What Would the Answer Beagle Do?

“What Would the Answer Beagle Do?” - Episode 41

Oxygen running out, Nicki and Gneeecey bare their souls to each other. The Earthling and her zany canine-humanoid companion remain trapped in a stalled-out amphibious vehicle that’s sunk to the bottom of Planet HyenaZitania’s surreal Palabrian Sea. How much time do they have left?

We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sandi Solá, Sal Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, and Toni Aponte for being generous supporting members via BuyMeACoffee.com! We appreciate their sponsorship and support more than words can say! 

https://buymeacoffee.com/Perswayssick (Please support us with a one-time gift or monthly sponsorship amount—various levels available—to help keep us coming to you via BuyMeACoffee.com! We’ll shout you out during our podcast episodes and in our show notes here, plus supply you with more fun perks!)  

https://www.amazon.com/Vicki-Sola/e/B07J29RVMQ (Amazon Author Page, check out our Gneeecey/Nicki e-books and paperbacks!)

https://www.nfreads.com/interview-with-author-vicki-sola/ (Interview with Vicki Solá)

https://perswayssickradio.buzzsprout.com (right here, our Buzzsprout website w/episodes & transcripts!)   

And much thanks to disproportionately cool artist Jay Hudson for our podcast logo! https://yojayhudson.com/

This Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy podcast is made possible in part by a generous grant from The Ardelle Institute, providing Executive Coaching for aspiring and established professionals who want to develop their careers, including upwardly-mobile executives, professionals who may be in between jobs, and college graduates transitioning to the workforce. The Ardelle Institute helps with resumes, cover letters, LinkedIn profiles, interview skills, and effective job search strategies.  For more information, please call (201) 394-6939, that's (201) 394-6939, or visit them on the web at ardelle-institute.com, that's A-R-D-E-L-L-E dash institute dot com. Take it from me, Gneeecey!

Transcript

Transcript / “What Would the Answer Beagle Do?”- episode 41, written by Vicki Solá. 

All content © 2022 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. 

Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki….

SFX: [Magic Spell] [Toy Piano Rock-a-bye] [Cartoon Snoring] [Glass Debris [Metal Crash] [Barbecue Sizzle] [Fire Alarm] [Glass Shatter] [Squeaking Sneakers] [Splash 1] [Dish Ceramic] 

SOOPERFLEA, AKA FLEA, AKA FLEAGLOSSITTY FLOPPINSPLODGE: What in Bogelthorpe’s name—

DIROCTOR BIZZIG "ZIG" GNEEECEY: Wake up, Fleaglossitty! I jus’ brewed ya another cup of Freak O’Nature Merk Perk! I know my voice is real soothin’, but’cha gotta stay awake to hear what hapoopens next!

NICKI RODRIGUEZ: Diroctor Gneeecey! I told you not to wake Flea up! He’s exhausted, like the rest of us—

F: That’s okay, Nicki. At the superhero academy, they taught us how to sleep fast. An’ Zig, I’m sorry I fell asleep durin' your story ’bout how you an’ Nicki were stranded on your evil lookalike Ebegneeezer’s Planet HyenaZitania, an’ your stolen amphibious car sank to the bottom of the Palabrian Sea, an’ youse were runnin’ outta oxygen an’—

G: Wasn’t no story—it really hapoopened to me—

N: Kinda happened to me, too, Diroctor Gneeecey.

F: Yeah, Zig—

 G: An’ whose side are ya on, Fleaglossitty? It was a matter of life an’ deaf! You’re supposed to be my best friend, an’ ya go fallin’ asleep when I’m ’bout to stinkin’ run outta oxygen! An’ don’t even say the whole thing was my fault—

F: Wasn’t gonna, Zig. You’re the one who jus’ suggested that—

G: I did not suggesticate it! But I know ya were thinkin’ it!

F: I was not!

G: That’s right, Fleaglossitty. You’re known professionally an’ commerchically as Sooperflea, but your ESP powers have been messin’ up—so, now you’re jus’ a regoogular canine-humanoid like meee, ’cept I ain’t regoogular, I am Diroctor Bizzig “Zig” Gneeecey, the Grate Gizzygalumpaggis of this here Perswayssick County an’ I’m a stinkin’ zillionaire business maggot, toot! An’ yooou ain’t! An’ I’m better lookin’!

