“You’re Not the Boss of Me,” Episode 31
Perswayssick County’s dime-sneezing, clown-fearing, hot mess of a boss, zany canine-humanoid Gneeecey, finds himself livin’ on the edge, up in the air—quite literally. Below, chaos (of his own making—as usual—with a little help from his Gneeezle’s Restaurant delivery mouse Altitude) reigns supreme.
We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sandi Solá, Sal Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, and Toni Aponte for being generous supporting members via BuyMeACoffee.com! We appreciate their sponsorship and support more than words can say!
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https://www.amazon.com/Vicki-Sola/e/B07J29RVMQ (Amazon Author Page, check out our Gneeecey/Nicki e-books and paperbacks!)
https://www.nfreads.com/interview-with-author-vicki-sola/ (Interview with Vicki Solá)
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This Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy podcast is made possible in part by a generous grant from The Ardelle Institute, providing Executive Coaching for aspiring and established professionals who want to develop their careers, including upwardly-mobile executives, professionals who may be in between jobs, and college graduates transitioning to the workforce. The Ardelle Institute helps with resumes, cover letters, LinkedIn profiles, interview skills, and effective job search strategies. For more information, please call (201) 394-6939, that's (201) 394-6939, or visit them on the web at ardelle-institute.com, that's A-R-D-E-L-L-E dash institute dot com. Take it from me, Gneeecey!Support the show
Transcript / “You’re Not the Boss of Me,” episode 31, written by Vicki Solá.
All content © 2022 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.
Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey!
And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki….
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Halloween Spooky & Fun Logo] [Ceiling Fan]
MAINTENANCE MAN: Sorry, Doctor Idnas, it’s more than just the switch. The problem’s with the ceiling fan itself. It can’t be shut off—we’re gonna hafta replace the whole thing. But, uh, I can’t do anything while that, uh, Jack Russell canine-humanoid, is, uh, sittin’ on top of it—
GNEEECEY: Ya talkin’ ’bout meeeee? Do ya know who I aaam? I’m a dopey doctor an’ county director! I'm stinkin’ Diroctor Bizzig “Zig” Gneeecey, Grate Gizzygalumpaggis of this here whole lousy Perswayssick County—so, that means I’m your boss, too! Now, ya got that ladder there—so come get me down from this stooopid ceilin’ fan here! Now! I jumped up here ’cause they tried to give me this really scary, dangerousical, tiny toy plaaastic clown! Get me down!
Maintenance Man: Sorry, uh, mister. Against the rules. Ain’t allowed to let no one else on my ladder.
G: I said, I’m your boss! I’m the boss of everyone in this county!
MM: You’re not the boss of me!
DOCTOR ALEXANDRA C. IDNAS: Perhaps, Mike, maybe you could make an exception just dis vunce?
MM: Sorry, Doctor Idnas. If he falls or gets hurt, I’ll be fired. Y’know, insurance issues.
DI: I do understand. Risk management….
MM: Yep. And, thanks for these delicious veggie meatballs, Mrs. Scriblig.
INGABORE SCRIBLIG, AKA “GRANDMA”: You’re wery velcome. Tank you for coming so qvickly. And please, call me “Grandma.”
MM: Okay, Grandma. You and Doc Idnas, have a good night. Call me when, uh, he’s gone. Then I can come back and do the job. SFX: [Door Slam]
G: Youse huuumans caaan’t jus’ leave me up here—this lousy thing keeps going ’round an’ ’round! Feels like I been left up in the air here for a whole stinkin’ week!
DI: Diroctor Gneeecey, you had a chance to be rescued a little vhile ago, remember? Vhen dee fire department rushed here to get you down?
G: They weren’t from no fire department. They were really a buncha clowns! Out to get me!
IS: Vhen dey came here, dey vere still dressed up as clowns because dey had been entertaining children at a party! Dey did not have time to change—dey felt dey had to get here right avay!
