Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy

Clown-O-Phobia Ain't Nothin' to Sneeze At

March 01, 2022
Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy
Clown-O-Phobia Ain't Nothin' to Sneeze At
Show Notes Transcript

“Clown-O-Phobia Ain’t Nothin’ to Sneeze At!” Episode 30

After a particularly terrifying clown sighting, Nicki and Sooperflea rush Gneeecey to his doctor’s office, where the zany canine-humanoid finds himself in for an unpleasant surprise or two.

We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sandi Solá, Sal Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, and Toni Aponte for being generous supporting members via BuyMeACoffee.com! We appreciate their sponsorship and support more than words can say! And again, special thanks to Jacqueline Lopez for inspiring the idea for Gneeecey’s latest misadventures! And special thanks to a co-producer, Sam Leviatin, for Gneeecey and Flea’s violin and piano “music”—they consider themselves cultural icons now and have had to purchase bigger hats!

https://buymeacoffee.com/Perswayssick (Please support us with a one-time gift or monthly sponsorship amount—various levels available—to help keep us coming to you via BuyMeACoffee.com! We’ll shout you out during our podcast episodes and in our show notes here, plus supply you with more fun perks!)  

https://www.amazon.com/Vicki-Sola/e/B07J29RVMQ (Amazon Author Page, check out our Gneeecey/Nicki e-books and paperbacks!)

https://www.nfreads.com/interview-with-author-vicki-sola/ (Interview with Vicki Solá)

https://perswayssickradio.buzzsprout.com (right here, our Buzzsprout website w/episodes & transcripts!)   

And much thanks to disproportionately cool artist Jay Hudson for our podcast logo! https://yojayhudson.com/

This Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy podcast is made possible in part by a generous grant from The Ardelle Institute, providing Executive Coaching for aspiring and established professionals who want to develop their careers, including upwardly-mobile executives, professionals who may be in between jobs, and college graduates transitioning to the workforce. The Ardelle Institute helps with resumes, cover letters, LinkedIn profiles, interview skills, and effective job search strategies.  For more information, please call (201) 394-6939, that's (201) 394-6939, or visit them on the web at ardelle-institute.com, that's A-R-D-E-L-L-E dash institute dot com. Take it from me, Gneeecey!

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Transcript / “Clown-O-Phobia Ain’t Nothin’ to Sneeze At!” episode 30, written by Vicki Solá. 

All content © 2022 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.

 Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey!

And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki….

SFX: [Magic Spell] [Digital Alarm Clock]

NICKI RODRIGUEZ: Ugh. The beginning of another day trapped in the wacko dimension of Perswayssick County. Another morning waking up in the, uh, let’s just say untidy, four-story mansion of the county’s leader—the elbow-high, walking, talking Jack Russell-like canine-humanoid Gneeecey. Another day that I, earthling Nicki Rodriguez would spend trapped, living with and working for the zany, unpredictable white-and-black-furred wonder. Toiling away for pennies at his GAS Broadcast Network. 

A strange feeling in the pit of my stomach kind of warned me that this was not gonna be a good day. Not that any day around here ever was….

[Digital Alarm Clock]

N: Against my better judgment, I opened my eyes. Wasn’t much light to blind them in the dumpy windowless little utility closet of a “guestroom” Gneeecey had assigned me—except for some dim illumination sneaking through the rather large Z-shaped crack in my wooden door. So much for privacy….

SFX: [Halloween Spooky Logo] [Squeaking Sneakers] [Pouring Sand]

N: What the—what was going on now? Seemed something weird was always going on around here. I sprang up off my mutant, undersized, spring-popping, so-called “mattress,” flung open my flimsy door SFX: [Door Open], and rushed out into the hallway.

SFX: [Halloween Spooky Logo] [Squeaking Sneakers] [Pouring Sand] [High-pitched Grunting] [Boing]

N: Gneeecey! Gneeecey! What’s going on out here?

