“Pop Went the Weasel,” Part 1, Episode 32
A sinister nine-foot-tall clown simply named “Three” barges into Perswayssick County leader Gneeecey’s life, presenting physical proof of the zany canine-humanoid’s past misdeeds. In Part One of this cliffhanger, will a panicked Gneeecey flush the evidence down the toilet?
We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sandi Solá, Sal Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, and Toni Aponte for being generous supporting members via BuyMeACoffee.com! We appreciate their sponsorship and support more than words can say!
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Transcript / “Pop Went the Weasel,” Part 1, episode 32, written by Vicki Solá.
All content © 2022 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.
Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey!
And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki….
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Scary Background II] [Chattering Teeth]
NICKI RODRIGUEZ: What the—what’s that chattering noise? Can’t see anything in the dark here—my alarm clock hasn’t even gone off yet….
DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY: It’s only meee, Ig. SFX: [Halloween Spooky & Fun Logo]
N: What—what are you doing here in my windowless little utility closet of a guest room? I sure don’t have any privacy—this stupid, cracked door of mine doesn’t even lock!
G: That’s how I got in here, Ig. Your door don’t lock.
N: Will you stop calling me “Ig”? I’m not one of your Planet Eccchs’s mythical, clumsy, three-legged troglodytes—name’s Nicki. Nicki Rodriguez.
G: ’Kay, Ig. SFX: [Chattering Teeth] An’ that noise is my canine-humanoid knees knockin’.
N: [sighs] Okay, Doctor Gneeecey—
G: How many times do I gotta tell ya, that’s stinkin’ Diroctor Gneeecey—I’m a doctor plus director of this here lousy Perswayssick County.
N: Okay, stinkin’ Diroctor—uh, Diroctor Gneeecey. Now, tell me why your canine-humanoid knees are knocking.
G: No. I caaan’t.
N: Why not?
G: ’Cause that ain’t a askin’ question, it’s a regoogular sentence. So, I can’t answer it. Ya gotta make it a askin’ question. Then, an’ only then, can I stinkin’ answer it.
N: Okay, I’ll make it an asking question. Why are your canine-humanoid knees knocking?
SFX: [Carnival Creepy Music Box] [Chattering Teeth]
G: Outta fear, Ig—there’s a gigaaantical clown out there in the backyard! Haaalp!
N: C’mon—you’re pulling my leg—
G: No, Ig, I most certaintaneously ain’t! An’ he’s got three legs! An’ three arms! I’m afraid that he an’ that evil Mister Tree that lives out there in my backyard there are plannin’ to gang up on me! Tree don’t even pay rent! Looky, I seen this gigaaantical clown, out the kitchen window!
N: Did you take that extra dose of Bumpex that Doctor Idnas prescribed you?
G: Stinkin’ yeah—but it ain’t helpin’! Hear all them clowns? SFX: [Comical Scary Clown Laughter] [Carnival Creepy Music Box] [Chattering Teeth] Don’cha hear ’em, Ig?
N: No. I don’t. SFX: [Digital Alarm] But, ugh, I hear my alarm clock. Now, let me get up off this undersized, mutant, spring-popping mattress and take a look out there so I can prove to you that there’s nothing out there.
G: Noooo! An’ don’t open that stinkin’ side door by the kitchen—he’ll get in—an’ proboobably some of them other clowns will too—y’know, the ones awready after me! An’ they’ll join the ones awready inside the house, to get me! Ig—wait—come baaack!
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Halloween Music Box Cinematic Logo] [Human Whistling]
N: Diroctor Gneeecey, is that you whistling in the dark here?
G: Nope, Ig, it ain’t.
N: Wait…it’s not?
G: Nope. That ain’t what I said.
N: Then it is you.
G: Nope, I didn’t say it’s not, I said it ain’t. So, it ain’t not not me.
SFX: [Human Whistling]
N: Stop playing games with me.
G: Ain’t playin’ no games, Ig. I do got my red high-top sneakers on, as usual, but’cha see me holdin’ any sports equipment?
N: Can’t see anything in the dark here. I wish you weren’t too cheap to replace the light bulb up there.
G: Walkin’ down my scary, creepy hallway here, I stinkin’ wish I had one of your dopey Earthling baseball bats. Even a hockey stick would do…. Golf club’s all the way in the bathroom….
N: Okay, we’re in the kitchen now. Let me look out the window that you evidently forgot to shut last night, and I’ll prove there’s nothing out there…. SFX: [Human Whistle] [Spooky Hollow Fear] Oh. My. God.
G: See? See, Ig? I tol’ ya!