G: So, Graaandma, ya believe them over meee? They were proboobably gonna stinkin’ kidnap me! An’ steal all my mon-ney!
IS: Nonsense, Diroctor Gneeecey! Now, Alexandra, vee have a real problem here.
DI: Yah, Ingabore, vee most certainly do.
IS: I left my veggie meatball shop to come here to help vit Diroctor Gneeecey. I have to get back to my store.
DI: Yah, and I have to do rounds at Florence Ferguson Memorial Hospital.
IS: And Gneeecey’s pal Sooperflea had to leave on an emergency call right before I got here.
G: Youse all ain’t leavin’ me here up in the air, are youse?
DI: Diroctor Gneeecey, please come down now. Dat vary tall vooden table ees still right dere below you, so you von’t have to jump dat far.
G: Nooo! I might get hurt or seriously killed, or worse, made fun of by them clowns! Can’cha hear ’em laughin’ at me? SFX: [Evil Clown Laughs] [Carnival Creepy Music Box]
DI: Diroctor Gneeecey, vee don’t hear anyting! Now, you really do need to come down now from dere and take your medication! You need to take your increased dosage of Bumpex.
G: You’re sayin’ this is all in my dopey noodle? I told youse before, this ain’t no hallucinoocination! I ain’t hallucinizatin’! An’ I ain’t comin’ down—if I do, them clowns’ll get me, for sure!
DI: You need to come down here right now!
IS: Yah, immediately!
G: No! Youse two aren’t the boss of me!
DI: Diroctor Gneeecey, you are only fighting vit yourself. You are saying dat you vant to come down, but den you are also saying dat you don’t vant to come down because you feel dat deranged, make-believe clowns vill attack you.
G: It’s a lose/lose situation, ain’t it? SFX: [Belch] ’Scuzipate me, heh, hah, heh, haah….
NICKI RODRIGUEZ: Doctor Idnas, Grandma, I have an idea. I’m willing to stay here with Gneeecey—
G: That’s stinkin’ Diroctor Gneeecey, ya dopey earthling—
N: As I was trying to say, I’d be willing to stay here with stinkin’ Diroctor—uh, Diroctor Gneeecey, so that you could both leave and do what you need to do.
DI: Are you sure, Nicki?
N: Yes, Doctor Idnas.
IS: Vhy, Nicki, dat vould be vonderful! Tank you!
DI: Yah, tank you so vary much! Vee vill leave dis tall vooden table underneath Diroctor Gneeecey and dee ceiling fan, in case he vill be changing his mind.
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Halloween Music Box] [Ceiling Fan]
G: This noise this stinkin’ ceilin’ fan makes is getting’ on my nerves. How long they been gone, Ig?
N: About an hour. And that would be Nicki Rodriguez, not Ig.
G: What would be Nicki Rodriguez, not Ig, ya Ig?
N: [sighs] I freakin’ give up….
G: Y’know, Ig, I’m so used to goin’ ’round an’ ’round on this here lousy ceilin’ fan that I don’t think I’ll ever be able to walk normal if I ain’t goin’ ’round an’ ’round.
N: Y’know, you really shouldn’t be walking around up there on those fan blades—it’s dangerous, you could fall and break your neck. That whole ceiling fan could even come down!
G: It’ll be even more dangerousical if my legs fall asleep! Then the clowns will take advantage of me ’cause I won’t be able to run away from them! SFX: [Comical Scary Clown Laughter] [Carnival Creepy Music Box] Ya stinkin’ hear ’em?
G: Then ya need to get your hearin’ checked. Now, I got me some extra Bumpex tablets here in my T-shirt pocket. Gonna take ’em. They’re kinda like little restraineratin’ orders for clowns an’ them walkin’ trees an’ furniture.
N: Remember, Diroctor, you’re not supposed to chew those Bumpex tablets. You’re supposed to swallow them whole with—
G: I got me a glass of water.
G: Right here. In my T-shirt pocket.