GNEEECEY: That’s stinkin’ Diroctor Gneeecey. How many times do I gotta reminicate ya?

N: I know. You’re a doctor and director of Perswayssick County, so that makes you a diroctor. Now, stinkin’ Diroctor…uh, Diroctor Gneeecey, what is going on here? What’s all this ruckus?

G: I’m movin’ this big ol’ rug outta the Grate Room an’ out to the backyard—jus’ rolled it up. Gonna drag it out through the back door. This thing’s heavy an’ gigaaantical! Ya wanna help me?

N: No. And why are you doing this?

G: If I don’t get ridda this lousy rug, I won’t be able to hear the invisible clowns’ footsteps, y’know, Ig, when they sneak up on me in the Grate Room. I caaan’t stinkin’ live like that! I can hear their footsteps better when they come after me on a wood floor!

N: Whatever…. And by the way, my name’s Nicki, not Ig. I’m not one of your Planet Eccchs’s legendary three-legged troglodyte Iggleheimers. 

G: Stinkin’ whatever, Ig.

[Halloween Spooky Logo] [Pouring Sand] [High-pitched Grunting] [Door Open]

[Halloween Spooky Logo] [Pouring Sand] [High-pitched Grunting] [Door Slam]

N: The day hadn’t even begun, but I was already exhausted. Stomach rumbling, I shuffled into Gneeecey’s kitchen, hoping that I might find something edible for breakfast. Something that wouldn’t put me in the hospital or shatter my teeth. I opened the refrigerator and freezer, and was greeted by the usual delicacies—a stack of Mrs. Dammit’s Sloggenberry Pies, a pile of freezer-burned jackass patties, several plastic containers bursting with Gneeecey’s frozen ice block soup, and some hairy, egg-shaped green things. With faces. Don’t know why I expected to find anything different. Wishful thinking, I guess. I sighed. I’d have to stop at Shisskey’s Bakery on Murgatroyd Avenue to pick something up on our way to the office. I could already hear Gneeecey complaining about that.

SFX: [Door Bell Ring] [Door Pound]

G: Haaalp! Stinkin’ haaalp! They’re after me again! Haaalp! Lemme in! SFX: [Door Bell Ring] [Door Pound]

N: Now, freakin’ what? Tripping over a butter-covered broom handle tangled up in a dead toaster’s electrical cord, I tore over to the side door and opened it. SFX: [Door Open] [Squeaking Sneakers] 

G: What stinkin’ took ya so stinkin’ long, ya Ig? Stinkin’ shut this lousy door before they can get back in! SFX: [Door Slam]

N: What’s your problem now?

G: They’re after me! They’re proboobably maaad that I got ridda the rug ’cause now they caaan’t sneak up on me no more!

N: Who’s after you? Who’s mad?

G: Them! 

N: What “them”?

G: Them them! Can’cha hear ’em? SFX: [Clown Laughs 1 & 3]

N: Diroctor Gneeecey, I don’t hear anyone!

G: Ya must be deaf then!

N: No, I’m not—I hear you loud and clear. 

SFX: [Fail Horn] [Magic Spell] [Sneakers Squeaking] [Comical Scary Clown Laughter] [Carnival Creepy Music Box] [Graffiti Spray 1,2, 3, & 4] [Bang] {Glass Shatter] [Ceramic Dish]

G: Haaalp! The lousy clowns—they’re chasin’ me again! See? I told ya they’d be maaad I dumped the rug!

N: I don’t see anyone! Stop running in circles! This must all be in your mind! Here, Diroctor Gneeecey, sit down. Please!

G: I caaan’t! An’ this deadly anti-clown spray that Doctor Idnas gave me last week ain’t workin’! I think this can she gave me is really a place bow!

N: You mean, a placebo?

G: No, Ig, don’cha understaaand English? A place bow! Somethin’ they wan’cha to think works, but it really don’t! The lousy can does say “furniture wax” on it! I thought that was jus’ to fool the lousy clowns—but it was really to fool meee! Oh, stinkin’ no! Looky!  