F: Hey, Zig! No need to get personal! An’ your voice is about as soothin’ as a dentist’s drill!

N: Okay, you two, please, we’re all exhausted. 

F: An’ what’s that horrible odor? Smells either like your socks or like a gas leak.

G: Ain’t my socks an’ the stink ain’t horribooble! I was hungry an’ made myself this here hard-boiled, aged platypus egg sandwich, smothered in melted cross-eyed cheese. One of my favorites. Ain’t no gas leakin’!

F: Yet.

G: Shaddup, Fleaglossitty—lemme enjoy my snack here. SFX: [Dog Eating Noises] [Belch]

F: If that ain’t a gas leak, my superhero cape ain’t red!

N: Okay, guys, c’mon. We’re all really overtired. We can wait till tomorrow to tell the rest of this story—

G: Nooooo, we caaan’t, ya Ig! An’ it ain’t a story—it really hapoopened!

F: Okay, okay, Zig, tell me the rest of what happened….

SFX: [Magic Spell] [Halloween Music Box Cinematic Logo] [Underwater Bubbles]

N: Okay, Flea, Diroctor Gneeecey, and I were stranded on his evil lookalike Ebegneeezer Gesundheit Eeeceygnay’s double-sunned, double-everything, it seems, Planet HyenaZitania. And the high-tech amphibious car we, uh, “borrowed” from my nasty lookalike NickNick had stalled out—

G: Not my fault, Ig—I was jus’ trynna help—

N: [clears throat] As I was saying, without assigning blame, the vehicle stalled out and sank to the bottom of the Palabrian Sea, with us locked inside. We were running out of oxygen and didn’t know what to do. I remember us just helplessly staring through the cracked windshield. I was praying that the crack would withstand all that pressure. 

G: An’ then I said, “Ya know what, Ig? In school, we learnt ’bout our planet’s legendary all-knowin’ Answer Beagle. Never met the guy personally, but they assured us that he stinkin’ knows everything. Jus’ as his name impooplicates. Wonder what he would do now….”

N: I remember shrugging. “An’ y’know what else?” you asked. And I answered, “No. What else?” Then you raised your red, high-top sneakered right foot and pried open the front of its rubber sole. 

G: Yeah, I remember sayin’, “See, Ig? It’s the secret hidin’ place created that time ya busted my shoe when ya creepily made your kitchen get all cleaned up all by itself after I messed it up.” Ya know, Ig, I still wonder why ya didn’t use them magical powers of yours to get us outta that jam!

N: Well, Doctor Gneeecey—

G: I must remindicate ya, that’s Diroctor Gneeecey—

N: I know. You’re a doctor and director of Perswayssick County. As I was beginning to say, Diroctor Gneeecey, at that point, I didn’t have much control over these powers of mine. I’m still learning….

F: You’re definitely doin’ better, Nicki. Ain’t easy learnin’ to control such powers, especially yours, that are a result of, y’know, dimension burn from your repeated trips between your Earth an’ our dimension of Perswayssick County.

N: True that, Flea. 

G: So, anyways, that Gobblesnotts rat—

N: You mean Mister Gobblesnotts, Ebegneeezer’s two daughters’ black-and-white checkered flying pet guinea pig.

G: Yeah, him. Talk ’bout when pigs fly. Anyways, that Mister Gobblesnotts was unlousy enough to bring me back my treasures that Ebegneeezer an’ his bad guys stole. Hadda been Mister Gobblesnotts. Slipped ’em right through our prison bars that night before we escaped. While you were busy sleepin’, I got the courage to look. Y’know, rememboober, we heard that noise?

N: Yeah, I do remember.

G: Mayboobee I shouldn’t call him a flyin’ rat no more. After all, he brung me back my precious teddy bear, Yammicles.

N: Yep, with your precious thousand-dollar bill stuffed inside. My, uh, double, NickNick was so mean to Mister Gobblesnotts, cruel, really. I think that was the poor guinea pig’s way of getting back at her. Basically, he’s a good furry boy.