N: What? I know that big, lumpy pocket of yours is full of everything from your collapsible toilet plunger to that spare trombone slide you always carry in case you ever come across one missing that exact part, but really, how can you possibly—
G: I always carry a spare glass of water in my pocket. In case I get thirsty or gotta take a pill.
N: Hey—what’s the idea! You just freakin’ poured your glass of water on my head!
G: Sorry, Ig. Blame it on, y’know, gravoovity. Y’know, the science of stuff fallin’ down instead of up? Never ever spilled this glass of ice cold water the whole time it was in my pocket. It proboobably ain’t used to goin’ ’round an’ ’round.
SFX: [Shattering Glass] [Dish Ceramic]
N: Hey, are you nuts? You just threw your glass at me!
G: Ain’t nuts. Jus’ don’t need it no more—ain’t puttin’ a empty glass back in my pocket!
SFX: [Flushing Toilet]
G: Ig! What was thaaat?
N: Calm down. That’s just someone flushing a toilet in the next office.
G: No! It ain’t! It’s them clowns—in our bathroom right here! Clowns gotta use the toilet too, y’know. An’ I can stinkin’ smell them clowns, too! They got this special smell, kind of like three-day ol’ goonafish salad sprinkled wit’ cross-eyed cheese. An’ y’know, I’m allergical to them lousy red-nosed, diaboliboobical creeps, too—plus, wit’ all this dust up here on these fan blades, I’m—oh, stinkin’ no! Ah, hah, hah, fiduciary! SFX: [Clinking Coins] [Bang] [Boing] [Duck Horn] Ig! Ig! Ig!
N: What? What? What?
G: Ow! Jus’ fell on my bimbus!
N: So, what else is new? You do that all the time. And you’re still sneezing dimes—you just pelted my skull with about five dollars’ worth of ’em.
G: Ya counted ’em, ya Iggarooney? Remember, they’re mine! All stinkin’ mine! Could ya do me a favor an’ pick ’em all up so them lousy clowns can’t take ’em?
N: Whatever…. SFX: [Clinking Coins]
G: Hey, looky! I jus’ found some papers in my pocket—stuck wit’ chewin’ gum to a ol’ goonafish sandwich! SFX: [Rustling Papers] Let’s see what it says on ’em…. Says, “We wanna thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, and Toni Aponte for bein’ generous supportin’ members of ‘Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy,’ through BuyMeACoffee.com.” Hmmm. Maybe summa them can help me! Marysol! Sal! Saaandi! Marcellina! Rick ‘El Molestoso,’ Diane! Brunie! Toni! Haaalp! Haaaalp! Get me down! Haaaalp! An’ buy me some coffee while you’re at it! Freak O’Nature Merk Perk, the only coffee ya eat wit’ a knife an’ fork! Now, haaalp! SFX: [Cuckoo Clock] [Bang]
N: Diroctor Gneeecey! What are you doing! I told you before, stop jumping up there on those ceiling fan blades!
G: You’re not the boss of me! I’m the boss of yooou! Now, haaalp! Someone pleeease haaalp! Get me down! SFX: [Bang]
N: I’m calling the fire department again. Hope they’ll be wearing their regular uniforms this time.
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Halloween Music Box] [Fire, Police, & Ambulance Sirens] [Pounding on Door] [Doorbell Ring] [Door Open] [Ceiling Fan]
FIREFIGHTER 1:Where’s the problem?
N: Up there. He’s, uh, right on top of that ceiling fan.
G: Haaalp! Haaalp! Someone stinkin’ get me down!
FIREFIGHTER 2: Oh, yeah, I remember him—we were here earlier today, just a little while ago.
FIREFIGHTER 1: Okay, buddy—hang on! We’ll be back—just gotta go out and get a ladder.
G: Oh, no! I remember youse guys! Youse were here before—to get me! I ain’t going nowheres wit’ youse! Youse can’t make me—youse aren’t the boss of me! You’re really clowns! You’re jus’ dressed up as firemen, to fool me! Ain’t goin’ wit’ youse! Haaalp! Someone stinkin’ haaalp!