[Sneakers Squeaking] [Graffiti Spray 1&2] 

N: Remember—Doctor Idnas warned you not to spray that stuff on the floooor—

[Sneakers Squeaking] Graffiti Spray 2] [Cartoon Slip] [Accent Cartoon] [Boing] [Duck Horn] [Comical Scary Clown Laughter]

G: Ow! My bimbus! This lousy floor is a lot harder wit’out the rug!

N: Let me help you up. I think I’d better call—

G: Wait! Them lousy clowns are makin’ my allergies worse, too! Ah, hah, haah, fiduciary! [Clinking Coins] 

N: Uh, bless you. And I see you’re still sneezing out dimes.

G: Yeah. Bless me. Y’know, I always prided myself on sneezin’ phonetically, although I really can’t complain. Wit’ all these dimes pilin’ up every time I sneeze, my savin’s account is growin’ priddy rapoopidly! Uh-oh, stand back! Ah, hah, haah, fiduciary! [Clinking Coins] [Comical Scary Clown Laughter] Oh, stinkin’ nooo—now they’re after my dimes!

SFX: [Fail Horn] [Magic Spell] [Halloween Music Box] [Phone Dial] [Phone Ring]

DOCTOR ALEXANDRA C. IDNAS: Hallo, office of neurologist/neuropsychologist Doctor Alexandra Idnas and terapist Ingabore Scriblig, dee latter oddervise known as “Grandma.” Doctor Idnas speaking.

N: Oh, Doctor Idnas, thank goodness! We have an emergency situation here—

DI: Don’t tell me—our Gneeecey ees having anudder clown sighting?

N: Yes, Doctor Idnas, lots more—and he’s had his increased dose of medication, y’know, his Bumpex, but I can’t control him—he’s running around in circles, swearing that he’s being chased by clowns! This is even worse than that time he thought he had airplanes in his pants!

G: Don’t stinkin’ bring thaaat up again, ya Ig! Makes me look—

SFX: [Cuckoo Clock]

G: Oh, looky what time it is—we’re gonna be late to work ’cause of these clowns!

DI: Yah, Nicki, dat airplane episode vas rough. Really rough.

G: Yeah, them propellers slashed up my good underpaaants an’ hurt my bimbus! Hadda sit on a ice pack! My lousy bimbus is still sore!

N: Ssssh! Quiet, Diroctor Gneeecey! 

G: Don’t stinkin’ shush me in my own house, ya Ig!

N: I said quiet! I’m trying to hear Doctor Idnas!

DI: Vhy don’t you bring him een dis morning. Vee vill be happy to halp him.

N: Thank you so much, Doctor Idnas. We’ll get there as soon as we can.

G: I don’t know ’bout leavin’ here Ig. Them clowns might mess up this whole house! 

N: Uh, how would you even know?

G: Second thought, they’ll proboobably try to follow me, but they caaan’t run as fast as the car can go.

N: With that junky ol’ ’75 Splodge I’m still paying for that you so graciously “gave” me to drive, don’t be so sure.

G:  Let’s jus’ get in the car! And shut the doors real quick before any of ’em can get inside! An’ it’s a good car—don’t brush a gift horse’s teeth!

SFX: [Cell Phone Ring]

N: Hello?

SOOPERFLEA, AKA FLEA, and FLEAGLOSSITTY: Hello Nicki, this is your friendly black-furred canine-humanoid superhero Sooperflea, also known as Fleaglossitty Floppinsplodge, here at your service! Right on your driveway!

N: Flea—how did you know—

F: Like I mentioned, Nicki, my superhero ESP’s been malfunctionin’ lately. But I had a real funny feelin’ that Zig was havin’ problems again—

N: Flea, your ESP’s working pretty well today. I’m just about to take your good pal Zig Gneeecey here to see Doctor Idnas. Emergency visit.

F: Don’t tell me—more trouble wit’ clowns?

