“Demon Clown of the Bathroom: Pop Went the Weasel, Part 4,” Episode 35
After suffering through a creepy adventure-filled sleepless night, a bleary-eyed Sooperflea heads for class. And Nicki prepares to leave for a secret job interview at Gneeecey’s GAS Broadcast Network rival, 98.6 Normal Radio.
As usual, the best-laid plans of humans and canine-humanoids go awry. Before Nicki and Gneeecey can step foot outside, the nine-foot-tall, three-armed, three-legged evil clown Three and his much shorter but more nefarious sidekick Sulak come a-calling.
When Nicki finally drops Gneeecey off at his office on Edgar Vompt Boulevard and rushes off to Normal Radio, she has no clue that danger is about to find her.
We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sandi Solá, Sal Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, and Toni Aponte for being generous supporting members via BuyMeACoffee.com! We appreciate their sponsorship and support more than words can say!
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https://www.nfreads.com/interview-with-author-vicki-sola/ (Interview with Vicki Solá)
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Transcript / “Demon Clown of the Bathroom: Pop Went the Weasel, Part 4,” episode 35, written by Vicki Solá.
All content © 2022 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.
Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey!
And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki….
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Halloween Music Box Cinematic Logo] [Cell Phone Ring]
NICKI RODRIGUEZ: Hello, Doctor Idnas?
DOCTOR ALEXANDRA C. IDNAS: Hallo, Nicki, how is our Zig Gneeecey dis morning? How did last night go? I know dat you have a big job interview dis morning, and Sooperflea has a vary important class to attend as vell.
N: Thanks so much for checking up on us. Gneeecey seems okay, but it was a crazy night. None of us got any sleep. And we got bruised up a bit along the way.
DI: Oh dear, Nicki—vhat happened?
N: I’ll tell you quickly, while Gneeecey’s, uh, out of the room—
SFX: [Halloween Spooky & Fun Logo] [Flushing Toilet] [Sneakers Squeaking]
DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY: I’m baaaack! Heya Ig, gimme your smellphone!
N: Name’s Nicki, not Ig. And why don’t you just go ahead and snatch my phone right out of my hands, uh, Diroctor Gneeecey?
G: Oh, thaaanks, Ig! Jus’ did! Heya, bad mornin’, Doctor Idnas. I’ll tell ya what hapoopened last night. More accoocurately than the Ig ever could.
SFX: [Splash] [Dish Ceramic]
N: Ow! Thanks for dropping that hot cup of bad-smelling whatever on my already bruised foot.
G: You’re smellcome, Ig. An’ don’t worry, I’ll be hapoopy to make ya another cup of fermented goozey-grapefruit tea wit’ garlic an’ aged jackass milk when I get off your phone here wit’ Doctor Idnas.
N: Uh, please…don’t bother—
G: Now, stop interrupticatin’ me, Ig! Ya still there, Doctor Idnas?
DI: Yah, Diroctor Gneeecey. Please do tell me vhat happened last night.
G: Well, the dopey Ig an’ stooopid Fleaglossitty, they—
DI: Let’s remember to try and be respectful to your friends. Dat vould be Nicki and your friend Sooperflea—or Fleaglossitty, or simply Flea—
G: Yeah, the dopey Ig an’ stooopid Fleaglossitty. First, they criticalized me for puttin’ my beaudiful footie pajamas—y’know, the green ones dotted wit’ dimes that Stummix Bank gave me for bein’ such a good customer—on over all my clothes an’ my red high-top sneakers so I could get to bed faster an’ besides, who knows, I might have hadda run somewheres in my sleep. Then they got mad when I wanted to call my pet dog Spot up in Seemingwhale Towers, an’ then I wanted peanuts ’cause I was hungry an’ so, Fleaglossitty went downstairs an’ got some an’thanked me for not thankin’ him for fallin’ down the stairs and practically breakin’ his bimbus rushin’ to get me the peanuts. An’ it turns out that it’s Fleaglossitty’s fault that I have chronic constipation ’cause he’s been attractin’ that lousy Poe Crow here, always feedin’ him peanuts!
DI: Poe Crow? Vhat ees dat? Eet sounds like a reference to Edgar Allen Poe—you know, dee famous nineteenth-century Earth writer and poet?
