Crash] [Barbecue Sizzle] [Fire Alarm] [Glass Shatter] [Squeaking Sneakers] [Splash 1] [Dish Ceramic]

IS: Vhat ees all dat racket in dere?

DI: Eet sounds like dee end of dee vurld!

N: Oh, that’s just Gneeecey, in the kitchen. Making us lunch.

SFX: [Metal Crash] [Glass Debris]

DI: Vee tought vee vould save him dee trouble—vee tought eet vould be nice to bring you all some lunch! You know, so you could relax after all you’ve been trough!

IS: Yah! I brought enough of my veggie meatballs to last you, Flea, and Gneeecey a couple of days.

DI: And I brought a nice tossed salad, and for dessert, a delicious sloggenberry pie from Shisskey’s Bakery! Sloggenberries are vary much in season now here in Persvayssick County.

N: Oh, thank you so much! Grandma, I love your veggie meatballs, and Doctor Idnas, sloggenberry pie reminds me of our cherry pies back on my planet!

DI: Vall, Nicki, vhen you decide dat you are physically strong enough to attempt a return to  Earth, I vill buy you a sloggenberry pie to bring back vit you!

N: It might roast or be charred to bits! Or dematerialize as I zoom back into my dimension—but I’d be willing to take the chance! And you know something? I never thought I’d say this, but I’ve made a life for myself here in this dimension of Perswayssick County. I very much miss my family and friends back on Earth, but now, you both and Flea and Gneeecey have become like family to me.

DI: Oh, tank you, Nicki. Vee feel dee same!

IS: Yah, vee certainly do!

N: And I would worry about Gneeecey so much if I wasn’t here to look after him. What would happen to Gneeecey?

SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Metal Crash] [Glass Debris] [Dish Ceramic]

G: Ig, do I gotta keep remindicatin’ ya to call me Diroctor Gneeecey? I’m a doctor an’ director of this here lousy Perswayssick County! I’m Grate Gizzygalumpaggis an’ Quality of Life Commissioner, too!

DI: Vhy, hallo, Diroctor Gneeecey.

IS: Hallo, hallo, Diroctor Gneeecey, how doodle you do? Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha….

G: Smello, Doctor Idnas, an’ hi Graaandma. Now that ya ask, I ain’t doodlin’ too good. An’ it ain’t funny, neitherwise!

N: Uh, let’s go into the dining room. We’ll talk there….

G: Okay, then, stinkin’ whatever…. I got Fleaglossitty in there, settin’ the table. Dinin’ room’s right down the hall. Follow me. 

SFX:  [Squeaking Sneakers] [Magic Spell]

IS: Relax, Diroctor Gneeecey, vee have brought plenty of food! My delicious veggie meatballs—enough to feed an army! 

DI: Yah, and I have brought a nice salad and a freshly baked sloggenberry pie!

F: Thanks, Doctor Idnas and Mrs. Scriblig! That sounds real, real tasty!

IS: Yah, Flea! And please, call me Grandma!

G: An’ speak for yourself, Fleaglossitty. I’m not sure I can eat stuff like this junk they brung. I’m goin’ in the kitchen to get the normal stuff I cooked.

SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Metal Crash] [Glass Debris] [Dish Ceramic] [Splash]

N: Doctor Idnas, Grandma, I’m so sorry…I think our Zig Gneeecey is still traumatized by even talking about what happened back when he and I were stranded on Planet HyenaZitania. Like I mentioned on the phone this morning, y’know, when he and I were trapped in that stalled-out amphibious vehicle that had sunk to the bottom of Planet HyenaZitania’s Palabrian Sea. And our oxygen was running out. To label that whole episode as a nightmare is a total understatement!

F: For sure, Nicki! And I feel so bad I was unable to save ya both. I was trapped myself!

IS: Vee understand, Flea. Dere ees no need for you to feel guilty. You vere facing life-tretening challenges yourself! Dis whole ting vas indeed vurse dan any nightmare! 