SFX: [Fail Horn] [Magic Spell] [Halloween Music Box] [Ceiling Fan]
N: Diroctor Gneeecey, I am so embarrassed—you have no idea!
G: Aaah, stinkin’ forget it, ya Ig.
N: And for the zillionth time, my name’s Nicki, not Ig. I’m not one of your Planet Eccchs’s legendary, clumsy, three-legged Iggleheimer troglodytes.
G: Okay, Ig. Hey, could ya throw up my phone to me? I’m sorry it fell on your head along wit’ my glass.
N: Yeah, right. Here—catch.
G: Thanks, ya Iggarooney. Hope my phone didn’t get wet—it’s a new 12G model. Real expensive. Gets calls from other planets!
N: You gonna call someone? I know it’s not the fire department….
G: Don’t get intelligent wit’ me, Ig. I’m callin’ Altitude. I’m hungry. Maybe that dopey delivery mouse of mine can bring me some lousy food from my beaudiful Gneeezle’s Restaurant. SFX: [Cell Phone Dial] [Phone Ring] Heya Altitude, what took ya so stinkin’ long to pick up? I’m puttin’ ya on speakerphone so I can use both hands to find a menu here in my T-shirt pocket.
ALTITUDE: Whazzup, Boss?
G: To make a short story long, I’m here livin’ on the edge—quite litooterally, stuck up on toppa the ceilin’ fan in Doctor Idnas’s office here on Murgatroyd Avenue ’cause she an’ Graaandma tried to scare me wit’ this little toy clown—somethin’ ’bout desensitizatin’ me—but, them lousy clowns are still after me an’ so, I was scared an’ jumped up onto the ceilin’ fan when they tried to give me the toy clown an’ then some firemen that were really clowns came, but I wouldn’t go wit’ ’em ’cause they were tryin’ to fool me an’ now they jus’ came again ’cause the Ig called ’em, an’ this time they were the same clowns dressed like huuuman firemen and if I went wit’ ’em they would proboobably kidnap me an’ so I’m still stuck up here an’ this lousy ceilin’ fan is broke but still goin’ ’round in circles an’ I guess I should be glad the clowns can’t get me up here ’cause this fan keeps goin’ on this hot day, so there ain’t real bad humididity no more but I need the bathroom an’ I’m real hungry an at least I don’t feel like I’m gonna throw up no more an'—
A: What did ya say, Boss? I wasn’t listenin’.
G: Ya lousy elbow-high rodent! I wan’cha to bring me some food here. Lessee…I want a bowl of simmered ice block soup, two jackass patties, medium-rare wit’ grilled cross-eyed cheese an’ a squirt of zurt on the side, a goonafish seaweed melt, a cold can of Slog wit’ extra pulp, a snack bag of Freak O’ Nature Rindom Doodles, a very large piece of goosey cake, a nice gigaaantical slice of sloggenberry pie wit’ a double-scoop of chicken-flavored ice cream on top, an’ a big cup of blue cheese pudding sprinkled wit’ pie. I’ll write it all off as a loss—spoilt food. Ig, ya want anything?
N: Uh, no thanks….
G: Good food would proboobably be wasted on yooou anyways, Ig. Now, ya got all that, mouse?
A: Yeah, Boss. Is that to go or to stay or for here or for there?
G: It’s stinkin’ to go, for here, which is there for you right now before you get here.
A: Didn’t ask ya that, Boss. I said, is that to go or to stay or for here or for there?