N: Diroctor Gneeecey, your dimension of Perswayssick County is bizarre…but this takes the cake!
G: Oh no! It better not take my slice of goosey cake wit’ them two scoops of chicken-flavored ice cream on it. Or my blue cheese cake drizzled wit’ aged cross-eyed cheese.
N: I am looking at a gigantic clown. Must be nine feet tall. And it has three arms.
G: An’ three legs. See? Stinkin’ tol’ ya!
G: An’ looky, he got gold threes all over that dorky red clown suit he’s wearin’! My favorite number! Threes are igstremely valuable!
N: Yeah… I remember you telling me all about that.
SFX: [Human Whistle]
G: Heya, ya clown out there! Who are ya? An’ whaddaya stinkin’ want’ wit’ meee? SFX: [Chattering Teeth]
THREE: SFX: [Evil Clown Laugh 6] I’ll tell ya when them canine-humanoid knees of yours stop knockin’! SFX: [Evil Clown Laugh 6]
N: Who are you, and what do you want with us?
G: Yeah—what she said!
T: SFX: [Evil Clown Laugh 6] I am the great Three. And I got somethin’ you’ll want, but ya can’t have it till I get what I want!
G: An’ whadda yooou want, Mister Three? If I stinkin’ wanted somethin’ from yooou, I’d awready know what it was!
T: SFX: [Evil Clown Laugh 6] You’ll figure it all out when I give it to ya! Then you’ll wish ya hadn’t! Here, catch! See ya later, aggravator!
G: You’re weird. Your laughing sounds different than your voice!
SFX: [Monster Laugh] [Explosion] [Supersonic Aerodynamic Whoosh]
G: Sorry—forget I said anything!
SFX: [Evil Clown Laugh 6] [Trumpet] [Fail Horn] [Magic Spell]
G: Ya want me to brew ya a cup of my Freak O’Nature Merk Perk coffee, Ig? SFX: [Dog Eating] [Belch] Heh, heh, ’scuze me.
N: Uh, no thanks. I, uh, prefer to drink my coffee, not eat it with a knife and fork.
G: Stinkin’ whatever, Ig. More for meee, then.
N: Now, this tiny blue thing that Three threw into your shaking hands—what is it? It looks like a shiny egg.
G: It’s a electronical audio capsule. Surprised at’cha, Ig, you work in radio, so I thought you’d know. Well, maybe not. Around here, we’re a little—well, y’know, a lot more advaaanced than youse Earthlings. An’, my four-fingered haaands were not shakin’. They were jus’ sleepy—exhaustipated—y’know, from wakin’ up too early an’ bein’ scared.
N: Yeah. Alright. Okay. So, how does this, uh, advanced electronic audio capsule work, then?
G: Ya only need one haaand. Ya press this little red button on top here, an’ then ya listen. SFX: [Electronic Button] [Cool Digital Alert]
T: Heya Diroctor Gneeecey! SFX: [Evil Clown Laugh 6] Got a real treat for ya! Remember this conversation you and that Earth girl Nicki had? Back on Planet HyenaZitania, when you two took that nice little prison vacation? SFX: [Evil Clown Laugh 6] Let me refresh your memory—take a listen! SFX: [Intarface 2] [Horror Scary Moment]
G: Ig, I’m nervoovous. Usually, I got a lousy answer for every stinkin’ question. Y’know?
N: Yes. I know.
G: Ig…in case we don’t, y’know, never see each other again after them two suns come up ’cause we caaan’t stinkin’ give ’em the right answers they’re lookin’ for, I wanna tell ya ’bout somethin’.
N: Yeah, sure.
G: Confoofidentially speakin’, of course.
N: Of course.
G: Never told no one ’bout this, not even Fleaglossity. Anyone finds this out, it could ruin my prekookarious pollutical standin’ back home. An’ my whole life…. Now, for some stinkin’ reason, I trust ya. An’ I need to get this offa my chest.
G: Ya rememboober I mighta mentioned to ya that I worked my way through medical school back on Planet Eccchs?
G: Well, I was a junior clerk. In our local Office of Threes. Y’know how valuable a three is, where I come from. An’ to think, they entrusticated meee wit’ ’em, even though I was so young.
N: Yes, Diroctor, you did mention that once or twice.
G: Well, I never told you or no one else what hapoopened…. There were all kinds of threes. Blue threes, green threes, plaaastic threes, wooden threes, metal threes, an’ paper an’ cardboard threes. Some were even three glonkometers long, that’s ’bout a quarter of a foot, in youse Earth people’s more, uh, primitive measurements.
N: What exactly was your job there?
