“Dragons and Doodles…and Clowns?” Episode 29
Does Nicki survive a literally explosive escape from Perswayssick County?
Meanwhile, back at the office, Gneeecey discovers that he’s scared of clowns after they begin chasing him.
We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sandi Solá, Sal Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, and Toni Aponte for being generous supporting members via BuyMeACoffee.com! We appreciate their sponsorship and support more than words can say! And special thanks to Jacqueline Lopez for inspiring the idea for Gneeecey’s latest misadventure!
https://buymeacoffee.com/Perswayssick (Please support us with a one-time gift or monthly sponsorship amount—various levels available—to help keep us coming to you via BuyMeACoffee.com! We’ll shout you out during our podcast episodes and in our show notes here, plus supply you with more fun perks!)
https://www.amazon.com/Vicki-Sola/e/B07J29RVMQ (Amazon Author Page, check out our Gneeecey/Nicki e-books and paperbacks!)
https://www.nfreads.com/interview-with-author-vicki-sola/ (Interview with Vicki Solá)
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This Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy podcast is made possible in part by a generous grant from The Ardelle Institute, providing Executive Coaching for aspiring and established professionals who want to develop their careers, including upwardly-mobile executives, professionals who may be in between jobs, and college graduates transitioning to the workforce. The Ardelle Institute helps with resumes, cover letters, LinkedIn profiles, interview skills, and effective job search strategies. For more information, please call (201) 394-6939, that's (201) 394-6939, or visit them on the web at ardelle-institute.com, that's A-R-D-E-L-L-E dash institute dot com. Take it from me, Gneeecey!Support the show
Transcript / “Dragons and Doodles…and Clowns?” episode 29, written by Vicki Solá.
All content © 2022 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.
Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey!
And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki….
SFX: [Magic Spell]
Hey there, Nicki Rodriguez here. I’ve just arrived at the office of therapist Ingabore Scriblig, who prefers to be called “Grandma,” and her associate, neurologist/neuropsychologist Doctor Alexandra C. Idnas. They’ve been a great help just listening as my dimension burn-induced memory issues improve, and I’m more able to recall just how I ended up in Gneeecey’s Perswayssick County. So, I’ve just walked in, signed in, and sat down….
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Door Open] [Sneakers Squeaking] [Comical Scary Clown Laughter]
GNEEECEY: Halp! Halp! Somebody halp me! SFX: [Carnival Creepy Music Box] [A Clown Horn]
DOCTOR IDNAS: Diroctor Gneeecey! Vhat are you doing here?
THERAPIST INGABORE SCRIBLIG, AKA “GRANDMA”: Yah, Diroctor Gneeecey, dis is supposed to be Nicki’s appointment! You are scheduled for later!
NICKI RODRIGUEZ: Yeah, Diroctor Gneeecey, what’s up? What’s the matter?
G: Halp! Pleeeaze halp!
DI: Vhat ees wrong?
N: He said “please”—it must be urgent!
G: It is, ya Ig, for once you’re right! They’re chasin’ me!
DI: I don’t understand! Who ees chasing you?
IS: Vee don’t see anyvun!
G: Clowns! Clowns! Clowns are chasin’ me—’cause they must know I’m afraid of ’em! They knew I was afraid of ’em before I even knew I was afraid of ’em! An’ now they’re stinkin’ laughin’ at me! Can’cha hear ’em? SFX: [Comical Scary Clown Laughter] ] [Carnival Creepy Music Box] [A Clown Horn] [Accent Cartoon] [Boing] [Duck Horn] Ow! Jus’ fell on my bimbus!
N: Here, let me help you up.
G: Thaaanks, Ig.
N: Uh, that would be Nicki—my name’s Nicki Rodriguez.
G: Yeah, okay, Ig. Now, listen! Now, they’re laughin’ at me even more! SFX: [Comical Scary Clown Laughter] [Carnival Creepy Music Box] [A Clown Horn] Don’t youse hear ’em?