DI: Grandma and I actually tink dat talking some more about dees ordeal, in a relaxed setting, like dis lunch, vill halp Gneeecey greatly.

SFX: [Halloween Spooky & Fun Logo] [Squeaking Sneakers]

G: I’m baaack! Ah, hah, hah, fiduciary! SFX: [Clinking Coins] [Squeaking Sneakers] [Cartoon Slip] [Slip and Fall] [Duck Horn] [Metal Crash] [Glass Debris] [Dish Ceramic] [Splash] Oh, stinkin’ no, I jus’ sneezed out a bunch more dimes an’ fell on my stinkin’ bimbus at the same time! Been hapoopenin’ a lot lately—my lousy nerves are baaad!

F: An’, Zig, ya jus’ dropped most of the food ya cooked all over the floor!

G: Well, Fleaglossitty, we can eat it offa the floor, then.

F: Speak for yourself, Zig. We are canine-humanoids—descended from dogs, jus’ like dogs descended from wolves—but, darn it, we are refined, educated canine-humanoids, not dogs!

G: Speak for yourself, Fleaglossitty! I’m chowin’ down—ain’t wastin’ all this good grub!

SFX: [Dog Eating] [Belch]

G: ’Scuze me, heh, heh…. SFX: [Dog Eating] So, guys, lemme tell ya what hapoopened after we SFX: [Dog Eating] got rescued from the bottom of the sea SFX: [Dog Eating] an’—

F: Zig, stop chewin’ your words an’ sayin’ your food. Say your words an’ chew your food! 

G: Quiet, Fleaglossitty. Awready finished eatin’! I was starvin’—vacuumed up all that fine food! 

SFX: [Belch]

G: ’Scuze me, heh, heh, heh….

DI: Now, Diroctor Gneeecey, Grandma and I have come to dee conclusion dat talking more about dees ordeal, in a safe and relaxed setting vit us right here in your home, vill halp you greatly to deal vit deese traumatizing experiences. 

IS: Yah, and eet vill halp Nicki, too. Please, bot of you, tell us vhat happened after you vere rescued by dose sea police from dat that stalled-out amphibious vehicle that had sunk to the bottom of Planet HyenaZitania’s Palabrian Sea, vit your oxygen running out…. And vhile you do, I vill try some of Diroctor Gneeecey’s parrumph vit blurdle sauce, dat bit dat did mot fall onto dee floor.

DI: Ingabore, you have alvays been more adventurous dan me.

SFX: [Magic Spell]

N: Okay, Doctor Idnas and Grandma, here goes. Diroctor Gneeecey and I were a couple of prison escapees, rescued just in time before our oxygen ran out down there.

G: Yeah. An’ right away, they mistook me for my hideous lookalike Ebegneeezer Gesundheit Eeeceygnay, an’ the Ig for her nasty double, NickNick. She was even worse than you, Ig!

N: Uh, thanks, Diroctor Gneeecey.

G: Why, you’re very smellcome, Ig.

N: Anyway, we soon found ourselves being whisked away to the Splattsburgh Quadrant, where Ebengeeezer was scheduled to be sworn in at 0-1200 zoggblatz for his second term as HyenaZitania’s leader. SFX: [Car Engine] What was gonna happen if two Ebegneeezers showed up to take the oath of office? I remember, as soon as signs for New Dwonksville city limits popped up, an army of police cars and motorcycles roared up alongside our limo. SFX: [Motorcycle Rumbling] Beaming, our driver, a red-maned zebra-humanoid Mister ZeeBee, gave our escorts a vigorous thumbs-up signal. 

G: Me an’ the Ig thought at times that Mister ZeeBee was kinda suspicious, thinkin’ mayboobee we weren’t actually Ebegneeezer an’ that horibooble NickNick.

N: Especially when you unwittingly dropped your fake British accent. I do believe our driver was suspicious. Meanwhile, you were pretty flattered to be treated like royalty! I remember you leaning forward and shouting, “Wowzickles! Looky, Ig! I mus’ be priddy stinkin’ importootant!” And I nudged you, but you took no notice. Mouth agape, your head turned in all directions. 