G: I even forgave him for poopin’ that brick onto my head back in Ebegneeezer’s mansion. 

N: Speaking of thousand-dollar bills…uh, you did bring up that, uh, car you bought, y’know, with my credit card check while I was at work? When you were staying in my apartment .back on Earth?

G: Oh, yeah, Ig. Thaaat…. that beaudiful automobile. Was so lucky to find one in pastel black. Such a priddy color! Not shiny. Wasn’t gonna hurt nobody’s eyes when your dopey Earth sun would shine. Its fallin’ apart exhaust system had a probooblem wit’ carbon trioxide. But it can be fixed. 

N: It’s probably still out there on my driveway, running.  

G: Nah. Proboobably ran outta gas by now. SFX: [Belch] 

F: I see you haven’t, Zig. 

G: Shaddup, Fleaglossitty. 

N: My landlord probably had that wreck towed away. And I haven’t been home for so long, my possessions are probably out on the curb. 

G: Price was right, too, only a grand!  

N: And you paid for this—this car of yours with my money, without asking me. Instead of with that thousand-dollar bill you, uh, retrieved from your teddy bear Yammicles’ mouth when you first busted into my place that night, right? 

G: Heh, heh, you’re still mad, ain’t ya, Ig? I jus’ wanted to save that thousand-dollar bill for myself. An’ I seen ya had in your desk all those funny checks from your credit card companies, wit’ papers talkin’ ’bout how smart it is to transfer balances an’ save lotsa mon-ney an’ get lotsa stuff ya want. Y’know, Ig? 

N: Yeah. And now that I’ve been stranded here in your dimension of Perswayssick County for so long, with this dimension burn that makes it deadly dangerous for me to try and return to Earth, I’m sure my credit rating is garbage by now.  

G: Proboobably, Ig. 

N: That would be Nicki. And I’m sure I don’t have a job anymore, either. 

G: Ya still got a job wit’ me at my GAS Broadcast Network, Ig. Actually, sevooveral. Ya also got your part-time gig at my Gneeezle’s Restaurant. Rememboober? 

N: Yeah…. 

G: Well, don’t say it like that, all oogdimonious. 

N: Yeah…. 

G: An’ back to that thousand dollars of yours that I used. Rememboobelr, at the time, I told ya I was doin’ ya a favor, Ig! Honest! On them checks, it said how ya hadda use ’em up by a certain date, or they wouldn’t be no good no more, an’ how they’d be real hapoopy if ya used ’em, an’ I didn’t want them real important finaaancial people to get maaad at’cha!”

N: Yeah…right…. 

G: So, when we were down there at the bottom of the sea, I told ya, since I used your, uh, resources, y’know, wit’out securin’ your actual Ig authorization when I purchoochased my beaudiful new car—an’ it was new to me—I’d stinkin’ give ya my thousand-dollar bill if we made it outta there alive.

N: You must’ve thought we were doomed.

G: Now, rememboober I also ’splained to ya, Ig, that I learnt in my News Guessin’ classes that everythin’ in life is fifty-fifty. Either somethin’ll hapoopen or it won’t. All boils down to proboobability.

N: Lucky we came out on the good side of those fifty-fifty odds. Didn’t seem so promising at the time. 

G: True, Ig.

N: That would be Nicki.

G: Yeah, Ig. An’ rememboober your missing earring, the lost one ya were upset cause it was from a gift your dad had given ya? 

N: Yes, Diroctor Gneeecey. You pulled that out of your sneaker, too.

G: Yupperooney, Ig, Mister Gobblesnotts brung that to me, too. An’ y’know what else, Ig?

N: No... what else?

G: I decided I was gettin’ used to havin’ ten fingers. Wasn’t all that bad. I mean, at the time, back on Planet HyenaZitania, I stinkin’ panicked when I discovered I had ten lousy fingers now instead of eight! I said, I got a real disaboobability now—I’m like youse humans! It was dimension burn, affectin’ me, too. But I’m almost okay wit’ it now, Ig. Almost….

N: I’m glad it’s getting better for you.

G: An’ rememboober, down at the bottom of that ocean, runnin’ outta oxygen, I was thinkin’, if we made it outta there, y’know, not dead, I should proboobably try an’ be nicer to Flubbubb.”