DI: Diroctor Gneeecey, vee are not hearing anyting—but I, as your doctor, am radder concerned!
IS: Yah, and I, as your terapist, am also wery concerned!
G: Can’cha hear the evil, scary music that’s followin’ these clowns that are chasin’ me right now? SFX: [Carnival Creepy Music Box] [A Clown Horn] Lemme shut the door so more of ’em don’t get in! SFX: [Door Slam] Oh, no! I think some of ’em might of already got in here! SFX: [Police and Ambulance Sirens] But I hear the police! They’re comin’ to save me!
DI: No, Diroctor Gneeecey, dey are on dere vay somevhere else, I’m qvite sure.
G: An’ I think these lousy clowns are makin’ my allergies worse—ah, hah, haah, fiduciary! SFX: [Clinking Coins]
DI: Diroctor Gneeecey, you are still sneezing dimes. I tink—
G: I think now they’re gonna try an’ steal all my dimes! Maybe that’s why they’re chasin’ me!
N: Doctor Idnas, Grandma, y’know, Doctor Gneeecey’s so upset—
G: That’s stinkin’ Diroctor Gneeecey, Ig—how many times do I gotta remindicate ya that I’m a doctor an’ director of this lousy Perswayssick County?
N: As I was trying to tell Doctor Idnas and Grandma, you’re so upset that I’d be perfectly willing to give up my appointment here so that they can help you.
G: Thaaanks! That’s real unhorribooble of ya, Ig!
DI: Tank you, Nicki, dat ees vary generous of you, but I vill take Diroctor Gneeecey into my office vhere he vill be, uh, safe from deese evil clowns! Ingabore, you know, Grandma, can vurk vit you here in dis room.
G: Whaddabout all my dimes? Can’t let them clowns steal all my dimes! They’re mine!
IS: Vee vill sveep dem all up and keep dem safe for you. I promise.
G: Thaaanks, Graaandma! Oh, an’ here, these papers are for you an’ the Ig. SFX: [Rustling Papers] Says somethin’ on ’em ’bout thankin’ some peopoople for this epoopisode or somethin’ like that. Youse huuumans will proboobably be able to figure it out.
IS: Tank you, Diroctor Gneeecey.
DI: Okay, now, come, Diroctor Gneeecey, to my office so dat I can halp you.
G: Okay, Doctor Idnas. SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Door Slam]
N: Wow! You know, Grandma, I actually feel sorry for Gneeecey.
IS: Yah. So do I. I’m sure dat Doctor Idnas vill be able to calm him down and find out vhat ees wrong. Now, let me read vhat ees on deese papers dat he gave us.
Eet says here, “Vee vant to tank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, and Toni Aponte for being generous supporting members of “Persvayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy,” tru BuyMeACoffee.com. And vee vant to tank Jacqueline Lopez for inspiring Gneeecey’s part of dis episode.” Hmmm…wery interesting…. Tank you all so wery much!
N: Yes, thanks so much!
IS: Now, Nicki, let us recap vhat you told us last time. Our Gneeecey’s best friend Sooperflea had befriended you since your accidental arrival here in Persvayssick County. And he vas afraid dat your dimension burn vould make it too dangerous for you to attempt a return to your vurld.
N: Yes, Grandma. After my, uh, explosive arrival in this dimension, Flea and I stayed the night in Gneeecey’s pet puppy Oxymoron’s 414th-floor condo. Earlier that evening, Flea had promised me that he’d get me back home, and I was kind of angry that he went back on his word and that I had to stay the night here in Perswayssick County.
G: Yah, but you knew, really, dat he vas afraid you vere too veak and dat you could even lose your life if you veren’t physically ready to make anodder dimension jump.
N: Yes. Flea and Gneeecey told me about one of my fellow Earthlings, Julio, who dimension-jumped too soon…and evidently, didn’t make it…. And that next morning, Flea kept testing me, making me stand on one foot while he timed me. He finally gave me permission to attempt a return home. Funny thing was, once I had his permission, I was plagued by doubts. Would I make it? Or would I end up like Julio? I was actually kind of freaked when I finally said goodbye to Flea and flopped into the seat of my red Mustang.