G: Ya gingivitis-head! Ya stinkin’ heard me—it’s for there when ya ain’t here an’ for here when ya ain’t there, so it ain’t to stay if you’re there, it ain’t to stay unless you’re here not there! If it was for stinkin’ there, it would be to stinkin’ stay an’ not go! An’ if it wasn’t to stay there an’ not go, it would be for here an’ not to not stay, stinkin’ right? Conversically, if it was to go an’ not stay—
A: Awright, awright, Boss. I’ll get on my bike an’ bring it to ya. But, as ya hear, it’s rainin’ out there. Pretty hard. SFX: [Thunderstorm] So, it might take me slower…
G: Awstinkin’right. Jus’ get here! Quick! My stomach’s rumblin’! Hear it? SFX: [Rumbling Stomach] [Comical Scary Clown Laughter] [Carnival Creepy Music Box] Oh no! Them clowns are still here, an’ their laughin’ at my stomach! They want my food, even though it ain’t here yet!
N: Diroctor Gneeecey, calm down! There are no clowns here—
G: There are! SFX: [Comical Scary Clown Laughter] [Evil Clown Laugh 6] [Carnival Creepy Music Box]
N: Uh, okay, uh, I won’t let ’em steal your, uh, food when it comes.
G: Thaaanks, Ig. Uh-oh! Oh! Haaaalp! SFX: [Stunt Propeller Planes] Airplanes in my pants! Haaaalp! Haaaalp! Haaaalp!
N: Oh, geez. You think you have real airplanes in your pants, again?
G: I swear I stinkin’ dooooo! An’ their propellers are slashin’ up my underpaaants! My favorite underpaaants that Stummix Bank gave me for bein’ such a good customer! The green ones polka-dotted with dimes! Haaaalp! SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking]
N: Man, whenever you think things can’t possibly get worse….
G: Planes are killin’ me! Hurtin’ my stinkin’ bimbus! Haaaalp! Grmph! Ooomph! Mih! Mrah! Yaaaaa! SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking]
N: Stop running around up there! You’re gonna fall or make that whole ceiling fan come down!
G: You’re not the boss of me—I’m the boss of yooou! SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Wood Demolition] [Bang] [Boing] [Duck Horn]
G: Ow! My bimbus! Well, at least the ceiling fan ain’t runnin’ no more.
N: Yeah. Now, it’s a freakin’ floor fan.
SFX: [Fail Horn] [Magic Spell] [ Halloween Spooky & Fun Logo] [Door Pounding] [Doorbell Ringing] [Door Open]
A: Heya, Boss, I’m finally here.
G: Altitude! What stinkin’ took ya so long, ya lazy little rodent?
A: Hadda walk all the way to Summer Vacation Street for my bike ’cause I had forgotted I had forgotted it at home. Its tires were flat but only flat on top. But every time I pedaled, they went flat on the bottom. So, I hadda half-ride it an’ jump off every time the bottoms went flat.
G: Seems I’ve heard that dopey story before. So, where’s all my food?
A: Oh, your food. I think I forgotted your food. I mighta got mixed up over whether it was to go or to stay or for here or for there. But it all worked out in the end—it’s good I didn’t bring it ’cause it all woulda got wet in the rain if I brung it.
SFX: [Fail Horn]
A: Boss! Boss! Your eyes are poppin’ out wit’ this crazy look! Your fists are clenched! You’re scarin’ me!
G: Grmph! Ooomph! Mih! Mrah! Yaaa! SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] SFX: [Wood Demolition] [Door Open]
N: Diroctor Gneeecey, come back!
SFX: [Metal Crash] [Boing] [Duck Horn]
A: I quit—K-W-I-T-T! You’re not the boss of me anymore! Haaaalp! SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking]
SFX: [Fail Horn] [Scary Clown Laughter] [Evil Clown Laugh 6] [Carnival Creepy Music Box] [Magic Spell]
Nicki Rodriguez here again! We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode of “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy!” And we thank you for listening. Please help us spread the word—please tell a friend about us! We appreciate every single download! And again, thank you, Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, and Toni Aponte, for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com!
Time now to turn it back over to my alter ego, Vicki. Until next time, be well and stay safe!
SFX: [Magic Spell]
Music/Outro: Thanks, Nicki! Vicki here again. Thanks so much for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to subscribe and tell a friend! And keep on laughing!
Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###