“We Been Through Lots Together, Ain’t We, Ig?” - Episode 40
Nicki and Gneeecey recall when their amphibious vehicle stalled out and sank to the bottom of Planet HyenaZitania’s surreal Palabrian Sea. What would run out first—their courage or their oxygen?
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Transcript / “We Been Through Lots Together, Ain’t We, Ig?”, episode 40, written by Vicki Solá.
All content © 2022 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.
Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki….
SFX: [Magic Spell]
DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY: Stinkin’ good to be home, ain’t it, Ig!
NICKI RODRIGUEZ: Sure is, Diroctor Gneeecey! And, uh, the name would be Nicki.
G: Okay, Ig. Lemme check my answerin’ machine here to see if I got any important messages. I’m waitin’ to hear when they’re gonna deliver the pet peeve I ordered.
SFX: [Electronic Cash Register Buttons]
MALE VOICE: You have one new message. Press play to listen. SFX: [Electronic Cash Register Buttons]
CRANK CALLER: I vant to buy some cryptocurrency.
G: Stinkin’ spam…reminds me, I’m hungry.
SFX: [Cell Phone Ring]
N: Flea, is that your phone ringing?
SOOPERFLEA, AKA FLEA, AKA FLEAGLOSSITTY FLOPPINSPLODGE: Yeah, Nicki...looks like it’s Doctor Idnas, finally returnin’ my call…hello, Doctor Idnas?
DR. ALEXANDRA C. IDNAS: Hallo, Flea, are you okay? Have you heard from our Zig Gneeecey? Ees he okay? Vhat about Nicki, ees dere any news about her?
F: Yupperooney, yupperooney, yupperooney, an’ yupperooney, in that order, Doctor Idnas!
DI: You know, I am so sorry I missed your call earlier. I vas een a big meeting at Florence Ferguson Memorial Hospital. You know, Grandma and I have been so vorried about all of you!
F: I’ll bring ya up to date real quick, Doctor Idnas. Nicki an’ me, we were both kidnapped—snatched outta thin air by that evil demon clown of bathrooms, y’know, Sulak. He brought us up to Zig’s high-tech vacation cabin in Booolabeeezia. He tied us up in these uncomfortable little red rubber chairs in the kitchen an’ tortured us, made us sit there an’ watch reruns of Zig’s favorite stupid sitcom “Angry Little Airplanes” an’—
G:My show ain’t stooopid! An’ it was my favorite epoopisode where Daddy Airplane—
F: Ssssssh! An’ so Zig crashed his helicopter right through his cabin’s big picture window, it was real, real noisy, but he was okay—thank Saint Bogelthorpe—an’—
G: But my lousy watch was broke—an’ the helicopter an’ my big picture window too—an’ it was dark ’cause the chopper was, y’know, stuck in the busted window, blockin’ out all the light, an’ I fell on my bimbus sevooveral times, an’—
F: Ssssssh! An’ it turns out that Zig’a evil lookalike—
G: He don’t look that stinkin’ much like me—an’ Fleaglossitty, stop shushin’ me in my own house! Ah, hah, haah, fiduciary! SFX: [Clinking Coins] Oh, looky, I jus’ sneezed out more dimes than ever—gotta make another trip to Stummix Bank sooner than I igspected!
F: Quiet, Zig, pleeeaze! An’ like I was trynna say, Zig’s evil lookalike Ebegneeezer Gesundheit Eeeceygnay was there too, tied to the, uh, commode across the hall in the bathroom.
DI: Oh, my goodness, Flea!
F: An’ Sulak had given Nicki a clue, said it was another word for “stalk,” a noun, an’ Nicki an’ I figured out that word was “stem,” an’ it’s, y’know, an acronym for Sulak, his evil nine-foot-tall, three-armed, three-legged clown pal Three, an’ Ebegneeezer, an’ SFX: [Scary Ambience] them Markmen who love our county’s gumpy brown toxic mierk an’ use it to create bodies for themselves or else they would jus’ be a buncha floatin’ eyeballs! So, we think they’ve all banded together an’ wanna take over Perswayssick County—or at least our mierk-rich region of Booolabeeezia!