IS: I can imagine.
N: Yep. Flea explained that I was trapped between two worlds—the new dimension of Perswayssick County had been created when the atmosphere of his Planet Eccchs inadvertently grazed the atmosphere of Earth, right over my New Jersey.
IS: Yah, dis ees true. Dere are fifteen million of us Eccchers stranded here in Persvassick County, and vee have no vay of returning home. Canine-humanoids like Gneeecey and Sooperflea, and humans like Doctor Idnas and me.
N: I even feel guilty that I can go home, but you guys can’t.
IS: Vell, Nicki, you should not feel dat vay. Vhat happened ees not your fault. So, tell me vhat happened next?
N: Flea scrawled some words—those highly dangerous numbers and that color that I’m not going to say out loud—on the back of his superhero business card. And he warned me not to say those words until I drove out to a deserted place—he suggested those woods on Street Road.
IS: Yah, dey are beautiful and wery colorful dis time of year, and wery deserted, as vell.
N: Before I drove off, Flea tossed a big cellophane snack bag of Freak O’Nature Rindom Doodles into my lap through my open car window. I was starving, but I knew I couldn’t eat those razor-sharp arrow-shaped flakes. So, off I went. Hands shaking, I made my way, through horrible traffic, out of the city and onto Street Road. And I parked there in the woods….
IS: Den vhat happened?
N: Okay, Grandma, here goes….
SFX: [Magic Spell] Cold perspiration gathered on my upper lip as I recalled other times I’d sat frozen—too nervous to get out of my car and go wherever I was supposed to go. Once inside, I’d always wonder why I’d stayed in the car so long. It wasn’t because I was afraid to meet anyone named Julio.
Heart racing, I lowered my head onto the steering wheel, then bolted upright and opened my mouth. Out tripped Flea’s four little words, those three numbers and that color!
SFX: [Explosion] [Supersonic Aerodynamic Whoosh] [Magic Summon] After the blinding purple flash, I saw nothing.
SFX: [Magic Spell]
There was nothing but blackness. Blackness, accompanied by a suffocating woodsy scent. Whatever pinned me down felt soft yet crackled whenever I stirred the slightest bit. SFX: [Crackling Leaves] Freaked, I began thrashing. SFX: [Crackling Leaves] Then, it dawned on me that I might actually be inside my car. Leaning to my left, I groped for a handle, and one resonant click later SFX: [Slot Clunk] I tumbled sideways into harsh daylight.
My watery eyes focused slowly. The Mustang was packed solid with leaves—bushels of vividly colored autumn leaves.
Stumbling upright, I brushed myself off and looked around. Somehow, I’d materialized on the Garden State Parkway’s northbound shoulder—in my New Jersey—headed for home. I cleaned out my vehicle as well as I could with two hands. SFX: [Crackling Leaves] Flummoxed, I ventured out onto the highway. My busted wristwatch smiled up at me from the passenger seat. It was working again. Its cracked face, circled by a jerky second hand, read four twenty-three.
I tuned in my all-news station—a real ordeal, manipulating razor-sharp screws that should’ve been covered by knobs. Knobs that I had punched and broken off, out of anger and frustration, back in Perswayssick County. I’m not proud of that…. “It’s seventy-five degrees, and we’ve got sunshine this gorgeous late summer afternoon,” proclaimed WXNY’s Stormy Summers. “But we’ll cool down tonight—temps will plummet through the upper forties. For back-to-work Monday, we can expect highs to recover only into the mid-fifties—if we’re lucky.”
Great. So much for my first vacation in five years—my weekend at the Jersey shore that I didn’t just have. My weekend in Perswayssick County, instead. I do feel guilty saying that. I mean, I was so thankful to be back in my dimension. My world. Back home with my mom and family.