G: Heh, heh. Yeah, I shouted, “Looky at all them polices! Gonna suggesticate this kinda security for meee at our nex’ Quality of Life Commission meetin’, if I ever stinkin’ get home, that is.”

N: And our driver assured you, “You will most certainly get home, Your Grate Royal Hynesty. After your inauguration an’ gala celebration at the Virgil Vomker Pavilion, you, your beaudiful wife, an’ your two daughters will return home together. You got my personal guarantee.” You replied something like, “Hah?” And he answered, “Your family’s already at the pavilion, Your Grate Royal Hynesty, awaitin’ your triumphant arrival. An’ I must say, you certainly have a lovely family.” And your schnozz crinkled. 

G: I said, “Yeah. Lovooverly.” Stinkin’ glad that Plumpa an’ VuVuzela weren’t my kids!

N: We could see Mister ZeeBee’s smiling face reflected in his rearview mirror as he added, “Girls sure are gettin’ big.” Then, before you could open your mouth, this deep voice came crackling over the limo’s police scanner. “Prisoner breakout at ZomSect3. Situation fluid, will advise as additional info becomes available.” I still remember, as clear as day, Mister ZeeBee’s stripes appeared to vanish as the blood drained from his face. Adrenaline shot through my veins, and you began chewing on your left wrist, setting off the alarm on your watch.

SFX: [Digital Alarm] [Music Logo Big Band] [Cinematic Boom A] [Fail Horn] [Magic Spell]

N: Well, there we were, at the Splattsburgh Quadrant. “In here now!” barked a tall bodyguard. Tunnels terrified me. I remember just standing in place, body rigid. The creep yanked me by the arm, nearly dislocating my shoulder as he pulled me in, shouting, “I said, now!” And, Diroctor, you complained, “Not very befittin’ of someone of my stinkin’ standin’,” as dozens of shadowy figures rushed you through the pitch-black passageway. I stumbled along behind them.

G: “Didn’t smell too good int here, neitherwise,” I remember sayin’.

N: Yeah, and you forgot to fake your English accent. Again. “Your Grate Royal Hynesty,” began a gruff voice, “there’s been a breakout in ZomSect3. Some key prisoners are missing. Can’t take any chances.” And you answered in what sounded like a Southern drawl—y’know, from Earth.

G: Heh, heh. Yeah, I said somethin’ like, “Stinkin’ whaaatevah. We’ll be sure to disgust this all later, after mah upchuckin’ inordination.” An’ he musta been convinced. He answered, “Yes, Your Grate Royal Hynesty.”

N: After what seemed like a half-hour of being jostled around in total darkness, a blinding light greeted us. Thankfully, you slapped your shades back on, y’know, hiding the fact that you didn’t have a purple strobe-like left eye that blazed when you were feeling any strong emotions.

G: Then a guard told me, “Ten steps here lead right up to the dais. Plan remains the same. Make your speech, you’re sworn in, then we whisk ya away to the festivities.” I dug my right hand into my pocket, y’know, to hide the fact that I ain’t got no extra index finger, like Ebegneeezer. An’ I answered, “Righto, jolly ol’ daft chap.”

N: “Your Igglet will sit here,” said the tall guard, speaking about me as if I weren’t even there. That’s what Ebegneeezer called NickNick—his Igglet. So, he escorted me to a folding metal chair adjacent to the lectern. He asked his colleagues, “Anyone seen Jerko? Sure could use an extra body here.”

G: “Um…uh…I think he’s wit’ the…uh…wife an’ kids,” I stinkin’ replied, trying my best to sound casual an’ y’know, natural. That Jerko guy totally reminded me of Blond Big-nosed Mark. Y’know, a double for one of the Markmen we got here, in our dimension of Perswayssick County.