N: Yes, Flea. Lots more trouble. According to your, uh, Zig, uh Gneeecey, it seems they’ve invaded the house. 

F: Like I said, I’m outside on your driveway right now. By your car. Looks like a big chunk of your rusty purple an’ orange fender fell off overnight. Anyway, I’ll wait for ya out here—I’ll be happy to come wit’ youse, in case y’know, ya need help controllin’ Zig.

SFX: [Magic Spell] [Halloween Music Box] [Rumbling Engine] [Car Horns]

N: I don’t know what’s rumbling louder—this old wreck of a car or my empty stomach!

G: How can ya think of food at a time like this, ya lousy Ig? There might be clowns in this car.

N: Yeah…guess I wouldn’t wanna eat them….

F: Zig, I’m sittin’ here in the back seat, an’ I can assure ya that there ain’t no clowns in here.

G: But, how can ya be sure, Fleaglossitty? Yoou can’t see or hear ’em! Only I can! An’ I can smell ’em, too!

N: Uh, let’s turn on the radio! 

F: Great idea, Nicki!

G: Put on our station, Ig—either GAS-AM or GAS-FM!

N: Those are the only two stations this car radio gets. And my name’s Nicki. Nicki Rodriguez.

G: Okay, Ig. Oh, listen, what priddy music! 

SFX: [Violin and Piano]

F: That’s us, Zig! Playin’ our legendary Planet Eccchs composer Zirbert Shriekensobb’s “Plight of the Goonafish”!

G: Yeah, you on piano—an’ you are finally playin’ a little better—an’ that’s meee on my beaudiful voaline! 

F: Ya mean your violin.

G: That’s what I stinkin’ said, Fleaglossitty. My voaline. I think me an’ my very igspensive white electric Stradivopoulous voaline really captures the heart-wrenchin’ distress of our Perswayssick County’s famed luminous blue, two-tailed, headless goonafish!

F: Seems like our recordin’ is awready a smash hit!

G: Yupperooney, Fleaglossitty! I program it hundreds of times a day on both my AM an’ FM stations! Very cornvenient, ownin’ my own broadcast network—gives me lotsa power! Oh, an’ here, Ig. Ya said you were hungry—in fact, your rumblin’ stomach is disturbicatin’ me. Forgot I had this here bagel in my T-shirt pocket. I’ve had it a while, but it’s proboobably still good. Don’t worry, I never bit into it—jus’ use it as a doorstop in my office bathroom every now an’ then.

N: That, uh, half-eaten green blob covered with white specks? Uh, thanks, but no thanks…I’m actually not as hungry as I thought I was….

SFX: [Fail Horn] [Magic Spell] [Door Open] 

DI: Hallo Nicki, Diroctor Gneeecey, and Sooperflea. Seet down, please. I vill be right vit’ you. I am just finishing an important telephone call—I have to finish tanking deese great people. Let’s see, here, vee vant to tank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, and Toni Aponte for being generous supporting members of “Persvayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy,” tru BuyMeACoffee.com. And vee vant to tank Jacqueline Lopez for inspiring some of Gneeecey’s misadventures—”

G: Whaddaya mean, my misadventures?

N: Ssssh! Quiet! Let her finish!

DI: And vee vant to tank Samuel Leviatin for co-producing and providing dee lovely violin and piano music!

G: She’s right—our music was lovely—mighta scared away some of them clowns—

DI: Okay, Diroctor Gneeecey. I am finished vit dee call, now. SFX: [Door Open] Oh, hallo, Ingabore, tank you so vary much for coming een on your day off to halp out here!

INGABORE SCRIBLIG, AKA “GRANDMA”: Yah, Alexandra, I got here as qvickly as possible, so dat vee can bot help Diroctor Gneeecey.

G: Thaaanks, Graaandma. 

IS: You’re wery velcome.

F: Hello, Missus Scriblig!

IS: Hallo Sooperflea. Please, call me “Grandma”!