“Get your umbrella out,” continued the meteorologist. “Drizzle will be steady tomorrow. With this system stalled over us, we can expect a pretty chilly, dreary week.”
I hit the gas. To this day, I have no memories of paying tolls. Or exiting. I do recall pulling onto the driveway, thrilled to see every crack and pothole, even the unsightly oil slick created by my Mustang’s leaky engine. And I recollect plucking leaves off my sleeves as I hobbled past my lanky, silver-haired landlord. Looking puzzled, Rico mentioned something about me having a terrible sunburn, then asked if I’d gone upstate instead of to the Jersey shore.
I think I mumbled something about borrowing a rake to clean out my car. Floating down the creaky wooden staircase into the welcome darkness of my basement apartment—on my way to total shutdown—I must’ve brewed some coffee. Probably slapped something between a couple of slices of bread and gobbled every last crumb. I do remember leaning against the shower walls and gazing lovingly at the unsightly holes where the old faucets used to be.
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Digital Alarm Clock] [Pouring Rain Thunderstorm]
Pouring rain outside sure sounded more vigorous than meteorologist Summer’s predicted drizzle.
SFX: [Scary Background]
Hulking silhouettes, cloaked in the charcoal of dawn, played tricks on my eyes. Huddled under my covers, savoring the smoothness of my sheets, I watched meek lamps, and benign coat racks morph into savage, book-devouring dragons, their barbaric intentions reflected in my damp dungeon’s mirror.
Unclenching my right fist, I became aware of a burning sensation. Gripped by a sudden nostalgia for something vague, something dreamlike, I pulled my monster-lamp’s chain and examined my hand underneath the warm, yellow light.
A rust-colored, quill-covered Rindom Doodle stared up at me from the center of my bloodied palm.
SFX: [Fail Horn] [Magic Spell]
IS: Vell, Nicki, it appears dat you did safely return to your own vurld, back to your New Jersey. And, obviously, dat you vere not dreaming, either.
N: When I first woke up that morning, I had wondered if the whole thing about being in Perswayssick County was just a dream. But, it wasn’t. You can see, there’s still a tiny scar here, in the center of my right palm. And to this day, I’ve got that Rindom Doodle stashed away in a little keepsake box…back home….
IS: Yah. Now, here you are again, back vit us, in Persvassick County. Vit Gneeecey again.
N: Yep, working for him and living with him. I’m sure, in these coming weeks, I’ll be telling you and Doctor Idnas all about how I ended up back here in your New Jersey, in your dimension of Perswayssick County.
IS: Nicki, vee do look forvard to dat! Doctor Idnas and I continue to be trilled dat your dimension burn-impaired memory is improving so vell, and dat you are recalling tings in chronological order! And vee vill bot continue to support you in ewery vay dat vee possibly can vhile you are still stranded here.
N: Thank you, Grandma.
SFX: [Doorbell] [Door Pound]
IS: Vee veren’t expecting anyvun else today. Let me see who ees dere.
SFX: [Door Open]
IS: Vhy, Sooperflea, vhat a nice surprise! Dat new red superhero cape goes wery nicely vit your black fur and red high-top sneakers!
SOOPERFLEA, AKA FLEA: Why, thanks, Mrs. Scriblig. Ya got my tail waggin’!
IS: Please, call me Grandma.
F: Okay, thanks, Grandma. An’ you can call me Flea. Got the cape on sale at Martian’s Outlet, right here on Murgatroyd Avenue. They specialize in clothing and accessories for us canine-humanoids. Hi Nicki!
N: Hey there, Flea! What brings you here?
F: As you know, my superhero ESP has been malfunctionin’ a whole lot these days, but I had a funny feelin’ that Zig was in some kinda trouble.
IS: Who ees Zig?
F: Bizzig Gneeecey—some of us call him “Zig” for short. Makes him happy—well, makes him less mad. He hates when we waste vowels an’ consonants.
IS: Ah, yes. You know, your feeling vas right. Gneeecey had a radder rough time dis afternoon. Here he comes now, vit Doctor Idnas!