G: I was supposed to sepooparate the threes by size, color, an’ material, an’ y’know, enter ’em into the inventory computer. Then lock ’em all up in this gigaaantical vault.
G: Well, Ig, this here’s the confoofidential part. Sometimes a paper or cardboard eight was turned in…an’ they were igstemely rare. Three times as valuable…. An’, instead of loggin’ ’em in…I would…well...I would….
N: You would what?
G: I would stinkin’ take these real big scissors an’ cut the lousy eights in half…when I thought no one was lookin’…an’ I’d pocket a three.
N: You get caught?
G: My supoopervisor, Mister Forkworthy, he knowed me a long time ’cause his wife, Missus Forkworthy was my first-grade teacher, she had yellow hair an’ I did good wit’ her ’cause she always seemed to call on me whenever the answer was three.
N: That certainly was lucky.
G: Yeah, Ig, it most certaincerely was. Anyways, to make a short story long, one day Mister Forkworthy says to me, “Son, I got eyes in the back of my head an’ they been watchin’ ya for weeks. I should really fire ya an’ inform the authorities, but I jus’ can’t bring myself to. I knowed ya for such a long time, since ya was knee-high to a glompershprout, an’ I always seen so many good qualities in ya. Real potential.”
N: So, he gave you another chance?
G: Yupperooney, Ig. He held out this gigaaantical wood box an’ tol’ me to empty all my pockets. An’ I did. Filled up that whole box, plus another. Blue threes, green threes, paper an’ cardboard threes, an’ even a purpoople three. Also, some plaaastic threes an’ even a three from this wooden eight I managed to split, wit’ great difooficulty, of course, y’know, hidin’ under my desk.
N: You kept your job?
G: Yeah, Ig. Through the rest of medical school. Mister Forkworthy warned me that fatefootful day, “Young man, I’ll see ya here again tomorrow afternoon, but don’t lemme never catch ya embezoozlin’ another three.” Can’t say I wasn’t tempted at times, ’specially when a beaudiful shiny gold or red eight would show up. But I kept my promise. Never cut another eight or pocketed another three.
N: Wow, lucky you had such an understanding and compassionate boss—one who really believed in you.
SFX: [Cool Digital Alert]
T: SFX: [Evil Clown Laugh 6] So, ya see, I got the goods on ya, Diroctor Gneeecey. I can ruin your whole life here in Perswayssick County and your reputation back on your Planet Eccchs…or you can gimme some of them valuable threes I know ya got stashed away in there! Bye, for now! SFX: [Evil Clown Laugh 6] [Cool Digital Alert] [Electronic Button] [Spooky Hollow Fear]
SFX: [Dish Ceramic] [Scary Background II]
G: Oh no, my lousy coffee spilled! All over the floor! Better clean it up before I slip an’ fall! Yaaa! SFX: [Cartoon Slip] [Accent Cartoon] [Boing] [Duck Horn]
G: Yeah, Ig, it hurts—won’t be able to sit for days!
N: No, it’s not that. Remember—when you and I were stranded on Planet HyenaZitania—and that horrible night we spent in that medieval prison cell? When we told each other some of our secrets because we thought we might never see each other again?
G: Yeah, Ig. We were afraid that when that dopey planet’s two suns came up that next mornin’ an’ we didn’t have the right answers for the bad guys, we’d be thrown down into the courtyard with all them scary, howlin’ zombies—
N: Or worse. And remember, I swore I saw a tiny red electronic light flash above us, but I didn’t see how that could’ve been possible in such a prehistoric-like dungeon?
G: Hate whenever I have to say this, Ig, but it turns out ya were right! We were stinkin’ bein’ recorded! Well, I’m gonna get rid of this lousy little electronical egg here! Uh-oh—allergies re kickin’ in again—ah, hah, hah, fiduciary! SFX: [Clinking Coins] [Halloween Music Box Cinematic Logo]
T: Bless you! SFX: [Evil Clown Laugh 6] An’ you’re gonna give me those dimes you’ve been sneezin’, too!
G: Oh, no—what’s this, a stinkin’ two-way radio, too?
T: And, sure, you can get rid of this device! I got copies! Instructions will follow! Have a real nice day! SFX: [Evil Clown Laugh 6] [Cool Digital Alert] [Intarface 2]
SFX: [Fail Horn] [Trumpet] [Magic Spell] [Halloween Music Box Cinematic Logo] [Scary Background II]
G: What am I gonna dooo? That lousy clown Three is greenmailin’ me!
N: Uh, blackmailing you.