N: Yeah, I do remember. Couldn’t argue with that. Still can’t.

F: Yeah, Zig. You, me, an’ Flubbubb—us three canine-humanoids—were the best of childhood pals, growin’ up back on our Planet Eccchs. Inseparable.

G: Yeah, Fleaglossitty, inseparabooble. He always worshipped the ground I sat on, an’ still does. I always made such a big stinkin’ stink ’bout not lettin’ him play even one single lousy note on his triangle when me an’ you do them recitals at the Perswayssick Civic Center. So, perhaphoops, I should treat Flubbubb more nicer, even though he is a real Iggleheimer.

N: Ah yes, those mythical, clumsy three-legged troglodytes from your native Planet Eccchs. An absolute insult to be called one...my lovely nickname ‘Ig’ is short for that.

G: Yeah, Ig, it is. An’, y’know, now that we’re safe again, I decided that it might be better if I don’t let him play ’cause silence between notes is, y’know, very importootant. Music wouldn’t be music wit’out no silent spaces between notes, right? It would all pour into your ears like bad- smellin’ molasses wit’ no rhythm.

N: Uh, well….

G: Guess I ain’t been that rotten to Flubbubb after all.

F: Zig, ya might not have been blessed wit’ musical talent, but ya got a gift when it comes to rationalization.

G: Fleaglossitty, I’ll ignauzeate that remark. An’ Ig, remember when you said we may only have hours or even just minutes left?

N: Yes, Diroctor Gneeecey. And you said again, “Me an’ you been through lots together, ain’t we, Ig?” I was surprised to see your eyes welled up with tears, glistening in the dark. 

G: Ain’t proud of that, Ig….

N: And I asked, “you think maybe, in what are possibly our last moments, you could call me by my proper name?”

G: An’ I answered,“Your propooper name?”

N And I replied, “Yes. You know, Nicki.” And you answered, “That ain’t my name. An’ y’know what else, Ig?” It had become downright steamy in our car-turned-submarine. I replied, “What else?”

G: An’ I said, “I really kinda don’t hate you.”

N: And I replied, “I really kinda don’t hate you either, too.” And then you asked me if the beans we cook with in my dimension—y’know, to make rice and beans—had anything to do with my having special powers. I remember somehow managing a smile. 

G: Yeah, Ig. Ya answered, “Well, ya never know.”

N: And that very moment, we were bombarded by blinding blue and green beams. I had to shield my eyes.

G: An’ I shouted, “Ig! Looky! Look at all them lights! Mus’ be some gigaaantical killer monster!”

N: And we soon found ourselves enveloped in the strange luminosity. And you screamed, “Wowzickles! I wonder if this is how Fleaglossity feels, y’know, stuck in your lousy closet with all them weird lights!” The brilliant hues blazed through my tightly closed lids. I replied, “Yes, poor Flea. Nice that you’re developing some empathy in these last moments, Diroctor.”

F: Thanks for thinkin’ of me, guys!

G: An’ heh, heh, I piped in, “Speakin’ of empoopathy, Fleaglossity was inventin’ some stooopid Empoopathy 5000 machine that’s supposed to help him feel the pain his chiropractor patients are feelin’. So he could help ’em better. Mayboobee that messed him up. Who wants to feel someone else’s lousy backache? Dopey idea.”

N: And I replied, “That’s not dopey at all.”

F: Thank you, Nicki.

N: You’re very welcome, Flea. And, I wondered what was freakin’ going on with all those weird, blazing bright lights.

G: An’ I thought it coulda been the Answer Beagle, Ig, there to save us! But then I thought, nah—he’s proboobably too busy an’ importootant! Then, brilliant genius that I aaam, I said, betcha it’s Sooperflea! Has to be Fleaglossity, finally comin’ to save us! An’ he brung along all them lights from your closet! Yayyysickles, I shouted, “We’re over here, Fleaglossitty! Me an’ the Ig! Good ol’ Fleaglossitty! We’re stuck down here wit’ no air in this lousy, horribooble vehickookle an’—”

SFX: [Wood Demolition]

N: A thunderous thump interrupted you. After a violent jerk forward, we found ourselves being towed by the eerie lights. Dragged! SFX: [Sport Car Engine]

G: An’ I shouted, “What in Bogelthorpe’s name’s hapoopenin’, Ig?”