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking]
F: Heya, Doctor Idnas! Heya Zig! You okay?
G: Kinda, Fleaglossitty.
DI: Hallo Sooperflea.
F: You can call me Flea.
DI: Okay, Flea. Your friend here vill be fine.
F: Thank goodness!
DI: I have determined dat he has been suffering from a vorsening of his redecoritis—you know, dee disorder vhere he ees seeing trees, furniture, and odder inanimate objects valking and moving about—even mocking him. I am prescribing him an increased dosage of his Bumpex medication and have started him on it already. And also—
G: And Doctor Idnas gave me this special, deadly anti-clown spray—works real good! It says “furniture wax” on the can, but that’s jus’ to stinkin’ fool all them clowns—they won’t know what hit ’em! See, first ya shake it real good. SFX: [Graffiti Spray 1] Then ya spray it! All over! [Graffiti Spray 2 & 3] Looky, Flea! It really works! Ya don’t see no stinkin’ clowns nowheres now, do ya?
F: No, Zig. I actually never did….
DI: Diroctor Gneeecey, I’m so glad dat you have good friends like Nicki and your childhood pal Flea here to look after you. You are fortunate, indeed. I’m sure dey vill bring you home.
N: Yes, Doctor Idnas. And since, for the time being, at least, I’m, uh, residing in Diroctor Gneeecey’s mansion, I’ll make sure to keep an eye on him.
G: You’ll be staying in my place for longer than a time bein’, Ig.
N: As I was saying, Doctor Idnas, I’ll keep an eye on him.
DI: Yah, Nicki, and please do let us know if you need anyting. Oddervise, vee vill see you bot naxt veek.
IS: Yah, dat’s right. It looks like tings are pretty much under control now. And, Diroctor Gneeecey, here, I cleaned up dee dimes you sneezed out. I put dem all in dis sack for you. SFX: [Clinking Coins]
G: Thaaanks, Graaandma.
DI: [Whispers] Nicki, dee spray I gave him is a placebo. It vill give him a feeling of being een control, vhich at dis point, ees vary critically important.
SFX: [Graffiti Spray 4] Looky how them tables have turned! It’s them lousy clowns’ turn to be afraid now! Heh hah, heh haah, heh haaah! SFX: [Graffiti Spray 4]
DI: Diroctor Gneeecey—please—I varned you before—do not spray dat onto dee floor—it could get a bit slippery, and you might—
G: Heh hah, heh haah—take thaaat, youse dopey lousy ugly stooopid red-nosed clowns! An’ take thaaat! SFX: [Graffiti Spray 2] An’ thaaat! SFX: [Graffiti Spray 3] I caaan’t see youse now! How do youse like bein’ on the receivin’ end of rottenness? Youse stinkin’ like it? Here’s more! SFX: [Graffiti Spray 4] [Squeaking Sneakers] [Cartoon Slip] [Accent Cartoon] [Boing] [Duck Horn] Ow! My bimbus! At least the lousy clowns ain’t here to laugh at me no more! I sprayed ’em all away! But, ow, this lousy floor is kinda hard! Ah, hah, haah, fiduciary! SFX: [Clinking Coins]
F: C’mon, Zig, lemme help ya up.
N: Let’s go home, now, Diroctor Gneeecey….
G: My dimes!
SFX: [Cartoon 1] [Fail Horn] [Comical Scary Clown Laughter] [Carnival Creepy Music Box] [Magic Spell]
[Fail Horn] [Magic Spell]
Nicki Rodriguez here again! We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode of “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy!” And we thank you for listening. Please help us spread the word—please tell a friend about us! We appreciate every single download! And again, thank you, Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, and Toni Aponte, for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com!
Time now to turn it back over to my alter ego, Vicki. Until next time, be well and stay safe!
SFX: [Magic Spell]
Music/Outro: Thanks, Nicki! Vicki here again. Thanks so much for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to subscribe and tell a friend! And keep on laughing!
Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###