N: Yeah, it’s like double everything on HyenaZitania. It’s a double-sunned planet, with doubles of you, me, and that Markman-like guy, appropriately named Jerko. And Ebegneezer’s, uh, wife, Groonwaldina—y’know, the exact double of your former fianceé, Goonafina Blopperdang—

G: Don’t stinkin’ bring her up, ya Ig!

N: I’m sorry, Diroctor Gneeecey. Anyway, squinting, I shifted in my hard seat and looked out upon the massive crowd of humans and canine-humanoids that overflowed from the grandstand right up to the edge of the security-lined stage. I spied some of our fellow prison inmates who, like us, had managed to escape from ZomSect3. Good people who had befriended us, like Brad and Meg. And Clyde. And Vlatta and Velma. They stood out in the open, right on top of the guards, glaring up at us, faces hardened with defiance. All except for that glazy-eyed zebra-humanoid, the twin brother of Mister ZeeBee, who Ebegneeezer was supposed to release soon for good behavior. He just gazed into space.  So much for escaped prisoners and all that security. Confident that my hair resembled a living tornado, I attempted to flatten it with both palms.

G: It did look like a livin’ tornado, Ig. Very ackookurate description there.

N: Uh, thanks. Then, you strode up to the microphone, sunglasses perched precariously across your twitching snout. With a grand flourish, you ripped your speech—the extra copy the sea police officer gave you—out of your shirt pocket, tearing it in half. SFX: [Fabric Tear] The speech and your pocket. You cleared your throat and began speaking.

G: Yupperooney. I said, “Fiends, country peepooples an’ fine snitizens of this wonderfooful land of HyenaZitania, we are assemboobled here for a very momentical occasion, where I will make my pollutical speech an’ tell youse all what I am gonna accompooplish in my nex’ term.”

SFX: [Applause] 

N: And thunderous cheers erupted, except from the escapees up front, whose jaws and fists remained clenched. Then, you shouted, “Eh—who stinkin’ needs this?” Energized by the crazed crowd, you tossed your torn speech onto the wooden planks below. 

G: I announced, “I awready read it. Once. Got me one of them photootographical memories. I will talk directly to youse, my jolly peepooples! Tally-ho!”

N: And, my heart sank. I just knew you were sure to mess up. “First,” you shouted, your fake British accent evaporating, “youse are all lucky youse live here, where most stuff is not only legal, it’s illegal too!” You hadn’t taken your meds for days. I cradled my pounding head in my hands.

G: “An’ wit’out getting’ sentimentrental,” I continued, “I pledge to stinkronize our moolitary might wit’ everythin’ I can do to make yooou, my wonderfooful snitizens, hapoopy! I will still give you the shirts offa your backs! An’ the pants offa your bimbus, too!” SFX: [Applause] 

N: More deafening applause. The two suns fried my neck as they blazed through an opening in the canopy above. Melting inside my polyester puke-pink and sickly green plastic bag of an outfit discarded by NickNick, and feeling faint, I cursed my misfortune.

G: “Yolo, baby!” I shouted! “Youse only live once! An’ we are certaintaneously gonna live that once, twice!”

N: And frenzied onlookers threw their hats and water bottles up into the blue sky, the killer rays of the two suns ricocheting like lightning bolts from the clear containers. And you pumped both fists into the air. 

G: Yupperooney! Great speech I was makin’! I said, “An’ ya know what else? I’ve fixed it so youse can plug appliances an’ all other ’lectrical stuff into every tree trunk in this fair land! They’re all grounded now, wit’ them three-pronged adapters! Even the ones on Gruntt Avenue, y’know, where we had sevooveral dangerousical incidents! An’ now they all got USB ports, too! The trees, not the incidents!” An’ I got even more applause! SFX: [Applause] I’m actually priddy sure I could rule Planet HyenaZitania if I had to! I kept goin’! Said, “An’ now we’re addin’ yellow to them lousy blue laws to get green laws!”

N: You were making up stuff at that point. “An’ why,” you asked, remembering again to speak like a Brit, “should we be allowed to buy vanilla syrup every stinkin’ day but chokookolate syrup only on some days? That could stinkin’ cause anarkooky! Even among meee!” An’ then the crowd began chantin’, “We want chocolate! We want chocolate!”