G: Don’t care much ’bout Earth writin’ or poetry or them ol’ Earth centuries, but every day, this gigaaantical crow sits on my bathroom windowsill an’ screams, “Nevermore! Nevermore!” An’ sure enough, he’s right! I can’t never go! I’m sittin’ there on my very igspensive Electronic Water Cyclone 3000—y’know, three thousand cyclones per flush—for hours! An’ it’s all Fleaglossitty’s stinkin’ fault—
SOOPERFLEA, AKA FLEA, AKA FLEAGLOSSITTY FLOPPINSPLODGE: Bad mornin’, everyone. TMI, Zig.
G: Stinkin’ whaaat, Fleaglossitty?
F: TMI. Too much information.
G: But information is what Doctor Idnas here stinkin’ asked for! Now, stop interrupticatin’ my phone conservation.
F: Ya mean, conversation.
G: There ya go, ya dope. Stinkin’ doin’ it again. No, not yooou, Doctor Idnas. Please ’scuze Fleaglossitty’s rudeness. SFX: [Belch] So, anyways, last night the Ig an’ Flea got mad again ’cause I hadda call Spot ’cause I had forgot ’causa the lousy peanuts which I didn’t eat ’cause the Ig an’ dopey Fleaglossitty took away my apoopetite ’causa them gettin’ on my nerves every five seconds when I kept wakin’ ’em up when they were trynna sleep an’ then there were all these chickens in my bed an’ Fleglossitty sprayed ’em wit’ this anti-poultry spray that got rid of ’em all…. Nope, it wasn’t no halloocinoocination. I even got a feather here to prove it…. Nope, it ain’t from my pillow. I was not stinkin’ hallucinizatin’—them chickens were real! An’ then they—the Ig an’ Fleaglossitty, not the chickens—got more mad ’cause them airplane bugs we got all over Perwayssick County here, y’know, that mutated into lookin’ like high-flyin’ airplanes to fool us so they can bite us? I made a little noise throwin’ coffee cups an’ big dishes up at the ceilin’ so I could kill ’em. The airplane bugs, not the Ig an’ Fleaglossitty. Them two ingratitudinous Iggleheimers never even thanked me for savin’ ’em from gettin’ all bit up in their sleep!
F: What sleep?
G: Shaaaddup! No, not yooou, Doctor Idnas, that dopey Fleaglossitty. Oh, an’ I sneezed dimes all over the place again, but Fleaglossitty told me to wait till mornin’ to pick ’em all up. An’ then they said I was sleepwalkin’, but I can’t prove it ’cause I was too busy sleepin’—
F: Sleepin’ was more than what we were doin’—
G: Shaaaddup, Fleaglossitty! Ah, hah, haah, fiduciary! SFX: [Clinking Coins] [Cartoon Slip] [Boing] [Duck Horn] Ow! Fell on my bimbus again!
DI: Bless you, Diroctor Gneeecey—I see you are still sneezing dimes!
G: Yeah, Doctor Idnas. An’ sneezin’ sometimes makes me fall on my bimbus. Gettin’ back to last night, I finally woke up when me an’ Fleaglossitty fell down the stairs and hurt our bimbusses, an’ so did the Ig. She thought she broke her leg, and then some papers in my bed were makin’ me uncomfortable, so I read ’em out loud, an’ then that evil nine-foot-tall, three-legged, three-armed clown named Three—he was walkin’ ’round in my backyard all night, he threw his purpoople size twenny-seven shoe through my window an’ busted it, an’ he yelled, “Can’t a clown get any sleep around here?” But we didn’t call the cops like you said ’cause the Ig stared at him all funny an’ he dematerialized an’ then we hadda get up even though we didn’t get no sleep ’cause it was awready mornin’ an’ we didn’t have no more time to sleep, an’ here we are. Oh, ya wanna talk to the Ig again?
SFX: [Fail Horn] [Halloween Music Box Cinematic Logo] [Door Bell] [Door Pound]
N: Who could be at the door? Doctor Gneeecey, why can’t I see through the peephole?
G: That’s stinkin’ Diroctor Gneeecey—how many times do I gotta remindicate ya, I’m a lousy doctor an’ dopey director of this here whole stinkin’ dimension of Perswayssick County—
N: Okay, stinkin’ Diroctor, uh, Diroctor Gneeecey. Why can’t I see through this peephole?