DI: Oh, my goodness, Flea, eet appears dat dee lines betveen good and evil have been drawn! SFX: [Cinematic Boom A]
F: Yupperooney! An’ so, Sulak came an’ magically tied Zig in a chair an’ then talked to one of them bad Markmen on the phone, an’ then Zig’s bad breath made Sulak dematerialize—
G: An’ he took my zillion-dollar teeeveee wit’ him—he stole it! An’ my breath ain’t thaaat stinkin’ bad!
F: An’ then Zig surprised us all—he got up an’ started walkin’ ’round wit’ the chair still tied to his bimbus—
G: Tell Doctor Idnas how I’m a stinkin’ innovator! A dopey genius! I not only proved I could walk ’round wit’ a chair tied to my bimbus, but that I could walk an’ think—all at the same time! Took lots of practice, but I done it!
F: Quiet, Zig! So, Nicki an’ I realized we could walk around too, wit’ chairs tied to our bimbus. An’ then our dopey genius Zig decided to walk out the side door, but he didn’t know the bad guys had removed the steps, an’ so Zig ended up fallin’ into a high tree right on the edge of a cliff. An’ so, wit’ my superhero powers, I flew out to save him wit’ my chair still tied to my, y’know, bimbus, but the chair weighed me down, an’ I ended up stuck in that same tree wit’ Zig.
DI: Oh, my, Flea, I can almost hear you and our Zig Gneeecey screaming for help!
G & F: Halp! Haalp! Haaalp!
F: Yup, I still hear us, too! An’ wit’ our combined weight, the tree started bendin’ toward the edge of the cliff! An’ then that rotten Sulak came back wit’ one of them evil alien Markmen an’ they said they were gonna do away wit’ Zig an’ me an’ make Nicki watch, an’ then after, they were gonna do away wit’ her! An’ they plan to make Ebegneeezer impersonate Zig, as y’know Grate Gizzygalumpaggis of Perswayssick County, so they can get everything they want!
G: Ain’t never gonna hapoopen! Nebberd-kinnezzard! Means extra-never on our Planet Eccchs!
SFX: [Squeaking Sneakers] Cartoon Slip] [Slip and Fall] [Duck Horn]
G: Ow! Got so maaad that I fell on my bimbus again!
F: An’ our Nicki got so mad that she made Sulak, the Markman, an’ Ebegneeezer dematerialize—like magic, jus’ by starin’ at ’em! An’ then she used the same magical power to fly to our tree an’ save Zig an’ me! Her Splodge was still parked on the dirt road at the bottom of the mountain, so she drove us back to Zig’s mansion, an’ here we are safe an’ sound! For the time bein’, anyways….
SFX: [Fail Horn] [Magic Spell] [Halloween Spooky & Fun Logo] [Glass Debris [Metal Crash] [Barbecue Sizzle] [Fire Alarm] [Glass Shatter] [Squeaking Sneakers] [Splash 1] [Dish Ceramic]
G: Okay, guys, I made ya coffee, like I promised. Freak O’Nature Merk Perk for meee an’ yooou, Fleaglossitty. An’ I made this special regoogular coffee for yooou, Ig.
N: Uh, thanks, Diroctor Gneeecey. And the name would be Nicki.
G: You’re very smellcome, Ig. Coffee I made ya looks like mud, actually kinda like mierk, but it ain’t. I’m sure it proboobably tastes better than it smells.
N: Uh, thanks…I think….
G: Us three need to rest an’ relax a little after all we been through.
F: Can’t argue wit’ that, Zig.
N: Me either, Diroctor Gneeecey.
G: An’ I jus’ got a great idea! Youse both can relax by countin’ all the dimes I jus’ sneezed out. Put ’em in these here coin roll wrappers. Youse got enough to keep youse busy all night, an’ then tomorrow mornin’ I can go take ’em to the bank! SFX: [Circus] An’ while youse two roll them coins, I’ll wear this here lampshade on my head an’ juggle champagne glasses while I balance this here ol’ upside-down terlit plunger on my nose, y’know, to entertain youse!
SFX: [Cuckoo Clock]
F: Uh, look what time it is! Five o’clock awready!