G: Greenmailin’ me! That creep clown Three wants green! Threes are worth mon-ney! An’ I ain’t got no threes no more—I was stinkin’ good to my word! Never pocketed another three or split another eight in half after what Mister Forkworthy said!
N: Diroctor Gneeecey, I’m thinking that your evil lookalike from Planet HyenaZitania has something to do with this. You know, Ebegneeezer Gesundheit Eeeceygnay?
G: That would make perfoofect sense, Ig. He’s actually the one who threw us in prison back on HyenaZitania.
N: And he was staying here with us in your mansion until last week. Not because he wanted to, but because he unwittingly transferred himself to this dimension as we were running from him. And he really had nowhere else to go.
G: Yeah. He abused my hospoopitality an’ now he’s missin’. Said he finally found out how to get back to his dopey doubooble-sunned plaaanet, but I bet’cha he’s proboobably still here somewhere, hidin’ out in my Perswayssick County, takin’ advaaantage of the fact that he’s my ugly double. Only, I’m better lookin’. I really got no stinkin’ idea where he is—an’ it’s been drivin’ me nuts!
SFX: [Cuckoo Clock]
N: Yup, it makes perfect sense—he’s most likely behind this.
SFX: [Glass Shatter] [Scary Background II]
N: Came from the Grate Room!
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking]
G: Looky! My stinkin’ picture window is busted again. If I had a dime for each time this lousy window was busted—
N: You’ve got plenty of dimes—every time you sneeze, you spray the air with dimes.
G: Don’t get intelligent wit’ meee, Ig. At least this time, I’m prepared—got this here replacement window that snaps right in. SFX: [Slot Clunk] There. Clowns can’t get in through there. Oh, looky—it’s some papers wit’ a rock tied ’round ’em. A gigaaantical, rock-hard rock!
N: Look! There’s a note attached. Says, “Forgot to give you these papers that I took out of your locked mailbox. Your frenemy, Three.”
G: Why that stinkin’, diaboliboobical clown… SFX: [Rustling Papers] Let’s see what it says on them papers…. Says, “We wanna thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, and Toni Aponte for bein’ generous supportin’ members of ‘Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy,’ through BuyMeACoffee.com.” I hope none of them buys him a cuppa coffee!
N: I don’t think they would—they’re our friends.
G: Oh no, listen to them crows out there—they always mean baaad luck! Like when that lousy Poe Crow sits on my bathroom windowsill yellin’ “Nevermore! Nevermore!” It’s like a baaad prophoophacy that comes true—then I’m stinkin’ constipated for days!
N: Diroctor Gneeecey, where are you going?
G: Jus’ reminded myself of the baaathroom.
N: Oh, okay. I’ll wait for you here in the kitchen.
G: No, Ig, ain’t gonna use it. Come wit’ me, I’ll show ya what I’m gonna do. SFX: [Squeaking Sneakers]
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Halloween Music Box Cinematic Logo] [Splash] [Flushing Toilet x 3]
G: I stinkin’ flushed it three times, but the lousy thing still ain’t goin’ down!
N: I don’t think it’s going to.
SFX: [Cool Digital Alert] [Intarface 2]
T: It’s not going to! It’s unsinkable! Totally unflushable! You two, have a real nice day! SFX: [Evil Clown Laugh 6]
G: You see that, Ig? The lousy little egg jus’ jumped out of my terlit! I’m gonna smaaash it to bits! Lucky I keep this golf club here in the bathroom in case I wanna distractipate myself when I’m sittin’ here on my Electronic Water Cyclone 3000 for hours. Speakin’ of that, this here terlit was so igspensive—three-thousand cyclones per flush—ain’t nothin’ supposed to not flush! Everything that fits in this bowl is quarantined to flush! Even tables an’ chairs!
SFX: [Bang] [Metal Crash] [Wood Demolition]
N: Each time you hit it, it replicates!
G: Yeah, it repooplicates every time I smaaash it! SFX: [Cool Digital Alert] [Intarface 2] [Evil Clown Laugh 6]
T: To be continued! SFX: [Evil Clown Laugh 6]
SFX: [Spooky Hollow Fear] [Fail Horn] [Magic Spell] [Comical Scary Clown Laughter] [Carnival Creepy Music Box]
Nicki Rodriguez here again! We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode of “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy!” And we thank you for listening. Please help us spread the word—please tell a friend about us! We appreciate every single download! And again, thank you, Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, and Toni Aponte, for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com!
Time now to turn it back over to my alter ego, Vicki. Until next time, be well and stay safe!
SFX: [Magic Spell]
Music/Outro: Thanks, Nicki! Vicki here again. Thanks so much for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to subscribe and tell a friend! And keep on laughing!
Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###