G: Oh, thaaat. Genius that I am, I filled it in last night wit’ this special heavy-duty glue so no one can’t see in. Glue’s indestructible! Quarantined to last for five zillion AngRangs. That’s like your stooopid Earth centuries that I don’t care about.
N: Fine, but now we can’t see out—we can’t see who’s at the door.
G: Oh. Never thunk of that. But, I ain’t worried. SFX: [Cartoon Chattering Teeth]
N: Not much, but I hear your knees knocking. SFX: Cartoon Chattering Teeth] [Door Bell] [Door Pound]
G: M-m-my c-c-canine-humanoid knees are knock—knock—knockin’ ’cause I didn’t get no sleep!
SFX: [Scary Background II] [Metal Door Opening] [Evil Clown Laugh 6] [Monster Laugh Reverb]
G: …Saint Bogelthorpe!
N: This…this…door…opened by itself…and all I see are three giant hairy kneecaps!
G: Topped by a charred pair of green underpaaants dotted wit’ dimes…from Stummix Bank!
SFX: [Human Whistle] [Evil Clown Laugh 6]
G: An’ I reckookognize that stooopid whistlin’ an’ rotten laugh—the laugh that don’t match his dopey voice! It’s that evil clown Three! Last night, ya stared at him real hard an’ made him dematerialize, but ya musta done a real crummy job—he’s stinkin’ baaack!
N: And he’s brought a friend! A funny-looking little guy with a big purple nose, matching skin, and clumps of orange hair that stick out on both sides of his otherwise bald head. SFX: [Monster Laugh Reverb]
SFX: [Cartoon Chattering Teeth]
G: He is funny-lookin’, but he ain’t little—he’s my size!
N: [whispers] Diroctor Gneeecey, you’re elbow-high to me. And so is he!
SFX: [Metal Crash] [Monster Laugh Reverb] [Cartoon Chattering Teeth]
G: Heya, Mister, we didn’t mean to make ya maaad. Jus’ statin’ facts! An’, ya didn’t hafta kick over my trash can! SFX: [Cartoon Chattering Teeth]
SFX: [Monster Laugh Reverb]
SULAK: I am Sooooooolak, Demon Clown of Toilets! Shatterer of porcelain! Destroyer of lives!
G: [Cartoon Chattering Teeth] Is that why ya got all them little terlits printed all over that orange clown suit of yours?
SFX: [Metal Crash] [Monster Laugh Reverb]
S: Pretty smart for a knee-knockin’ dummy!
G: Hey! I resembooble that remark! My canine-humanoid knees may be knockin’, but Froop an’ Fritzl Gneeecey didn’t raise no dummy! An’ ya kicked over my other trash can!
S: Stop interruptin’ me! I’m trynna tell ya who I am! I’m also Three’s best friend! SFX: [Monster Laugh Reverb] Now, give him back his purple size twenny-seven clown shoe!
G: [Cartoon Chattering Teeth] Ya mean, the one he stinkin’ threw through my lousy window earlier this mornin’?
THREE: Yeah, that would be it. Gimme back my shoe. Or I promise I’ll make further trouble.
G: [Cartoon Chattering Teeth] Ya got three stinkin legs. So, thereforthically, ya got three feet. Stinkin’ ones, too. I can smell ’em all the way from here!
T: No need to get personal! Ain’t no shower stalls tall enough for me. SFX: [Evil Clown Laugh 6]
S: Now, give him back his shoe! SFX: [Monster Laugh Reverb] Or I can cause trouble in your bathroom! Real trouble.
G: Awready got plenny of that—got enough wit’ that Nevermore Poe Crow always out there on my bathroom windowsill. Fleaglossitty’s fault for always feedin’ these crows them peanuts. SFX: [Crows] Now, which stinkin’ purpoople shoe do ya mean? His left, right, or middle shoe?
T: Ain’cha got eyes? Look down. Which shoe is missin’?
N: It keeps changing! SFX: [Magic Summon x 3] One second, that third shoe is on his left foot, then on his right foot, then on his middle foot—always leaving one foot shoeless! SFX: [Evil Clown Laugh 6] [Monster Laugh Reverb] Diroctor Gneeecey, please, go upstairs to your room, right now, and bring down that shoe—and give it back to them!