G: That’s right, Ig. Evoovidently, people on other plaaanets love chocolate, too! It was goin’ real good! So, I continued. I said, “An’ antidisestablishmentarianistically speakin’, concernin’ my metaphorical rise to power, I’m hapoopy to serve once more, wit’ all due disrespect, as your Grate Kiss Butt, an’ I thereforthically pledge….”

N: Then everyone gasped, including me. You had gotten your title wrong.

G: But I fixed it. “An’ yeah-an’-a-half,” I added, realizin’ my blunder, “I mayboobee mighta changed my title slightly, to conservate vowels an’ consonants, in order to bring more eckookoonomical an’ alphoophabetical equality an’ justice to this fair land! It’s a new stinkin’ day!”

N: And the cheering resumed. SFX: [Applause] Surprisingly, security seemed to take no notice of your speech and character discrepancies. They just stood around staring vacantly, except when they peered down at their wristwatches (which was often).

And you bowed in every direction, so deeply, that the back seam of your trousers split. SFX: [Fabric Tear] [Helicopter] No one seemed to notice. Except for me. And the escaped prisoners upfront, plus that six-foot-tall teal alligator in a chrome yellow plaid zoot suit. The one that always showed up at Ebegneeezer’s mansion. They all snickered with glee.

G: I didn’t think it was stinkin’ funny.

N: Well, they all did. So, next, a spindly old human whose severe facial features appeared to have been chiseled by a furious sculptor, shuffled up to the hissing microphone. Holding out a thick poop-brown tome, he addressed you in a nasal tone. “Your Grate Royal Hynesty, please step forward and place your right hand on our revered plookenblook.” And you did, revealing a right hand that featured only a single index finger. Thankfully, it seemed to go unnoticed.

G: Heh, heh, heh….

N: “Repeat after me,” said the humorless man, as the skies above suddenly became overcast, “I, Ebegneeezer Gesundheit Eeeceygnay, swear to uphold the laws of our great, double-sunned planet of HyenaZitania, and faithfully serve a thirteenth term as Grate BiggButtKizz….”

G: An’ then—

N: And then, suddenly, all heck broke loose! “Imposter!” howled Ebegneeezer as he sprinted onstage from the back entrance, flanked by Jerko, NickNick, and swarms of black-suited bodyguards, too many to count, weapons drawn!

G: An’ them helicopters were after us, too!

SFX: [Music Logo Big Band] [Cinematic Boom A] [Magic Spell]

DI: My goodness, Diroctor Gneeecey! Nicki! Holy Saint Bogeltorpe!

IS: Vow! Oh, my goodness! No vunder you are experiencing such anxiety, after all dat! I—I tink your anxiety ees catching! I—I 

N: Grandma, are you alright?

DI: Look at her eyes, vide open! My dear Ingabore, are you qvite alright?

G: Graaandma, what big eyes you have! 

F: Grandma!

IS: I tink eet’s dee anxiety—and someting I ate….

G: My cooking?

SFX: [Fail Horn]

F: To be continued!

SFX: [Music Logo Big Band] [Cinematic Boom A] [Magic Spell]

Nicki Rodriguez here again! We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode of “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy!” And we thank you for listening. Please help us spread the word—please tell a friend about us! We appreciate every single download! And again, thank you, Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, and Toni Aponte, for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com! Time now to turn it back over to my alter ego, Vicki. Until next time, be well and stay safe!

SFX: [Magic Spell]

Nicki Rodriguez here again! We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode of “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy!” And we thank you for listening. Please help us spread the word—please tell a friend about us! We appreciate every single download! And again, thank you, Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, and Toni Aponte, for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com! Time now to turn it back over to my alter ego, Vicki. Until next time, be well and stay safe!

SFX: [Magic Spell]

Vicki here again. Thanks so much for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to subscribe and tell a friend! And keep on laughing! Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###