N: I had no idea. I just remember our bodies slamming back into our seats as we picked up speed and flew through the ocean, seeing only sediment and bubbles for miles. You grabbed my hand. 

G: Not proud of that either, Ig. I thought out loud, “Guess Flea knows what he’s doin’! Sometimes he don’t! We might possiboobly be travoovelin’ at the speed of light!”

N: Sheer fear was causing me to shiver. I remember squeezing your furry fingers as our wheels descended with a bang SFX: [Bang] and we sped onto bumpy dry land. 

SFX: [Sports Car Engine]

N: And in a split second, our car clunked up against whatever was dragging it, darn near giving me whiplash when we screeched to a sudden stop. SFX: [Screeching Brakes] [Bang]

G: An’ that gave me whiplash! My stinkin’ neck! An’ I thought how Fleaglossity always was kinda incompoopetent. Jus’ managed to graduate from superhero school by the teeth of his skin.

F: Why, thank you, Zig.

G: You’re very smellcome, Fleaglossitty. Glad you enjoy my snarkasm. 

N: Geez, Diroctor Gneeecey….

G: Whaaaaat?

N. Nothing…. So, we could finally see the vehicle that had pulled us to safety. The words “Sea Police” were painted in white lettering across it. The whale-sized amphibious aquamarine tank sported six-foot-high heavy-treaded retractable tires. An array of wings, fins, periscopes, and these strange cannon-like protrusions covered the conveyance. And its blinding green and purple lights continued flashing. And this muscle-bound officer, dressed in a navy uniform, lumbered our way, service revolver drawn. Kinda scary. He unlatched our doors and offered me a hand as I staggered onto the blacktop.

G: An’ I yelled, “You ain’t Flea! You ain’t Fleaglossity at all! Or the Answer Beagle!”

N: Very astute observation, Diroctor Gneeecey….

G: I ain’t astute! How dare ya—

F: Zig, she means—

G: Quiet, Fleaglossitty, I stinkin’ know what she means. An’ I’ll fix her.

N: [sighs] And the officer saluted you and exclaimed, “Your Grate Royal Hynesty and his assistant!” He thought we were Ebegneeezer and NickNick. And, Diroctor, I’ll give you props here. You had the presence of mind to reach into that endless pit of a T-shirt pocket of yours and put on a pair of sunglasses to hide the fact that you don’t have one purple eye like Ebegneeezer. 

G: Thanks, Ig. An’ I also rememboobered to clench my right fist to hide the fact that, unlike my hideous evil lookalike, I only had one lousy index finger.

N: The officer asked if we were alright. “I…I think so,” I replied. My rubbery legs were ready to collapse. “How…did you find us?” I asked. He replied, “The ooglometronical signal emitted by your vehicle led us to you. You’re much too important not to be monitored when you leave the main quadrant.” And your face lit up, Diroctor Gneeecey.

G: Heh, heh. Always love a compoopliment.

N: Then he introduced himself. Said, “I’m Lieutenant Krumplotsky. Special forces unit is on alert back in the hydro car. I’ll inform them it’s not an XL3 photon-plus cannon situation. Your vehicle was reported stolen. Possible carjacking. Or assassination attempt.” And that, Diroctor Gneeecey, made you flinch. Then, thank goodness, the officer replaced his weapon in its holster and said, “Glad to recover you both unharmed.” 

G: “Yupperooney,” I said. “We are them.”

N: And as I remember, you put on a very poor British accent.

G: I was jus’, y’know, tryin’ to impersonate Ebegneeezer. I rememboober, ya shot me a glance that coulda withered a giant oak tree—y’know, like Mister Tree out here in my backyard.

N: Well, yeah. I thought that within minutes, we could expect an APB alert to be put out for us two lookalike ZomSect3, y’know, zombie prison escapees.

G: I kept trynna cover for us. I told the officer that you took a wrong turn ’cause ya weren’t payin’ detention to your drivin’. Coulda got us seriously kilt.