N: Yeah, it’s already five o’clock, and we’re tired after all we’ve—
G: Youse two are no fun.
G: Anyways, y’know, Ig, seein’ that lousy Ebegneeezer made me think of when meee an’ yooou were straaanded on his Planet HyenaZitania. Remember? We were in that high-tech weird amphiboobious vehickookle, an’ it stalled at the bottom of the ocean?
N: With only a limited supply of oxygen left. How could I ever forget? We’re lucky to even be here to tell the story.
F: So, tell me, guys, pleeeaze! Sounds better than Zig’s, uh, plan to entertain us!
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Halloween Music Box Cinematic Logo]
N: Okay, Flea. Diroctor Gneeecey—
G: Ig, ya can call me Zig.
N: Seriously? Okay, Zig and I—
G: Changed my mind, Ig. Keep callin’ me Diroctor Gneeecey. I’m a doctor an’ county director.
N: Whatever. So, Diroctor Gneeecey and I were trying to escape from Ebegneeezer, who rules Planet HyenaZitania. On that planet, they have these little pocket-sized cars that expand to full size when you press a button. So, we found the car that belonged to my evil lookalike there, NickNick.
G: She was even worse than yooou, Ig!
N: Thanks, Diroctor Gneeecey….
G: You’re smellcome. An’ genius that I am, I figured out that the little switch in the middle made the car grow to full size! Jus’ a lousy little red button. An’ I was kinda worried, hopin’ they replaced the winter air in the tires wit’ summer air. Y’know, to opooptimize performance.
N: Wasn’t easy figuring out how to get in the car either. I remember you pushed this almost invisible indentation, and both sides flipped up. And we scrambled inside.
G: That’s good ol’ smart meee. An’ then you figured out how to shut the door once we got in.
N: Yep. By chance, I hit a blinking green light on the dash. The doors slammed SFX: [Bang], and the engine roared to life. SFX: [Sports Car Engine Rev] [Sports Car Engine Idling] And I remember you saying, when one door opens, another one slams shut.
G: Yupperooney, me an’ my great wisdom! An’ next, we hadda figure out how to stinkin’ drive the thing! I remember thinkin’ that the vehickookle couldn’t be that sophistiphoosticated. It was proboobably built for lazy people. I said to myself, “Ya gotta think like a Eccchsian!”
N: Then we heard sirens blaring! SFX: [Police Sirens] We thought they found out that we had escaped! We began smacking icons, any and all, lit on the dashboard. Windows opened and closed. Windshield wipers flapped, and this silly horn started beeping nonstop. SFX: [Clown Horn] With the push of an orange arrow that pointed upward, the car grew as tall as a two-story building, one that hopped around like a pogo stick. SFX: [Boing] What a freakin’ crazy planet, Flea!
F: Yeah, Nicki, I’ll say! Wowzickles!
G: Yupperooney, Fleaglossitty! We felt seasick. Then, the Ig suggesticated that I press this blue ‘down’ arrow on the dash. An’ I did! The whole car went back to regoogular size an’ stopped springing up an’ down like a kangoogaroo that drank too much Merk Perk.
N: We knew we had to be more careful—we’d have hated if the car shrank back to pocket size with us stuck inside! Meanwhile, the sirens were getting louder. SFX: [Police Sirens] We finally realized that this long rod near the center console made the car go. So, I pulled the wiry stick back, and the whole vehicle turned on its base three times, then began to roll forward. I tugged on a second, smaller lever, and we lifted up slightly.
G: Yeah, we were cookin’ wit’ gaaas! [Sports Car Engine]
N: And then, Diroctor Gneeecey, I remember your index finger poised over what appeared to be a yellow-lit toilet-shaped symbol. You asked what it was, and I shouted, “Don’t touch it!”
G: An’ I yelled, “Holy Saint Bogelthorpe! My seat jus’ turnt into a terlit! Right under my stinkin’ bimbus! A real terlit, wit’ real water down there! SFX: [Splash Water 1] Evoovidently, these vehickookles were meant for long-distance trips.” Very cornvenient!