G: Yeah. Mayboobe then, they’ll stinkin’ go away!
SFX: [Fail Horn] [Halloween Music Box Cinematic Logo] [Sneakers Squeaking]
N: Well, Diroctor Gneeecey, that was fast! And your furry four-fingered hands are empty!
G: Ig, I caaaan’t find that lousy, stooopid purpoople size twenny-seven clown shoe nowhere! My room’s too messy!
N: Oh, you just discovered that?
SFX: [Monster Laugh Reverb] [Evil Clown Laugh 6] [Magic Summon x 3]
N: Look! Now, Three’s wearing all three shoes!
G: [Cartoon Chattering Teeth] Holy Saint Bogelthorpe!
SFX: [Monster Laugh Reverb] [Evil Clown Laugh 6]
S: Did it ever occur to you that I, the Demon Clown of Bathrooms, of Babylonian Earth legend—
G: [Cartoon Chattering Teeth] Baboobalonian Earth legend?!
T: Yeah, what he said—quiet!
S: As I was sayin’ before ya rudely interrupted me, I, Demon Clown of Bathrooms, have special powers to create havoc! I went inside an’ got the shoe when ya weren’t lookin’! SFX: [Monster Laugh Reverb]
N: You got all your shoes. Now, please go.
S: Not yet, human Earth girl, not yet! SFX: [Monster Laugh Reverb]
N: What do you want from us? Why are you here?
S: I’ll give ya a clue. What’s another word for “stalk,” as in S-T-A-L-K?
G: Harrassin’ me, like youse are doin! Trynna blackmail me wit’ them electronic audio capsules wit’ that recordin’ of me an’ what I did back on Planet HyenaZitania! I busted all them capsules!
S: Shut up, ya miserable canine-humanoid! Didn’t ask yoooou! This clue is for the Earth girl! I like games! Think on it! Another word for “stalk”! You’ll be even more scared when ya figure it out! An’ I’ll give ya one more hint! It’s a noun, not a verb! SFX: [Monster Laugh Reverb]
G: Get ’em, Ig—y’know, stare at ’em like ya do an’ make ’em dematerialize. Only this time, do it propooperly, all the way, so they can never ever stinkin’ come back!
N: Okay, Diroctor Gneeecey, lemme try….
S: Why ya lookin’ at us like that, ya human Earth girl? Stop starin’! Ain’t polite! Your human eyes are burnin’ holes through me! Stop lookin’ at me!
T: What he said! Why ya lookin’ at me like that, ya human Earth girl? Like I got four arms an’ four legs? Only got three each—that’s why my name’s Three! Now, stop starin’! Feels like your eyes are burnin’ me up! Ya awready owe me a new pair of boxer shorts from earlier this mornin’ when ya burnt these up wit’ those eyes of yours!
SFX: [Hollow Spooky Fear] [Jet Engine Startup] [Supersonic Aerodynamic Whoosh] [Magic Glitter] [Bang] [Dish Ceramic]
N: Ow, Diroctor Gneeecey! You just dropped a heavy dish on my foot!
G: Sorry, Ig. I’ll get’cha another piece of Sloggenberry pie wit’ turkey-flavor ice cream on top after these clowns leave! If they ever do—looks like ya did another lousy job of trynna make ’em disappear.
T: Oh, we’re going!
S: But, don’t worry—we’ll be back!
SFX: [Monster Laugh Reverb] [Evil Clown Laugh 6] [Trumpet Music] [Carnival Creepy Music Box]
SFX: [Halloween Music Box Cinematic Logo] [Car Engine] [Horns]
N: Okay, Diroctor Gneeecey. We’re almost there.
G: Ya know what, Ig?
N: Uh, that would be Nicki….
G: Okay, Ig. While we been drivin’, I been gettin’ a little carsick, readin’. Y’know, ’bout your planet’s ancient legendary Baboobalonian Sulak. Says he’s the lurker of the bathroom, hidin’ in there, waitin’ to get’cha when ya least expect it! An’ he’s also known as the demon of the privy—y’know, the bathroom. I could be in for lots more trouble than I awready got!