F: Okay, Grandma. And please call me “Flea.”

G: Hey, why’re youse all talkin’ to each other insteada to mee? I’m the one payin’! I’m the one wit’ all the problems! I’m supposed to be the center of attention!

DI: Here, Diroctor Gneeecey, please close your mout and keep dis termometer under your tongue. I need to take your temperature.

G: Ya better not keep my tempooperature—ya better give it back! 

DI: Qviet. Here. Under your tongue.

G: Umph! Umph! Grooomph! Umph! Mraaaah! 

DI: Okay, Diroctor Gneeecey, I realize how vary deefficult it ees for you to remain qviet for too long. Ah, I do see dat your temperature ees normal.

SFX: [Ceiling Fan]

G: What’s that noise?

IS: Do not vorry, eet ees just dee ceiling fan. Eet keeps coming on.

G: Well, can’cha jus’ keep turnin’ the lousy thing off? I’m awready freezin’ my bimbus off here in your office!

IS: No, Diroctor Gneeecey. Someting ees wrong vit dee svitch. Vee cannot turn eet off. 

DI: Yah. Maintenance said dey vould try and come back today, but dey veren’t sure dey could.

IS: I’ll call dem in a little vhile and offer dem a batch of my delicious veggie meatballs if dey vould come back and fix it today.

DI: Tank you, Ingabore, dat sounds like a plan. I vill be happy to pay for dee meatballs. Now, Diroctor Gneeecey, I am going to bump up your dosage of Bumpex to tree tablets tvice a day. 

G: You’ll hafta write me a new description.

DI: Here. I already have written you a new prescription. Now, eet should halp vit your visual and auditory hallucinations, and—

G: Ain’t no hallucinoocinations! Them lousy clowns are stinkin’ real—I can smell ’em, too!

DI: Alright, Diroctor Gneeecey, you are experiencing olfactory sensations, too, so vee can try— 

G: An’ I ain’t hallucinizatin’! An’ I ain’t been hangin’ around any ol’ factories!

F: Zig, please stop interruptin’ Doctor Idnas. She’s trynna help ya!

G: Stop interrupticatin’ meee, Fleaglossitty!

IS: Vee are trying to help you, Diroctor Gneeecey. 

DI: Yah. In addition to dee increased dosage of your Bumpex medication, vee must look for vays to manage your stress and anxiety. Vould you say dat you are sleeping vell?

G: Yeah, when I’m not awake. 

DI: Dat ees good to hear.

G: Although I can’t quarantine that. When I’m asleep, how can I stinkin’ know if I’m doin’ anything well?

DI: [chuckles] Vell, okay….

G: It ain’t okay. Now, continue helpin’ me—that’s what I’m payin’ ya for.

N: Diroctor Gneeecey, you should really be more respectful. And grateful. Doctor Idnas didn’t even have to make time to see you today—much less, right away!

G: Quiet, Ig! I ain’t payin’ you!

N: True. That’s pretty evident when you hand me that little GAS Broadcast Network paycheck every two weeks. 

G: Stop soundin’ so oogdimonious, Ig. Doctor Idnas, please igscuzipate the Ig here for constantly interrupticatin’. Now, how are ya plannin’ to help me get ridda them clowns?

DI: Vould you say dat you are getting enough exercise? 

G: Oh, I get plenny when I gotta keep running away from them clowns all the time.

DI: Diroctor Gneeecey, you are suffering from a condition called coulrophobia. Fear of clowns.

G: Ya mean, I got clown-o-phobia? That certaintaneously ain’t nothin’ to sneeze at.

DI: No, eet ees not. I am in dee process of looking to see if dere ees an appropriate support group for you here een Persvayssick County. In dee meantime, I tink dat exposure and desensitization terapies vill halp you.

G: Igsposure and desensiti-whaaat?

DI: Here, I vill show you. See dis vary tiny tree-inch-tall rubber doll? Eet looks like a little dog toy.