N: Yeah, right. I bit my tongue so hard that I almost tasted blood. And I remember that Lieutenant Krumplotsky pulled this translucent device, more gaseous than solid, from his belt and scrolled down its smoky screen. “According to your itinerary for today, your Grate Royal Hynesty,” he said, “you’re en route to the Splattsburgh Quadrant, where you’re scheduled to be sworn in at 0-1200 zoggblatz for your second term.”

G: An’ I said, “I’m real good at swearin’!” Wanted to impress him, y’know?

N: Yeah. The officer chuckled. Then he removed his helmet, scratched his head, and handed you a legal-sized yellow sheet of paper. Answered, “I’m sure you are, your Grate Royal Hynesty. Here’s another copy of your speech, for your convenience.”

G: An’ I said, “How very cornvenient. I’ll keep it safe in here wit’ all my other junk.”

N: And you crumpled it up and crammed it into that lumpy T-shirt pocket of yours.Then the lieutenant tapped his tablet and said, “I’ll contact your limo driver immediately, Your Grate Royal Hynesty. You’re safe now, thanks to that UPZx3 signal tracking. If you remember, you enacted the regulation requiring that feature yourself, for both your car and hers.” And, Diroctor, you puffed your chest out and said—

G: I said, “I bloody do rememboober. Leave it to good ol’ me! An’ he said, “And no worries, we’ll have your vehicle here towed back to headquarters and see if it can be salvaged. And Ms. NickNick, please be more careful next time you’re transporting such precious cargo.”

N: You grinned. And I did too, through gritted teeth. Then, seconds later, this black armored limousine zoomed up alongside us.

G: An’ I shouted, “Jolly good job, Plotchcrum! Ya sure know your onions, ol’ chap!”

N: You were waving as he strode back to his hydro car. Thankfully, he was too far out of range to hear you.

G: Whaddaya mean, Ig?

N: Then, I yanked you by your arm. “C’mon, Diroctor,” I said, “let’s get in this limo and figure out what’s next. We are not out of the woods, by any means.”

G: An’ I still think that was so dopey of ya to say. We weren’t in no woods, ya Ig. We were at the bottom of the sea. Sheesh. Where did you learn your geographoophy? Evoovidently, they don’t teach it too good on your plaaanet.

N: I rolled my eyes as you and I piled into the backseat. “Mister ZeeBee!” you exclaimed, greeting the familiar red-maned zebra-humanoid—the very same cab driver who had driven us into town back when we’d first arrived on HyenaZitania. Y’know, when we’d mistakenly thought we’d arrived back in Perswayssick County.

G: Boy, were we in for a stinkin; surprise or two, weren’t we, Ig?

N: Yeah. “Your Grate Royal Hynesty, my stroke of good fortune is three-fold,” said Mister ZeeBee. “I am now employed by you an’ your wonderful government, an’ encouraged by your promise today at breakfast to reconsider the release of my twin brother from ZomSect3 for good behavior. An’ I am simply delighted to be transportin’ you an’ your lovely companion twice today!” SFX: [Car Engine]

G: Noisy limo…. Well, I hadda keep playin’ along. I had no stinkin’ idea what he was talkin’ ’bout, y’know. Guess he an’ Ebegneeezer had a breakfast meetin’ or somethin’. So, I said, “I’m simpooply delighted too, Mister ZeeBee, but if ya rekookolect, as I informed ya las’ time, she ain’t my companion. An’ she certaintaneously ain’t lovooverly. She’s jus’ my stinkin’ assistant, the Ig.”

N: I’ll say it again. In your freakin’ dreams.

G: Don’t say it so oogdimonious, Ig. 

N: Whatever. Next, I remember the zebra-humanoid replying, “Sorry, Your Grate Royal Hynesty,” as he brushed his unruly red mane from his eyes. “You seemed to appreciate her much more this mornin’ when you hired me,” he continued. “An’ Miss NickNick, I’ll never forget your kind words either.” And squirming, I forced a smile.

G: An’ then I told him, “W-we are g-goin’ to the…uh…Splattsburgh Quadrant. Gotta get sweared in an’ make a real important pollutical speech. So, let’s step on it. Don’t wanna miss my own inordination.”