N: And the heavier my grasp on the main rod, the faster we traveled. [Sports Car Engine] But I wondered where the freakin’ brakes were. I didn’t buy Ebegneeezer’s claims that these cars were collision-proof.
G: Me neitherwise, Ig.
N: And you kept playing around with the control for the commode, making your seat open and close beneath you every two seconds.
G: Then I decided to jus’ put it back on regoogular. Wasn’t very comfoofortabooble, gettin’ my lousy bimbus splashed every two seconds. SFX: [Splash Water 1]
N: Meanwhile, I was kinda distracted—trying to figure out how to stop the car. There had to be a way! And then, suddenly, a fleet of cop cars zoomed up behind us, sirens wailing, purple and green lights flashing. SFX: [Police Sirens] I couldn’t stop even if I wanted to! Then, one by one, each police cruiser overtook us, and the guys waved and grinned at us as they did.
G: Evoovidently, they thought we were Ebegneeezer an’ NickNick! Out on official business!
N: We were finally able to exhale when the last of the lights flickered into the horizon. We sped along until we reached the Palabrian Sea. Its humongous wall of waves crashed in front of us for as far as the eye could see. “What do I do now?” I shouted. Couldn’t stop the car, but we sure didn’t wanna turn around, either. SFX: [Sports Car Engine]
G: The car made its mind up for us. SFX: [Cartoon Slip] [Splash Water] [Splash Water 1] [Car Engine]
N: Yep, We shot into the ocean. I remember the wheels retracting with a great bang. [SFX]: [Bang] Careful what you say, I whispered, warning Diroctor Gneeecey as a gigantic silver mylar balloon bumped up against us.
F: An’ why’s that, Nicki?
N: Well, Flea, that’s because whatever we said would be painted on these gigantic mylar balloons that would then bump up against us. The louder you spoke, the stronger they bumped into you.
F: Oh, I get it! Remember I told ya we hadda learn several languages in the superhero academy—y’know, ’cause trouble speaks in many tongues? In your Earth’s Spanish language, “palabra” means “word”!
N: Yep, Flea. So, “Careful what you say” was painted across that balloon’s side in black script. Before Diroctor Gneeecey could open his mouth all the way, I reached over and managed to cover it with my left hand. But he broke free and yelled that he thought he finally figured out how to stop our vehicle….while we were in the water….
G: That’s meee, incredibooble genius that I am!
N: And I remember growling, “No! Not now!” He ignored me and smacked this solid red octagon on the control panel…and the engine died. SFX: [Underwater Bubbles] Dozens of these scarlet inflatables decorated with the white-lettered word “No” smashed up against us.
G: Heh, heh, heh, heh….
N: So, I squeezed the acceleration rod and pulled it in all directions…to no avail. Our lifeless vehicle rolled sideways. “We’re trapped,” I remember muttering. “We’ll run out of oxygen!” SFX: [Cinematic Boom A] [Fail Horn] And Diroctor Gneeecey’s trembling index finger hovered over the icon that had initially started the car. Eyeballs bulging, he pressed it. And smacked it. And elbowed it. Even spat on it. Each time, the engine only churned halfheartedly. SFX: [Car Engine] We continued to drift sideways.
G: Yeah…that stinkin’ stank!
F: I’ll say, Zig!
N: I remember, we just stared openmouthed as this iridescent whale appeared in front of our windshield. Its body glowed red and blue simultaneously—a color more difficult to describe than purple. And its one bowling ball of a revolving eye stared back as it swam out of view.
G: Those lousy audimatical cars are no good. Too many stinkin’ things can go wrong wit’ ’em. An’ they do.
N: Then, suddenly, we lurched forward. The great whump we felt informed us that we had hit bottom. A whirlwind of sand spiraled upward, encircling our doomed vehicle. Then, I remember Diroctor Gneeecey asking me if I’d ever tasted tap water soup. Said it was pretty tasty. I replied something like, “We’re gonna be tasting some real salty soup, more than we can even handle if that freakin’ crack I saw in the windshield can’t take all the pressure down here at the bottom of—” SFX: [Barbecue Sizzle] A weird sizzling noise cut me off. All of the interior lights and icons went dark. All we could hear were these bubbling underwater-like sounds.