G: No! No! It looks like a clown—it’s a stinkin’ clown! An’ I ain’t a dog!

F: Calm down, Zig—Doctor Idnas knows you an’ I are canine-humanoids, not dogs. And I think she believes that if you keep seein’ this harmless little clown, it’ll help ya not be so afraid!

DI: Exactly right, Flea. Dis exposure vill gradually decrease your friend’s anxiety and fear of clowns. Dis little doll cannot hurt him!

G: No! No!

IS: Ya, eet ees harmless! Vhenewer you’re nervous or afraid, you can pinch eet’s little red nose and den laugh vhen you hear dee silly little sound it vill make. See? SFX: [Clown Horn]

G: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Get that stinkin’ thing away from me!

DI: Diroctor Gneeecey! No! Vhat are you doing?

N: Diroctor—no!

F: Zig! Don’t!

IS: Oh, my goodness, he has jumped all dee vay up onto dee ceiling fan—he must be at least tvelve feet up!

DI: Diroctor Gneeecey, you must come down! Vee can move dis tall table underneat you, so eet vill be less of a jump!

IS: Yah, vee must try and have you come down!

G: I caaaaan’t! An’ this stooopoid broke fan keeps goin’ ’round in stinkin’ circles! Priddy fast, too! I’m gettin’ dizzy—an’ my stomach’s doin’ flip-flops—I think I’m gonna be—

N: Noooo!

IS: Please, don’t!

DI: Diroctor Gneeecey, please—

F: Uh-oh! Everyone scatter!

SFX: [Fail Horn] [Magic Spell] [Glass Shatter]

IS: Sooperflea!

DI: Oh, my goodness! Flea!

N: Flea! Are you alright?

F: Yeah…I think your malfunctionin’ fan musta messed up the telemetry that helps control my awready messed up superhero flyin’ feature. I’ll pay for your busted window.

DI: Don’t vorry. Eet vas vary brave of you to try and fly up dere to dee ceiling to rescue your friend!

IS: Yah, Diroctor Gneeecey has been up dere for at least tventy minutes now! 

G: Fleaglossitty, don’t blame it on the fan—you’ve always been a clumsy Iggleheimer! Now, someone haaalp! Get me down! An’ these fan blades are real dusty! Ah, hah, hah, fiduciary! SFX: [Clinking Coins] An’ Ig, it was your stinkin’ bright idea to bring me here! Haaalp! Don’t try this at home, kids! Haaalp!

IS: Diroctor Gneeecey, I just called dee fire department. Dey vill come and get you down!

SFX: [Fail Horn] [Magic Spell]

SFX: [Fire Engine, Police, & Ambulance Sirens] [Door Knock] [Door Open]

FIREFIGHTER 1: Where’s the problem here?

G: EEEEEEEEKS! HAAALP! A BUNCHA STINKIN’ CLOWNS JUST BUSTED INTO THIS PLACE! THEY’RE GONNA GET ME! HAAAALP! 

DI: Ingabore, I tought vee called dee fire department, not dee circus!

FIREFIGHTER 1: You did, ma’am. We are members of the Perswayssick City Fire Department. 

FIREFIGHTER 2: Yeah. We were entertaining kids at a special party in the park. Then came your emergency call—and we were the only guys available! Everyone else was out on calls. We didn’t wanna take the time to change! 

SFX: [Fail Horn] [Comical Scary Clown Laughter] [Carnival Creepy Music Box] [Magic Spell] 

Nicki Rodriguez here again! We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode of “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy!” And we thank you for listening. Please help us spread the word—please tell a friend about us! We appreciate every single download! And again, thank you, Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, and Toni Aponte, for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com!

Time now to turn it back over to my alter ego, Vicki. Until next time, be well and stay safe!

SFX: [Magic Spell]

Music/Outro: Thanks, Nicki! Vicki here again. Thanks so much for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to subscribe and tell a friend! And keep on laughing!

Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###