N: I know, Diroctor Gneeecey. You, Flea, and I are gonna hafta put our heads together.
G: Oh, an’ looky. I found these here papers in my Earth Encyclopedia, like a bookmark. Let’s see what it says on these here papers. SFX: [Rustling Papers] Says, “We wanna thank our good friends Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, an’ Toni Aponte for bein’ generous supportin’ members of ‘Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy,’ through BuyMeACoffee dot com.”
N: Reminds me, I need coffee. Alright, Diroctor, I’m dropping you off at your GAS Broadcast Network office here on Vompt Boulevard, and I’ll pick you up later this afternoon. Around five.
G: Where ya goin’, Ig? Ain’cha comin’ in wit’ me?
N: Remember, you yourself authorized me to take a personal day today?
G: That was before all of this. Now, I might not be safe wit’out ya.
N: You’re the big, all-powerful Grate Gizzygalumppagis of Perswayssick County, boss of us all. You’ll be safe at work here.
G: Ya better be right, ya Ig. If anythin’ hapoopens to me, I won’t never forgive ya. Nebberd-kinnezzard. As ya proboobably awready know, that means “extra-never” on my Planet Eccchs! Anything hapoopens to me, I’ll stinkin’ dock your pay!
SFX: [Slot Clunk] [Cartoon 1] [Car Engine] [Horns]
N: Didn’t used to be in the habit of talking to myself…that is, until I became stranded here in this wacko dimension of Perswayssick County, living with and working for Gneeecey. If I don’t hit any traffic here on Edgar Vompt Boulevard, I’ll make it to my job interview at 98.6 Normal Radio early—ten-minute rule, just the way I like to operate…. Ah, here I am already, with time to spare!
[Cell Phone Ring]
N: Hello? Hey, Flea. Just got to the radio station and parked! SFX: [Slot Clunk] This new, rebuilt Normal Radio building looks beautiful—tall and sleek! I’m walking toward the entrance now.
F: Yeah, Nicki, they did a super-duper job rebuildin’ it after that, uh, suspicious fire.
N: Yeah, that was horrible! So glad no one got hurt and that they’re back in business again! You made it to your chiropractor class okay?
F: Yep. Helpful review. I’m sure I’ll ace the exam! Y’know, it’s a miracle that we’re both doin’ as good as we are this mornin’, considerin’ how things went last night.
N: Yeah. No sleep at all for any of us.
F: How’s Zig?
N: Oh, he’s sort of okay. I just dropped him off at his GAS Broadcast Network. He had forgotten he’d given me the day off….
F: Typical Zig Gneeecey! Y’know, Nicki, we’ll hafta figure out how we’re gonna handle things tonight. We can’t keep goin’ wit’ no sleep, but we still gotta make sure Zig’s okay.
N: Yep, and I hafta tell you ’bout the rest of our morning, really quickly—I’m just walking into Normal Radio now—lobby’s beautiful. Marble floors. Think I’ll take the escalator up instead of the elevator. Anyway, shortly after you left for class, that evil clown Three and this really nasty new clown pal of his—calls himself Sulak, the Demon Clown of Toilets or something—they both showed up at our front door, demanding that—oh…my…God….
F: Nicki! What’s wrong?
N: Thick black smoke’s pouring out all over here on the second floor! Can’t see my nose in front of me! SFX: [Coughing] [Fire Alarm] [Fire Engine Sirens] [Police Sirens] [Ambulance Sirens]
F: Nicki! Please, Nicki! Are ya there? SFX: [Fail Horn] To be continued!
[Carnival Creepy Music Box] [Magic Spell]
Your friendly neighborhood red-caped canine-humanoid good guy Sooperflea here! We hope ya enjoyed this week’s episode of “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy!” We thank ya for listenin’. An’ please help us spread the word—please tell a friend about us! We appreciate every single download! And again, thank you, Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, and Toni Aponte, for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com!
Time now to turn it back over to Nicki’s alter ego, Vicki. An’, gee—I’m really worried—I sure hope Nicki’s okay an’ will be back to tell ya all this stuff next week! I’m gonna go look for her now! Until next week, be well and stay safe!
SFX: [Magic Spell]
Music/Outro: Thanks, Nicki! Vicki here again. Thanks so much for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to subscribe and tell a friend! And keep on laughing!
Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###