G: An’ I said, well, now we ain’t gotta worry ’bout tap water soup or nuthin’ else.
N: And I had no reply. Just sat fidgeting with my hair, wondering how much time we had left before our oxygen would run out.
G: An’ I musta read your mind. I asked ya how much time ya thought we had, y’know, before we couldn’t respoopirate no more.
N: And I recall answering, “I really don’t know. You’re the scientist.”
G: An’ I thought how I’d proboobably never, nebberd-kinnezzard, extra-never, see my Perswayssick County again, or my belovooved Planet Eccchs.
N: Yeah. And you sniffled and blew your loud honking schnozz in the crook of your arm. I remember praying that we wouldn’t be slammed into by some gigantic underwater blimpy balloon with the word “Honk!” painted on it.
G: An’ I thought how I’d never ever see my mom or dad again, poor Fritzl an’ Froop, they’d sure miss me. An’ my Uncle Zoology. An’ my Aunt ReeUmpa, y’know, the one I tol’ ya ’bout who knits them priddy plaid couches?
N: And I reminded you that I had family too, and I’d probably never, ever see them again.…
G: An’ I’d miss my F-Day that I had planned so good. Me an’ my fifteen million stranded snitizens would never get to flush ourselves back to our home planet!
N: Y’know, we were probably too deep down to even be bumped by balloons. I shuddered as I watched this inky squid-like creature glide through the cloud of sediment that still swirled around us as a foot-high glittering gold starfish attached itself to our window. And, Diroctor Gneeecey, you said to me, “Ya lousy Ig, every stinkin’ time I have anythin’ to do wit’cha, it always ends up bein’ some kinda disastrophy.”
F: Zig, ya didn’t!
G: Heh, heh, heh….
N: I’d started to argue, but then I thought better. Wasn’t worth it to waste whatever stale air might be left.
G: An’ I said, it don’t matter anyways, Ig. Meee an’ you were there together in this predikookamental predikookament.
N: It was becoming harder to breathe, and it was getting hotter. Sweltering, I cursed NickNick’s plastic bag of a polyester outfit I’d been forced to wear. I whispered, “Diroctor, maybe we shouldn’t talk too much. We’ll use up our oxygen faster.”
G: Yeah, Ig…I rememboober.
N: So, we just sat and watched murky shadows of unearthly sea life float past. That stubborn sparkly starfish was still attached to our windshield. Its shiny body seemed to be entirely made up of tiny staring golden eyeballs.
G: Really creepy aminals down there!
N: You mean, animals.
G: Stop always corrugatin’ me.
N: And down there, you’d asked me, “Heya, Ig, y’know what?” My head was aching, and I replied, “No. What?”
G: An’ I answered that I kinda wished our vehickookle had stalled out wit’ that, y’know, terlit under my seat open.
N: [sighs] Yeah…I do remember that….
G: We been through lots together, ain’t we, Ig?
N: Yep, Diroctor Gneeecey, we sure have….
G: An’ then, Fleaglossitty, down there underwater, we hadda—
SFX: [Cartoon Snoring]
N: Flea’s asleep!
G: Fleaglossitty! Fleaglossitty! Don’cha wanna hear what hapoopens next?
N: Don’t wake him, Diroctor…let him sleep. It’s been a rough bunch of days for all of us.
G: I had no idea my voice was so stinkin’ soothin’!
N: He must’ve been tired. This episode was kinda noisy!
G: We’ll tell youse all the resta the story in our next epoopisode! I think it’s gonna be called, “What Would The Answer Beagle Do?”
SFX: [Cartoon Snoring] [Toy Piano Rock-a-bye] [Magic Spell]
Nicki Rodriguez here again! We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode of “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy!” And we thank you for listening. Please help us spread the word—please tell a friend about us! We appreciate every single download! And again, thank you, Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, and Toni Aponte, for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com! Time now to turn it back over to my alter ego, Vicki. Until next time, be well and stay safe!
SFX: [Magic Spell]
Vicki here again. Thanks so much for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to subscribe and tell a friend! And keep on laughing!
Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###