N: You had unwittingly dropped your, uh, attempt at an English accent. Mister ZeeBee replied, “Your Grate Royal Hynesty, it is my mission to deliver you in a timely fashion.”

G: And I said, “Okie-doke, ol’ bloke.” Tried my best to sound British. Then he was starin’ at us in his rearview mirror.

N: Yeah, we were both worried, at that point, that he was becoming suspicious.

G: Yeah, Ig. He said, “Your Grate Royal Hynesty, I realize that I’m to drive you directly to your destination, but perhaps before the police escort meets up with us in New Dwonksville, we should swing by your mansion so that the two of you could…uh…no offense intended…freshen up a bit?”

N: To say that you and I exchanged nervous glances is an understatement!

G: Yeah! We couldn’t let him stinkin’ bring us back to Ebegneeezer’s mansion!

N: Whole game would’ve been over. Our fate would’ve been much worse than being returned to that zombie ZomSect3 prison courtyard! 

G: Yeah, Ig!

N: You straightened your shirt and wiped your runny nose on the edge of your short-sleeve T-shirt, no easy feat. 

G: Thanks, Ig! Was kinda difooficult, but I done it!

N: And I smoothed down my cyclone-styled hair. We must’ve looked a real sight.

G: Yooou musta, anyways….

N: Thanks…. Then our striped chauffeur insisted, “I know a shortcut,” adding, “I’d be happy to wait.”

[together] N: No!  G: No! 

N: And, “No, thanks!” I added, for emphasis, in a voice as tight and squeaky as yours.

G: Whaddaya mean, squeaky? My stinkin’ voice ain’t squeaky!

SFX: [Fail Horn] [Magic Spell]

N: Imagine, what would happen when two Ebengeeezers arrived at the Splattsburgh Quadrant to be sworn in at 0-1200 zoggblatz for a second term? SFX: [Cinematic Boom A]

G: What hapoopens next is a story for another day!

F: Wowzickles, you two—this is the first time youse ever told me ’bout that adventure!

N: Y’know, Flea, it feels like I’ve just relived that whole, uh, adventure….

G: I’m beginnin’ to wonder if the Answer Beagle don’t really exist…. He certaintaneously wasn’t no help at all when we needed him….

F: I’m so sorry I wasn’t around to save you guys! I actually was stuck in Nicki’s closet back on Earth—but that’s a whole ’nother story for another day! An’ by the way, Zig, I once met the Answer Beagle!

G: Ya did not!

F: Did too!

[together] G: Ya did not! F: Did too! G: Ya did not! F: Did too! G: Ya did not! F: Did too!

F: Did too! Even took a picture wit’ him, an’ he personally signed one of my capes!

G: Oh yeah?

F: It’s my profile pic! He was very nice to me!

G: I don’t stinkin’ believe ya, Fleaglossitty!

F: Go look, then! 

G: Ah, hah, haah, fiduciary!

SFX: [Clinking Coins] [Squeaking Sneakers] Cartoon Slip] [Slip and Fall] [Duck Horn]

G: Ya made me sneeze an’ fall on my stinkin’ bimbus at the same time!

F: Sorry. Not.

N: C’mon, guys, please!  We’ve gotta stick together, now—we’ve got enough coming at us from the outside!

SFX: [Cinematic Boom A] [Fail Horn] [Magic Spell]

Nicki Rodriguez here again! We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode of “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy!” And we thank you for listening. Please help us spread the word—please tell a friend about us! We appreciate every single download! And again, thank you, Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, and Toni Aponte, for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com! Time now to turn it back over to my alter ego, Vicki. Until next time, be well and stay safe!

[Magic Spell] 

Nicki Rodriguez here again! We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode of “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy!” And we thank you for listening. Please help us spread the word—please tell a friend about us! We appreciate every single download! And again, thank you, Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, and Toni Aponte, for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com! Time now to turn it back over to my alter ego, Vicki. Until next time, be well and stay safe!

SFX: [Magic Spell]

Vicki here again. Thanks so much for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to subscribe and tell a friend! And keep on laughing! 

Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###